[INFJ] Infjs and energy conservation

[21%]

I find that one new piece of information can make a whole situation look differently to me. This might appear fickle for something that was a big deal suddenly not be or something we acted fine about to suddenly be the end of the world, but we really struggle with knowing what stuff to see as valid concerns or boundary crossing and what stuff might just be a passing feeling. Once Ni picks up on a reoccurring pattern though, which takes time to do, then it can figure out motive. That's why infjs may appear to be kind of codependent or put up with stuff they shouldn't. It's not that they are unaware, but they haven't decided the underlying reason and it's also hard for them to choose which things to make a big deal out of until they see the big picture, almost like pointillism. One for isn't that meaningful, but together they offer meaningful information. But to the outside onlooker it just seems capricious or overly picky. When we finally do see the final picture though, it may be that we've been invalidating our own uneasy or negative feelings till we can prove to other people that it is reasonable. In the process we end up looking more unreasonable!

I can't express how much I identify with this. This makes perfect sense.

 

[ktk1995]

"Over accommodating, not out of naivety or wimpiness, but because it's easier to manage myself rather than deal with other people's negative emotions or behaviors."

This stuck with me. I have recently noticed how much I do this. I will drown myself in things that exhaust me before I will say or do something to make someone else feel bad/rejected/ignored,etc. because I do not want them to experience negative emotions or behaviors..but also because I do not want the consequences of those negative emotions or behaviors. For example, it is so hard for me to say no. If someone asks to do something with me, like go out for dinner, and I do not have time, I will often make time and be overwhelmed. However, when I finally say no (which is very hard for me) because I simply cannot, I get negative backlash as if I have rejected them. I feel your pain.

 

[Fidelia]

I've been making some changes in that way over the last few years and am surprised every time that being more honest about my own needs or preferences has resulted in much higher quality connections to people and that it has calibrated their expectations in good ways. Nobody like change, even good change, and so some of the backlash is them being disappointed when the rules have changed, or them just being people that need to be out of your life and your accommodations have allowed them to comfortably remain.

A long time ago, I started targeting a niche market of violin students that I wanted to teach rather than just accepting anyone. I found by raising the bar in that way and also narrowing my focus to people that shared the same vision as I had, I immediately reduced a lot of the frustrations I was encountering with people having ridiculous expectations, not paying on time, or not respecting my time. Since then, I still have had to learn over a long period of time that by having a clearly vision of what I want out of the relationship and conveying that directly and maintaining my boundaries, people who do not fit will move on and those that remain add to my emotional energy instead of sapping it.

I also have realized that because I have focussed so heavily on manipulating the outcomes so that I don't feel frustrated or upset (by overaccommodating) or so that I am not surprised emotionally by someone's reaction to something, my muscles for thinking on my feet or knowing how I felt in the moment atrophied horribly. I didn't know what I could expect from other people if I was myself unvarnished, and so it became a more scary prospect to take the chance of doing it. Every time I have now though, I am surprised at how frequently people actually treat me MORE thoughtfully, or even kind of appreciate knowing where their boundaries are. I no longer mentally weigh what I've done to accommodate them with how they have responded to me. I am trying hard only to give what I can do with a joyful heart, regardless of the response, which allows them not to feel manipulated by me (even if it wasn't consciously that I was doing it) and me not to feel or be taken advantage of or devalued. As an added bonus, the time lag in knowing my own feelings (or at least the extent of them) that I thought was an inherent part of being an INFJ is diminishing. That is incredibly freeing.


I don't have it cased by any means, but I am pretty excited to realize that a lot of what has weighed me down emotionally (nothing big but just death by a thousand tiny cuts/accommodations) doesn't need to happen. I also have seen a pattern throughout my life of emotionally inexpressive people or domineering people being attracted to me. Initially I was flattered, as they were intelligent, discriminating and normally not super open people who were telling me things they had never told anyone else etc. However, over time, people revert back to their habitual selves. I realized that my openness in listening and my accommodation and expectation that I shouldn't need to ask for someone to be reciprocally interested in my world was allowing me to perpetually be drawn into an odd sort of power imbalance of friendships or relationships where I was getting less out of it than they were. It's not that I'm saintly by any stretch, and I started to understand that since this was a reoccurring dynamic, I must be doing something that was allowing it to occur. As I'm changing my way of interacting, I think those factors are changing as well.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

My energy is a weird thing. I am extremely on the introversion spectrum and people drain me. However, if I do get to know you, I can be a highly energetic person and all over the place. I've been told that I act like a completely different person depending on who I interact with. It's not being "phony" I had thinking myself as a fake or someone free of identity but I suppose it's the fe absorbing the energy. This is a side of myself I am selective of showing others or at least, IRL.

Once I have found my niche within a certain group, I don't want to leave the group but I am reluctant to approach groups of people who I don't know. Some people see me as an extremely energetic person and others view me as quite the opposite. People have assumed I was "tired" when that was not the case. I am more or less avoidant of conflict but do hold grudges.

 

[Earl Grey]

I am not sure how it applies spefically to INFJ (the type as a whole), but what OP said aligns with I--J in general. To elaborate: to my understanding, I/E is about level of energy/activity (and the need/receptiveness to it). Fe alone as a function does not necessarily relate to it, for example a Fe-dom (I use this as an example because it determines how you directly relate to the outside world, as opposed to Ni) could be the opposite of everything OP described, as well maybe some of the more social, maybe 7-ish (or even E2, albeit for different reasons) INFJs.

Energy-conserving seems more of E5 (or even E9 what with not being aware of own needs/feelings. Or maybe that is Fe in general, but I am not sure) and/or the self-preservation, who fears not having enough and thus the hoarding stereotype. They are a withdrawing type, so they minimize and pull back in order to 'fulfill' their needs, inversely to assertive / ID types who 'go out there' to fulfill their needs. Couple that with Introversion (lower need of simulation) and you have a very 'conserving' strategy to go about life. However, generally speaking, the way OP goes about it and why also ties largely into strong Introversion in general.

I would attribute it to that / add that as reasoning than just to INFJ (as a whole), because it is not necessarily a defining trait of what makes INFJ, INFJ.