ENFP / ENTP
The Inspirer and the Visionary An Extraverted Relationship
Extraverted relationships tend to form around the objectives, values and external structures within the relationship space. Because these are defined by collective perception and agreement upon what appears as the world’s obvious and scarcely arguable realities, the nature of any extraverted relationship will depend very much upon how each person in the relationship thinks and feels about these things. The external world can be experienced and valued in many differing ways, and this means that each personality type will bring a different set of perceptions and behaviors into a relationship. These will sometimes automatically complement the way other Extraverted types see things, bringing an unusual breadth of perception to any situation, but sometimes they will antagonize those of another type, creating argument and disruption within any ongoing relationship, whether in the workplace, the family or between the sexes. Where such strongly positive or negative effects arise, they usually occur between those whose dominant extraverted functions are heavily expressed and insufficiently balanced by any strong inner awareness. Most of the time, however, the interplay between the dominant and the secondary functions of each participant stabilizes the relationship, enabling its ongoing development and allowing the most conscious value to flow from those within it.
ENFP/ENTP Relationship Dynamics
While ENTP gender distribution is almost equal, ENFP is strongly weighted towards females. So, out of the possible partnerships here we could expect more female associations and a higher proportion of relationships between ENTP males and ENFP females.
Here, the functional opposition between secondary introverted thinking and feeling means differences will tend to be more personal and there will be some contrast between the way they effect same sex and cross gender relationships. Thinking/feeling differences tend to be compensated by sexual attraction in the early stages of a cross gender relationship, but they can be amplified between associates of the same sex. While functional difficulties in cross gender
relationships will usually build over time, their effects will be easily mitigated with increasing understanding and agreement.
With extraverted intuition as their strong suite, this pair will be keenly focused on real world possibilities, both present and future. Just what area of life their focus falls upon naturally will depend on each person’s interests and experiences, but both ENTP and ENFP can easily move from one thing to another if the pull of the possible exists. This can be both a blessing and a curse, for the attraction of “what might be†can easily turn us away from the things which need our attention, and also from those which might bring great satisfaction, but only mature with time and diligence.
This is where the darker side of this relationship rears its head, as strong extraverted intuition can cast a deep shadow over the immediacy and personal enjoyment of “now†and its purely sensory experiences. For both the ENTP and the ENFP, just “what is†often lacks the life they desire. Put them together in a co-operative relationship where each supports the other’s drives and needs and just “what is†becomes a mere background scene, something scarcely to be considered in their search for new mountain to climb. Find a strongly expressing couple like this who have been together for a while, and you will discover they have left quite a trail behind them; jobs, houses, towns, each one representing the base camp of yet another climb toward something “better†or more fulfilling.
Where completely devoted to their causes and drives, this couple exhibit an extreme talent for “adjusting†things in their outer life to suit their own needs and direction; a talent which can be quite insidious for its ability to exchange commonly perceived values for those which specifically promote their own cause. While, perhaps in the more mundane parts of life, the results of this couple’s combined talents can have negative consequences, they only reflect an attitude which, if otherwise unconstrained by difficulty, can generate very positive outcomes – both for the partners themselves, and for the wider community.
But bringing ideas to life requires not only the ability to press forward and never lose sight of the result demanded, but also the scaffolding and slow but certain building of the structure which is the idea’s worldly completion. Lack of commitment to this more tedious part of life can be why this relationship often finds itself facing a crossroads. For, left only to themselves, this couple can have difficulty with such real world structuring. And when a grand dream of the future begins to flag under its own weight, it can start to feel like a millstone around one’s neck. It then becomes an easy choice to leave the weight by the roadside and head off in some new and more exciting direction.
This couple need the support of “doersâ€; people able to actualize the potentials generated by their forward driven ideas. With such support, these two partners can bring great things into their world.
By far the most important conditions which will sustain and enliven a successful relationship between these two types are freedom and space. Here, freedom means the financial, physical and emotional liberty to be able to follow one’s dreams, and the space, both physical and cultural, to bring them into reality. Following ones dreams, or living up to the possibilities of the future does not mean that everything – or even anything – we wish to achieve must necessarily be of some worldly significance. It is enough if the ENTP or the ENFP feel they are moving in the right direction and achieving their dreams within the scope of their own lives. But no matter how insignificant our dreams and ideals might seem to others, achieving them still requires the freedom and space in which they can be fulfilled. And gaining this freedom and space is often the very tide against which this couple find they are always pushing.
Pressures of the moment and the demands of day to day survival in the mundane world often force us to use our personal skills in ways we find less than satisfying, even if we do use them to great advantage.
The ENTP company sales rep. whose talent has brought him respect and material success, still finds he has a gap in his life. Fulfilling the dreams of others by proxy has left him without the freedom and space to fulfill his own. Thus, while he takes with satisfaction the kudos and the money for his skillful work, his eye still remains on the main chance, the one thing that will break his bonds and allow him to escape into his “real†future.
The ENFP is always a light in the darker world around them, but if trapped in a space and time which simply absorbs their light without any positive reflection, they can become uneasy, listless and troubled by a growing need for something important; something to bring meaning back into their lives.
As a couple, these two can reinforce each other’s drives to the point where it seems they were made for each other; that they couldn’t have “done it†without each other being there. But a relationship needs to function across a far wider range of life and its daily demands than just to enable our primary needs and attitudes. Just how well these two can create a working partnership that can safely sail over all of life’s troubled waters is another thing entirely.
Making it Work
Between partners with well developed secondary skills and strong self awareness, most of the difficulties which arise from a single perceptive focus will be avoided. However, even working at their best, neither secondary thinking nor feeling can truly mitigate all the effects of this relationship’s shadow. You can decorate the dining room, you can set the table with exquisite taste, you can prepare a list of wonderful guests and send out gold invitations. But if there is no food, and no kitchen, that dinner party just isn’t going to happen.
That’s how it is with one sided relationships. The bit that’s missing is not just not there; the effect of its being not there can also have a massive impact upon everything else that is there. Overcoming the difficulties this problem creates is quite a process. First you have to be aware enough to realize why it is a problem and where it’s coming from, then you have to discover and understand the ways in which you can do something about it.
Why is this so important? Because, particularly where the partners are strongly focused, this relationship can easily drive itself beyond what can be sustained by circumstances. Like Icarus, it can fly high and fast, but it can fly beyond any hope of a soft landing. “Crash and burn†then becomes the only possible outcome.
The ENTP and the ENFP both know they don’t do very well at routine life. They tend to avoid the customary, the mundane and run of the mill tasks, mostly because they see no advantage in them. When stuck with doing them they feel they are losing time, wasting their lives on things that either do not take their ideas forward or offer no meaning. They might know perfectly well that such things have to be done, but they would much prefer to see them done by others.
So the most important thing these two can do before they set out on the road to anywhere is to ensure that everything else in their lives is solidly supported, organized and in a condition to move with them. The rest of the world cannot jump in intuitive leaps toward a goal. It must coerced and carefully molded into the shape needed to contain the new. This means that strong lines of communication must exist between this couple and those who will be needed to implement and maintain the support structure they need. And we are not talking
about great, world shattering events here. Just taking a weekend holiday or creating a new garden in the backyard will easily illustrate this point.
Both partners here use their secondary function as a way of rationalizing what is happening to them, i.e. how events in the world outside and the consequences of decisions affect them personally. When used only to support a strong intuitive vision, both thinking and feeling can work in blinkers, concentrating only upon the focused possibilities and leaving aside all that ought to be taken into consideration from other angles. One of the most disturbing, and yet one of the greatest things about this attitude is that it scarcely notices negative possibilities when something truly valuable takes its fancy. Unfortunately the world doesn’t always put stepping stones in just the right places for us. When it does, great things happen – when it doesn’t, well… another one bites the dust.
In a cross gender relationship, the differences between the ENTP thinking and the ENFP feeling approach to a world perceived through extraverted intuition will become more apparent as time goes on. This will be particularly so where things haven’t quite worked out the way they should have.
In general terms, the ENTP is an ideas machine. They see possibilities in things, possibilities reflecting usefulness through adjustment, change, or re- structuring on a logical basis which will bring a more satisfactory result. Just what this satisfaction might be will depend on the person. It could be anything from gaining more profit in business to getting elected president – it doesn’t matter, what matters is the vision and the logic of its potential structure.
In these same general terms, the ENFP is a meaning machine. Meaning in this sense are those positive values hiding within the potentials of the everyday world. An object will always be what it is, but because of their ability to define its positive possibilities, the ENFP will see “meaning†hidden within the object. It may never be anything but what it is, but it will represent something of greater value – something which can be aspired to, something which ever leads forward or upward. The ENFP sees these qualities in people too, and with the ability to communicate comes the possibility of the enhancement and validation of the values they see.
So, while it is quite possible for both these people to be strongly focused upon a single course of action, the reasons for this focus will be quite different and outcomes will be measured and valued accordingly. Let’s say the ENTP has a great idea. In evaluating this idea the ENFP sees a particular meaning and worth within its possible outcome. Initially then, both partners are positive and committed to pursuing the goal, but as it becomes clear to each that the other’s
reasons and decisions relate to a quite different focus on the value of the goal’s achievement, doubts and differences can make any possible outcome unclear.
What becomes obvious is that both partners need to focus upon enabling each other’s values within any decision making process. If a single, real world outcome can serve both as a goal, then it is not hard to realize its potential for either person simply by each committing to the other’s needs. Win/win situations are not hard to develop between these two, it merely requires the personal or “selfish†focus not to overwhelm the actual process of achievement. Because this requires both partners to operate in a way quite distinct from their natural bent when alone, it means they must create a “real relationship†to be able to achieve things together.
Nevertheless, there is still the shadow to deal with. We all leave one part or another of the world to itself, and for these two it is the world of sensation. (This doesn’t mean “sensing†in its bodily, visceral sense – we are all capable of that.) The world of Sensation is the world of here and now “realityâ€, the reality created by the senses, the “commonsense†world where everything is assessed by its look, its feel, its immediate condition and its association with everything else around it. The world of sensation is also the world of structure; of tools and materials and their uses. And it is this world which the perceptions of Intuition use only as a source of inspiration; a jumping off point for the potential it sees. Intuition doesn’t see things “as they are†but as they “might be†– and could be, if things were just organized the right way.
And here be the problem, for organization in this sense means structuring the world into a realization of our ideas, or at least creating a platform for them. Neither the ENTP or the ENFP truly understand the nature and immediacy of structure. They use it, but find its creation both tedious and of little interest. Not only this, but where it is required, both tend to see each other’s focus as a reason to offset their own lack of attention to it. To feeling, the organizational logic of thinking obviously reflects an interest and capability with structure, so “why didn’t “you†do it?†To thinking, the critical valuing of feeling obviously represents a dedication to how things “ought to beâ€, so “why didn’t you do it?â€
The fact is, that if it is going to be done right, then neither ought to do it, but to leave structural and material matters to those most capable of efficiently dealing with them. This means organizing things the right way, and, while it is true that both the ENTP and the ENFP will have already learned over the course of their lives how to deal in this way with the more tedious aspects of things, their coming together in a relationship can put the process off side. A strong, combined focus on the future can place the present into a deeper
shadow than is normal for either of these types. It can also create a focus on bigger prospects than would normally be workable in the everyday realities of either person, making the need for underpinning work all the more invisible, yet all the more imperative.
The direct and personal “here and now†world of these partners will be the one which offers the most obvious clues to the effects of the relationship shadow. On the one hand, both will tend to ignore or dismiss any or all of each other’s inattention to the realities of the moment, finding it much easier to flow with each other’s interests than to mire conversation or activity down in something neither finds attractive. On the other hand though, such continuing inattention leads to a situation where large areas of potential personal relationship are never shared. The “hard bits†get left out, glossed over or swept under the rug.
This can result in a relationship which has a dangerous area of brittleness. The problem only increases as both partners come to recognize its presence between them and make ever more conscious efforts to steer clear of it. What they increasingly find though is that this ignored area of relationship has its own way of intruding ever more strongly into daily life. Soon enough, it has become the veritable “elephant in the roomâ€. By this time, one or even both partners can have set in motion a process to personally mitigate the effects of the problem for them, a process which, more often than not, is completely private and has the potential to lead that person out of the relationship altogether.
What both partners here need to recognize is that their thinking and feeling processes are essentially personal, and that while both use these rational functions to deal with the world, such dealing is normally in concert with their intuitive take on things outside themselves. When it comes to purely personal thoughts and feelings the difference can be quite marked; the private thinking of the ENTP matching the private feeling of the ENFP in its careful selectiveness of what will and will not be shared. This is not a deliberate process, but a natural result of these rational functions being essentially tied to the outer world through the activity of a strong perceptive function. All else is neither here nor there – it is “just personalâ€. But without a true connection between these introverted senses of self, these partners condemn themselves to a relationship that only works on the outside; only fires when “something is happeningâ€. Their purely personal space becomes an area which lacks potential and meaning, as neither comes to recognize that vast and extraordinary space which is each other’s human self.
Right from the outset, both these partners need to set aside excitement for exploration. They need to explore each other’s personal side, they need to
understand each other as people, with all the knotty problems, private fears and insecurities that go with being limited human beings. They need to discover within each other a world of connection which does not rely upon cues and incitements from the outer world. They need to find the personal power and honesty to be able to say “well personally, I do think (or feel) more about this…†Time to stop and consider is essential for everyone, but for the extravert it is essential for this consideration to be about themselves and their own take, their own true inner needs. Sharing this personal reality is the only way to create a relationship which can truly withstand the difficulties life throws at us.
The Key
It may be impossible to ever come to a real agreement with those things we really don’t enjoy, but there are always impersonal ways of dealing with them. We can, however, find sensible refuge and agreement about how to deal with our limitations in the private thoughts of another, whose take may be different but who struggles in their own way with the same difficulties. We may even reach a point were we say: “neither of us are going to enjoy this and neither of us want to do this… but let’s get it done and over, together.†The more often this happens, the more life will take on a shared power for achievement which mere adverse circumstances cannot break.
