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  1. #1
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Default INFP or NF's Communicate Better 1) In Head 2) Writing 3) In Person ?

    I am wondering if this is an INFP thing or an NF thing or just a personal dynamic.

    I get feedback in my life a lot, that people wish I would communicate more when we are not physically together.

    After reflection I feel this is because:

    - I am very busy and know a lot of people and sometimes feel bombarded by communications. If anyone is in my life it means I value them and give them full attention. But, I also need time to myself and without stimuli like computers etc... So, if I need alone time to recharge, I consider that more of a priority than catching up on texts or emails.

    - I usually have to process thoughts and feelings before expressing them. Often I am shocked to realize that in actuality I have not texted someone back - when in my mind I had composed a long, lovely message of thoughts.

    - I HATE talking on the phone. If the person could come over or we can meet I will happily devote all time and energy but I find the phone soul-sucking. During phone conversations I find it difficult to not concentrate on how much more I have to politely endure before I can get off.

    People tell me I would have more social energy if I didn't give each person my absolute attention and resources. But, they mean OTHER people in my life. They themselves still want to feel like the centre of my universe. Which isn't a 'play'. I am unable to make whomever I am currently with less than the focus of all my attentions. So, I find these suggestions a bit irksome.

    Anyone in the same boat? Any practical tips?
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  2. #2
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    I only have that issue with my family. They are clueless and selfish by nature, so I just let them say their piece and ignore it most of the time. It's ok, I love them anyway. :-) And they have some nice qualities, which helps.

    When I was a kid, I had that issue all the time. I think it was party because everyone I knew was the same personalities/background as my family and therefor had the same idea of how people should be. I never found a solution, because most people like that aren't interested in learning how others work. They just want you to be like them or do whatever they want. Not that they bother to look at their own motivations. They just don't empathize well. It annoyed me enough that I purposely prioritze empathy when choosing friends. So it's no longer an issue for me. But that's the closest to a solution I've ever gotten.

    Sorry that's not more helpful as far as practical tips. I certainly understand your frustration, though. If you do ever find a solution, please publish it! So far my choices seem to be just put up with it or spend less time with the culprits (since their listening skills are less than helpful).
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  3. #3
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gawain View Post
    I only have that issue with my family. They are clueless and selfish by nature, so I just let them say their piece and ignore it most of the time. It's ok, I love them anyway. :-) And they have some nice qualities, which helps.

    When I was a kid, I had that issue all the time. I think it was party because everyone I knew was the same personalities/background as my family and therefor had the same idea of how people should be. I never found a solution, because most people like that aren't interested in learning how others work. They just want you to be like them or do whatever they want. Not that they bother to look at their own motivations. They just don't empathize well. It annoyed me enough that I purposely prioritze empathy when choosing friends. So it's no longer an issue for me. But that's the closest to a solution I've ever gotten.

    Sorry that's not more helpful as far as practical tips. I certainly understand your frustration, though. If you do ever find a solution, please publish it! So far my choices seem to be just put up with it or spend less time with the culprits (since their listening skills are less than helpful).
    Thank you so much for weighing in. My family feels this way also and initially I tried to explain things but eventually tired of having the same conversations with no results. So, I choose (as you do) to appreciate the positives and love them for those. Also, I appreciate the flaws they overlook on my behalf as well

    With them and friends it CAN cause some distance or avoidance so it is something I am still trying to figure out. I think that is an interesting concept: to integrate friends into your life based on how empathetic they are. I do think that I could set some priorities in who with/how I spend my time. That is a good concept for me to explore!

  4. #4
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    - I HATE talking on the phone. If the person could come over or we can meet I will happily devote all time and energy but I find the phone soul-sucking. During phone conversations I find it difficult to not concentrate on how much more I have to politely endure before I can get off.
    Oh, I feel I am being left on the phone all by myself.

    How I love the phone. I love the sound of your voice, your warm muzzle whispering in my warm ear.

    I lift the phone, Cloudpatrol, I say, but there is a long, echoing silence from Oz to Canada.

    [I]Just a word[I], I beg but there is only the sound of the wind playing on the phone lines.

    Can there be anything more lonely than being alone on the telephone?
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  5. #5
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mole View Post
    Oh, I feel I am being left on the phone all by myself.

    How I love the phone. I love the sound of your voice, your warm muzzle whispering in my warm ear.

    I lift the phone, Cloudpatrol, I say, but there is a long, echoing silence from Oz to Canada.

    [I]Just a word[I], I beg but there is only the sound of the wind playing on the phone lines.

    Can there be anything more lonely than being alone on the telephone?
    Oh @Mole, you could almost induce me to experience a change of heart (grin).

    Yes, it is more lonely to be face to face, peering into the windows of another and be met with utter indifference, superficiality or even lack of desire to climb to common ground. Loneliness while physically in the presence of others.

    Postscript: I have a voice that seems to provoke strong reactions. Either people fancy it intensely or are somewhat annoyed. I would say the ratio is approximately 80/20. I attempt not to feel the 20% keenly.
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  6. #6
    Dust and Shadow Lia_kat's Avatar
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    I'm usually quiet, except when my curiosity is sparked or I'm giving my opinion/knowledge on something.
    I prefer not to talk on the phone. I screen all of my phone calls, even texts.
    However, I absolutely love writing. I feel I express myself better this way. I connect with the written word. I'm an an avid reader and poetry enthusiast/writer.
    "..But my dreaming self refuses to be consoled."- M.Atwood
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  7. #7
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    I compose long speeches to say in my head, but in person they aren't expressed. It's partly that when I am thinking, the thoughts are very fragmented. I link sentences together with non-verbal thoughts, so if I were to write what I am thinking directly, it wouldn't quite make sense.

    I think my best communication is done through writing. It is here that the thoughts I have are given a more clear form, and I often teach myself a lot with the things that I write.
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  8. #8
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    I compose long speeches to say in my head, but in person they aren't expressed. It's partly that when I am thinking, the thoughts are very fragmented. I link sentences together with non-verbal thoughts, so if I were to write what I am thinking directly, it wouldn't quite make sense.

    I think my best communication is done through writing. It is here that the thoughts I have are given a more clear form, and I often teach myself a lot with the things that I write.
    I can so relate to this! At times I will have long thoughts about friends and process things and FEEL as if we have spent lovely time communing. Then in real life I am SHOCKED when they express disappointment that we haven't spoken because I feel as if we have spent time together but then realize it was all in my head :P

    But, nothing is as satisfactory as the way thoughts come together on page. I make myself do more real-world communication but when I was younger I loved communicating largely with notes slipped under doors, post-its on windshields etc...

    Do you ever think also that maybe written communication is 'safer' because control of mistakes is possible whereas spoken interchange can get messy with things popping up or mis-understandings?

  9. #9
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    I can so relate to this! At times I will have long thoughts about friends and process things and FEEL as if we have spent lovely time communing. Then in real life I am SHOCKED when they express disappointment that we haven't spoken because I feel as if we have spent time together but then realize it was all in my head :P

    But, nothing is as satisfactory as the way thoughts come together on page. I make myself do more real-world communication but when I was younger I loved communicating largely with notes slipped under doors, post-its on windshields etc...

    Do you ever think also that maybe written communication is 'safer' because control of mistakes is possible whereas spoken interchange can get messy with things popping up or mis-understandings?
    Well, I think I do see written communication as safer, but in person I tend to play it even safer than that by not saying anything really that might be risky (though, even still I slip up a lot). I think for me, even if I have been spending time with someone, they might be dissatisfied with the interaction because of how little I am speaking, and I'm just so accustomed to staying all but silent that it doesn't really seem that strange from my perspective. I seem to have this assumption that the other person knows what I think/feel (lol) about what they are saying, like whether I agree or if I'm interested, but I often get very surprised by what things people do or don't pick up... like they have no idea when it comes to the things I thought were clear, and the things I thought I was keeping to myself, they seem to pick up on. It's confusing (for both me and them, I'm sure)!

    I think the idea of communicating with notes sounds great, but I can't say that I've ever really done it myself.
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  10. #10
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Default Like Gaul, conversation is divided into three parts.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    At times I will have long thoughts about friends and process things and FEEL as if we have spent lovely time communing. Then in real life I am SHOCKED when they express disappointment that we haven't spoken because I feel as if we have spent time together but then realize it was all in my head :P
    Normally a conversation consists of three parts: the first is face to face, the second in our heads, and the third in talk with others.

    Interestingly I have engaged in conversation with you where face to face is replaced by typology central, and I have had conversations with you in my head, and you might be interested to know I have talked about you with others.

    Normally we keep conversations in our heads private and don't share them, and we hide how we gossip about others.

    I think it is liberating to include in our face to face conversations the conversations in our heads, and also to confess our gossip with others. It opens up whole new perspectives, although of course it is not part of our normal manners and mores.
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