[INFJ] Adolescence.

[Norrsken]

Inspired by an ENTP starting their own thread about the teenage years in an ENTP's life, as well as reconnecting with an old friend from my high school, has spurred me into creating this out of simple curiosity. What was the adolescent years like for you, the INFJ? How did you fit in? What were your difficulties in this time frame? What did you get out the most when you moved into the adult years afterward?

 

[maximilianmuel]

Hi theforsaken – interesting question, thanks for asking!
As a male INFJ I can’t say that I enjoyed my adolescent years too much. I always seemed to be not interested in the same stuff that boys my age were interested in, e.g. sports, drinking, party going etc…..in short, all of that what society somehow expects teenage boys to do. In short, most of the time I was left alone as I did not aspire to join that behavior nor did it make me feel good about myself.
I sometimes ended up at parties and the likes but most of my interaction happened on a one-to-one level with those people I took an interest in or that saw me, back then, as their mentor of sorts. I didn’t fit in. I was like a respected outsider, heard, sometimes followed but never an equal.
What I took away from that experience is that everyone is trying to be unique and true to oneself at some level but that by our nature we have to sometimes scale ourselves back in order to get along or even attract someone. So I have learned and am still learning to be more accepting of the more extroverted and less binding way of live and human interaction, realizing that most people don’t necessarily mean what they say – in short: I find solace in the indifference we need to bring to a majority of human interaction. Above all, I have learned that I need to put myself out into life in order to live. It doesn’t come visit you in your room.

I hope this is somewhat satisfactory to you.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I didn't fit in, but I wasn't hated either. I spent most of my time alone in my room, on walks in nature, or at a piano writing songs. I was involved in a couple of leadership positions at school, but wasn't actually close to anyone. I had a few people I desired to be friends with, but didn't know how to make it happen. I didn't have much in common with the other people in my school. My most meaningful social interactions tended to occur when I was playing piano in one of the larger rooms and other kids would come in, listen for a while, and then talk to me about their problems. These were most often the social outcasts. I would chat with them or sit by them around the school, but also often sat alone. I also performed and people expressed some admiration for my skill, so I was in an unusual role at school. I don't think people knew what to think of me, but most often they simply didn't think of me.

I wrestled with a lot of philosophical questions, was in a depression, had some intense emotional regulation problems I kept to myself, but found my relief sitting alone in nature. I become 'friends' with the intangible beauty in the world around me. It felt like a connection, like I was looking at something and it looked back. Knowing I could see so much beauty around me gave me peace that it must also exist inside of me. I felt the most peace when I knew I helped someone feel better or when I felt connected to nature.

My emotional world tended to be either euphoric wonder or agonizing pain. There wasn't much middle ground when young, but as time passed, I've at times become lost in the grey. I miss the intensity of euphoria I used to be able to feel when alone.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

Someone should make an ISFJ version, I would have as a teen.

I would have made 20.

 

[Norrsken]

Growing up, I had always felt like I was seeing the world through a glass case. People didn't know what to do with me or how to react towards me, so they kept me at a safe distance despite my overall friendly and helpful like demeanor. Many people avoided dealing with me altogether, while a few were brave enough to speak up and said that they have never met someone as strange as I am, and that I was "different", a word that slips through their lips like it was an omen that shouldn't be said. Still, I've had some who seemed to appreciate my insights and caring nature, and I took some of the social outcasts in my schools under my wings. In many instances, I wasn't sure how to behave or how to dress or how to socialize in a way that was acceptable to a teenage audience; I was told that I was very intense for someone of my age, much too involved in the private lives of others and always so stuck inside my own head. I couldn't follow the fashion trends too carefully, and seemed somewhat clumsy in missing the key details in looking like the other adolescents. I was too emotionally charged and way too focused on what seemed like nothing to others. For most teenagers, they just wanted to kick back and party away, and although I have been invited to some, I never felt like they wanted me there, unable to relax and shoot the shit like they could. I had zero charisma, to be honest.

For my entire high school career, I was always the one who leaped up and exclaimed, "I told you so!", much to my social group's annoyance and entrancement. I was always able to know what was going to happen next, time traveling from my mind's eye and helping others see how they can get out of certain troubling situations or other individuals. I always found myself in the role of somebody's counselor, aiding them to a solution that they haven't thought of before. I was a late bloomer, I must admit; when twelve year old girls already had their first kiss and a boyfriend to go to school dances with, it took me to almost age seventeen or eighteen until I found myself in a relationship. That relationship wasn't a very happy one, since he would rather flirt and cheat and do drugs rather than call me like he would promise me to. He had some good points, but it just wasn't in the cards. And so the story goes, we broke up, our social group preferred him, the normal one, over me, the strange girl. Shouldn't have hurt me so much at that time, but it did. Academically wise, I was told that I was intelligent and wrote very well, and almost got in trouble with a teacher who thought I was plagarizing for a homework assignment. She realized later that it was all my own words, and she apologized to my father, saying that most sixteen year old girls just don't write the things I do. A little moment of pride here, sorry!

Despite that, I found school to be overly stressful. The environment, the vibe, the overtly desire from the teachers for sensor-like learning such as repeated memorizations, just about shot my nerves and I would shut down. I think I suffered from maladaptive daydreaming from the abuse I've suffered as well as from the strict school schedule. American academics is just... yes. You know.

What I got the most out of it is that sometimes, it is actually okay to not peak during high school, and that you will find yourself once you grow up a little. I'm still working on myself, but I can safely say that I am in a much better mind frame now than I ever was back then. I'm very happy these days, and, the years of lonliness and crying in my bedroom while other teenagers were having the time of their lives gave me more empathy for people who needed my friendship and guidance later in life. It was a blessing in disguise, especially when the people I knew in high school turned out to not have the sweet life anymore when graduation was over. It seems harsh, and I found all this out recently through Facebook. I do hope they find happiness someday, but I've moved on. I am learning to love myself despite everything that happened.

 

[meowington]

cademically wise, I was told that I was intelligent and wrote very well, and almost got in trouble with a teacher who thought I was plagarizing for a homework assignment. She realized later that it was all my own words, and she apologized to my father, saying that most sixteen year old girls just don't write the things I do. A little moment of pride here, sorry!

OMG, that's exactly what I've encountered as well. Still very pissed off about it, until this day. Never had an apology (glad you did). My entire disdain for teachers stems from incidents like that one. I wrote a marvelous essay on welfare vs well being. He "only" gave me an eight; said my dad wrote it. I should have gotten a Pullitzer. Dude could barely conceive a human wrote it, let alone a 16yr old. Yeah, I have an unrecognized genius complex

I'm a late bloomer too. Just not in the romantic sense : I went in head over heels the second puberty started. I wish I was a bit more withdrawn romantically, in retrospect. Should have taken more time to learn the game, cause I had some affairs that ended really bad. Mainly cause I was very naïeve during my youth.
I might answer a bit more in depth to this thread if I find time for it.

 

[Norrsken]

OMG, that's exactly what I've encountered as well. Still very pissed off about it, until this day. Never had an apology (glad you did). My entire disdain for teachers stems from incidents like that one. I wrote a marvelous essay on welfare vs well being. He "only" gave me an eight; said my dad wrote it. I should have gotten a Pullitzer. Dude could barely conceive a human wrote it, let alone a 16yr old. Yeah, I have an unrecognised genius complex

Unrecognized genius complex. I like that!

That is so messed up and I'm sorry you went through that. It is already hard enough to be an INFJ youth and trying to fit in; teachers shouldn't treat us like criminals on top of that! Upon my teacher telling my father about the writing incident, he sighed bitterly and told me, "That's just the way they are. If you're too dumb, they'll ram it into you. If you're too smart, they'll think you're cheating. You can't win with them. Don't feel bad." Wise words from an ISTJ dad!

 

[Nico_D]

I personally never fit in, still never do. I felt myself emotionally and intellectually different from everybody else and people also let me know that - and not in a good way. I wasn't difficult or behaved badly, I tried desperately to fit in, fighting for a place among people but that never really worked out. I was fooling myself more than I was fooling them.

Around 15 I grew even more interested in people and started to read some psychology. Also at school I looked at people trying to figure them out - which I could, up to a point. But that lead to problems when the girls in my class thought I was fascinated to a new girl every day when instead I was watching and studying - not understanding (hey, 15 and naive) anyone saw me doing it. So they hurt them and being so full of themselves as people in their puberty are, thought I'm in love with them. Which lead me to even more problems.

I was sad and deep individual spending the vast amount of my time alone. I never cared about school, I found it boring and uninteresting. I got through it without reading tho I didn't break any records with my grades. I didn't care. Used to write a lot too, my history teacher let me do couple of philosophical essays which he thought were quite good (or he was lying, can't tell) for a boy of my age. Also I was learning to write in general, started my first practices for novel and play or whatever.

Don't miss the times. They just sucked.

 

[Norrsken]

I'm a late bloomer too. Just not in the romantic sense : I went in head over heels the second puberty started. I wish I was a bit more withdrawn romantically, in retrospect. Should have taken more time to learn the game, cause I had some affairs that ended really bad. Mainly cause I was very naïeve during my youth.
I might answer a bit more in depth to this thread if I find time for it.

The dating rules escaped me as a teenager, as well. I'm surprised I even landed a boyfriend in high school, seeing as how I still to this day don't know how to flirt properly. All these rules about how to talk with the opposite sex, how to wear your hair in a certain way, how to send signals.. it was all too much for me. Still is too much. I was rejected a lot from guys I liked because I wasn't the all American beauty with the adequate social skills to win them over. I was the weird girl and they just didn't want to dirty their reputations on me. And no offense to some people out there, but it wasn't like I was morbidly obese or super unattractive or dressed in a very bizarre fashion. I suppose there was just something "off" about me that young people just wouldn't understand or trust and so, I was shoved away. I had very few friends.

Phew, that was long winded, sorry.

 

[meowington]

The dating rules escaped me as a teenager, as well. I'm surprised I even landed a boyfriend in high school, seeing as how I still to this day don't know how to flirt properly. All these rules about how to talk with the opposite sex, how to wear your hair in a certain way, how to send signals.. it was all too much for me. Still is too much. I was rejected a lot from guys I liked because I wasn't the all American beauty with the adequate social skills to win them over. I was the weird girl and they just didn't want to dirty their reputations on me. And no offense to some people out there, but it wasn't like I was morbidly obese or super unattractive or dressed in a very bizarre fashion. I suppose there was just something "off" about me that young people just wouldn't understand or trust and so, I was shoved away. I had very few friends.

Phew, that was long winded, sorry.

nah, that's okay.
This does resonate with me. Especially the part about sending signals and, overall, flirting. Apparently my caring nature -rather uncommon for a heterosexual male- was a recipe for mixed signals to others. On more than 1 occasion I've been accused of stringing along girls who happened to like me (while I was usually not even aware of the latter).
It's kind of weird how the same cards can play out differently each game. Cause when you say your weirdness must have been a turnoff for (some) others, I'm pretty sure my weirdness is what made me attractive to opposite sex.
But I do have a romantic history of being very popular among girls I didn't like and being unpopular with girls I did like. meh.
I think a lot of people take me for ENTx kind of guy, and then they get scared once they pick up my genuine INFJ intensity.

On topic : I think I was quite something back in high school. I don't want to brag, so I'll leave in the middle if this was positive or negative. Think it all depends on the eye of the beholder. But I was extremely extravert for an INFJ.
I was the class joker, but a good one. I think there wasn't a day I didn't made the whole class laugh. I have a very unconventional, out of the box, sense of humor (typical for enneagram 6). I think I was very unrestrained before adolescence (still am now in certain aspects). I had a fairly happy youth overall.
But when I reached 18 and started seeing the world for what it is, things got really bad. Kind of became agoraphobic. I even went to psychiatric day-clinic for a few months somewhere between age 18-23. I started more than 1 university or college class and dropped out few months later each time. I won't go all in detail here, what matters now is that eventually I found my way. Adolescence was a bitch for me.

Talking about long winded

Last thing to add : It sounds like you were much more in tune with your own personality and/or sensitivities than I was during my youth. I've only discovered a lot about myself during adolescence. I wasn't very aware of my personality traits the first 20 years or so.

 

[Norrsken]

[MENTION=4299]meowington[/MENTION], I actually believe that INFJ men have something very special about them and that is why women in general flock to the heterosexual male INFJ. The comment you made about being very extraverted resonated with me as well; I did put myself out there a lot, despite being an introvert, and I cared a hell a lot about how I come across to other people. I desperately wanted to fit in, to find my own people to connect with, even if typical extravert activities burn me out much quickly than for other people. It is a strange combination to be in. I wanted so badly to be accepted but was just too odd for others to feel comfortable around.

Going back to the male INFJ, I think its the rarity as well as male INFJs just knowing how to listen to a woman and hear her out, not actively trying to sleep with her (unless he wants to play the field or what have you), and being all around friendly without being too in her face about it. The intensity found in a male INFJ is intriguing, because we can respect a man when he is passionate about something. With a female INFJ, however, we can be intense, and then everyone else feels awkward and want to tell her, "Um, can you calm down for a minute? Its not attractive for a woman to keep yammering like that." Even in liberal circles, I've faced the "calm down" look and phrases, and this is from both genders, mind you.

I wish I can calm down, in a sense. But I can't. I care too much, I think too much, I am too much. The minute I try to quiet myself is the minute that life feels dead to me. And maybe I like being passionate about my NF pursuits. Here I go again, talking too much, but I'm not going to apologize this time. I am happy that your INFJness worked as a strength for you in the mating game, lol.

 

[meowington]

[MENTION=4299]meowington[/MENTION], I actually believe that INFJ men have something very special about them and that is why women in general flock to the heterosexual male INFJ. The comment you made about being very extraverted resonated with me as well; I did put myself out there a lot, despite being an introvert, and I cared a hell a lot about how I come across to other people. I desperately wanted to fit in, to find my own people to connect with, even if typical extravert activities burn me out much quickly than for other people. It is a strange combination to be in. I wanted so badly to be accepted but was just too odd for others to feel comfortable around.

Going back to the male INFJ, I think its the rarity as well as male INFJs just knowing how to listen to a woman and hear her out, not actively trying to sleep with her (unless he wants to play the field or what have you), and being all around friendly without being too in her face about it. The intensity found in a male INFJ is intriguing, because we can respect a man when he is passionate about something. With a female INFJ, however, we can be intense, and then everyone else feels awkward and want to tell her, "Um, can you calm down for a minute? Its not attractive for a woman to keep yammering like that." Even in liberal circles, I've faced the "calm down" look and phrases, and this is from both genders, mind you.

It's one thing being in high demand, as I was, as an INFJ male. But I didn't really do anything with it because of insecurities, very, very similar to yours (caring too much how I come across, desperately trying to fit in and in my case also trying to connect with the wrong people. Overall not really knowing how to behave.). At some point, especially romantically, I always had the typical INFJ tendency, to make things awkward. You see, that awkwardness is probably just trademark INFJ, not male INFJ or female INFJ. If anything I always though female INFJs were more easily accepted as sensitivity is generally seen as a female virtue and a male weakness. Not that I personally abide to such cultural nonsense, as I'm very well aware that my sensitivity is my biggest strength (or a double-edged sword to be honest).

The minute I try to quiet myself is the minute that life feels dead to me.

Could not have said it any better.

I also get the "calm down" look and phrases all the time, and probably rightfully so. I'm doing my best to be very mindful of my own temper and passion lately, cause it's gonna kill me in the long run if I don't -or get me fired -, but to be completely stripped of it, just wouldn't be me.

 

[maximilianmuel]

I think what makes male INFJs different from other males is that we simply do not subscribe to the “melting pot syndrome” of other males (and females). I think we just instinctively know what we would like to do and struggle with it when our expectation differs from the other people’s expectations. When I talk to my non-INFJ male friends it always seems to be about helping them find what they actually want – not how they could adjust their approach to get what they want, a conversation I always have with me or my best friends (e.g. “How can I be me but still be sociable?”).
I wouldn’t call caring about how we come across as insecurity although other people might see it that way. It is important, but only to an extent (as I have painfully learned). I think it is insecurity if it paralyzes you up to the point where you can’t do anything about it.
I have definitely noticed being in high demand by the opposite sex (as a male INFJ) but not as often as a romantic (and even less purely sexual) interest. Most of the time I was the typical “friendzoned” partner of a couple of – interesting – girls who all had one or the other problem and who came to me for advice on almost any topic. But I have experienced that your personality is just one of the many parts that make or break your attractiveness.
I have learned that when you look after yourself in body and mind, be sure of what you want/need and manage to project not the trademark “scowl” or “come back some other time – look” on your face but smile and seem to be somewhat approachable that people really do rally around you, take interest in you and even start to love you. Those who don’t, well screw them. Live’s too short to pay attention to that (so I have learned). It does take a lot of energy so I always make sure to have my downtime for me and my “batteries” – e.g. in swimming (great, since you work out and it’s a solitary exercise or rowing, many individuals moving towards one goal).
It took me time but I think that I can now manage asking a girl out (that I have known a little before that – no pickup idiocy at a bar or club) without coming across as to awkward or intense. And I someone refuses, well just let them know to have a nice day and excuse yourself (and find some time to calm down your nerves).
Reading about supposed dating&mating behavior has helped me a lot to up my game – it is sort of a general framework in which I can manage my expectations and adjust my approach based on what I perceive the other person would like while also trying to be true to myself in the process.
As for INFJ females I can’t really share my thoughts since I have never met anyone in person (or did not realize it)…personally, I enjoy girls a lot who have their own interests and are passionate about those. Nothing is worse than having a sex-doll sitting on your sofa waiting for you to initiate and tell her everything you would like just because they think that is what acceptable female behavior ought to be like. On the contrary, a woman whom you can have an intelligent and knowledgeable conversation about anything other than celebrities, clothes, perfume or jewelry is a rare find. I find that alluringly attractive if a woman is true to herself and confident.
And I stop pursuing ladies who think they should play hard to get – I think that is really immature.
After having a lot of very…energetic…outburst as a young boy and teen I have struggled as well with the “would you please calm down” look by chaperones, teachers and parents. I have found ways and means to channel my energy into a variety of different aspects of my live e.g. hobbies or sport. Although when they truly cross my principle, heaven help them
Being too intense is true – sometimes I can’t stop rambling on about something that has me passionate about it – like this (or planes, or politics, or …). Sorry, stopping rambling now

 

[maximilianmuel]

So much for stopping rambling

OMG, that's exactly what I've encountered as well. Still very pissed off about it, until this day. Never had an apology (glad you did). My entire disdain for teachers stems from incidents like that one. I wrote a marvelous essay on welfare vs well being. He "only" gave me an eight; said my dad wrote it. I should have gotten a Pullitzer. Dude could barely conceive a human wrote it, let alone a 16yr old. Yeah, I have an unrecognized genius complex

Unrecognized genius complex. I like that!

That is so messed up and I'm sorry you went through that. It is already hard enough to be an INFJ youth and trying to fit in; teachers shouldn't treat us like criminals on top of that! Upon my teacher telling my father about the writing incident, he sighed bitterly and told me, "That's just the way they are. If you're too dumb, they'll ram it into you. If you're too smart, they'll think you're cheating. You can't win with them. Don't feel bad." Wise words from an ISTJ dad!

Oh, yeah. I know that feeling too. It sucks. And I love theforsakens ISTJs dad advice – echoes my experience: live is too short to worry about everything, somethings one just has to let go. Or: don’t argue with idiots. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you as they have more experience down there.

But it always depended on the subject – in the humanities I was quite good and my teachers never trusted me that it was me behind my essays until I had to give a presentation in which I basically argued the teacher into the ground – to the point that he got angry after a student recommended asking me after he didn’t know the answer to his question and yelled he couldn’t do anything about it that I was more knowledgeable than him and that we were all stuck with him teaching us but he would gladly refer to my knowledge if he wouldn’t know. I so felt bad for him afterwards and I still do.

In sciences, I never opened my mouth – nothing good ever came of it when I was selected to speak by a teacher.

 

[Jellyfish1234]

It's when I read threads like these that I question whether or not I am an INFJ, because a lot of INFJs seem to say they were the genius-misfit as a teenager, who people found fascinating and odd, but I don't think I was/am anything like that haha. I see myself, in public, as a kind of overly-polite yet socially-clumsy quiet guy who keeps to himself and nobody really knows.

I also have absolutely no interest in having a romantic relationship whatsoever, which doesn't seem like a common thing for INFJs.

 

[Norrsken]

[MENTION=28184]Jellyfish1234[/MENTION]: You could try wearing the ISFJ badge for a while and see if it feels like a better fit for you?

 

[Jellyfish1234]

[MENTION=28184]Jellyfish1234[/MENTION]: You could try wearing the ISFJ badge for a while and see if it feels like a better fit for you?

Yeah, lately I've been kind of mentally labeling myself as ISFJ and seeing how it sits with me, but I'm not sure how I feel about that either haha. It's really frustrating because I relate a whole lot to being on the Fe-Ti axis, so I'm confident in being an XXFJ, and I also relate a lot to being Pi dom, so I'm also confident in being an IXFJ, but when it comes to Ni and Si, I don't relate a lot to either. Maybe I just don't know myself well enough to say for sure one way or another I suppose haha. I'm hoping Michael Pierce brings out his ISFJ video soon so I can see if I relate to that or not, because I didn't relate to the Ni section of his new INFJ video at all. Thank you very much for the idea. I'll go back to being IXFJ on my profile again haha.

 

[meowington]

It's when I read threads like these that I question whether or not I am an INFJ, because a lot of INFJs seem to say they were the genius-misfit as a teenager, who people found fascinating and odd, but I don't think I was/am anything like that haha. I see myself, in public, as a kind of overly-polite yet socially-clumsy quiet guy who keeps to himself and nobody really knows.

The few INFJs I know are a lot more like what you described. I may not be a very typical INFJ or a representative INFJ.

I also have absolutely no interest in having a romantic relationship whatsoever, which doesn't seem like a common thing for INFJs.

Why not ?

 

[Norrsken]

Why not ?

Asexuality is a thing lol, maybe he's in that spectrum.

 

[Jellyfish1234]

The few INFJs I know are a lot more like what you described. I may not be a very typical INFJ or a representative INFJ.

Oh really? Well that makes me feel better then haha.

Why not ?

I don't really know to be honest, I guess I've just never had the desire to be in a relationship with somebody like that. If someone comes along and they're the girl of my dreams and I fall in love then sure haha, but I'm not actively searching for a partner. It's probably partly because I feel like I have too many mental issues (although I don't know what those issues are) to be able to maintain a relationship like that. I'd have to pretend to be normal for too long and it would drain me haha.

Asexuality is a thing lol, maybe he's in that spectrum.

I don't know much about asexuality but I do get sexually attracted to people, I just don't desire to date them and have a relationship like that with them.