[INFJ] INFJ gf feeling guilty, how do I make her feel better?

[notebook]

I'm an ISTP and she's INFJ. We had an argument lately because I gave up taking more courses for the semester (each course has a separate fee payment) because I had to pay off the balance from our travelling expenses in the summer. I'm paying the larger part as I'm working and she's a student with no income, and I'm completely fine with it as the memories we had are invaluable and she means a lot to me.
She found out that I had been putting off the courses (which are only available every other semester, so I'm in a position such that I won't be graduating until two years later. To her it sounds like a colossal waste of time and lack of efficiency and she's extremely upset mostly due to the fact that she's had a part in this. According to her if she hadn't insisted on the trip and other miscellanous wants, I would have had the money to pay for more courses and could have graduated next year.
How do I tell her it's not her fault? She's going as far as saying her presence has affected my life and it would be best if she stops causing any more delays in my life. What she doesn't accept is that she is worth more than anything else.
I try to tell her it's ok and that she's only worried for me, and I will fix it. Then she says she feels that she's being controlling about how to live my life and hates it and is guilty all over again. (her self esteem about this is caused by her previous breakups all because of her controlling the other person too much) I'm at a loss. I don't hate her for it. How do I ease her guilt?

 

[erg]

Just tell her that she is first in your list of priorities. If she complains, tell her that your priorities are none of her bussiness.

 

[EcK]

I m confused. Are you guys breaking up?

 

[1487610420]

That hwole guilt thing sounded like a red flag before getting to the part where she actually has a history involving that exact control/guilt dynamic. I'd be cautious about it. You seem chill about all of it, and your choices and priorities, and I don't see anything at fault with that. I think you can only assert yourself and then assess how/if she is able to meet you at the same level or not and figure things out from there.

tldr; SSDINFJ

 

[notebook]

I m confused. Are you guys breaking up?

No we're not, but she's feeling that I'd be better off (have a better life?) without her because she "would only cause delays". Idk, our cognitive functions are similar but it's hard understanding her when she's in one of these "moods".

- - - Updated - - -

Just tell her that she is first in your list of priorities. If she complains, tell her that your priorities are none of her bussiness.

It would be exactly that simple if I don't happen to be dealing with an NF.

 

[EcK]

No we're not, but she's feeling that I'd be better off (have a better life?) without her because she "would only cause delays". Idk, our cognitive functions are similar but it's hard understanding her when she's in one of these "moods".

- - - Updated - - -



It would be exactly that simple if I don't happen to be dealing with an NF.

Why did you take a vacation when you knew it would mean postponing your graduation?

You said you have a job, are you working in the field you are studying for or is it more of a 'student job' if you catch my meaning ?

 

[notebook]

That hwole guilt thing sounded like a red flag before getting to the part where she actually has a history involving that exact control/guilt dynamic. I'd be cautious about it. You seem chill about all of it, and your choices and priorities, and I don't see anything at fault with that. I think you can only assert yourself and then assess how/if she is able to meet you at the same level or not and figure things out from there.

tldr; SSDINFJ

I know she's had some problems and I've been pretty good at handling them in my way, but this sudden guilt is throwing me off. Yeah I don't see a problem with graduating later, I already have a full-time job and I'm in no rush anyway. Not sure why do INFJs seem to think they know what's best for others? I've had a similar issue with another INFJ (best friend) in the past. They would get a bit mad when the people they really care about don't follow their idea of a good timeline.

 

[notebook]

Why did you take a vacation when you knew it would mean postponing your graduation.
You said you were working, are you working in the field you are studying for or is it more of a 'student job' if you catch my meaning ?

That's because I'm not in a rush to graduate and it was a trip that we were really looking forward to. Tbh I don't have a fixed "deadline" to graduate, it's just that she's the most efficient person ever. She's blaming herself because she previously thought I could manage fine by myself and so didn't really ask about my financial situation or about my studies. I wasn't even concerned about the delay until she wanted to know and raised the issue.
I'm working full-time in the field I'm studying for.

 

[1487610420]

I know she's had some problems and I've been pretty good at handling them in my way, but this sudden guilt is throwing me off. Yeah I don't see a problem with graduating later, I already have a full-time job and I'm in no rush anyway. Not sure why do INFJs seem to think they know what's best for others? I've had a similar issue with another INFJ (best friend) in the past. They would get a bit mad when the people they really care about don't follow their idea of a good timeline.

Well, you'll know better than me, but I'd be leery of what that says about the future in trying to have a relationship, it sounds like a potential cop-out/commitment avoidance excuse, I'm sure the psychology literature has info on the "I'm bad for you" category.

 

[EcK]

That's because I'm not in a rush to graduate and it was a trip that we were really looking forward to. Tbh I don't have a fixed "deadline" to graduate, it's just that she's the most efficient person ever. She's blaming herself because she previously thought I could manage fine by myself and so didn't really ask about my financial situation or about my studies. I wasn't even concerned about the delay until she wanted to know and raised the issue.
I'm working full-time in the field I'm studying for.

Ok so essentially your graduation date doesn't really impact your career right?
Then you should tell her that and let her mull over that information, don't expect her to just agree with you on the spot.

You can also explain it's not money wasted, it's money you invested in people (in your relationship) as to help 'shift' her current viewpoint.

In line with what [MENTION=6723]phobik[/MENTION] said, if, after a time, she still doesn't accept that rational then I'd agree with him that there's more than meet the eyes in her statements.

 

[ceecee]

Not sure why do INFJs seem to think they know what's best for others?

I encourage you to give serious thought to this sentence. Really think about it.

 

[notebook]

You can also explain it's not money wasted, it's money you invested in people (in your relationship) as to help 'shift' her current viewpoint.

that sounds like a view she would be willing to accept. thanks for the tip.

 

[iwakar]

She found out that I had been putting off the courses (which are only available every other semester, so I'm in a position such that I won't be graduating until two years later.

So, am I the only one here that would be disturbed to learn that my significant other delayed his college graduation by two years to take me on vacation... and he didn't tell me until after the fact?

Because I would be pretty disturbed. Mostly because of what it says about his priorities and not because of some savior/guilt complex.

 

[EcK]

that sounds like a view she would be willing to accept. thanks for the tip.

Pleasure.

 

[EcK]

So, am I the only one here that would be disturbed to learn that my significant other delayed his college graduation by two years to take me on vacation... and he didn't tell me until after the fact?

Because I would be pretty disturbed. Mostly because of what it says about his priorities and not because of some savior/guilt complex.

Well I had the same concern, but if he already has a job in his field then based on the information available to me it seems irrelevant whether he graduates now or later. (except if in his current job they expect him to graduate at a given time for some reason ?)

 

[iwakar]

Well I had the same concern, but if he already has a job in his field then based on the information available to me it seems irrelevant whether he graduates now or later. (except if in his current job they expect him to graduate at a given time for some reason ?)

If their relationship is as serious as it *seems* to be, one party delaying college graduation two years for any reason (particularly one that involves the other s.o.) would at the very least merit a passing discussion. The only reason she found out was because she noticed the course load change and asked --not because he volunteered the information.

I find that odd, and I don't think it's odd to find that odd.

I have an ISTP brother who has been known to strategically avoid such discussions with his s.o. to avoid an argument about whether it's the best course of action because damnit --he doesn't want his good time spoiled or his mind changed. I'm not saying that's what OP did, but I'm saying it merits as much consideration as her being a manipulative loon.

Methinks current responders are shooting from the hip prematurely on this one.

 

[notebook]

I encourage you to give serious thought to this sentence. Really think about it.

I would obviously look towards their Fe but the thing is they're almost always wrong when they think they're right, and it's difficult for them to believe so. I would have expected them to be more accurate if they're so good at empathising? Although putting one in others' shoes might be an Fi thing. I'm not too well-versed in the exact differences.

 

[1487610420]

If their relationship is as serious as it *seems* to be, one party delaying college graduation two years for any reason (particularly one that involves the other s.o.) would at the very least merit a passing discussion. The only reason she found out was because she noticed the course load change and asked --not because he volunteered the information.

I find that odd, and I don't think it's odd to find that odd.

I have an ISTP brother who has been known to strategically avoid such discussions with his s.o. to avoid an argument about whether it's the best course of action because damnit --he doesn't want his good time spoiled or his mind changed. I'm not saying that's what OP did, but I'm saying it merits as much consideration as her being a manipulative loon.

Methinks current responders are shooting from the hip prematurely on this one.

Are you suggesting the OP is related to this?

 

[notebook]

If their relationship is as serious as it *seems* to be, one party delaying college graduation two years for any reason (particularly one that involves the other s.o.) would at the very least merit a passing discussion. The only reason she found out was because she noticed the course load change and asked --not because he volunteered the information.

I find that odd, and I don't think it's odd to find that odd.

I have an ISTP brother who has been known to strategically avoid such discussions with his s.o. to avoid an argument about whether it's the best course of action because damnit --he doesn't want his good time spoiled or his mind changed. I'm not saying that's what OP did, but I'm saying it merits as much consideration as her being a manipulative loon.

Methinks current responders are shooting from the hip prematurely on this one.

I won't say I did the best decision, because obviously from her pov I didn't, but I just wanted to say that it's only by a year (not so much financially related but the availability of the courses I need each semester, one of them isn't available next year) and I didn't bring it up because I felt that it would almost definitely kill her excitement about the trip (and she really wanted to go). So I took what I thought to be the best course of action.

 

[ceecee]

I would obviously look towards their Fe but the thing is they're almost always wrong when they think they're right, and it's difficult for them to believe so. I would have expected them to be more accurate if they're so good at empathising? Although putting one in others' shoes might be an Fi thing. I'm not too well-versed in the exact differences.

What I'm saying is, your current situation is pretty minor, relatively speaking. Think about a more critical matter. Is this behavior ok with you? For some xNFJ's, the idea that they are wrong about how another person feels is unthinkable. The idea that someone would resist their manipulation attempts to do it their way is an affront. It's not that it's always malevolent manipulation, many times it's not. But to them, none of it is, they know you better than you, that's why it's so difficult for them to believe they're wrong.