[INFP] Any other INFPs grow up hating themselves, trying to change who they were?

[Blackout]

Well, when I was young I was convinced something was wrong with me. I was just thinking about it recently, and I've noticed that of course, many people go through periods in their life where they feel "different" or have low self-esteem; I full on thought there was something inherently wrong with me. Like, I was just cursed, bad, damaged goods. There was literally just something not right with how I turned out and I didn't know what or how.

And I spent years trying to mimic and ape everyone else. I'd go around my environment trying to coagulate what I thought the perfect persona for me to try and fit into would be, and yet it just confused me all so much more. I started to I think feel disconnected and severed from my self.

Where does this come from anyway, and has anyone else ever gone through and experienced it? I just think it's weird that I hated myself that much. I mean things that, before I came to places like these, thought were completely bizarre.

Liking solitude, not liking groups, parties, not having very much Fe, the fact that I thought so much, and daydreamed, and all this other stuff. The fact they I loved fantasy, and fiction, and I didn't need to feel this big urge to go out into the world to prove anything. I just didn't get it.


is it family members, or something?

 

[Blackout]

More things---my sensitivity, my ability to imagine things, the fact that I would look to the future so often, the fact that I wasn't a grounded, hard pragmatic realist. The fact that, I was so emotionally driven, or such a feeler. The fact that, hard-logic and facts didn't seem to come naturally to me, and the fact that I seemed to have no mechanical inclinations, or the fact that I would so routinely become over-stimulated. I didn't like loud engines, sports, demeaning women, going really fast in vehicles, or just cars and trucks in general. Everyone thought I was gay for sure.


These were all just things that to me, were what I lacked, and needed to somehow fix.

 

[Mustafa]

Sounds like Aspergers.

What about now?

Mee too.

 

[Gawain]

Yes and no. I didn't ever hate myself or suffer from a loss of self-esteem growing up, but I knew I was "different". I got bullied a lot for it, and I could never really figure out why. But I read enough books where the hero was different that it never really made me feel "less than", if that makes sense.

I sorta tried out different personas, but it was more an exploration of who I wanted to be than a denial of self. I modeled myself after my fictional heroes. So one day I might want to be all stoic and down-to-earth, and the next I might be really mouthy and mischievous. But it always still felt like me, 'cause I was the one making the decision to act that way. When other people told me how to act, I usually resented them for it. That said, somewhere along the lines, all my heroes became very ESFP on the surface types. Showy, adventurous, and brash. So I guess you could say I wish I was more ESFP, but not really. I just like their stereotype more than ours, but I love my functions and way of feeling on the inside.

 

[Luigi]

My entire childhood I wanted to become a real-life equivalent to Bruce Wayne, apart from the nighttime antics. I don't have enough Te to be that kind of person without feeling bad about hurting the people, even if they are criminals.
Every time I see a movie, television series, or read a book with a character I can empathize with deeply, I always end up having some idiosyncratic desire to emulate them in some way. I was trying to figure out who I was by role-playing with these people. Funny thing is, they were all TJs, so we shared two judging functions. Obviously I got my cognitive priorities mixed up. Honestly, if I could choose my type I would an INTJ. But I'm not so I guess I'll just have to live with it. Weird thing is, fictional INFPs have been hard for me to relate to.

 

[GreatBigCranberries]

More things---my sensitivity, my ability to imagine things, the fact that I would look to the future so often, the fact that I wasn't a grounded, hard pragmatic realist. The fact that, I was so emotionally driven, or such a feeler. The fact that, hard-logic and facts didn't seem to come naturally to me, and the fact that I seemed to have no mechanical inclinations, or the fact that I would so routinely become over-stimulated. I didn't like loud engines, sports, demeaning women, going really fast in vehicles, or just cars and trucks in general. Everyone thought I was gay for sure.


These were all just things that to me, were what I lacked, and needed to somehow fix.

I definitely felt like there was something wrong with me pretty frequently as a kid, but I'm not sure if it was exactly the same same situation that you're talking about. Or at least, not from the same cause. It sounds like you didn't fit a masculine gender role (I'm guessing you're a guy?). I've heard that male INFPs have a much harder time, and it makes sense. Nothing about an INFP lines up well with stereotypical masculinity. Particularly the super-sensitivity. Female INFPs can still get scolded for things like being too sensitive (I know I was), but it's almost more like you're being told that you're taking things too far, rather than it's outright wrong.

My entire childhood I wanted to become a real-life equivalent to Bruce Wayne, apart from the nighttime antics. I don't have enough Te to be that kind of person without feeling bad about hurting the people, even if they are criminals.
Every time I see a movie, television series, or read a book with a character I can empathize with deeply, I always end up having some idiosyncratic desire to emulate them in some way. I was trying to figure out who I was by role-playing with these people. Funny thing is, they were all TJs, so we shared two judging functions. Obviously I got my cognitive priorities mixed up. Honestly, if I could choose my type I would an INTJ. But I'm not so I guess I'll just have to live with it. Weird thing is, fictional INFPs have been hard for me to relate to.

I've noticed that too, how hard it is to relate to almost every INFP in fiction. And TJ characters are also usually the ones I choose to vicariously live a story through. Maybe it's some kind of longing for our inferior function?

 

[Luigi]

I've noticed that too, how hard it is to relate to almost every INFP in fiction. And TJ characters are also usually the ones I choose to vicariously live a story through. Maybe it's some kind of longing for our inferior function?

Yeah, that's a fascinating possibility and perspective to consider. Sort of like, we want to get our lives in order so we can accomplish the things that are so meaningful to us and gain some enlightenment from it, but actually doing those things is another story. Steven Moffat said something like that in a Doctor Who interview. "Our heroes are who we want to be." Plus I think the Ni function is awesome. Seeing long-term into the future and being able to focus on getting there is really cool. On the other hand, being a male Feeler has so many perks when trying to find romance and getting along with other people.

Here's that interview below. He says that around thirty seconds into the video.

 

[Luigi]

More things---my sensitivity, my ability to imagine things, the fact that I would look to the future so often, the fact that I wasn't a grounded, hard pragmatic realist. The fact that, I was so emotionally driven, or such a feeler. The fact that, hard-logic and facts didn't seem to come naturally to me, and the fact that I seemed to have no mechanical inclinations, or the fact that I would so routinely become over-stimulated. I didn't like loud engines, sports, demeaning women, going really fast in vehicles, or just cars and trucks in general. Everyone thought I was gay for sure.


These were all just things that to me, were what I lacked, and needed to somehow fix.

I used to think I was hallucinating, then I found out about the imagination and daydreaming. The physical world has overwhelmed and stressed me when I become too involved with it. Playing racing games too often got me in a very hasty mindset and it took hours for me to internally calm down. Sometimes I feel that I have become too grounded or realistic. I hate it. I want to imagine all the possibilities, seems like my Ne has weakened somewhat.

I know what it's like to not have good motor skills, also. I can't ride a bike, swim, roller-skate, or play almost any sports very well... except for soccer. That's one of the few normal things I'm great at and I love participating in it. I have much nostalgia about playing it earlier in life. I have sort of an addiction to where I look forward to playing it again. People thought I was an effeminate guy growing up. They just don't understand. But then again, who cares? We're awesome, right?

 

[GreatBigCranberries]

I've been trying to organize my thoughts about this, and here's what I've got.
Things I thought were wrong with me growing up:

-Crying over things I can't (or can't bring myself to) explain to others. Extremely humiliating whenever it happened in public. I tried so hard not to and never succeeded.

-I thought I was doing something wrong by daydreaming, because I was not dealing with real life, so I kept trying to stop. Also never succeeded, but kept feeling really guilty over it.

-I had a vague idea that other people were able to do things exactly as they should be done (school work, socializing, menial tasks, anything), but somehow nothing I did was ever good enough (partly by my own standard, but even the nicest of criticism just proved this was the case). I just seemed incapable of doing things as well as anyone else did anything else.

-In my teens I became afraid that I had no real thoughts or opinions or preferences of my own, just ones borrowed from other people. I was afraid that I was in some way not a real person at all, just some patchwork of borrowed pieces attempting to imitate humanity.

-Then later I worried that I had no real emotions whatever; that all my feelings were fake and put on for show, even to myself. This one still bothers me (but I get so emotional about it that it's hard to keep believing it).

 

[Mustafa]

As for me, i was in a negative polarised suffering trance. I didn't think. I lived by feeling.

 

[Hapyniss]

Well, when I was young I was convinced something was wrong with me. I was just thinking about it recently, and I've noticed that of course, many people go through periods in their life where they feel "different" or have low self-esteem; I full on thought there was something inherently wrong with me. Like, I was just cursed, bad, damaged goods. There was literally just something not right with how I turned out and I didn't know what or how.

And I spent years trying to mimic and ape everyone else. I'd go around my environment trying to coagulate what I thought the perfect persona for me to try and fit into would be, and yet it just confused me all so much more. I started to I think feel disconnected and severed from my self.

Where does this come from anyway, and has anyone else ever gone through and experienced it? I just think it's weird that I hated myself that much. I mean things that, before I came to places like these, thought were completely bizarre.

Liking solitude, not liking groups, parties, not having very much Fe, the fact that I thought so much, and daydreamed, and all this other stuff. The fact they I loved fantasy, and fiction, and I didn't need to feel this big urge to go out into the world to prove anything. I just didn't get it.


is it family members, or something?

This all sounds like you've been out of balance. Being an imaginative creature and thinker means that you can create imaginary experiences within the world inside your head. Emotions, by themselves, rarely render factual results. It's possible that you created extremes in your environment by first creating these extremes in your head. As a result of your inability to distinguish between the fantasy and reality created an alternate reality...yours. It's not the same reality others are experiencing simultaneous to yours, which would appear "weird" and unexplained to them. Anything that anyone doesn't understand is automatically deemed "crazy".
For any INFP's that may still think this way:
Stop, firstly, mimicking others. Be your true authentic self and stop internalizing others criticisms and taking them to heart. Once you are authentic, you will attract those that are attracted to that. You'll find more genuine friends that extend their understanding for your genuine self. This will lead to that feeling of being understood.

Secondly, balance your emotion with some logic. When you catch yourself in an NF loop, stop, think, then try to view the situation from a place of facts. Go fact finding. Ask tons of questions and don't be afraid to answer them all. Explore your fear and expose it as truth. When we don't explore our true natures because we fear them, we intentionally separate ourselves from ourselves - feeling disconnected. What is really going on is we're discontented; usually with the facade that we've created in order to fit in. Ironic. <so funny> Regardless of personality type, everyone experiences this. You are not, in fact, alone. In actuality, this is a right of passage. This is a hurdle along the journey to ones absolute self.

Lastly, for God's sake people, stop perpetuating gender roles, stereotypes, hypocrisy, status quo, in the box thinking. It's not in the deliberate sharing of these types of ideas, it's in the subtext of depriving another human being of themselves and acceptance as such in the labeling as "weird", "crazy". No one deserves to feel horrible about their greatness because it makes one seem inferior. Discover your own greatness and be and do that.

"To be great, is to be misunderstood." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Summation: If you are being labeled and are misunderstood, perhaps it is instead that you are great and the other person is unaware of their and/or your greatness.

 

[Luigi]

I lived by feeling.

Sounds like the best way to live. :hi: