[ENFJ] My ENFJ Boyfriend Is Surrounded By Cold Callous Family....Won't Take My INTJ Advice..

[INTJWoman]

I'm just going to throw this out there and see what comes back:

My ENFJ boyfriend of 6 months:

• background info: his parents both committed suicide when he was 17
• His 27 year old son tries to use him to get what he wants, and gets angry with him if he doesn't get it
• His 10 year old son (not from the same mother and doesn't live with him) is what I consider to be part human-part psychopath. He seems to have no feelings, blatantly uses his father to get what he wants and shows zero respect
• The mother of the part human-part psychopath child treats my bf like something belonging to the gutter

I've given him some sound, rational advice on how to handle these toxic people (kick these kids to the curb and move on), but he's too soft to do the things I suggest. It stirs great irritation & anger me when I witness this treatment of him and I've told him on more than one occasion that I am quite prepared to, and could very easily, walk away from him and all of the energy-consuming drama that seems to be his lot. Of course, he doesn't want me to walk away from him. He wants me to help him to be a strong person (quote, like you are, unquote).

So, I'm very interested to hear from other ENFJ's and gather some input as to what they would do in his shoes.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Yama]

I'm not a parent myself but I can understand why it might be hard to kick your own offspring to the curb even when they're treating you like shit. Instead of giving him the advice to cut them out, I'd help him learn how to assert and defend his own boundaries.

 

[geedoenfj]

I'm just going to throw this out there and see what comes back:

My ENFJ boyfriend of 6 months:

• background info: his parents both committed suicide when he was 17
• His 27 year old son tries to use him to get what he wants, and gets angry with him if he doesn't get it
• His 10 year old son (not from the same mother and doesn't live with him) is what I consider to be part human-part psychopath. He's seems to have no feelings, blatantly uses his father to get what he wants and shows zero respect
• The mother of the part human-part psychopath child treats my bf like something belonging to the gutter

I've given him some sound, rational advice on how to handle these toxic people (kick these kids to the curb and move on), but he's too soft to do the things I suggest. It stirs great irritation & anger me when I witness this treatment of him and I've told him on more than one occasion that I am quite prepared to, and could very easily, walk away from him and all of the energy-consuming drama that seems to be his lot. Of course, he doesn't want me to walk away from him. He wants me to help him to be a strong person (quote, like you are, unquote).

So, I'm very interested to hear from other ENFJ's and gather some input as to what they would do in his shoes.

Thanks in advance.

That must have been so hard on him, the suicide incedent I'm so sorry about that..
Are you sure he's ENFJ? Because I think ENFJ is very much capable of understanding people and know when they're using him and how to deal with it, I don't know if that horrible incident has anything to with how he behave towards his offspring..
I can understand why he is not listening to you, when someone is giving me such advice I would feel that they're trying to get themselves into my business which would bother me and makes me don't want to listen to them anymore, instead I think it's better to not talk about it unless he complains or opens up about it.. then try to show empathy (I know it's hard for INTJ to show that but it's essential, just give him a hug for as long as you can) then talk about it generally, don't be specific, things like "parents never stop worrying about their children right?and love them no matter how hard they get on them .." then after a while or after he speak further you can say (for example) " I understand what you're going through is not easy at all, but I will always be there for you no matter what" then leave it there, unless he openly asks for advice from you, then can give him an advice that is to protect his own boundaries, but also never talk about his sons in a negative way, just guide him to the way of protecting himself so he never be taken advantage of.. and that's what is important in this whole situation..

 

[SearchingforPeace]

This will not make sense to you but you can help him.

Many ENFJs grow up in bad environments, where they are not loved and validated. But ENFJs are so attuned to the emotions of others, they accommodate them and understand them, ignoring their needs and self. They are naturally predisposed to codependency.

So, for growth, an ENFJ needs to turn that empathy inward and start loving themself. They need to start valuing themself. They need to create boundaries and such. This is really, really hard, as we feel so connected to others we often can't separate our feelings and others.

What can you do?

1. Love and validate him. Lots of verbal and physical affection. More than you could normally find comfortable.

2. Do not try to tell him how to solve his problems.

3. He needs therapy but he needs to want to go. Codependency comes from a lack of self love.

4. Physical activity helps ground an ENFJ and get them in touch with themselves. Try to get him active. And something like Yoga could really help here.

5. Be patient. He can grow, but rarely do ENFJs get out of this pit without help.....try not to throw ultimatums about his family. Do try to get create boundaries.

 

[Pionart]

 

[Fidelia]

[MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION] might be a good person to talk to. She's an intj married to an enfj.

 

[Starry]

I'm just going to throw this out there and see what comes back:

My ENFJ boyfriend of 6 months:

• background info: his parents both committed suicide when he was 17
• His 27 year old son tries to use him to get what he wants, and gets angry with him if he doesn't get it
• His 10 year old son (not from the same mother and doesn't live with him) is what I consider to be part human-part psychopath. He seems to have no feelings, blatantly uses his father to get what he wants and shows zero respect
• The mother of the part human-part psychopath child treats my bf like something belonging to the gutter

I've given him some sound, rational advice on how to handle these toxic people (kick these kids to the curb and move on), but he's too soft to do the things I suggest. It stirs great irritation & anger me when I witness this treatment of him and I've told him on more than one occasion that I am quite prepared to, and could very easily, walk away from him and all of the energy-consuming drama that seems to be his lot. Of course, he doesn't want me to walk away from him. He wants me to help him to be a strong person (quote, like you are, unquote).

So, I'm very interested to hear from other ENFJ's and gather some input as to what they would do in his shoes.

Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry...but you don't get a refund on a 10 year old boy if you just don't feel like he's human enough for yah. Your ENFJ should be doing everything in his power to help this boy right now as he is still developing...not encouraged to abandon him or whoops I mean, "kick him to the curb". And no...I don't give a shit about the circumstances. He's fucking 10 years old.

 

[Fidelia]

The best way to help an nfj is to listen to them to bleed off excess emotion without adding a bunch of your own advice to the mix. They may ask for advice when they're ready, but not in earlier stages. Support is what they need more than anything.

Obviously your boyfriend is in the midst of a very hard situation, but I don't think that cutting the kids out of his life will either make the problem cease to exist or make him feel better about it. Considering your relationship is pretty recent, and you stand to gain the most by them not being around, it becomes easy for you to become the bad guy instead of him rationally making a life choice. Particularly since you are the only source of emotional support in his life that you've mentioned, it could feel like an ultimatum to pick between the kids or you.

As someone else said before, boundaries are more what he needs to develop. Avoidance is just the opposite side of the same coin - he's still in the position of just reacting.

I would have some concerns about dating someone who is looking to you as a role model rather than an equal, because it is easy to over idealize. The two people in the relationship are not on equal footing so it is hard to have a successful partnership.

My guess is that he has a lot of personal emotional processing to do (something enfjs sometimes just try to rationally push through rather than recognizing that their unprocessed emotions are affecting their decision making unconsciously). He's been through a lot. That's not to say that he's a bad partner, but if you are hoping for it to work out long term, he maybe needs some time alone before he's able to be an effective partner who can set boundaries and communicate effectively, both to you and to the people who will be part of your lives.

 

[Tilt]

Regardless of the situation, you sound too harsh for not being in the family situation. You have only been with him for 6 months and you are telling him to kick his family to the curb... I would be conflicted and offended by the strong suggestion...it would actually feel like an "overstepping of boundaries".

If anything, help build boundaries to keep distance from the drama and then if it's as bad as you say, the cutting off will eventually come with time.

 

[PeaceBaby]

I'm just going to throw this out there and see what comes back:

My ENFJ boyfriend of 6 months:

• background info: his parents both committed suicide when he was 17
• His 27 year old son tries to use him to get what he wants, and gets angry with him if he doesn't get it
• His 10 year old son (not from the same mother and doesn't live with him) is what I consider to be part human-part psychopath. He seems to have no feelings, blatantly uses his father to get what he wants and shows zero respect
• The mother of the part human-part psychopath child treats my bf like something belonging to the gutter

I've given him some sound, rational advice on how to handle these toxic people (kick these kids to the curb and move on), but he's too soft to do the things I suggest. It stirs great irritation & anger me when I witness this treatment of him and I've told him on more than one occasion that I am quite prepared to, and could very easily, walk away from him and all of the energy-consuming drama that seems to be his lot. Of course, he doesn't want me to walk away from him. He wants me to help him to be a strong person (quote, like you are, unquote).

What are you doing to be emotionally supportive here? In order to help him be a strong person, he needs the power of his emotions, not a detachment from them. What do you say to him when his emotions are on display?

 

[Starry]

I know there are multiple expressions of ENFJ I guess...but it would be fun/interesting for me to witness what would happen to the person for all eternity that dared tell my Mom or Nona to "kick" one of their children "to the curb".



***I want to say that if this dude is actually ENFJ he won't abandon his family and you are likely digging your own grave by telling him to do so. If he is truly ENFJ he may just be at an incredibly low point but he'll come back strong and quite possibly kick you to the curb instead.

 

[Fidelia]

Yeah, out of all the types you could have picked, enfjs are some of the very most loyal and dedicated to family.

While he clearly needs to set appropriate limits for how he is treated by them, his primary obligation is to the people he brought into the world. That's not a responsibility that just disappears as the kids turn 18 either. Particularly if the 10 year old's mother is as bad as you suggest she is, that kid needs his presence in his life.

The more stable and reliable your boyfriend is, the more the child can afford to lean on him and test him, in a way that is not possible with his mother if he is not assured of her love or stability. Your boyfriend also needs time to build a relationship with the kid if they dont live together full time.

 

[Fidelia]

One other thought I just had - I've learned over time to become more wary when people have all these toxic people in their life. Usually there is a reason they are either attracted to that or that they permit it. All behaviours, even negative ones have some kind of benefit or reward. If you have experienced tumult from an early age, peace can feel either dreadfully boring or rather menacing because you never know when the other shoe will drop, so often will create situations that disrupt peace to maintain control, even if it's unconsciously done.

Alternatively, sometimes it's hard to be the bad person who sets limits so it's easier to acquire a partner who will do it. However, it stunts personal growth and allows the person in question to play both sides, continue dealing with problems unconsciously, and avoid responsibility. This makes a partnership very difficult because you can't have the perks of being a child responsibility wise, with the benefits of being an adult and have an equal partnership.

In addition, it often puts the partner in the position initially of being an idealized saviour and rescuer, and then when they can't live up to an idealized vision, becoming the villain and being discarded for a new rescuer. Often when people talk about their exes as all having been bad people, it can mean that they needed more maturity as they were choosing and more conscious awareness of what drives their decisions, or it means that they are attracted to a familiar dynamic and are trying to rewrite the ending.

I realize things are never so cut and dried and even people in crisis have hugely attractive qualities. I'm just cautioning that six months is not a long time to determine what the actual situation is first hand, so take care for yourself and reserve judgement for awhile about the kid thing as well.

 

[Starry]

I need to stop coming to this thread because I can't believe in this many posts 21lux and I are the only two people (FiP too) that took issue with a 10 year old boy being called "half-human-half-psychopath" as if a 10 year old boy has the developmental awareness and sophistication to pathologically manipulate a grown man...a supposed ENFJ for that matter <-And suggested that he be thrown out like garbage. Why is no one taking issue with that?

This is the kind of shit that makes me feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.

 

[prplchknz]

I need to stop coming to this thread because I can't believe in this many posts 21lux and I are the only two people (FiP too) that took issue with a 10 year old boy being called "half-human-half-psychopath" as if a 10 year old boy has the developmental awareness and sophistication to pathologically manipulate a grown man...a supposed ENFJ for that matter <-And suggested that he be thrown out like garbage. Why is no one taking issue with that?

This is the kind of shit that makes me feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.

I have been, i just haven't responded to the thread. because i feel like the op is in the wrong because 6months is not long enough to decide something like this. and if someone said what she said about my child i be like bye. i don't have a child but no matter how much my family or close friends hurt me someone telling me to cut them out of my life after only knowing me for 6 months well they can leave. you don't abandon family or best friends that have gotten you through shit. sorry but no. if you do you abandon everyone because you plan on comitting suicide and want to severe all ties to hurt less people. I am not suicidal that's just always been the reason i've ever considered abandoning those close to me.

 

[Forever]

I need to stop coming to this thread because I can't believe in this many posts 21lux and I are the only two people (FiP too) that took issue with a 10 year old boy being called "half-human-half-psychopath" as if a 10 year old boy has the developmental awareness and sophistication to pathologically manipulate a grown man...a supposed ENFJ for that matter <-And suggested that he be thrown out like garbage. Why is no one taking issue with that?

This is the kind of shit that makes me feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.

Clickbait baby, clickbait.

 

[Starry]

I have been, i just haven't responded to the thread. because i feel like the op is in the wrong because 6months is not long enough to decide something like this. and if someone said what she said about my child i be like bye. i don't have a child but no matter how much my family or close friends hurt me someone telling me to cut them out of my life after only knowing me for 6 months well they can leave. you don't abandon family or best friends that have gotten you through shit. sorry but no. if you do you abandon everyone because you plan on comitting suicide and want to severe all ties to hurt less people. I am not suicidal that's just always been the reason i've ever considered abandoning those close to me.

I love you.
Seriously...I need to be reminded that people like you exist.

 

[Starry]

Clickbait baby, clickbait.

If I didn't like Rape Holess so well my new title would become Clickbait

 

[Tilt]

One other thought I just had - I've learned over time to become more wary when people have all these toxic people in their life. Usually there is a reason they are either attracted to that or that they permit it. All behaviours, even negative ones have some kind of benefit or reward. If you have experienced tumult from an early age, peace can feel either dreadfully boring or rather menacing because you never know when the other shoe will drop, so often will create situations that disrupt peace to maintain control, even if it's unconsciously done.

Alternatively, sometimes it's hard to be the bad person who sets limits so it's easier to acquire a partner who will do it. However, it stunts personal growth and allows the person in question to play both sides, continue dealing with problems unconsciously, and avoid responsibility. This makes a partnership very difficult because you can't have the perks of being a child responsibility wise, with the benefits of being an adult and have an equal partnership.

In addition, it often puts the partner in the position initially of being an idealized saviour and rescuer, and then when they can't live up to an idealized vision, becoming the villain and being discarded for a new rescuer. Often when people talk about their exes as all having been bad people, it can mean that they needed more maturity as they were choosing and more conscious awareness of what drives their decisions, or it means that they are attracted to a familiar dynamic and are trying to rewrite the ending.

I realize things are never so cut and dried and even people in crisis have hugely attractive qualities. I'm just cautioning that six months is not a long time to determine what the actual situation is first hand, so take care for yourself and reserve judgement for awhile about the kid thing as well.

My thought was, "why did he gravitate toward his ex?" Why did his children turn out less than pleasant?

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I need to stop coming to this thread because I can't believe in this many posts 21lux and I are the only two people (FiP too) that took issue with a 10 year old boy being called "half-human-half-psychopath" as if a 10 year old boy has the developmental awareness and sophistication to pathologically manipulate a grown man...a supposed ENFJ for that matter <-And suggested that he be thrown out like garbage. Why is no one taking issue with that?

This is the kind of shit that makes me feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.

OP didn't give examples of "psychpathology" but rest assured 10 year olds can exhibit these behavioral tendencies. Usually they come from adoptions from other countries where neglect is rampant and there is something called "reactive attachment disorder" (to be fair, the diagnosis is controversial).

But I know when I was a G.A.L. for the state, I heard of foster parents that had to lock their doors at night for fear their foster child would become violent. Attack them with a knife, etc.

I do realize this is extreme and rare behavior. It does occur though.

Still, the OP didn't give examples, so it could just be exaggerating the average misbehaving of a child. Still, not smart to throw it around without some examples.