[NF] Emotional vulnerability

[hjgbujhghg]

I recently realized something, which I think has been a rock in my typing and wonder whether any other NFs can relate to that.

Emotionally I am more negative, than positive and I usually give more neutral or negative feedback to people, than positive. This is the reason why many of my friends see me as non emotional or cold. My need for having harmonious relationships with people often holds me back from really hurting anyone's feelings, I don't do that...

But now I wonder... I am not comfortable with romance and with intimacy. I am not ok , with expressing my feelings and it's because I hate to feel emotionally vulnerable. When I manage to keep my distance and my sarcasm, I feel like I have the protection I need. But even in a close relationship, I hate the feeling of emotional vulnerability and dependence. I often try to vibe as strong and independent, but when it comes to be touchy feely and intimate... that's a destruction of it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Any NFs like that?

 

[SearchingforPeace]

I recently realized something, which I think has been a rock in my typing and wonder whether any other NFs can relate to that.

Emotionally I am more negative, than positive and I usually give more neutral or negative feedback to people, than positive. This is the reason why many of my friends see me as non emotional or cold. My need for having harmonious relationships with people often holds me back from really hurting anyone's feelings, I don't do that...

But now I wonder... I am not comfortable with romance and with intimacy. I am not ok , with expressing my feelings and it's because I hate to feel emotionally vulnerable. When I manage to keep my distance and my sarcasm, I feel like I have the protection I need. But even in a close relationship, I hate the feeling of emotional vulnerability and dependence. I often try to vibe as strong and independent, but when it comes to be touchy feely and intimate... that's a destruction of it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Any NFs like that?

All my life until 4 months ago. Even my wife of 20 years didn't know me and I avoided conflict as much as possible.

Except with the romance part.....and the touchy part I love affection, loving words, and actual touching and romance. But only since my wife. Before that, I was much more reserved in relationships and refused to give them anything and broke up too fast. When one GF asked if I loved her, I responded I didn't even know if I liked her..... She took our breakup hard, but I was just using her for my physical pleasure and nothing else....

I highly recommend Brene Brown on vulnerability. Watch her two TED talks....they are insightful. Read her books. They are life changing. Vulnerability is the path to real love and true happiness....

 

[hjgbujhghg]

All my life until 4 months ago. Even my wife of 20 years didn't know me and I avoided conflict as much as possible.

Except with the romance part.....and the touchy part I love affection, loving words, and actual touching and romance. But only since my wife. Before that, I was much more reserved in relationships and refused to give them anything and broke up too fast. When one GF asked if I loved her, I responded I didn't even know if I liked her..... She took our breakup hard, but I was just using her for my physical pleasure and nothing else....

I highly recommend Brene Brown on vulnerability. Watch her two TED talks....they are insightful. Read her books. They are life changing. Vulnerability is the path to real love and true happiness....

thanks for the post... to be honest, I don't really care about love all that much. It's limiting imho, I am not sure if the stereotype of love and couple is anything appealing to me. Love for me is music, art, ideas, visions and goals. People... I mean, I can be friends with people, I can love people as my friends, sisters and brothers, but the romantic part of love between two people... nah, somithing sticky about it. I don't like to feel sticky... I just wondered if there are NFs who are like that, or not. Because everyone is going to tell those are just stereotypes, but look around, most of the NFs are romantics who enjoy warmth and relationships.

 

[ceecee]

I recently realized something, which I think has been a rock in my typing and wonder whether any other NFs can relate to that.

Emotionally I am more negative, than positive and I usually give more neutral or negative feedback to people, than positive. This is the reason why many of my friends see me as non emotional or cold. My need for having harmonious relationships with people often holds me back from really hurting anyone's feelings, I don't do that...

But now I wonder... I am not comfortable with romance and with intimacy. I am not ok , with expressing my feelings and it's because I hate to feel emotionally vulnerable. When I manage to keep my distance and my sarcasm, I feel like I have the protection I need. But even in a close relationship, I hate the feeling of emotional vulnerability and dependence. I often try to vibe as strong and independent, but when it comes to be touchy feely and intimate... that's a destruction of it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Any NFs like that?

I don't think this is all that strange and here is what I've observed with NF people I know. Some, not all, tend to get down on others that have a pessimistic outlook. They see it as a big negative, even when it's realistic and grounded. BUT, they often do the same kind of thing as far as negativity and they don't like to be told about that observation. You are also a 4...

When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions. Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. Some feelings are seen as “me,” while others are “not me.” By attempting to hold on to specific moods and express others, Fours believe that they are being true to themselves.

One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4/

This may be what is going on more than your NF-ness but I don't think it's impossible that these two things together might be causing at least some of the issues.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

I don't think this is all that strange and here is what I've observed with NF people I know. Some, not all, tend to get down on others that have a pessimistic outlook. They see it as a big negative, even when it's realistic and grounded. BUT, they often do the same kind of thing as far as negativity and they don't like to be told about that observation. You are also a 4...



https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4/

This may be what is going on more than your NF-ness but I don't think it's impossible that these two things together might be causing at least some of the issues.

I didn't think of an e type, when writing this but yes. I guess you're right.

 

[Gawain]

Short answer: Yeah, there are plenty of NFs who feel as you do.

Longer answer: This is one of those things that is gonna vary based on more specifics. NFs have differnt functions, so that'll affect it. Then there's your enneatype and instinctual varients. These things affect us, too. Personally, I can relate to parts of what you're experiencing, but not all. I'm a pretty optimistic person. Not because I think it's "better" (I kinda hate when people act like it is.), but just because it's natural to me. My family describes me as a Tigger. So what you describe in your first post is mostly opposite to my experiences. But later you mention not ranking love and relationships highly, and that I get. As an sx-dom and an INFP, everyone seems to think I should be this super cuddly half of a couple. Bleh! I rarely bother with relationships. When I do, it's got more of a best-friend vibe outside of the bedroom. Romance is definately not my thing. Being independant and following my Fi is more like it. And if someone I'm in a relationship with can't give me enough space, I'm quite happy to be single again.

I really appreciate what you said about love. "Love for me is music, art, ideas, visions and goals." I agree. Love for humanity ranks far higher on my list of priorities than romantic love.

 

[Luigi]

I recently realized something, which I think has been a rock in my typing and wonder whether any other NFs can relate to that.

Emotionally I am more negative, than positive and I usually give more neutral or negative feedback to people, than positive. This is the reason why many of my friends see me as non emotional or cold. My need for having harmonious relationships with people often holds me back from really hurting anyone's feelings, I don't do that...

But now I wonder... I am not comfortable with romance and with intimacy. I am not ok , with expressing my feelings and it's because I hate to feel emotionally vulnerable. When I manage to keep my distance and my sarcasm, I feel like I have the protection I need. But even in a close relationship, I hate the feeling of emotional vulnerability and dependence. I often try to vibe as strong and independent, but when it comes to be touchy feely and intimate... that's a destruction of it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Any NFs like that?

Yeah, I'm like that mostly. But when I form a strong and deep bond with another person (and I'm not talking about anything romantic) I feel no awkwardness or shame in letting them know how I feel. For example I use the words: lucky, close, understood, supported, inspired, accepted...

 

[Rambling]

I recently realized something, which I think has been a rock in my typing and wonder whether any other NFs can relate to that.

Emotionally I am more negative, than positive and I usually give more neutral or negative feedback to people, than positive. This is the reason why many of my friends see me as non emotional or cold. My need for having harmonious relationships with people often holds me back from really hurting anyone's feelings, I don't do that...

But now I wonder... I am not comfortable with romance and with intimacy. I am not ok , with expressing my feelings and it's because I hate to feel emotionally vulnerable. When I manage to keep my distance and my sarcasm, I feel like I have the protection I need. But even in a close relationship, I hate the feeling of emotional vulnerability and dependence. I often try to vibe as strong and independent, but when it comes to be touchy feely and intimate... that's a destruction of it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Any NFs like that?

INTJ. But I relate to the distancing part, and I've been thinking about it recently. I read somewhere that it's important to know who you are in order to be an individual, but then to merge with someone else is to share who you are, but then it's being able to move between the two states confidently and comfortably. I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well, but I myself am very comfortable being myself, less comfortable with merging. Paradoxically, the better self-differentiated and the more certain I become of who I am, the better I become at the certainty and the vulnerability which is necessary for the merging part.

Tl;dr I'm working on it as well.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I don't enjoy feeling vulnerable or seeing other people feel vulnerable, but I don't avoid it because I tend to see it whether it is blatant or hidden under defense mechanisms. My defense mechanism is to avoid people altogether, but when I'm around them, I'm either quiet and blank, or fairly honest. I can be too confessional and honest and then regret it often.

I don't like too much negativity or positivity if it starts to distort reality. My ideal is to have clarity and a realistic perception. Super positive people wear me down, and I feel a little badly for them because it is like they are afraid of the negative, but the same is true in reverse. It is unfortunate to have to avoid the positive if it happens to be true. When I'm around people - especially in competitive environments where the defense mechanisms are in full gear, I get nauseated from all the falseness of it. They all look incredibly vulnerable to me as they are bragging with great resonance, throwing out back-handed compliments and overt criticisms to try to make everyone else feel vulnerable. It's all the same. It's all people being afraid, people feeling vulnerable on the inside. People demonstrate their needs externally by where they expend their energies. For example, the more energy spent bragging, the more there is a need to feel superior demonstrated. The more energy is spent cutting people down, the more there is a need to see them as less. Those are all vulnerabilities and needs. The settled person is more like a Buddhist monk, completely at peace whether insulted or praised, without a need to coerce this effect in their communication with others.

It's much easier to find the most honest route. When I'm in those environments I wish everyone could just focus on reality and the truth. If someone is more skilled than someone else, let's be able to acknowledge it without it implying everyone else is worthless. If someone fails, it means they failed at one thing. I wish there was a focus on the specific problem and the specific solution and not all this personal ego to defend.

In some cases I could improve by learning to let the ax fall more clearly and be more direct with criticism, but my job involves teaching children, so I have conditioning to lean towards positivity and gentleness in communication. Sometimes I'll have a student that needs much more external boundaries and negativity, and I could improve by adding more directness, even harshness in some instances.

I mostly don't care about honesty in my own vulnerability because it is useful for me as a songwriter, and on some level I expect everyone to know the truth deep down. I only feel intensely adverse when it attracts attention -when someone sees the vulnerability and responds with "aha, I'm going to get a piece of that", and then it is grotesque to me. When it gives someone else personal courage or a feeling of connectedness in their own private sphere, then I'm completely happy to be transparent. My ideal would be complete transparency about vulnerability through controlled communication (in the arts), but in which my actual life and location are inaccessible.

 

[Dutchie]

Sounds more NT to me, but it could have more to do with your Love Language. Have you heard of them? Google it because the theory is dead on in my opinion. It could be that physical affection is not one of your love languages (like gifts for me). Just an idea!