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[INFP] INFP or NF's Communicate Better 1) In Head 2) Writing 3) In Person ?

Cloudpatrol

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I am wondering if this is an INFP thing or an NF thing or just a personal dynamic.

I get feedback in my life a lot, that people wish I would communicate more when we are not physically together.

After reflection I feel this is because:

- I am very busy and know a lot of people and sometimes feel bombarded by communications. If anyone is in my life it means I value them and give them full attention. But, I also need time to myself and without stimuli like computers etc... So, if I need alone time to recharge, I consider that more of a priority than catching up on texts or emails.

- I usually have to process thoughts and feelings before expressing them. Often I am shocked to realize that in actuality I have not texted someone back - when in my mind I had composed a long, lovely message of thoughts.

- I HATE talking on the phone. If the person could come over or we can meet I will happily devote all time and energy but I find the phone soul-sucking. During phone conversations I find it difficult to not concentrate on how much more I have to politely endure before I can get off.

People tell me I would have more social energy if I didn't give each person my absolute attention and resources. But, they mean OTHER people in my life. They themselves still want to feel like the centre of my universe. Which isn't a 'play'. I am unable to make whomever I am currently with less than the focus of all my attentions. So, I find these suggestions a bit irksome.

Anyone in the same boat? Any practical tips?
 

Gawain

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I only have that issue with my family. They are clueless and selfish by nature, so I just let them say their piece and ignore it most of the time. It's ok, I love them anyway. :) And they have some nice qualities, which helps.

When I was a kid, I had that issue all the time. I think it was party because everyone I knew was the same personalities/background as my family and therefor had the same idea of how people should be. I never found a solution, because most people like that aren't interested in learning how others work. They just want you to be like them or do whatever they want. Not that they bother to look at their own motivations. They just don't empathize well. It annoyed me enough that I purposely prioritze empathy when choosing friends. So it's no longer an issue for me. But that's the closest to a solution I've ever gotten.

Sorry that's not more helpful as far as practical tips. I certainly understand your frustration, though. If you do ever find a solution, please publish it! So far my choices seem to be just put up with it or spend less time with the culprits (since their listening skills are less than helpful).
 

Cloudpatrol

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I only have that issue with my family. They are clueless and selfish by nature, so I just let them say their piece and ignore it most of the time. It's ok, I love them anyway. :) And they have some nice qualities, which helps.

When I was a kid, I had that issue all the time. I think it was party because everyone I knew was the same personalities/background as my family and therefor had the same idea of how people should be. I never found a solution, because most people like that aren't interested in learning how others work. They just want you to be like them or do whatever they want. Not that they bother to look at their own motivations. They just don't empathize well. It annoyed me enough that I purposely prioritze empathy when choosing friends. So it's no longer an issue for me. But that's the closest to a solution I've ever gotten.

Sorry that's not more helpful as far as practical tips. I certainly understand your frustration, though. If you do ever find a solution, please publish it! So far my choices seem to be just put up with it or spend less time with the culprits (since their listening skills are less than helpful).

Thank you so much for weighing in. My family feels this way also and initially I tried to explain things but eventually tired of having the same conversations with no results. So, I choose (as you do) to appreciate the positives and love them for those. Also, I appreciate the flaws they overlook on my behalf as well :)

With them and friends it CAN cause some distance or avoidance so it is something I am still trying to figure out. I think that is an interesting concept: to integrate friends into your life based on how empathetic they are. I do think that I could set some priorities in who with/how I spend my time. That is a good concept for me to explore!
 

Mole

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- I HATE talking on the phone. If the person could come over or we can meet I will happily devote all time and energy but I find the phone soul-sucking. During phone conversations I find it difficult to not concentrate on how much more I have to politely endure before I can get off.

Oh, I feel I am being left on the phone all by myself.

How I love the phone. I love the sound of your voice, your warm muzzle whispering in my warm ear.

I lift the phone, Cloudpatrol, I say, but there is a long, echoing silence from Oz to Canada.

Just a word, I beg but there is only the sound of the wind playing on the phone lines.

Can there be anything more lonely than being alone on the telephone?
 

Cloudpatrol

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Oh, I feel I am being left on the phone all by myself.

How I love the phone. I love the sound of your voice, your warm muzzle whispering in my warm ear.

I lift the phone, Cloudpatrol, I say, but there is a long, echoing silence from Oz to Canada.

Just a word, I beg but there is only the sound of the wind playing on the phone lines.

Can there be anything more lonely than being alone on the telephone?


Oh [MENTION=3325]Mole[/MENTION], you could almost induce me to experience a change of heart (grin).

Yes, it is more lonely to be face to face, peering into the windows of another and be met with utter indifference, superficiality or even lack of desire to climb to common ground. Loneliness while physically in the presence of others.

Postscript: I have a voice that seems to provoke strong reactions. Either people fancy it intensely or are somewhat annoyed. I would say the ratio is approximately 80/20. I attempt not to feel the 20% keenly.
 

Lia_kat

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I'm usually quiet, except when my curiosity is sparked or I'm giving my opinion/knowledge on something.
I prefer not to talk on the phone. I screen all of my phone calls, even texts.
However, I absolutely love writing. I feel I express myself better this way. I connect with the written word. I'm an an avid reader and poetry enthusiast/writer.
 

Pionart

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I compose long speeches to say in my head, but in person they aren't expressed. It's partly that when I am thinking, the thoughts are very fragmented. I link sentences together with non-verbal thoughts, so if I were to write what I am thinking directly, it wouldn't quite make sense.

I think my best communication is done through writing. It is here that the thoughts I have are given a more clear form, and I often teach myself a lot with the things that I write.
 

Cloudpatrol

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I compose long speeches to say in my head, but in person they aren't expressed. It's partly that when I am thinking, the thoughts are very fragmented. I link sentences together with non-verbal thoughts, so if I were to write what I am thinking directly, it wouldn't quite make sense.

I think my best communication is done through writing. It is here that the thoughts I have are given a more clear form, and I often teach myself a lot with the things that I write.

I can so relate to this! At times I will have long thoughts about friends and process things and FEEL as if we have spent lovely time communing. Then in real life I am SHOCKED when they express disappointment that we haven't spoken because I feel as if we have spent time together but then realize it was all in my head :p

But, nothing is as satisfactory as the way thoughts come together on page. I make myself do more real-world communication but when I was younger I loved communicating largely with notes slipped under doors, post-its on windshields etc...

Do you ever think also that maybe written communication is 'safer' because control of mistakes is possible whereas spoken interchange can get messy with things popping up or mis-understandings?
 

Pionart

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I can so relate to this! At times I will have long thoughts about friends and process things and FEEL as if we have spent lovely time communing. Then in real life I am SHOCKED when they express disappointment that we haven't spoken because I feel as if we have spent time together but then realize it was all in my head :p

But, nothing is as satisfactory as the way thoughts come together on page. I make myself do more real-world communication but when I was younger I loved communicating largely with notes slipped under doors, post-its on windshields etc...

Do you ever think also that maybe written communication is 'safer' because control of mistakes is possible whereas spoken interchange can get messy with things popping up or mis-understandings?

Well, I think I do see written communication as safer, but in person I tend to play it even safer than that by not saying anything really that might be risky (though, even still I slip up a lot). I think for me, even if I have been spending time with someone, they might be dissatisfied with the interaction because of how little I am speaking, and I'm just so accustomed to staying all but silent that it doesn't really seem that strange from my perspective. I seem to have this assumption that the other person knows what I think/feel (lol) about what they are saying, like whether I agree or if I'm interested, but I often get very surprised by what things people do or don't pick up... like they have no idea when it comes to the things I thought were clear, and the things I thought I was keeping to myself, they seem to pick up on. It's confusing (for both me and them, I'm sure)!

I think the idea of communicating with notes sounds great, but I can't say that I've ever really done it myself.
 

Mole

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Like Gaul, conversation is divided into three parts.

At times I will have long thoughts about friends and process things and FEEL as if we have spent lovely time communing. Then in real life I am SHOCKED when they express disappointment that we haven't spoken because I feel as if we have spent time together but then realize it was all in my head :p

Normally a conversation consists of three parts: the first is face to face, the second in our heads, and the third in talk with others.

Interestingly I have engaged in conversation with you where face to face is replaced by typology central, and I have had conversations with you in my head, and you might be interested to know I have talked about you with others.

Normally we keep conversations in our heads private and don't share them, and we hide how we gossip about others.

I think it is liberating to include in our face to face conversations the conversations in our heads, and also to confess our gossip with others. It opens up whole new perspectives, although of course it is not part of our normal manners and mores.
 

Galaxy Gazer

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This is an INxx thing, unless I'm actually an NF. I just can't communicate in person, like, at all. I stop making sense. Online I seem intelligent and logical and I make a lot of good points, but in real life my mind just sort of turns off.
 

Yama

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I communicate much more clearly and detailed n writing. I get embarrassed and lose my train of thought too much in person. My head doesn't make much sense either, that's why I have to translate from "in my head" to "in writing" to edit my thoughts for clarity.
 

pinkgraffiti

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May I just interrupt this little INFP chit chat go say: It's just you? I dont have problems expressing myself, it actually helps me think. Preferably in person so I can analyse body language, if not then on the phone, if not by writing.
I think it's just an introvert/extrovert thing...
 

fetus

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1. In head: The thinking that goes on in my head is actually very difficult to describe - almost ethereal. Trying to explain it feels like trying to grab dust particles in a sun ray. I think it's an interesting mix of words, pictures, music, and feelings. Come to think of it, I think feelings compose a great deal of my cognition. I can feel something without being able to attach words to it. This makes introspection very convenient, but it can also be frustrating; my mind is thick with thoughts, and it can be hard to reason when there's so much going on. So that leads me to...

2. Writing: I'm far more eloquent in writing than in person. If I need to make a point, especially a complex one, I'll need to write it out. Keeping a diary has also been highly beneficial for me. It gives me the opportunity to think and reason, rather than feel, for a change. Whenever I'm sad, I just bring out my journal. The entries start off very fragmented and distressed, but they become smoother and more objective by the end. Rereading them lets me tangibly see how my thought process becomes more reasonable. The solace I find in journaling is immense.
Sometimes I find that I can get too personal in writing. After all, I'm doing it mostly in privacy. This has actually been a problem at school with personal reflections or other assignments. I get caught up in the writing process and forget that it isn't my diary, and I end up turning something in that's way too personal. Writing gives me that boldness. I never would've have revealed any of that if I'd been talking about it.

3. In person: If I want to be funny or witty, I'm better in person. I'm not sure why. My sense of humor loses its appeal in writing. Speaking to somebody can also help with overwhelming emotions; because I'm such a feelery person, it can be really difficult to see things as they are in an objective light. I don't like to get overly personal unless I know the person well (then I really go all out). One thing I've noticed about myself is that I plan much of what I'm going to say beforehand, and then kind of read it off like a script (this applies mostly for school or group discussions). Otherwise I'm stumped.

As for phone conversations, that's just a mess. I hate talking on the phone. It's just a race to how quick I can end the conversation.
 

Mole

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I hate talking on the phone. It's just a race to how quick I can end the conversation.

We cured neurosis in children by talking to them on the phone.

The phone depends upon spontaneity and reciprocity, we can't use the phone alone and the phone encourages spontaneous expression.

And we found by encouraging spontaneity and reciprocity on the phone, it was easier to transfer this learning to face to face conversation.

It appears introverts hate talking on the phone, but learning to be spontaneous and reciprocate is very important in the personal growth of introverts.

And indeed introverts can and do learn to be spontaneous and to reciprocate from their deeper self. So mature introverts offer a richer conversation.
 

Pionart

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3. In person: If I want to be funny or witty, I'm better in person. I'm not sure why. My sense of humor loses its appeal in writing.

So much humour depends on timing. I personally think that I'm hilarious both in person and in writing, thank you very much, but the kind of wit I make in person will often revolve around swiftly turning an idea on its head, perhaps pointing out an inconsistency in what was said, or maybe intentionally interpreting it in the wrong way... a lot of the humour comes from the way the momentum of the conversation was struck, the surprise element. Or so my present analysis says. If the same joke were made online, it would appear simplistic, due to internet communication allowing for greater time of expression, and would not shift the momentum of the conversation nearly as much, as conversations in person are much more contained and sensitive to disruption.
 

Cloudpatrol

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[MENTION=3325]Mole[/MENTION]! Glad to see you joined the conversation.

I agree regarding the dynamics of expressing things to people face to face and how beneficial that can be. For instance, I find that (although sometimes initially 'scary') if I have an issue with someone it is far better to go directly to them and discuss it then to gripe or talk behind that person's back. Often, we both find there is more to the matter than we thought and end up with a better quality relationship.

That is fascinating re: children being treated with telephone use. It does seem intrinsic - this form of communication - with children. If you give a toddler a telephone in play or even a toy plastic banana (laughs) they will often immediately put it to their ear and conduct a conversation with an imaginary partner on the other end :)
 

Cloudpatrol

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So much humour depends on timing. I personally think that I'm hilarious both in person and in writing, thank you very much, but the kind of wit I make in person will often revolve around swiftly turning an idea on its head, perhaps pointing out an inconsistency in what was said, or maybe intentionally interpreting it in the wrong way... a lot of the humour comes from the way the momentum of the conversation was struck, the surprise element. Or so my present analysis says. If the same joke were made online, it would appear simplistic, due to internet communication allowing for greater time of expression, and would not shift the momentum of the conversation nearly as much, as conversations in person are much more contained and sensitive to disruption.

What a grandly eloquent description of what humour can be in it's finest forms!

I appreciated your answer to my question.

I know that I can find it confusing when I am not getting much feedback. I have a friend who is very sparse with his responses and appreciates being understood without much talking. I am not around him enough to observe closely and so don't have a good grasp on 'knowing who/what he is without language'. Thus, I found myself "guessing" sometimes which seemed to irritate him. So, instead for a time I became short with my replies also.

Eventually I decided to just be myself and he does not seem to mind answering questions when I ask, so I persist with the friendship. I think we both find each other's styles a bit difficult to manoeuvre around but are willing to try. His girlfriend and mom on the other hand seem to just 'get him' and don't seem to need much in the way of spoken interaction which confirms my belief there are the perfect lids for every pot ;)
 

Cloudpatrol

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May I just interrupt this little INFP chit chat go say: It's just you? I dont have problems expressing myself, it actually helps me think. Preferably in person so I can analyse body language, if not then on the phone, if not by writing.
I think it's just an introvert/extrovert thing...


Appreciate your perspective. I think your way sounds lovely & admire people in my life who have this ability to be expressive in the moment!
 

Cloudpatrol

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This is an INxx thing, unless I'm actually an NF. I just can't communicate in person, like, at all. I stop making sense. Online I seem intelligent and logical and I make a lot of good points, but in real life my mind just sort of turns off.

Completely unrelated sidepoint: Have you seen the touching film "Twinsters" on Netflix? Your "Boop" always puts me in mind of the "Pop" from that movie ;)
 
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