[INFJ] People Pleaser

[Norrsken]

Do you people please a lot? To the point of not taking care of yourself sometimes?
Why or why not?

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

I'm a little bit of a people pleaser. Sometimes, I try to make everything perfect for everyone. I'll get caught up in a project and I focus so much on it that I neglect myself. This is only a periodic thing though. Recently, in the past few years, I've been doing less people-pleasing and more of taking care of things that I want. I only have this one life, so I'm doing more things for me, even though I'm aware and annoyed that it isn't what everyone else wants.

 

[Norrsken]

I'm a little bit of a people pleaser. Sometimes, I try to make everything perfect for everyone. I'll get caught up in a project and I focus so much on it that I neglect myself. This is only a periodic thing though. Recently, in the past few years, I've been doing less people-pleasing and more of taking care of things that I want. I only have this one life, so I'm doing more things for me, even though I'm aware and annoyed that it isn't what everyone else wants.

You are a kind soul. <3

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

You are a kind soul. <3

Shhh. I don't want too many people to know.

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

It is also hard to know what people want from me. That's another reason I do it less. I figure if others are going to be unhappy with me regardless, might as well make myself happy.

 

[prplchknz]

Shhh. I don't want too many people to know.

*lick*

 

[Lady Lazarus]

No. It's not "me".

 

[Merced]

I am such a people pleaser in a tangible sense. I am known to be overly generous and as good as I am with budgeting and finance, I always end up buying too many gifts for other people. I spent my entire first paycheck on coffee and meals for this one homeless dude near my job. (Big mistake, though. The day I told that stinking hobo I ran outta of money, he insulted me and walked away. What a prick!) My friends tend to hate going out with me when it comes to shopping because I am just that willing to pay for people.

I am also really physical with my friends, constantly crossing the line of 'should you be doing that?' to the point of 'probably not'. I am a huge hugger. And I snuggle up against my friends as often as possible. If I am really excited and carefree, I'll even hand out a peck or two. Though, I probably wouldn't try that with a newer friend. I just, I dunno, I love people! Why bother doing anything else than making folks happy and serving up smiles? The world is filled with so many people of all kinds! If I please them, then that pleases me.

I guess in the end, it never really works out for me though... But I'm sure karma will do its thing eventually. Preferably in one big burst. That'll be awesome!

 

[Fidelia]

I am people pleaser in some regards, although I do have boundaries. But I like making people happy, I like knowing my role in our interactions, and I don't like dealing with negative surprises. As a kid, it certainly mattered to me to please my teachers and as an adult, I like to please my boss as long as it doesn't violate my personal principles.

I think my biggest motivation to please people though is that I have a hard time separating their feelings from mine, so if they are happy, there's less stuff that I have to process, which takes a horribly long time and lots of effort for me, which I'd rather apply to other pursuits.

I don't mind dealing with peoples' unhappiness as long as I'm sure that I'm doing something for valid reasons, they are just taking other unhappiness out on me, or it's not a surprise and I've weighed the consequences and am prepared. It's the decisions in the moment and processing after something unexpected or that I'm unsure about that bothers me, rather than people pleasing just for the sake of avoiding confrontation.

 

[Jellyfish1234]

I'd say to some extent I'm a people pleaser. I'm not entirely sure of the primary reason for it, but I think it basically comes down to the fact that I'm happy when I know others are happy with me, so by pleasing others I am also pleasing myself, so I suppose it's a win-win situation most of the time.

I also sometimes have difficulty when it comes to pleasing others who I think view me negatively because of a disagreement we have. I feel like I need to 'make up' for disagreeing with them, in some cases at least. I've found that I often find it difficult to stop and tell myself that not everyone has to like me and agree with me, and I've recently found myself using a weird method to calm myself down: thinking of the fact that in movies, the villain or bad guy never likes the hero, so if I'm to be a good, rounded person I cannot expect people who have different perspectives than me to like me and agree with me all the time because then that would mean I'd be going against what is "good" from my perspective, and thinking about this usually helps me relax and not be so concerned with pleasing someone who I'm finding it difficult to please because of a disagreement.

I also read an article once about how maybe some 'people pleasers' are this way because of a deep, unconscious fear of being in danger from that person, so maybe that's a factor too somehow.

But yes, I do try to please others to a certain extent. If it becomes unhealthy or unsafe I think I know when to draw the line, although I haven't exactly had much experience with this thankfully.

 

[Forever]

I find the best type of people pleasing is just to be comfortable with yourself no matter where you are.

 

[Dreamer]

I notice I tend to people please more, or seek external affirmation, when I'm down in the dumps. For me, it's like the emotional equivalent to going on a shopping spree. Quick fix sure, but it's cheap pleasure in its finest. The gain doesn't last me a long time at all. When I see myself doing it these days I'm more conscious of it and ask myself, "Dreamer, why you no happy?".

 

[Norrsken]

I have tried pleasing people for as long as I could remember, stretching to a time period of when my heart, body, and mind was so young and as pure as driven snow. I remember needing to accommodate others, nearly forcing myself to be the shoulder they could cry on, for my arms to act as shelter from the storm, and the veins from my heart to provide them heat to survive. I remember almost shoving my advice and unwanted opinions down other people's throats, thinking I was the perfect hero or guardian angel, but I've since learned to cool it and just let people come to me for advice instead of me expecting them to open their souls to me before they are even ready to.

I think I just care too much.
Or I think that, if I don't do enough for others, I'll find myself all alone.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I would say that being a people pleaser and being scared to mess up is a big part of who I am. When I work on projects that are meant for other people, I put 100% effort into it. A lot of what I do, the thought of what other people will think of my work runs through my head. It stems from a place of fe and anxiety, wanting to win people's approval. Being somewhat perfectionistic in this area and not wanting to disappoint anyone.

I get pulled in many different directions because you can't please everyone. I have learned as I have gotten older that this is an impossible task if people want conflicting things. There are some people who can't be pleased. That only goes so far and there are certain personalities that I can't stand and I get to a begrudging degree. I am terrible at making decisions when I know that one decision will disappoint someone.

 

[tommyc]

Do you people please a lot? To the point of not taking care of yourself sometimes?
Why or why not?

Hmm yes and no. I really want to help people, my intentions are positive... But Im happy to state my opinion on things, unpopular as they may be. Also I wouldnt neglect my own needs for others. I feel like I can only bring happiness to others if Im happy first.

 

[Drapeaux]

I used to be, but as I've aged I've come to realize it's usually not worth the investment. Most people are happy to just take what they can get and move on.

 

[Earl Grey]

I thought I was, until I met actual people pleasers. I basically think of myself first a lot in a way that others may regard as selfish.


EDIT: Oops, this thread is for INFJs. Not INFJ, but here you go.

 

[Cellmold]

People pleasing is a dangerous game.

The problem is that there are a lot of unreasonable individuals out there who will simply take and take and never be satisfied. "Build me a golden tower"...."Now I want a bigger one"..."Now I want TWO!".

There often isn't much return on investment in it. Although it depends on the people.

If you can learn to recognise who is worth helping out in whatever form that takes (as opposed to pleasing since people don't always want what is best for themselves) then that is a better use of such a focus.

 

[neko 4]

No way, Jose. Only people who are important to me get my love and sympathy.