[INFJ] How to End Bad Relationships

[Hank]

I'm very close with (what I'm fairly confident is) an INFJ who has a very long history with a relative who takes advantage of her on a regular basis. I have tried to type the relative many times, but the relative is such an insincere, fake person that I have an near-impossible time reading her. The best I can guess is that the relative is an ENxJ who is in a really unhealthy state because she somehow always knows how to, aims for, and succeeds at upsetting the INFJ. And then she pretends she had no idea what she did to upset the INFJ. I realize Thinking types have the stereotype of stepping on Feelers' toes, but this goes beyond happenstance. There has been evidence in the past that this cycle is malicious and intentional.

The INFJ is constantly fighting the Fe battle between wanting to be a good relative (one of her higher-held values as a Feeler) and feeling hurt all the time by the ENxJ. Personally, I think the INFJ is holding out hope that the ENxJ will someday change. From what I understand, holding onto unhealthy relationships for unreasonably long amounts of time is common for NF types. (I know it's something I've had to deal with before.) Several friends and I have pointed out the toxicity of the relationship. The INFJ acknowledges the hurt and wants the cycle to stop, but the values she holds results in her consistently enabling the ENxJ to continue. I get where the INFJ comes from, but I think she deserves better.

I realize this is a heavy-ish issue to be dropping on a public forum. I'm not expecting professional psychological advice out of this thread. I'm just curious to hear everyone's input.

INFJs (and other NFs), can you relate? How did you deal with toxic relationships? Did anyone ever say something to you that inspired you to break out of the cycle?

I'm interested in hearing everyone's thoughts, but I really want to direct this towards NFs (and especially INFJ's.)

 

[ceecee]

In my experience, there isn't anything anyone can say to make them break out of the cycle. They have to reach a point on their own where they've had enough and that will violate whatever justifies them continuing to keep this person in their life.

Yes it's totally maddening to watch and I've had to step away from NF's that continue to allow toxic people to use them. I couldn't keep giving advice to a person who wouldn't take it and I didn't want to listen to their constant complaining about the situation (while doing nothing about it). I'm not saying your INFJ is doing this but it happens frequently.

 

[Forever]

I leave toxic relationships. I now know that it's not worth it. Knowing I am only one person who a short life with limited time, it really comes down to what is best for you, as selfish as it sounds. I can move on and help others who are willing to receive it and not abuse it. It's a selfish selfless way of looking at it.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

...The INFJ is constantly fighting the Fe battle between wanting to be a good relative (one of her higher-held values as a Feeler) and feeling hurt all the time by the ENxJ. Personally, I think the INFJ is holding out hope that the ENxJ will someday change. From what I understand, holding onto unhealthy relationships for unreasonably long amounts of time is common for NF types. (I know it's something I've had to deal with before.) Several friends and I have pointed out the toxicity of the relationship. The INFJ acknowledges the hurt and wants the cycle to stop, but the values she holds results in her consistently enabling the ENxJ to continue. I get where the INFJ comes from, but I think she deserves better.

The first and most important step is to minimize contact as close to zero as possible. Also spending time alone to recalibrate is important for INFs.

Then each person has to give up the hope of being perceived in a positive light. Other people latch onto the personal identity of being kindhearted and use and abuse it. I've had to give up the hope of being fairly judged and just realize that some people in this world are going to misjudge me, consider me horrible, and possibly hate me. Some of these people are ones I cared for immensely. We have no control over how others see us, and we simply have to let go of the hope of being thought well of by everyone.

I leave toxic relationships. I now know that it's not worth it. Knowing I am only one person who a short life with limited time, it really comes down to what is best for you, as selfish as it sounds. I can move on and help others who are willing to receive it and not abuse it. It's a selfish selfless way of looking at it.

I agree. It's also useful to consider that there is no shortage of human beings in the world. The other person you/me finds hurtful can certainly find other people to fill their lives. Seven billion people is a lot. No one requires any one specific person at all costs. I don't see it as selfish, but as not allowing the person to act harmfully in the world. By leaving a hurtful relationship, they might learn to treat people differently, and end up with less bad karma. It's kind to not allow another person to act harmfully.

 

[JClassic]

I'm very close with (what I'm fairly confident is) an INFJ who has a very long history with a relative who takes advantage of her on a regular basis. I have tried to type the relative many times, but the relative is such an insincere, fake person that I have an near-impossible time reading her. The best I can guess is that the relative is an ENxJ who is in a really unhealthy state because she somehow always knows how to, aims for, and succeeds at upsetting the INFJ. And then she pretends she had no idea what she did to upset the INFJ. I realize Thinking types have the stereotype of stepping on Feelers' toes, but this goes beyond happenstance. There has been evidence in the past that this cycle is malicious and intentional.

The INFJ is constantly fighting the Fe battle between wanting to be a good relative (one of her higher-held values as a Feeler) and feeling hurt all the time by the ENxJ. Personally, I think the INFJ is holding out hope that the ENxJ will someday change. From what I understand, holding onto unhealthy relationships for unreasonably long amounts of time is common for NF types. (I know it's something I've had to deal with before.) Several friends and I have pointed out the toxicity of the relationship. The INFJ acknowledges the hurt and wants the cycle to stop, but the values she holds results in her consistently enabling the ENxJ to continue. I get where the INFJ comes from, but I think she deserves better.

I realize this is a heavy-ish issue to be dropping on a public forum. I'm not expecting professional psychological advice out of this thread. I'm just curious to hear everyone's input.

INFJs (and other NFs), can you relate? How did you deal with toxic relationships? Did anyone ever say something to you that inspired you to break out of the cycle?

I'm interested in hearing everyone's thoughts, but I really want to direct this towards NFs (and especially INFJ's.)

I have met a lot of INFJ's and dated them as well.

The "F" types typically are less successful than they "T" types period. They have a counterproductive type, and don't like others to change them. Your friend is NOT a victim but a volunteer. These types enjoy helping out family a great deal even if it drains them. I tried to persuade many INFJ's to stop helping family more, and to actually go on dates with me more than once a week lol.

But of course you "feel" she deserves better because she appears to be victimized. She is a volunteer not a victim remember and you cannot change INFJ's just like you can't change a zebras stripes.

 

[Bilateral Entry]

I agree with [MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION]. Your INFJ probably knows exactly what is going on. It's not like you need to bestow wisdom upon him/her. It's an internal conflict that the INFJ will have to work through. S/he will have to decide when to cut ties. One day s/he will decide that enough is enough. I don't think external advice will make that happen.

 

[Forever]

Your INFJ probably knows exactly what is going on.

Good because mine doesn't have a clue.

Brb going to take my ENFP for a walk.

 

[kyuuei]

The only thing worse than having a toxic relationship is having someone you care for in one. Because they have to realize it for themselves... and at least, if it's MY toxic relationship I can do something about it. Nothing feels worse to me than having my hands tied behind my back and letting someone make their own mistakes. It's a difficult thing trying to not go to someone's rescue.

 

[Betty Blue]

First try creating solid boundaries. Sometimes people take advantage because they can and have no resistance and know no better. Family situ's can be difficult so i'd def suggest boundaries that can be stuck to no mater what. Iv'e heard INFJ's can door slam pretty hard so leave that as a last resort, especially if it will impact other family members/relationships. Also be careful about where you are standing when the storm hits.

 

[Hank]

I appreciate all the replies, everyone. I want to reply to all of them, but for the sake of time, I really want to touch on these two.

I have met a lot of INFJ's and dated them as well.

The "F" types typically are less successful than they "T" types period. They have a counterproductive type, and don't like others to change them. Your friend is NOT a victim but a volunteer. These types enjoy helping out family a great deal even if it drains them. I tried to persuade many INFJ's to stop helping family more, and to actually go on dates with me more than once a week lol.

But of course you "feel" she deserves better because she appears to be victimized. She is a volunteer not a victim remember and you cannot change INFJ's just like you can't change a zebras stripes.

I do tend to think of it as volunteering, but you've got me pinned when it comes to that last paragraph. (Trust me, I sat around for 5 minutes trying to think of a snarky response. ) I guess I tend to feel she deserves better (and therefore see her as a victim) because it isn't like she requested to have this relative at birth. It is, however, her choice to continue to engage the ENxJ's jabs. I understand the high value she places on family and get that that is why she continues to volunteer, but I (like to tell myself that I, anyway) would have cut the ENxJ off a long time ago if I were in her shoes. Maybe that's condescending of me to say.

Iv'e heard INFJ's can door slam pretty hard so leave that as a last resort, especially if it will impact other family members/relationships. Also be careful about where you are standing when the storm hits.

I have noticed that before, but I thought it was particular to my INFJ--didn't know that may or may not be an INFJ thing. Trust me, I've had enough interactions with the ENxJ to know where I'll be.

 

[Betty Blue]

I have noticed that before, but I thought it was particular to my INFJ--didn't know that may or may not be an INFJ thing. Trust me, I've had enough interactions with the ENxJ to know where I'll be.

Yah well I suppose it just depends on how you are viewing it all now. Is this person beyond the beyond yet? You can place firm boundaries with the family member and not be giving up at the same time.... aka tough love. But idk how far down the line they are.