[ENFJ] Male ENFJ advice

[earthling*]

I need an external perspective on this situation because I can't stop thinking about it and trying to resolve it in my head. I'm a female INFJ and I have this male friend who I have known since high school and I'm 90% sure he is an ENFJ. Here is the situation:

We were just friends in high school and were both quite involved in a club, which is how we met. I never thought of him romantically then but I knew a couple of my friends had crushes on him but it never went anywhere. For as long as I've known him (6 years) he has always been very friendly and charismatic with many female friends but never a girlfriend. We both went on to study the same thing at the same university.

One day about a year ago I was walking down the hall to my next class when I saw him studying. We hadn't spoken for several months at this point. I went up to talk to him and something changed inside me. I suddenly saw him differently in a romantic way. I invited him to a documentary screening I was hosting on my birthday and he came. He actually arrived early to help me set up.

A few months later we started winter semester and found out that we had a couple classes together. On the first day I walked into one of them, which was smaller, and I noticed him sitting and talking with a girl who was a stranger to me. I felt shy as usual so I sat near the front by myself. The next class however he came and sat next to me (I don't know what happened with the other girl) and continued to do so on his own accord for the rest of the semester. The same thing happened in lab every week as well. At this point we never texted or hung out outside of school.

I remember one day about a month into the semester I was in the cafeteria meeting my best friend and her boyfriend for lunch when he came out of nowhere and asked to eat with us. I was surprised as well at how quiet he was during lunch because he is an extrovert always surrounded by other people.

Occasionally I would text him about homework and on a few instances he did the same, however he would always wait at least 24-48 hours to respond! A few times throughout the semester we would have lunch together and usually it was just us as his other friends were never there. I caught myself staring into his eyes a lot and he never broke it even after several seconds. After our midterm one night he offered to drive me home. I had to defer because my ride was already there. I even asked him to study with me for our final exam and again it was just us and again he offered to drive me home. That time I accepted and we talked about travel at first before he started asking me about really personal health stuff as I was dealing with a chronic illness. He also told me about his journey with a different chronic illness.

After our final exam I texted him and we talked for a while. He told me about his summer job and about his plans for studying abroad the coming year.

We didn't see each other for 8 months before I texted him after Christmas to catch up and hear about his adventures. However in the meantime he had been liking quite a few of my social media photos, particularly selfies, which was very uncharacteristic of him (I know he often checks social media but rarely posts or likes/comments, particularly on female mutual friends posts). Again he waited a week before he got back to me and we planned to meet up the next day at a coffee shop.

It was like no time had passed between us as I felt immediately at ease. The eye contact happened and the conversation flowed pretty easily. He even initiated a hug when he arrived and asked for one as we walked to our cars afterwards as well. He also said we should meet up when he gets back in the summer to catch up again. The next day he left to study abroad halfway around the world.

Now in present time, I found this article in my inbox the other day about a natural remedy scientifically proven to help with the condition he told me he had. I immediately thought of him and so I sent him the link in a private Facebook message. This was 5 days ago and I know he saw it the moment I sent it but he has yet to respond.

So basically I have this big crush on my ENFJ guy friend and I don't know if he feels the same way. He rarely initiates texts or hangouts so I feel our friendship is one-sided. A part of me still has hope for us, but I don't want to embarrass myself and pine for someone who doesn't care about me. Any insight or advice from other ENFJs?

 

[SearchingforPeace]

ENFJs struggle to know what they want. Except in my brief "wannabe ESTP" phase at 18, all my romantic interests pursued me. I approached girls at random and showed just a hair of interest and they were all over me in minutes. While it was fun for awhile, it felt very wrong inside. I just couldn't do it anymore. And while I still get hit on regularly 28 years later, I am extremely cautious at even the least bit of flirting, because women get the wrong idea.

Kheledon talks about in socionics, ENFJs are victims in romance, not pursuers. Pretty true.

If you like him, let him know.

With my wife, we had a bit of a dance at first. She was immediately attracted to me, but was not at an emotional place to date, having just been dumped by her fiancee. Her first words upon meeting me were, "I do not date." I did not take that as a challenge but accepted her statement. There were other people I was more attracted to at the time anyway. We became friends, spending a lot of time together, but she started pursuing me......

So, I would suggest letting him know. He more than likely likes you. I never spent time with girls I didn't see as potential girl friends..... but I didn't pursue as much as I should have......

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Aren't NFJs said to enjoy being the mice in romantic games of cat and mouse? Perhaps that's why they pair up well with STPs, who are more likely to enjoy the hunt from the hunter's position.

I had a bunch of SFP cats pounce my mouse....

So, yes, NFJs tend to be caught by more aggressive types.....

 

[á´…eparted]

Aren't NFJs said to enjoy being the mice in romantic games of cat and mouse? Perhaps that's why they pair up well with STPs, who are more likely to enjoy the hunt from the hunter's position.

It's a stereotype, and independent of type.

Personally, I HATE it. It's a bunch of bullshit. I'd much rather it's be short sweet and to the point. You like me? I like you? Cool, let's make this a thing.

 

[ceecee]

Any insight or advice from other ENFJs?

I'm married to one so I feel pretty confident saying this - If you don't go get him, someone else will. This is not complicated, you don't have to explain in long paragraphs. He already knows.

 

[earthling*]

I'm married to one so I feel pretty confident saying this - If you don't go get him, someone else will. This is not complicated, you don't have to explain in long paragraphs. He already knows.

Thank you SearchingforPeace and ceecee, you gave me the push I needed. I think I'll tell him how I feel when he comes home in a month.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Thank you SearchingforPeace and ceecee, you gave me the push I needed. I think I'll tell him how I feel when he comes home in a month.

Words are nice. Giving a big hug when you see him is really good. A little physical goes a long way..... the first time I held my wife's hand was amazingly intimate and sensual......

 

[Lia_kat]

I'm married to one so I feel pretty confident saying this - If you don't go get him, someone else will. This is not complicated, you don't have to explain in long paragraphs. He already knows.

100% agreed. I'm married to one as well.

Good luck! @earthling