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[MBTI General] Are xNFJ's really as nice/caring as they appear?

Angry Ayrab

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
600
MBTI Type
ENFP
This is a serious thread.

I know a few ENFJ's and maybe one or two INFJ's and these people are seriously too nice to be true. They really do go out of their way to make sure everyone is happy. Are they really as nice inside as they are outside? This is a serious inquiry. Also, what is your reasoning from a practical or theoretical perspective?

And to all the xNFJ's don't be shy, whats your perspective.
 

Haight

Doesn't Read Your Posts
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
6,232
MBTI Type
INTj
INFJs are evil. Ask edcoaching, she'll tell you all about it.
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
I'm pretty sure they're trapped between being genuinely sincerely caring and being that necessary-for-survival amount of self-absorbed and selfish. And the fact that they're soo good interpersonally makes for it to seem that they care more about random people than they do, and sometimes that makes them feel guilty.

/speaking for other people.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm pretty sure they're trapped between being genuinely sincerely caring and being that necessary-for-survival amount of self-absorbed and selfish. And the fact that they're soo good interpersonally makes for it to seem that they care more about random people than they do, and sometimes that makes them feel guilty.

/speaking for other people.

That's not a half bad description at all.

I'm an equal mix of wanting to save people and throw myself on the sword sacrificially, and REALLY not wanting to care about another person as long as I live. I usually get that way when I'm exhausted. I don't get a choice about whether I care or not about people, which frequently makes me feel hijacked, and thus, surly and hard to manage. My ENFP twin, to me, by far, is the more truly "nice" person of the pair, and I try to under-react to things like she does.

But, having said that, yes, there's an inner Napoleon that's always pushing to get loose. I laugh when I watch "the Fifth Element" because that wacky zany Zorg guy! What a kidder! hahaha, no really. Very enfj. Dood. Not flattering.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm pretty sure they're trapped between being genuinely sincerely caring and being that necessary-for-survival amount of self-absorbed and selfish. And the fact that they're soo good interpersonally makes for it to seem that they care more about random people than they do, and sometimes that makes them feel guilty.

/speaking for other people.

This is well said. The only INFJ I know is my mom. She is super friendly and caring for others and has like a thousand friends, but wished she could get away to Lapland or some deserted island to not have to deal with their troubles. I tell her to shut off the phone (or ignore it) and the people will disappear, but for some reason she doesn't. I guess the INFJs need a lot of people around them and are exhausted by them.
 

Sunshine

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
1,040
MBTI Type
ABCD
Enneagram
4
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
This is a serious thread.

I know a few ENFJ's and maybe one or two INFJ's and these people are seriously too nice to be true. They really do go out of their way to make sure everyone is happy. Are they really as nice inside as they are outside? This is a serious inquiry. Also, what is your reasoning from a practical or theoretical perspective?

And to all the xNFJ's don't be shy, whats your perspective.

Yeah. I'm sure a lot are. My INFJ mom is amazing in that regard.

I do know one ENFJ that was totally fake though. Underneath her niceness she was really uncaring and manipulative. I know an other ENFJ who wasn't fake like that though.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I want to be as caring as I appear, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and/or frustrated. As I've gotten older, I've learned to be more selective about whom I help and with what, but I'll probably always have a compulsion to try to please and help people.
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
I want to be as caring as I appear, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and/or frustrated. As I've gotten older, I've learned to be more selective about whom I help and with what, but I'll probably always have a compulsion to try to please and help people.

4 444 posts! Wow!
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
This is a serious thread.

I know a few ENFJ's and maybe one or two INFJ's and these people are seriously too nice to be true. They really do go out of their way to make sure everyone is happy. Are they really as nice inside as they are outside? This is a serious inquiry. Also, what is your reasoning from a practical or theoretical perspective?

And to all the xNFJ's don't be shy, whats your perspective.
I think it depends on the XNFJ.. I have similar traits where I make sure that the people I'm with feel comfortable/are treated well. It's just how I am/especially how I was brought up.

Generally speaking, the ENFJs that I met are TRULY warm-hearted/genuinely sincere. There are some cases in which they can be cautious and not be as warm/sincere, but that also depends on what their perception of the 'other' party is like, how (un)guarded they are. I think most people have apprehension when they first meet someone.

With INFJs I know in real life, they don't go out of their way to make others happy. In fact, they're really quiet, reserved and rather not go out of their way- it just depends on how close they feel to the other person..

All in all, most XNFJs I know are sincerely 'well-intentioned,' one may be a bit more narcissistic than the others (mainly due to upbringing, but that person has a soft-spot as well)..

From a practical/theoretical perspective? I think that being oneself where we don't hold back, but understand boundaries/limits allows for a healthy self-esteem. If one cannot open up/communicate well, it's counterproductive to living. We're social creatures, so it would be really unhealthy for someone who's naturally warm/friendly to deny themselves from who they truly are, at heart..
 

mlittrell

New member
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
1,387
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w1
I'm pretty sure they're trapped between being genuinely sincerely caring and being that necessary-for-survival amount of self-absorbed and selfish. And the fact that they're soo good interpersonally makes for it to seem that they care more about random people than they do, and sometimes that makes them feel guilty.

/speaking for other people.


good call.
 

Penguin

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2008
Messages
45
MBTI Type
ENTP
i love to help, but i help selectively, i want to HELP not to do the work for them.
this also has to do with the fact that i simply do not have any sort of motivation to do something, if i am the only beneficiary, unless its something i desperately need, or something that i need to help others more.

also, don't think that the help you are receiving is left unpayed, help is social currency, it creates the quid pro quo(or how u spell the last word :D ) effect, and works like a guarantee that one day i too will receive you're help in case of need
the word that springs up in the mind of most is manipulation, but manipulation differs from perspective, it can be good or bad :)

i hope this wont cause most readers here to jump of the walls or something, its just an explanation of how i feel about Helping
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think that there is a very genuine urge to care and to help in my case (INFJ). I feel that we are put here to help people realize their potential and to do good in the world, which is why I became a teacher.

There are a few people that I realize are takers, unlikely to change and don't accept boundaries, so those people don't get my nice side. Over time, I have had to learn to not overpromise things and also warn people when they are beginning to approach the line of me not wanting to help them anymore.

Some people however do assume that I am more in sympathy with them than I truly am because I don't offer a lot of opinions about things that matter unless they are solicited. Most people then assume that I agree with them which isn't true.

Also because we try to put ourself in others' shoes we are less likely to write people off as quickly. This can be construed as caring, when it may be only gathering enough data to make an informed opinion about someone. We often give the benefit of the doubt unless there is an immediate bad gut feeling about the person.

We don't stir up conflict just for the fun of it, nor are we very blunt and so people often do think that we are generically nice without considering that there is more to us than what they see on the surface.
 

whimsical

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2009
Messages
351
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
4
I actually do go out of my way to be as nice as I can to everyone I meet because I know it means a lot, and that I would look for the same when I'm trying to form a friendship. However if you do something to disqualify these feelings of warmth I am sending, they will no longer be sent your way.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
There are many other types with excellent interpersonal skills who appear warm and friendly. It's important to not type someone as NFJ because they seem nice. Good interpersonal skills have surprisingly little relationship to actual intent or what a person is actually like. The two might coincide, but then again these might not. It depends a great deal on the degree to which they create image vs. authenticity.

I'm not saying NFJs are evil or wonderful. I'm not even saying they are always the ones with the strong interpersonal skills. My point is that friendly, smiling behavior tells you close to zero about what a person is actually like. It can tell you something if they still are like that when you are in a position of vulnerability. As long as they can gain something by acting nice towards you, then it is completely meaningless.
 
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