[NF] Why does it seem like everyone unloads on me?

[á´…eparted]

I used to have this sort of problem years ago, but not anymore. People come to me less frequently to unload. I think partly because I don't take to certain kinds of unloading and I will shun those who try to. It's ultimately a good thing though because I won't have anything nice to say to some people that do this.

More often than not I will go out of my way to encourage others to unload when I think I understand what their problem is and I can successfully cut through their emotional fog.

 

[grey_beard]

Something has changed for me in this dynamic and I wish I could articulate it well enough to share. I've been where you are, attracting people in need, thinking that I had to be what they needed in stress and in the middle of an unloading process. I too have felt (and sometimes still do feel) trapped by the needs of another person. But then, when I feel myself practically drowning in that person, I realize, wait, no, they don't need me to be what I think they need me to be, they don't need my persona of listening. They need connection with the real me, they are seeking a moment to feel that someone else really gets them. So, I then put all the thoughts of myself aside (like, oh goodness, this is so exhausting, when will they stop talking, when can I escape, can I handle all this pain I'm absorbing) and I just put all of that outside and look very deeply into them, just immerse myself in them and let all that they're feeling exist in me and really connect. Something about that is not exhausting. Something about that is so restorative and the energy seems boundless there. I guess I have been calling it just loving them. Like, really setting my defenses aside and really making a moment in there without limitation or concern. It seems good.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, hard to put the feeling into words. I don't think the point is about shutting people out, is all I am saying. So far, those folks I've connected this way with only need that intensity for a short time and they move forward, as opposed to the previous clingers I attracted seeking energy from me constantly and seemingly stuck there. I'm realizing it might be as much about me as them, in being stuck. Like we get stuck together.

There's just something about INFPs and their magical healing rays. And yes, I say that as a hyperlogical, 5w4 INTJ armoured unit.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Yeah, I experience this.

I feel like I carry the weight of other people's emotional baggage a lot, and I feel bad for those I vent to, because it sort of creates this bigger issue of "the world is a craphole" than just my own experience. When it affects me that way, then I know I need to stop thinking I even CAN do anything. It is humility and relief to not take responsibility.

The issue I find is it is hard to determine who really needs and who is just greedy. Some people take, take, take, and they learn nothing. In a sense, you are an audience and you feed them emotional energy. It goes into a blackhole. Others truly need that energy because they cannot muster their own and they are at a make/break point. In a way, that energy returns to you if you see the person progress somehow. It's the "more happiness in giving than recieving" principle. But it can take a lot of patience, because people just dont change as fast as we think they should. It is hard to know who moves at a glacial pace and who is a vampire.

I just dont want to be someone who says it is too much trouble to care. I dont want to be a fair weather friend who disappears when someone has problems that arent magically solved by oversimplistic advice offered by people really seeking to ease their own discomfort.

So, sure, I choose to be open in that way, but that doesnt mean others cannot abuse it and I should just accept that.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

I have lengthy responses to type for several comments, I will try to get these posted by my lunch break.

 

[prplchknz]

and those same people say "if you need to talk i'm here" bull fucking shit. so i'm done with friends

 

[ghost owl]

I experience the same phenomenon, but I feel ambivalent about the best way to avoid the overload/energy drain aspect of being a 'good listener.' I can be very curious about other people. If they pique my interest, I want to know their stories and their problems, and try to understand what makes them tick. I am also very empathetic, and seem to be attracted to the experience of suffering on many levels.

So, in my case, it's not that people just happen to unload their crap on me, but often that I desire and even solicit it... to a point. They have to be interesting to me, or I will excuse myself early on. If they don't have a genuine desire to solve their problems, or don't make a genuine effort to do so, or come to seem blind/ selfish/ otherwise intractably flawed with time and analysis, I will become jaded and relatively detached at one point or another. Similarly, if it becomes clear, over time, that the person is inclined to ask for my time and compassion but is not ever willing to invest any resources in my person and my needs, I will lose interest in the one way street. Yet I find it takes time to come to this realization. The differences between a person wanting friendship and support and a person wanting a relatively free source of sympathy are often surprisingly subtle.

For me, I think the biggest dilemma arises when the balance tips in such a way that I feel I am simply being drained by our association. Because, after all, I played a role in cultivating the relationship. I was interested in them. I invited their confidences. Barring an egregious lapse on their part, it feels cruel to wash my hands of them and disappear. That makes me feel like a user or a fair weather friend in turn. And generally, I am still sympathetic to their suffering and by that point in time will have developed some genuine care for them as a person. Yet once they have become a palpable drain on me, the friendship is no longer sustainable in its earlier form.

I resort to some combination of gradually increasing distance, making more pointed comments about some of the problems I observe, and guilty compensatory listening in which I am not fully invested. It is not always graceful, and I'm not sure it's completely kind, but if people are sucking the life out of you, you will usually find yourself avoiding them or distancing yourself out of basic self-preservation impulses. In a friendship, as in a romantic relationship, inertia is not a good reason to continue on in the same vein.

Having reread this, I realize I have perhaps deviated considerably from the original topic....

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Something else: it may be helpful to consider exactly what drains you. This is a segment from Lillian Glass' book Toxic People I'd blogged about a couple years back (italics are author's) :

One man’s friend is another man’s toxin. A person who is toxic to you is not necessarily toxic to everyone else. Toxicity may be specific and interactive. You may react adversely to certain people who rub you the wrong way, based on your particular personality makeup. You may find it difficult to be around loud, boisterous, or bossy people; your best friend, on the other hand, may not be able to stomach uptight, judgmental people but, unlike you, has no problem with the loud and the boisterous.

[…..] The reality is that there are certain categories of people who are toxic to you.​

It wasn't a great book, imo, but it did have some helpful exercises to become more aware of what's draining to you personally. (Like: make a list of people who drain you the most, write out a list of adjectives to describe each of them- she provides a list in her book- then look for which adjectives get repeated the most.)

 

[Raspberry_rain]

Same here! I actually enjoy it though. I get people sharing their deepest life stories with me within an hour of meeting me, and this isn't a rare occurrence either.

 

[pluviophile]

I also enjoy it. It gives me energy. I have to be careful though. I would gladly sit around and help everyone else with their problems while completely ignoring my own. Oh, it is so much more fun to clean someone else's house than your own. Anyways, the only thing I really can't deal with for very long is someone whining about the same stupid things over and over and over and acting like some minor problem is the end of the world. When this is the case, or people aren't respecting my boundaries, or I feel like I'm just being used as a free counselor, I'll usually just start avoiding them. If that doesn't work I usually just start feeding them stupid platitudes. I know that's super kind and mature, but it usually does the trick. Oh, sometimes I just tell people that I'm getting really anxious and I can't talk about whatever it is anymore. That usually proceeds my swift departure.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I have had this situation many times. I want to be there for people but when people dump their problems on me constantly, I reach my limit. I am somewhat flattered that people feel comfortable around me but I am only human. I don't quite know what to say. I try not to show the fact that I've had it and keep on listening. I don't want to make their anxieties and problems worse and telling people to shut up is just the thing to do this-- and yeah, that though runs through my head.

I mean, I say what I think they need to hear but if people constantly ramble, it gets harder to know what that is. I believe everyone deserves to vent when things build up. I am not a psychologist nor do I strive to be one. I like to think I'm a caring person and I am helpful. but I am not mother Teresa.

 

[Abcdenfp]

Well, you won't like this but it's because you allow it. I know, I'm married to an ENFJ 9w8, I have seen him have this problem, at varying levels, for years. I understand you'll sit there shaking your head at what I'm saying but you only stand up and tell people to go fuck themselves and their problems when the issues have reached critical mass.

For your own mental health and well being, this has to happen much earlier. Of course it's exhausting, of course people can be emotional vampires and no you don't need to go live in a cave. You need to stand up for yourself and learn how to say no. Or maybe find an ENTJ 8 who can teach you.

believe me people tell me either the strangest things about themselves or attempt to offload to me about their issues and exhaustion is the exact description of what I feel when they are done. I try now to surround myself with people who make me feel brighter when I leave them , brighter or lighter.

my therapist at the time gave me 2 books to read and they helped in setting boundaries,

1. when I say no, I feel guilty
2. the four agreements

I think its an NF thing, but also people pleasing habits.