[INFJ] Help me understand my angry INFJ parents

[Kho]

I thought I would have something productive to add that might help you but after reading this - I don't think so.

Oh. Why not?

 

[Kho]

This has nothing to do with MBTI types and everything to do with the fact that you are raised in an extremely abusive situation. My condolences to you. It may be time to apply for a visa to live some place else, in a whole new country, and just start over. Just a suggestion, since some countries are more expensive than others. Otherwise, just move out and live with somebody who knows of this situation so that they can support you during threatening times. This is no way a normal person should live.

I wonder if anyone on Typology Central is looking for a roommate.. LOL

 

[ceecee]

Oh. Why not?

Because you don't actually want any help. From what you have written, your parents are abusive, likely have a slew of their own mental issues and problems, know they can control you and that you're weak you won't fight back. That's what all abusers do/prey on so this has nothing to do with type. When you have had enough, then you'll be receptive to help but you have to reach that point and you're not there. You said so.

 

[Norrsken]

I wonder if anyone on Typology Central is looking for a roommate.. LOL

Post on Reddit. People have literally found jobs and their spouses through that website, so a roommate can be found from there too.

 

[Kho]

Because you don't actually want any help. From what you have written, your parents are abusive, likely have a slew of their own mental issues and problems, know they can control you and that you're weak you won't fight back. That's what all abusers do/prey on so this has nothing to do with type. When you have had enough, then you'll be receptive to help but you have to reach that point and you're not there. You said so.

I mean, it's complicated.
I know it looks like Stockholm's syndrome, but it's not.
They're very predominantly shadow-siding me at the moment, but they're my parents and they are INFJ's
and like all INFJ's they can be exceedingly wise, upstanding individuals when they are at their best.
I have left them before and I can do it again, but it'd be cruel to do so immediately after the recent family tragedy.

I'm hoping my music career starts lifting before long so I can afford to actually move my stuff abroad and have more say in what I do --
Right now my studio binds me to my place of residence, which is within my parents' reach.

to be honest, I'll also admit I was being a little disingenuous when I first wrote on this thread.
I just wanted to see what advice people might have and ultimately I did want to see if the advice offered would validate my future plans and present emotions.
I'm pleasantly surprised by the support and validation I've found so far through this thread.

On a slightly different note, it's not that I let myself be abused, it's just that I never fight back.
I stick around for as long as is convenient for me to get my pet project/ database compilation done, then walk away rather than expend energy.
I suppose it works like this, in my mind:
if I admitted I was worked up, I wouldn't be able to say that the situation was beneath me.
I have a need to rise above the din. When people hurt me, I ignore it and move on.
My emotions and my well-being, are mine to deal with. No one else holds claim to me or is accountable for what's done to me.
If the ones that hurt me are good people deep inside, they'll feel guilt in time and punish themselves more than I ever could.
If they're such awful tarnished people that they don't know how to feel guilty, they're not worth my time.

 

[Kho]

Post on Reddit. People have literally found jobs and their spouses through that website, so a roommate can be found from there too.

Gulp. Okay. Would this be the subreddit you're talking about?
https://www.reddit.com/r/serialkillers

 

[Norrsken]

Gulp. Okay. Would this be the subreddit you're talking about?
https://www.reddit.com/r/serialkillers

Do you have any close friends that you can stay with? You said in your OP that you have done this before and then a family member of yours died, prompting you to move back with your parents out of sympathy.

Ask yourself, why did you do that? Was it really sympathy, or was it fear? Fear does not equal love, a component needed for sympathy, at least, most of the times. Reddit is just one website. An overwhelming majority of people are not serial killers or rapists.

 

[Kho]

Do you have any close friends that you can stay with? You said in your OP that you have done this before and then a family member of yours died, prompting you to move back with your parents out of sympathy.

Ask yourself, why did you do that? Was it really sympathy, or was it fear? Fear does not equal love, a component needed for sympathy, at least, most of the times. Reddit is just one website. An overwhelming majority of people are not serial killers or rapists.

Well. I guess I know most people aren't serial killers or rapists.
But I have battled far worse fears than the ones in my subconscious that might have motivated me to move back in.
I've had far worse demons to fight, both inside me and in the real world in the guise of people...
I don't know what kind of worry-free idyllic lives most people seem to be leading, but my parents are the least of my worries right now.
My intention is to understand them in order for me to help them for THEM, to help THEM understand me.
I'm not suffering TOO much because of what they do. I'm an INTP. It takes a LOT to make me want to break a habit or change a living situation.
If that's what it takes to make them better people, so be it, whatever.
At least their intentions for me are good, and their only faults are that they love me in all the wrong ways that manifest in controlling behaviour.
Then again, the parents did beg and cry and tell me they would change, so I gave them their chance, I think.
But they haven't changed, but then again, no one can change overnight. And I do love them. But I think the next time I move out, I won't be back for years.

 

[Norrsken]

Well. I guess I know most people aren't serial killers or rapists.
But I have battled far worse fears than the ones in my subconscious that might have motivated me to move back in.
I've had far worse demons to fight, both inside me and in the real world in the guise of people...
I don't know what kind of worry-free idyllic lives most people seem to be leading, but my parents are the least of my worries right now.
My intention is to understand them in order for me to help them for THEM, to help THEM understand me.
I'm not suffering TOO much because of what they do. I'm an INTP. It takes a LOT to make me want to break a habit or change a living situation.
If that's what it takes to make them better people, so be it, whatever.
At least their intentions for me are good, and their only faults are that they love me in all the wrong ways that manifest in controlling behaviour.
Then again, the parents did beg and cry and tell me they would change, so I gave them their chance, I think.
But they haven't changed, but then again, no one can change overnight. And I do love them. But I think the next time I move out, I won't be back for years.

Worry free idyllic lives? Of course people should be cautious, but me stating the fact that most people are not serial killers is actually founded on facts and not some woo-woo intuition or flower child speak. Most people out there are flawed, yes, but they generally do good and want to make this world a little bit better, and aren't always after themselves. The way your parents treat you may have colored your views and I totally get that, since I have been in abusive situations before, but despite everything, I can't keep living like everybody is out to get me because I used to be like that... and it has caused horrific damage to my psychological health.

At some point, you just have to tell yourself that yes, there are people out there who want to help you and get you out of this situation, even if the transition is less than ideal. Because honestly? Your current living condition with your parents is severely less than ideal.

I know you love your parents. And underneath their abhorrent behaviors, they may very well be good people. But they can't keep doing this to you. You yourself cannot help them or have them understand you when they cannot even grasp the idea of what they are doing to their own child. You don't have that responsibility to help them; your own task is to help yourself. Only they can make a conscious choice to get professional help. I'm sure deep down they want to stop their inner demons from taking over, but that's not up to you to figure them out. They have lived longer than you, and they are capable of seeking the help they need to stop abusing you. I am sure that you don't want to cut contact with them, and I understand. They are your family, your blood. I'm not saying you have to say goodbye forever, but physical and emotional distance may be the only thing that will wake them up from their own madness and change for the better.

As long as you keep feeding the beasts, they will keep biting you. Its time to step back.

 

[Kho]

Worry free idyllic lives? Of course people should be cautious, but me stating the fact that most people are not serial killers is actually founded on facts and not some woo-woo intuition or flower child speak. Most people out there are flawed, yes, but they generally do good and want to make this world a little bit better, and aren't always after themselves. The way your parents treat you may have colored your views and I totally get that, since I have been in abusive situations before, but despite everything, I can't keep living like everybody is out to get me because I used to be like that... and it has caused horrific damage to my psychological health.

At some point, you just have to tell yourself that yes, there are people out there who want to help you and get you out of this situation, even if the transition is less than ideal. Because honestly? Your current living condition with your parents is severely less than ideal.

I know you love your parents. And underneath their abhorrent behaviors, they may very well be good people. But they can't keep doing this to you. You yourself cannot help them or have them understand you when they cannot even grasp the idea of what they are doing to their own child. You don't have that responsibility to help them; your own task is to help yourself. Only they can make a conscious choice to get professional help. I'm sure deep down they want to stop their inner demons from taking over, but that's not up to you to figure them out. They have lived longer than you, and they are capable of seeking the help they need to stop abusing you. I am sure that you don't want to cut contact with them, and I understand. They are your family, your blood. I'm not saying you have to say goodbye forever, but physical and emotional distance may be the only thing that will wake them up from their own madness and change for the better.

As long as you keep feeding the beasts, they will keep biting you. Its time to step back.

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your compassion and kindness in spelling it out for me, it is much appreciated, really I mean it.

 

[Norrsken]

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your compassion and kindness in spelling it out for me, it is much appreciated, really I mean it.

No probs. You can PM me anytime you need a friend to talk to, okay?

 

[GIjade]

I want to say that generally, an INFJ would have enough 'vision' to avoid this kind of extreme approach. But I would be ignoring the fact that when I have witnessed INFJ totally lose their shit (their ethics/intelligence/wisdom/etc.) it does happen to be when someone very close has 'deviated' from some kind of set plan or role they had of them.

Set plan or role the INFJ had for them, eh? How 'bout this. My entire family lied to me for my entire life about who they were. Now, try putting yourself in my shoes. You think your mom and dad and sisters and brothers and cousins, etc, are who they say they are. You accept what they tell you because you love them and don't have any reason to question their authenticity. Then one day you find out it was all a lie. How do you think that would feel?