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[INFP] INFP scary feelings

nettle

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2016
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFP
So... I'm a mature INFP. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I always feel really shakey, scared, immature, inexperienced...

I was in a long term relationship which ended a couple of years ago, I had a hard time leaving it, it was an unhealthy situation. But I did and now I've met someone else. And I really like them. At first I was cautious, and their advances were a little unsettling to me, I kept myself apart to a degree, held my feelings at bay. But now suddenly I feel like I'm unraveling and I'm feeling really strong feelings. It feels so intense and even painful and certainly a little like insanity and like I've lost control. I think this is why I hold myself back from romantic situations, because if I allow myself to feel anything I feel this landslide. If I give my heart to someone I give it all. In my last relationship I lost myself completely, I'm scared of that happening again. I don't know what I'm asking here exactly. Can anyone relate or give advice?
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
If you were in a long term unhealthy relationship, therapy may be a good idea. If you lost yourself completely you will need to find yourself before you can share anything in a healthy way with another person.
 

nettle

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2016
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFP
thanks ceecee :D

I have had lots of therapy actually, and have spent over a year being single and finding myself - I see the finding myself as a lifelong project, but do feel much more myself than I used to be! :)
 

Firebird 8118

DJ Phoenix
Joined
Sep 22, 2012
Messages
3,134
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
279
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Oh yeah, that happens to me every time I fall for someone :mellow: the hopeless romantic in me just never gives up, but then I fall hard each time and feel myself slipping... these days though, I am working on healing myself again. :heart:

One thing I can say: taking care of yourself before taking care of others is a good thing. :) Because how can we give something to others that we don't have ourselves?
 

Neokortex

New member
Joined
Sep 4, 2016
Messages
186
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
461
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Same here. Not sure what you mean by being mature, though. I think I'm under some curse to stay immature my whole life... but yes, regardless, I felt sliding down once, with an INFJ, she gave me all the advice in the world to keep it all together, before (and insert here a hiatus of a winter break), before announcing that she had finally found someone, someone else to fall for. Weird thing, though, I'm really interested in how you could keep that relationship going... if you're a guy, that is. I'm all in for people who's advances are assertive, clear and all out there. Kinda makes me trust them more to let my guard down and let myself slide down into loosing myself in my feelings. The way I reckoned, women don't like softened guys, perhaps bc then they don't have much to give, but if you were the softened guy, then probably your woman was giving to you in advance. haha
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
[MENTION=30195]nettle[/MENTION]
One thing that can sometimes help with dealing with a lost love is to remember that even though it was painful, you did survive it. It is scary to try to love again, but it helps me to remember that even if the pain and rejection return, I may be able to survive it again as well. I feel the same way about past relationship and it was so incredibly painful when it ended, so it is scary to try again. It helps also to remember that it is better to take a risk at happiness than to have a long, lonely, bland life.
 

Norrsken

self murderer
Joined
Nov 27, 2015
Messages
3,633
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
thanks ceecee :D

I have had lots of therapy actually, and have spent over a year being single and finding myself - I see the finding myself as a lifelong project, but do feel much more myself than I used to be! :)

I'm glad you've taken those steps! There is nothing wrong with taking a short break from dating and to find comfort within yourself first before you can give yourself to somebody else. It is the most healthy and natural thing in the world to do so and I'm happy for you. With the fear of falling in love, though, it may be worth to not see it as a dating but as something you can do slowly and making it light hearted rather than a serious thing; What I mean is, is that it is okay to casually date around and to focus on the fun and platonic aspects of it first and just let the love grow organically over time. Perhaps the unhealthy relationship made you move faster than you wanted it to be, or the partner you had was perhaps controlling?

Take your time and to always listen to your heart and your gut feelings. If someone doesn't feel safe, listen to yourself! If you see red flags, even tiny ones, don't ignore them! But at the same time, have fun!
 

nettle

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2016
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFP
Morning Star,
thanks so much for the self care reminder! It is definitely a big key, and something I have been prioritising, but maybe have lost sight of it recently. I think I have to be very conscious in order to maintain my life outside of any romantic feelings - ie keep up all my hobbies and socialising with friends. In truth I have loved being single, because it has meant that I could put myself first and please myself! I know I will have to be very selective about choosing love interests that are happy for me to remain very independent. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way - sending healing vibes to you!:)

Neokortex,
I think when I said I am mature, I guess I mean I'm not young - though I'm not old either, just in my 30s, haha. I guess I feel I conduct all other areas of my life with maturity, I'm pretty responsible and boring, but when it comes to love I find I suddenly feel the same way I felt as 13 yr old - I feel a bit naive and not as "in control" as I do normally, and that makes me anxious.
I'm sorry about the INFJ that found someone else, that must have hurt!! I guess I am now entering the phase of "if this doesnt work out its really going to hurt" and being vulnerable is hard lol. I'm a woman, the guy has been quite open about his interest from the start, and we seem to have an extremely deep connection, which is like what I've always wanted with someone, us INFPs love depth and authenticity, but now its happening its almost overwhelming. I get what you mean about when they are assertive and clear about their intentions - I would never be able to own up about my own feelings if they weren't pretty clear about theirs first! It has encouraged me to let my guard down more that I usually would, be more forward than I usually would, and I feel the barriers around my heart crumbling and I simultaneously know its probably too soon for me to be feeling this strongly. The battle of logic and heart.

Labyrinthine,
oh thank you, that is very beautifully put :) I know I don't want to stay "safe" for my whole life and never take any risks and never find happiness. I know sometimes risks are necessary and love is a pretty big risk with a lot of gain and a lot to lose! And heck yeah if I survived my last relationship, I can survive anything! :D

theforsaken,
you're absolutely right about taking it slow! I could not agree more. I guess I have been taking it slow, and the object of my affection has been very honoring of my wish to do so. Extremely slow haha, I guess my heart is starting to accelerate now and I want it to slow down but it wont listen to me lol. I think I'm going to try and shift my focus onto other people in my life (friends, family) and hobbies and self care, and try not to obsess too much about this person. Most of our conversation is quite light hearted and fun, and I try not to think too much about the future or where it is going, just feel myself getting very attached. My unhealthy relationship did move very fast, and it was long term (10+ years), and he was controlling, among other things. New guy is very different:)
 

Qwho

New member
Joined
Nov 3, 2016
Messages
5
MBTI Type
FiNe
I read a lot to build on here. Ironically, I find that INFPs can be among the--or most--observant and self-reflective people, yet we need to always remind ourselves and take a step back from with the kind of idealism that paints our perspectives. This is especially true in relationships. We sometimes get too lost in the prospecting of what 'the one' looks like, that we overlook the right now. I have had somewhat similar experiences to what you describe. Though, I am not suggesting this is what is happening with you. It was a relationship very much characterized by ambivalence. On one had I was hopeful about possibilities, yet I was intuitively disturbed by potential compatibility issues. I realized not long after that my intuition was right all along, but not necessarily that I shouldn't have made the effort. Trying for the sake of trying, to some degree, was a good thing, but it is EXTREMELY important to not get lost in this cycle. I realized how much I was projecting my hopefulness of what the relationship could be, sustained by the purely passionate connection we had, that I neglected the absence of compassion and compatibility.

Every INFP should be vigilant of too much Fi+Si dominance. For one, it will leave you avoidant and withdrawn to new experiences, yet it will also let you remain dependent on your current situations even if they are unhealthy. I see you have said that you are keeping up with socializing etc, so that is good. But maybe it is not to the extent that is possible? For me, despite being socially active, I really needed to redirect my Ne to socializing as a result. Microexposures to get oneself--I was going to say less withdrawn, but really I mean--not withdrawn at all. Concentrate less on the future, allow oneself to sit in the present and perceive things naturally, as to simply be open to possibilities as they arise. Since then, I actually test Ne dominant, or equivalently dominant as I still identify heavily as INFP. Though, there are other factors in this, too.
 

DaveG

New member
Joined
Nov 23, 2016
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFJ
I know the feeling Nettle. I think I'm even a bit scared to let myself go and try to hard to keep women I like at a distance. But I'm trying to stay true to myself and live my own life. Like you said, keep working on your hobbies and keep socialising with friends. That way, you can let yourself go for a time and when things don't work out, you still have a happy life to "get back to". Because like theforsaken said, it's also important to just have fun and I think letting yourself go with someone you like is part of that. Don't wake up in 30 years filled with regrets.
 
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