StarFollowed
Stardust
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2016
- Messages
- 79
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
- Enneagram
- 4w3
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/so
I've been down lately, listening to sad songs and lots of Adele and Adam Lambert, not interacting with others as much.
I'm Bipolar and on medication, which has relieved suicidal thoughts and depression/mania. I still get low from time to time, but only for a few days of intense depression and then I feel myself again.
I just can't describe it. I have friends, but I can't really talk to them. I had an INFJ friend that I was extremely close with and whom I considered my best friend. But I broke her heart by hurting her in a way she never expected, so the friendship ended and I spiraled into depression. I still feel guilty that I hurt her. She was the only person I've hurt and I can't seem to completely let it go, even after two years.
We were both overweight and emotional eaters. Our fun times centered around eating out and eating a lot. She was 100 pounds overweight with health problems due to the excess weight. She ate to comfort herself after her mother's second marriage. (And her stepdad being a dick.) I was 30 pounds overweight and ate so that men wouldn't pay attention to me.
Eventually, I lost the 30 pounds and a total of 50. I was healthy and happy, but it hurt me to see that she became increasingly bigger and was complaining to me more. often I felt depressed and felt like I was drowning in her emotions the more I was around her. I tried to help her get her diet on track, but she said she "wasn't ready" to lose weight and was very critical of my friends until I cut them off or distanced myself to the point of loneliness.
I've kept the weight off for almost two years now. When I was suicidal, I told myself I couldn't turn to food to relieve my feelings of depression (and I was afraid of gaining the weight back.) so I stopped eating and dropped to 97 pounds from 103-105 at 5'1. I'm at 108 and working to get back to the range I am most comfortable with.
We got into a fight and I told her that she should stop eating so much. Just that bluntly. There is no excuse for what I said and I regret it, but she hurt me so much and I bottled up a lot that that was how it came out. She's putting her health and frankly her looks at risk for something that is fleeting. I believe health is important, but looks matter too. It's the first judgement we make when we see someone, wether we like it or not. She wasn't supportive of my weight loss either, and hated that I didn't eat with her, or as much.
The doctors said she can't ever have kids if she continues to eat like this. Whenever she went to the doctors or had breathing problems, the first thing was said to her was to lose weight. She hated that.
Therapy is too expensive and I went to an outpatient therapy/treatment, but I didn't really find it helpful. I just found a few people whom I can relate to. Both are INFPs. I have a boyfriend and I'm happy with the relationship, but I don't know why I feel like this. I don't like to burden people with my negative emotions, so I bottle up a lot. I'm a writer, and my work has gotten rejections, which surprisingly, doesn't bother me. My point is that I have creative outlets to channel the dark feelings I pent up, but it's not enough. I want interaction. I want someone who is on my wavelength. I suffer from bouts of loneliness too.
I just feel like an outsider. I feel alone. Acting was my outlet for a while because I could play outsiders, people that I related to and loved. But I had to quit because I've hit dead ends, career wise. So now I'm studying English and hope to teach one day, get my book published.
Anyone else out there? Sorry that my rant ended up in weird places.
I'm Bipolar and on medication, which has relieved suicidal thoughts and depression/mania. I still get low from time to time, but only for a few days of intense depression and then I feel myself again.
I just can't describe it. I have friends, but I can't really talk to them. I had an INFJ friend that I was extremely close with and whom I considered my best friend. But I broke her heart by hurting her in a way she never expected, so the friendship ended and I spiraled into depression. I still feel guilty that I hurt her. She was the only person I've hurt and I can't seem to completely let it go, even after two years.
We were both overweight and emotional eaters. Our fun times centered around eating out and eating a lot. She was 100 pounds overweight with health problems due to the excess weight. She ate to comfort herself after her mother's second marriage. (And her stepdad being a dick.) I was 30 pounds overweight and ate so that men wouldn't pay attention to me.
Eventually, I lost the 30 pounds and a total of 50. I was healthy and happy, but it hurt me to see that she became increasingly bigger and was complaining to me more. often I felt depressed and felt like I was drowning in her emotions the more I was around her. I tried to help her get her diet on track, but she said she "wasn't ready" to lose weight and was very critical of my friends until I cut them off or distanced myself to the point of loneliness.
I've kept the weight off for almost two years now. When I was suicidal, I told myself I couldn't turn to food to relieve my feelings of depression (and I was afraid of gaining the weight back.) so I stopped eating and dropped to 97 pounds from 103-105 at 5'1. I'm at 108 and working to get back to the range I am most comfortable with.
We got into a fight and I told her that she should stop eating so much. Just that bluntly. There is no excuse for what I said and I regret it, but she hurt me so much and I bottled up a lot that that was how it came out. She's putting her health and frankly her looks at risk for something that is fleeting. I believe health is important, but looks matter too. It's the first judgement we make when we see someone, wether we like it or not. She wasn't supportive of my weight loss either, and hated that I didn't eat with her, or as much.
The doctors said she can't ever have kids if she continues to eat like this. Whenever she went to the doctors or had breathing problems, the first thing was said to her was to lose weight. She hated that.
Therapy is too expensive and I went to an outpatient therapy/treatment, but I didn't really find it helpful. I just found a few people whom I can relate to. Both are INFPs. I have a boyfriend and I'm happy with the relationship, but I don't know why I feel like this. I don't like to burden people with my negative emotions, so I bottle up a lot. I'm a writer, and my work has gotten rejections, which surprisingly, doesn't bother me. My point is that I have creative outlets to channel the dark feelings I pent up, but it's not enough. I want interaction. I want someone who is on my wavelength. I suffer from bouts of loneliness too.
I just feel like an outsider. I feel alone. Acting was my outlet for a while because I could play outsiders, people that I related to and loved. But I had to quit because I've hit dead ends, career wise. So now I'm studying English and hope to teach one day, get my book published.
Anyone else out there? Sorry that my rant ended up in weird places.
