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[ENFJ] The mom of an ENFJ has a question for other ENFJs

INTJMom

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I need some help understanding my son so I can help him.

He's 22 years old, just got a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science, going back for his Masters, but he's living at home with me for the summer.

He says he suffers from "flare ups" of "anxiety" but he can't define what he is anxious about, or worried about, or afraid of.
To deal with this anxiety, he stays awake until 4 AM and he's "dead tired" so he won't "think" when he's going to sleep. He also "stress eats".
He's highly functioning because he finished college with a 3.8 gpa.
He says he's been like this for about 6 years - his dad passed away 7 years ago.

I have become concerned because a few days ago, he was all ready to go hiking for a couple of days and sleep out in the woods overnight, but when I got home from work, he was still here. He said his anxiety had flared up and he spent the last 8 hours in the living room chair.

I would like to understand this better so I could be more helpful when it happens again.

Do any of you suffer from this? Can you explain it to me? Do you have any advice that I could offer my son if he's open to listening?

Thanks in advance!

EDITED TO ADD: Do any of you have any "trick" that works for you as far as going to sleep without your mind going a million miles an hour and stressing you out?
I personally have a trick for keeping *my* mind turned off... I listen to an innocuous British sitcom on dvd in my room; thankfully I sleep alone, so I can do that. I practically have all 67 episodes memorized now (it's As Time Goes By, for the curious), but it helps keep my thoughts light so that I don't start obsessing. But my son didn't like that idea.
When he was young he used to read and I think I might suggest that, if I get a chance.
 
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SearchingforPeace

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Sounds like he is hitting the battle between Fe and inf Ti. At some point up to and around 25, ENFJs go through a quarter life crisis.

Inf Ti is awful. It is like a supervised depression. In order to get out, Se is his friend.

And because no type suppresses internal feelings more, he sounds like he never really dealt with his father’s death, and thus get anxiety.

Ultimately, he needs to spend time feeling those repressed inner feelings to find peace. Therapy could help....or how developing a spiritual practice of some type...

Just love him and validate him. Help him love himself....
 

INTJMom

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Thank you. I appreciate your insight.
 

Tilt

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I need some help understanding my son so I can help him.

He's 22 years old, just got a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science, going back for his Masters, but he's living at home with me for the summer.

He says he suffers from "flare ups" of "anxiety" but he can't define what he is anxious about, or worried about, or afraid of.
To deal with this anxiety, he stays awake until 4 AM and he's "dead tired" so he won't "think" when he's going to sleep. He also "stress eats".
He's highly functioning because he finished college with a 3.8 gpa.
He says he's been like this for about 6 years - his dad passed away 7 years ago.

I have become concerned because a few days ago, he was all ready to go hiking for a couple of days and sleep out in the woods overnight, but when I got home from work, he was still here. He said his anxiety had flared up and he spent the last 8 hours in the living room chair.

I would like to understand this better so I could be more helpful when it happens again.

Do any of you suffer from this? Can you explain it to me? Do you have any advice that I could offer my son if he's open to listening?

Thanks in advance!
Yes. I can totally relate. I even had the 3.8 GPA and similar horrible sleeping pattern. I suffered/still stuffer from severe anxiety but have gotten significantly better in the past year. What seemed to cause a lot of my issues, besides past trauma, was burying and suppressing my intense negative emotions until they bubbled over. I would guess he needs an outlet to express and acknowledge his emotions, even if it's just to himself. Sometimes therapy helps, but just allowing himself to feel his emotions in a constructive manner could be equally beneficial.

Also, maybe he could try to incorporate a routinely-scheduled physical activity such as the gym, running, hunting. I think the body sometimes needs to rid itself of excess energy to relieve some of the anxiety.
 

á´…eparted

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That sort of thing happens with me all the time- the "random" anxiety and stress. In my case, it was largely caused by Bipolar II disorder which I am now medicated for. Even so I still get those feelings now and then. It seems to be caused by experiencing something stressful, then dissociating from it mentally. It sort of comes back as a feeling with no thoughts attached, and it's very confusing.

Edit: the fact that he sat in a chair for 8 hours doing nothing is concerning to me, as that doesn't seem like a garden variety stress response. I would suggest he speaks to a psychologist, as at best he would be able to talk things out and develop management tools.
 

INTJMom

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Thank you.
He does work out but during the school year he didn't have as much time as he would have liked.
Do you know of any constructive outlet for expressing his emotion or un-burying the intense negative feelings?
 

Kheledon

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A 22-year-old? Is he dating someone or in a relationship? If not, I'd say he needs to get out more and find the love and companionship (plus an audience for his performances) that he needs.

That said, it seems unlikely to me that an ENFj would major in computer science in college, but stranger things have happened.
 

á´…eparted

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Thank you.
He does work out but during the school year he didn't have as much time as he would have liked.
Do you know of any constructive outlet for expressing his emotion or un-burying the intense negative feelings?

1. Socializing with friends
2. Being physically active. Either through working out, running, sports, etc.
3. Having constructive projects. Whether it be an art project, bulding project, etc. Something to focus on and create that is satisfying.
4. Planning out events that are fun. Plan to do something at least once a week (ideally with friends). Some regularity with this (such as a weekly meeting to go swimming), can also be helpful.

Again, I would strongly suggest he schedule an appointment with a psychologist in addition to the above. He will have to want to though. What you have said here is call for concern, and I think you are right to be concerned as well.
 

INTJMom

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Yeah, it worried me too.
He was on his laptop the whole time, either working (he telecommutes) or playing games.
He had awakened with a headache but he acknowledged that he should have gone hiking after it went away.

Thanks for confirming that you have "random" anxiety, too. I figured it was probably an ENFJ thing but I can't personally relate to it.
When I have stress or anxiety it's usually something I am presently worrying about.
Sometimes I don't realize I am worrying! It takes a gargantuan effort sometimes to figure out what is wrong.
 

INTJMom

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A 22-year-old? Is he dating someone or in a relationship? If not, I'd say he needs to get out more and find the love and companionship (plus an audience for his performances) that he needs.
Yes he does, but she was out of state for a few weeks.

That said, it seems unlikely to me that an ENFj would major in computer science in college, but stranger things have happened.
I know, right?! I don't get it either. It's like other people's feelings take TOO MUCH of a toll on him.
He loves writing code. It's logical and doesn't tax his emotional resources.
 

INTJMom

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1. Socializing with friends
2. Being physically active. Either through working out, running, sports, etc.
3. Having constructive projects. Whether it be an art project, bulding project, etc. Something to focus on and create that is satisfying.
4. Planning out events that are fun. Plan to do something at least once a week (ideally with friends). Some regularity with this (such as a weekly meeting to go swimming), can also be helpful.

Again, I would strongly suggest he schedule an appointment with a psychologist in addition to the above. He will have to want to though. What you have said here is call for concern, and I think you are right to be concerned as well.

I told him he could see a counselor if he wanted to.
Actually, his ISFJ girlfriend is a great listener and it's possible, now that she's back, that she can help him get his equilibrium back, at least in the short term.
I will offer the counseling again.
 

á´…eparted

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Yeah, it worried me too.
He was on his laptop the whole time, either working (he telecommutes) or playing games.
He had awakened with a headache but he acknowledged that he should have gone hiking after it went away.

Thanks for confirming that you have "random" anxiety, too. I figured it was probably an ENFJ thing but I can't personally relate to it.
When I have stress or anxiety it's usually something I am presently worrying about.
Sometimes I don't realize I am worrying! It takes a gargantuan effort sometimes to figure out what is wrong.

Oh ok the bold changes thing a bit then. The way you had worded it made it seem like he was simply sitting there stressed unable to do anything (that would sometimes happen to me and it was due to my mental ailments).

There also tends to be a post-college slump that happens for people. There is a lot of uncertainty at this time which can be really uncomfortable. Searching for jobs, planning to move out on your own, setting up loan payments. It's a limbo time where you don't feel like you can pull yourself up easily. It's going to be kinda painful, but he should be putting some focus every day (even if it's just an hour) into searching for the next step. Looking and applying for jobs, looking for housing etc., but it kinda has to be done without feeling the pressure of it needing to be solved at light speed.

Generally speaking, focusing on what you can do about stressful things helps, but for ENFJ's in particular it's very challenging to figure out what can be done, and being told what can be done often isn't heard.

Try encourage him to do things that help on the short term that aim to the long term. Meaning, do small enjoyable things to keep stress free, but also put in effort into things that will lead to a more fruitful and favorable environment. ENFJ's need structure, but if it's too rigid it feel constricting and trapping.
 

INTJMom

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...

Try encourage him to do things that help on the short term that aim to the long term. Meaning, do small enjoyable things to keep stress free, but also put in effort into things that will lead to a more fruitful and favorable environment. ENFJ's need structure, but if it's too rigid it feel constricting and trapping.
Thanks.

He's going hiking with a good friend tomorrow, so that's good.

He's going back to school for 2 more years for his Masters, so the long term is well-defined enough for now, I think,,, though I did suspect there was a bit of that emotional slump you described, right after he got home.
 

Kheledon

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Yes he does, but she was out of state for a few weeks.

That could be a major stressor for him that might cause a change in behavior. It almost certainly would be for me.

I know, right?! I don't get it either. It's like other people's feelings take TOO MUCH of a toll on him.
He loves writing code. It's logical and doesn't tax his emotional resources.

That very much sounds like an ENFj. Almost all of us need to isolate ourselves for periods of time that are longer than most extraverts require. We're performers, and performing is exhausting. In addition, ENFj is greatly distressed by instability in its interpersonal relationships (not to mention instability, generally). Given that he's between his undergraduate studies and graduate school, and given that he has been separated from his S.O. for a number of weeks, it's likely that he's under an abnormal amount of stress and, as a result, is displaying abnormal behavior.
 

INTJMom

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That could be a major stressor for him that might cause a change in behavior. It almost certainly would be for me.

That very much sounds like an ENFj. Almost all of us need to isolate ourselves for periods of time that are longer than most extraverts require. We're performers, and performing is exhausting. In addition, ENFj is greatly distressed by instability in its interpersonal relationships (not to mention instability, generally). Given that he's between his undergraduate studies and graduate school, and given that he has been separated from his S.O. for a number of weeks, it's likely that he's under an abnormal amount of stress and, as a result, is displaying abnormal behavior.
Well... It's good to know it's within the pale of "normal" for ENFJs. That makes me feel better.
 

Yama

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A doctor or therapist would be the best person for him to talk to about it. I can't diagnose anyone, but if it's something that extreme, he should talk to a professional to find out if he has an anxiety disorder.
 

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Best thing to do is to just get him to his family physician and then the doctor can connect your son with the appropriate specialist.
 

INTJMom

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Sounds like he is hitting the battle between Fe and inf Ti. At some point up to and around 25, ENFJs go through a quarter life crisis.

Inf Ti is awful. It is like a supervised depression. In order to get out, Se is his friend. ...

Just love him and validate him. Help him love himself....
Thanks for this.
Great advice. Just what I needed.
 
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