[ENFJ] ENFJs and validation (?)

[Annaifiwas]

Female ENTJ here, and I think my rock of a heart just broke...

I have been discussing with an ENFJ coworker and previous professor of mine about a new student whom will start at our school the upcoming fall. The student hasn't been able to choose whether she'd like to study German or French, and has therefore consulted with me.
I, as a Francophile, do of course encourage this student to pick French, whereas the mother (father is not in the picture) would like her to go with German. The girl is a quarter German. One-on-one, she told me she'd might pick German simply because of her heritage and because she found the words a tad easier to understand. However, she'd like to take French lessons because she loves the language and the country. So my encouraging her to choose French isn't all that manipulative in my eyes. Hehe
The family consults with me whenever there is something they wonder about. The girl has Asperger's, so we are just trying to make the transition as smooth as possible, and therefore I'll tutor her after school and help her with whatever subject she may need.

Now, I told my coworker (fellow Francophile whom teaches French, and I had her when I went to the same school earlier. She's just 13 years older though) about this issue, and she replied with: "Another good argument is that she will get good help from you, and probably me, as her teacher! Not completely sure about the part with me as her teacher though, but I'll check it out tomorrow! If you were pleased with me, of course...
Another argument is that France is a far more interesting country to visit than Germany, although I am being rather subjective in that assessment!"

Aww, did you guys see that? "If you were pleased with me, of course..." Three dots that is!
Now, I might be overanalyzing this, but is there a hidden subtext in that sentence?

We have, let's say, a complicated past. I won't go too far into it, but even when I was her student (which is years back!), we had some very emotional arguments and discussions, for her AND for me. The last four/five months of me being her student, though, she took care of me like no one else ever had, and was just so kind.
She started acting like that again a few months after I started working here, and at times I find her looking at me melancholically, like she's almost sad.
Back to my real question...
Is "If you were pleased with me, of course..." some kind of request for validation? Assuming there is one, what is the subtext?
How are ENFJs when it comes to needing validation?
To be frank, I care about her (my coworker). She's lovely and so kind, but...
Ah... What should I do (about the "If you were pleased with me, of course)?

 

[IndigoViolet11]

I am not enfj but when choices arise, emotional as it gets, there are choices in the world that is not entirely up to us to decide, especially when we lean our feelings onto people and truly worry about them. It seems both your teacher, yourself and the student, no choice is ideal to all three of you. I do not know the whole situation. While we might wish to pursue our interest as well, and probably wanting others to do so too, it sometimes aint that possible. And you as a consulton can only see how it goes. I do not suggest myself head on with her parents in the choice of the student though. Let the student decide (or if you talking to her already), and see how it goes.

 

[Taratango]

In my experience, my ENFJ partner doesn't seem to care at all what the world thinks of him... he cares what others think even less than me, which is saying something.
But when it comes to me specifically, I've noticed he needs validation from me (both verbal and physical).
At the beginning of our relationship, he often took my lack of affectionate words and touches as a reflection of how much I didn't like him. If I didn't match his level of affection (which is VERY affectionate, at least for an INTP haha), it would lead him to feel neglected, unloved and rejected.
And he would be really sad and depressed until I reassured him and invalidated his worries.
It's a little different now though, because now we both understand how each of us expresses affection and takes affection. He isn't that needy at all now, but it still really, really makes him happy (like, eyes sparkle happy...) to receive words and touches of affection from me.

I don't always give the best advice, but if I were you... I just tell her the truth, I'd validate her if I feel like she deserves that validation.
I wouldn't read too much into it though, she could just be trying to be humble. Obviously, I'm not in your situation and I don't know all the details, so ultimately you would know best with what to make of it and what to do.

 

[Lia_kat]

I think she knows you have certain standards and genuinely cares. Your opinion matters to her, she is considerate and is aware of how important this is to you. I don't think ENFJs need validation, all of the ones I've met (including my husband) are very confident. However, as [MENTION=28118]Taratango[/MENTION] said, they do love affection -verbally and physically- from those they love.

You should talk to her if this is troubling you though. Be honest. Or maybe just show her, through actions and words, how much you value her knowledge and kindness? If you have not done so already...

 

[ceecee]

How are ENFJs when it comes to needing validation?
Ah... What should I do (about the "If you were pleased with me, of course)?

Ok first, I think it greatly depends on the relationship. My ENFJ is going to care far less about the random person's opinion vs my opinion or others close to him. Problems arise when a) ENFJ's don't verbalize and either expect others to just know what they need or b) direct frustration at other people that have no bearing on the situation. Both of these options are totally unproductive but getting them to say they need validation is like pulling teeth (even if it's rare). Over time I have learned when this validation is required but I still have to say - not a mindreader over here! I'm happy to do it but I get irritated because the process is made needlessly complicated.

The "if you were pleased with me, of course..." likely is a big VALIDATION sign that you should probably acknowledge but you have to be a little careful how you frame it. It puts the onus on you, not the ENFJ. See how that works? You can say "of course" but, that may not be enough. You may need to expand on how and why you are pleased so, be prepared. It really depends on the individual ENFJ.

 

[Tilt]

Just be kind and direct. "I do trust you but have you considered X and Y? What do you think about it?" Then listen and address concerns while getting your point across. The main issue isn't usually about validation, persay. ENFJs, for the most part, want to their perspective to be understood and heard... if they feel dismissed or misconstrued, they will tend to put up their defenses. Besides the whole "affection" thing, if an ENFJ seems "validation-seeking", they probably feel dismissed or misconstrued. Fe, after all, is externally-based... feedback (people, books, google, etc.) is how we tend to define and frame our understanding of things.

 

[Tilt]

Just be kind and direct. "I do trust you but have you considered X and Y? What do you think about it?" Then listen and address concerns while getting your point across. The main issue isn't usually about validation, persay. ENFJs, for the most part, want to their perspective to be understood and heard... if they feel dismissed or misconstrued, they will tend to put up their defenses. Fe, after all, is externally-based... feedback (people, books, google, etc.) is how we tend to define and frame our understanding of things. Information isn't static so that's why we regularly check in w/ people we are close to.

 

[á´…eparted]

I agree what others have said so far. The need for validation (and the specific kind and way it's seeked out) is one of the few things I'd say is a near constant hallmark of ENFJ's.

For most people? I give absolutely zero fucks what they think about me, and couldn't care less about their approval or disapproval of me. They have no stake, control, or meaning to me, so why should I care? It's a waste of my time. Besides, the vast majority of the time someone does dislike me and thinks ill of me, I don't respect them because their judgement is clouded of faulty. It's sort of convienent that the very reasons that lead me to not respecting or caring what a person thinks of me, are reasons that speak of them having terrible judgement of me, or just in general.

However, for people I do care about or value highly? I need quite a lot of validation. I tend to eventually pull back from people who don't telegraph their approval of validation naturally. Trying to goad it out of a person is taxing and leads me to being kind of fearful of them in a way. Like I am always walking on eggshells. To me, asking for validation, requesting it, or dropping hints that it's wanted or needed is not ok. It makes the process forced, expected, and seems like it will make the other be resentful or inauthentic in doing so. Someone doing the whole metaphorical "tell me I'm pretty" thing is very disagreeable, and I very often dislike people who do that. The last thing I want to be is a hyprocrit with that. Hence, I hide the need for validation pretty strongly from those I need it from. Most of the time it's not an issue with people I am close with as they'll naturally do it.

It comes down to the fact that I want relationships to be genuine, and the idea of someone forcing a friendship in spite of be having bad qualities they don't like feels horrible. I don't want that, and I don't want that for them. Validation clears that up and makes the relationship feel natural and safe. ENFJ's are very very good at reading between the lines if they have proper information and a great many of us will try anyway even if there isn't enough, and it causes a LOT of stress and eventual misreading.

It's also rather strange and alien to me that people would want me to state "I need to be validated". Much how [MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION] said she isn't a mind reader and some people simply think nothing of that sort of thing. The idea of setting up a relationship where I have to point out when that needed honestly feels sort of scary and like "oh god the process isn't going to be organic how do I know it is going to be honest?", and it takes a very, very long time to get used to it, and even then it still feels off.

 

[ceecee]

ENFJ's are very very good at reading between the lines if they have proper information and a great many of us will try anyway even if there isn't enough, and it causes a LOT of stress and eventual misreading.

This, is exactly how that ^^ feels for me.

I'm not talking about unhealthy people who couldn't give a straight answer to save their life or other similar issues. But in healthy relationships (romantic and platonic), ENFJ's - just ask for clarification when needed. Don't think you fucking know everything and go running with it, and I say that in the best way possible.