[NF] How do NFs experience crushes?

[Andy K Octopus]

When you have a crush, does it last for a long or short unit of time?

Do you view your crush as an idealized version of her/himself, oblivious to the real person? Or is it just that you're so forgiving that you don't care about the faults that you see existing?

How much does this crush influence your decisions? (As an NT, I think it influences my feelings but not my final decision. It just makes the decision-making-process take longer b/c of all the feeling getting in the way.)

you can't get that girl out of your head. it is maddening, especially if you can't have her for some reason. when someone else said "the world stops", that is so true.

 

[CzeCze]

I am prone to crushing out and then in turn getting crushed. I fall often and I fall hard.
There are people who I am interested in and never get enough interest to really 'seal any deal' though the opportunities are there.
And then there are people, usually who are not as available, who I yes, somewhat stalk, and just obsess over, and generally get totally retarded over.

My true crushes affect ALL my decisions as I always want to do things and be places that my crush is at, that my crush will like, that will make me seem more compatible and appealing to my crush.

It's actually really, really sad. But I can't help myself!

My crushes are very idealized and romanticized versions of the real people. I'm intellectually very aware of the flaws of my crushes but I'm so emotionally invested and gone that I don't care. I idealize the person in that I believe they are the holy grail and if I can make them reciprocate, then somehow my life will be better and I will be validated as a person.

But...isn't that how EVERYONE crushes?

 

[Celtinfj]

For the longest time I didn't understand the word 'crush'. I'm still not even sure that I do. So I've really no idea whether I've had crushes or infatuations or what. I know I don't idealize the other person, and I don't waste my time wanting a person I can't have. Of course, this wasn't always the case. So if I crush at all, I want it to be one where he crushes right back

Does anyone have the same issue with the semantics of the words, like I have?

 

[Sahara]

Does anyone have the same issue with the semantics of the words, like I have?

Yes, that's why my response tries to find away around it and fails.

 

[The Third Rider]

I absolutly hate crushes, they disorient me, make me real nervous around the person I like and I blush a lot I can't talk to that person normalli. Which in turn make me frustrated and depressed and pissed off. Also in the past I have fallen for the wrong girls and boy did they have a field day with me. Its been a while since I last had a crush though but I think is because I have matured a lot more.

 

[runvardh]

I absolutly hate crushes, they disorient me, make me real nervous around the person I like and I blush a lot I can't talk to that person normalli. Which in turn make me frustrated and depressed and pissed off. Also in the past I have fallen for the wrong girls and boy did they have a field day with me. Its been a while since I last had a crush though but I think is because I have matured a lot more.

Sounds like my crushes, excercises in frustration and getting used.

 

[Lateralus]

My answer depends on the definition of "crush"

If you define a crush as admiring someone from afar, I've had a few in my life, but none since high school. They wouldn't last long, maybe a few months. I don't think they had any influence on my decision making.

If you define a crush as infatuation with someone you can't have, I've had a couple of these. The most recent one lasted for almost 3 years, ending about 3 years ago (she was in a serious relationship with a dumbass, the entire time). We were close friends for most of those 3 years. I do think I had an idealized view of her. We wouldn't have been a good match. Looking back, some of her flaws would have driven me CRAZY if we had ever gotten together.

She knew about my attraction throughout our friendship. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings, so I'm sure my interest was obvious. I'd like to say she didn't influence my decision-making, but I don't think that's honest. In fact, I think she even had a (very) minor influence on my decision to move to Florida a few years ago (I wanted to get away from her).

As far as those "my world stops" feelings that others have mentioned, I never had those with any crushes or infatuations. Sure, I liked some of them quite a bit, but my world doesn't stop for people I just like. My world hasn't even "stopped" for most of the relationships I've been in.

 

[Mempy]

I've never had a crush that crushed me, and I've never had a crush on anyone I knew well. My crushes are always kind of low-intensity.

The crush I remember best is a very recent one. I think I'd just gotten out of high school and I went to a scholarship competition at my preferred college. All the competitors (thousands of them) were filed into a big auditorium where we waited for everyone to arrive. I sat down next to this plump, poorly-dressed, nerdy looking dude. And I struck up conversation. I asked him something about our nametags, and from then on it was easy conversation. He was exceptionally laid-back, as was I, and we just hit it off really well. The thing that impressed me most about him was his skill in math; he told me he was going into the field of aerospace engineering and that he was taking tons of calculus and other math courses. I'm a simpleton at math, so that amazed me. Well, we waited for about forty-five minutes for a speaker to come in and talk to us, and during that time this guy and I just talked away. We exchanged myspace names, and when I got home from the competition he'd already friended me, I think. I just liked that guy. He had a really cool music playlist on myspace, too. Unfortunately, he was taken. Well, maybe one day we'll meet again, each of us single. (Btw I gave him the MBTI through myspace and he came out INFJ, E9. Cool guy.)

The other guy is barely worth mentioning because I never spoke one word to him, but I'll mention him because he's the closest thing I can think of to a crush. Well, our desks in my sociology class were set up in a kind of horse-shoe half-circle, so that the desks on the left and right sides of the classroom faced the desks in the middle. He was sitting in one of the desks in the middle, so I had a perfect view of his profile. I saw his jawline and beautiful face. Fell in lust. He was just pretty, but I noticed after my friend who sat right behind him pointed it out, that he didn't really wash his hair that often. That was ok. His jawline made up for that, hehe. Anyhow, he was a jokester and rambunctious and fully alive all the time; intellectual, witty, and clever. Our teacher gave us all the MBTI and posted the results in the classroom. I glanced at his type: ENTP. Makes sense to me.

 

[The Third Rider]

Sounds like my crushes, excercises in frustration and getting used.

Yeah tell me about it, I don't know there must be something wrong with me but I always fall for the wrong chicks.

 

[Celtinfj]

Yeah tell me about it, I don't know there must be something wrong with me but I always fall for the wrong chicks.

Examine your patterns. What is it about these women that attract you, and what are you looking for? Lots of people choose flawed individuals because they want to fix them, heal them, or even because they're so screwed up, anyone looks better compared to them. Or perhaps you choose physical attractiveness over the substance of personality. Whatever the pattern is, it's there, and if you choose these women, then you can change that behaviour and choose someone better suited to your personality.

 

[runvardh]

Examine your patterns. What is it about these women that attract you, and what are you looking for? Lots of people choose flawed individuals because they want to fix them, heal them, or even because they're so screwed up, anyone looks better compared to them. Or perhaps you choose physical attractiveness over the substance of personality. Whatever the pattern is, it's there, and if you choose these women, then you can change that behaviour and choose someone better suited to your personality.

My failures (minus one which was totally my fault) have all been girls who live with their parents, have not bothered to pick up post secondary anything (I include trades and beauty school here), and have low self esteem. My biggest problem seems to be my own wavering self esteem as well as a difficult to control sympathy for others (hence how much I over act my asshole role for self defence). Self esteem I'm trying to build back by adding to personal accomplishments with hopes of those things making me feel better about myself. My other effort has been in attempting to be discriminatory against girls who don't do anything after High School and live with their parents. I don't like the last bit, but I'm finding it to be a nessicary evil.

 

[Celtinfj]

My failures (minus one which was totally my fault) have all been girls who live with their parents, have not bothered to pick up post secondary anything (I include trades and beauty school here), and have low self esteem. My biggest problem seems to be my own wavering self esteem as well as a difficult to control sympathy for others (hence how much I over act my asshole role for self defence). Self esteem I'm trying to build back by adding to personal accomplishments with hopes of those things making me feel better about myself. My other effort has been in attempting to be discriminatory against girls who don't do anything after High School and live with their parents. I don't like the last bit, but I'm finding it to be a nessicary evil.

I suspect the whole not going to school and living with their parents is more resultatory than causitive. In other words, they're symptomatic to some issue these women all possess: self esteem, princess-centric, fear. I've noticed that if you ask a tough question, the answers are always incredibly insightful with regards to their headspace even if they happen to be lying. And even if the answers are all different, the results are the same. For instance, if you ask someone why they still live with their folks and they reply that, they don't have enough money to get their own place, for instance, that suggests to me that they aren't mature enough to have the type of relationship that I would want. (I'm using this as an example, please, people who live with their folks, don't get your panties in a wad. Thanks)

Basically, what I'm getting at is that superficially it may seem like you're being discriminatory, but in reality, you're seeing the behaviour behind the behaviour, and avoiding someone who's just not suitable. That's not being discriminatory, that's being prudent.

 

[runvardh]

Oh, no I totally understand, I just said discriminatory for the ones who don't like the lines I drew. I may be trying to be prudent and protective of myself, but I can't help but be aware of who I'm hurting anyway with what I'm saying. My own sensitivity frustrates me.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

My crushes throughout my life have typically been overwhelming, but always to some extent hidden, and often with an assumption of them being doomed. Tragic, unrequited love i suppose. Actually more annoying than anything.

My crushes tend to be controlled on the surface but quite reckless beneath the surface. Because of this many guys overlooked me as being too reserved and uninteresting. The irony of that is of some consolation to me.

 

[Celtinfj]

Oh, no I totally understand, I just said discriminatory for the ones who don't like the lines I drew. I may be trying to be prudent and protective of myself, but I can't help but be aware of who I'm hurting anyway with what I'm saying. My own sensitivity frustrates me.

well, would you rather be hurt by the truth or some soothing lie? myself, gimme the truth any day. And honestly, this is more about you than them, since you're the one who tends to fall for this "type".

 

[Celtinfj]

My crushes throughout my life have typically been overwhelming, but always to some extent hidden, and often with an assumption of them being doomed. Tragic, unrequited love i suppose. Actually more annoying than anything.

My crushes tend to be controlled on the surface but quite reckless beneath the surface. Because of this many guys overlooked me as being too reserved and uninteresting. The irony of that is of some consolation to me.

Toonia, I know exactly what you mean. I hide my light under a bushel as well. And the guys who have taken the time to get to know me have been both surprised and delighted.

In the end, I suppose it's like wearing lingerie under jeans...no one else knows or sees, but *you* know, and that makes all the difference in the world.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

In the end, I suppose it's like wearing lingerie under jeans...no one else knows or sees, but *you* know, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Well put my friend.

 

[artie]

My crushes used to be overwhelming floods of ecstacy, often quite debilitating and all comsuming. That was from about age 14-23.

Fortunately it hasn't happened in many years, I think maybe I got different priorities, no longer treating daft Beatles songs as the guide to how to live, or what to aspire to.

 

[quietmusician]

Mine last a little longer than expected, lol. Then I move on to someone else. I get bored focusing on one thing sometimes. I kind of bounce around. I'm like a player without the typical player motives, lol.

 

[PinkIceTD]

When you have a crush, does it last for a long or short unit of time?

Do you view your crush as an idealized version of her/himself, oblivious to the real person? Or is it just that you're so forgiving that you don't care about the faults that you see existing?

How much does this crush influence your decisions? (As an NT, I think it influences my feelings but not my final decision. It just makes the decision-making-process take longer b/c of all the feeling getting in the way.)

Before I read all the posts, I'll answer...

When I have a crush, and a real crush, it laaaaasts. My current crush 1 year exactly. Previous crushes have lasted anywhere from 6months to a couple of years.

The experience is...different. I experience it in a variety of highs and lows. Its the best feeling, but i don't develop crushes easily because the feelings are very intense.

I think I have idealized in the past. But I am working to be more present and see the person for who he really is. I find the real version to be much better