[NF] Talking Too Much in and About Relationships

[BluRoses]

OK, so the irony is not lost on me that I am in effect, "talking" about talking too much. Just bare with me, please?

Basically, I am in a relationship of 3 years with a really sweet and chill INTP. We have been through a lot of life changes in our relationship that didn't have specifically to do with "us," but that have none the less had an effect on "us."

Right now we are going through a big one and I am trying to just chill out and not worry that he is falling out of love with me, and to enjoy what we have right now. However, I seem to have a LOT of issues doing that. I would say that for the last 2 months I have asked him to have "relationship feeling talks" about 1x per month. He is calm, cool, and collected as always (and sometimes that gets a little frustrating for me) and says its fine that I want to talk to him about our relationship and feelings, etc. and that he loves me.

So, it seems like I should be secure in us and stop worrying, but I CAN'T. I am annoyed at myself. Anyways, so has anyone else had this issue and how can I calm the freak down and just enjoy things? Any advice is appreciated!

 

[BluRoses]

OK people. I guess the answer is that I just need to shut up.

I will try, but my head might explode in a heart splosion.

 

[Qlip]

Honestly, it just sounds like you need to have that talk, you need reassurance to feel safe. I don't think there's anything unreasonable about it, and if he's doing it, then this isn't a problem. Right?

 

[ceecee]

You really have to figure out why there is such a deep insecurity. You want to have the relationship conversations with him frequently to find out why this is. Except they won't likely provide the answer. That's your issue. This may be something you may want to talk to a professional about before they actually become a "we" issue.

 

[Qlip]

You really have to figure out why there is such a deep insecurity. You want to have the relationship conversations with him frequently to find out why this is. Except they won't likely provide the answer. That's your issue. This may be something you may want to talk to a professional about before they actually become a "we" issue.

It could be this, but honestly, it may also be that she just needs a relationship with more forms of outward intimacy, relationship discussion can be something that fulfills the need, not just an 'investigation' into a problem. I couldn't say, because all I have is the O.P, but we all have different needs. If they aren't being met, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with the person having the need.

 

[ceecee]

It could be this, but honestly, it may also be that she just needs a relationship with more forms of outward intimacy, relationship discussion can be something that fulfills the need, not just an 'investigation'. I couldn't say, because all I have is the O.P, but we all have different needs. If they aren't being met, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with the person having the need.

Understood. I'm also seeing this from my own INTJ/ENFJ relationship perspective. In no way am I saying the person having the need is wrong. But to find out what the reason is for the need could be very helpful. I don't need to have a relationship discussion often - I don't have any issue bringing up a problem when it surfaces. Not the same for my ENFJ. He had a need for that conversation often and was more prone to not bringing up problems when they surfaced. With two significantly different approaches, some issues were almost certain and we had them.

We got some help with that in the beginning and it was incredibly helpful. It only boiled down to different communication methods, we just had to learn them. Now, I will initiate the relationship talks and he will bring up issues when they surface.

 

[Redbone]

What would you like him to say/do and how often would you like him to say it to you?

If you're going through a bad time right now, it may be natural to you to secure what is most important first, which is your relationship with your INTP. You know, home-base kind of thing. I would express this to him but it sounds like he may already know.

 

[Coriolis]

OK, so the irony is not lost on me that I am in effect, "talking" about talking too much. Just bare with me, please?

Basically, I am in a relationship of 3 years with a really sweet and chill INTP. We have been through a lot of life changes in our relationship that didn't have specifically to do with "us," but that have none the less had an effect on "us."

Right now we are going through a big one and I am trying to just chill out and not worry that he is falling out of love with me, and to enjoy what we have right now. However, I seem to have a LOT of issues doing that. I would say that for the last 2 months I have asked him to have "relationship feeling talks" about 1x per month. He is calm, cool, and collected as always (and sometimes that gets a little frustrating for me) and says its fine that I want to talk to him about our relationship and feelings, etc. and that he loves me.

So, it seems like I should be secure in us and stop worrying, but I CAN'T. I am annoyed at myself. Anyways, so has anyone else had this issue and how can I calm the freak down and just enjoy things? Any advice is appreciated!

This is interesting. My SO is INTP as well, and our situation tends to play out a bit differently. Obviously neither one of us is that comfortable/expert in dealing with emotions and relationship issues, but I am almost always the one to initiate relationship talks, if only because I have a stronger troubleshooting urge than he does. I see/feel a problem and want it fixed. Not only is he often reluctant to discuss, when we finally do, he will quickly become annoyed and even agitated while I remain calm, collected, and focused on the problem.

I'm not sure any of this is of use to you. If nothing else, more data points. I probably have as much to learn from the responses you get.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

This is interesting. My SO is INTP as well, and our situation tends to play out a bit differently. Obviously neither one of us is that comfortable/expert in dealing with emotions and relationship issues, but I am almost always the one to initiate relationship talks, if only because I have a stronger troubleshooting urge than he does. I see/feel a problem and want it fixed. Not only is he often reluctant to discuss, when we finally do, he will quickly become annoyed and even agitated while I remain calm, collected, and focused on the problem.

I'm not sure any of this is of use to you. If nothing else, more data points. I probably have as much to learn from the responses you get.

I think I'm dating a thinking type, and a self-described ambivert. She's not particularly emotionally expressive. What I love is that conflict resolution is so easy. She was mildly critical of something I did last week, which rubbed me the wrong way. I told her about my misgivings once I had calmed down internally (she had no idea that it affected me like that). I was honest , and direct, and it wasn't a big deal. We both handled it in an empathetic way and demonstrated that we both cared about each other.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

OK people. I guess the answer is that I just need to shut up.

I will try, but my head might explode in a heart splosion.

Don't blame everything on yourself. I had two failed marriages with INTPs who I admired to the point of becoming completely blind to my own needs. INTPs can be distant to the point of being habitual withholders (whether intentional or not). I adored both to the full extent of my capacity, but I left the first after 15 years and becoming clinically depressed, felt like he had fallen out of love with me, and when I gently pulled away, he really didn't feel much and said so. The second one was much more complex and conflict oriented, but after six years I left because he drove me close to losing my mind. Many of my personal needs were unmet, but the pure logic convinced me to gaslight myself over and over again until I nearly lost my mind both times.

I have my own issues, but I did learn to realize that just because someone communicates calmly, it doesn't mean they have all their shit together either. Those deeply suppressed, unconscious emotional issues get projected out onto their partner.

I hope your situation has more lasting potential. i would just say though, that there is a reason you feel the way you do and it could be because of past pain that you keep reliving, and/or because your INTP isn't completely in the right about all of their behavior and choices in the relationship. A feeling talk once a month is quite rare, and if you feel like it has to be scheduled and controlled to that rhythm based on your partner's needs over your own, then that isn't an equal power balance. If you need 30 talks a month and he needs one, then the two of you should be having 15 talks a month. That's compromise.

 

[Mane]

OK, so the irony is not lost on me that I am in effect, "talking" about talking too much. Just bare with me, please?

Basically, I am in a relationship of 3 years with a really sweet and chill INTP. We have been through a lot of life changes in our relationship that didn't have specifically to do with "us," but that have none the less had an effect on "us."

Right now we are going through a big one and I am trying to just chill out and not worry that he is falling out of love with me, and to enjoy what we have right now. However, I seem to have a LOT of issues doing that. I would say that for the last 2 months I have asked him to have "relationship feeling talks" about 1x per month. He is calm, cool, and collected as always (and sometimes that gets a little frustrating for me) and says its fine that I want to talk to him about our relationship and feelings, etc. and that he loves me.

So, it seems like I should be secure in us and stop worrying, but I CAN'T. I am annoyed at myself. Anyways, so has anyone else had this issue and how can I calm the freak down and just enjoy things? Any advice is appreciated!

Let me ask you this: What flavor of marzipan did you want to eat 5 minutes ago?
I am going to guess that unless there was some incredible coincidence, you don't know, because chances are you didn't think about marzipan until I asked you, which wasn't 5 minutes before you've read this post. But you are thinking about it now, maybe you are thinking "I hate marzipan", or "Since when does marzipan comes in flavors?", or "Almond, it's always almond". Whatever marzipan related thoughts or questions you might have, they probably started with me asking.
When you ask him if he still loves you, why he loves you, why you and not someone else, or any of those, you are probably making him ask himself those same very questions, questioning his love for you can have the unfortunate consequence of making him question his love for you, which is a problem, because love is very hard to rationalize.

Now, take a deep breath. I have years of experience as the insecure one and I know how the whole "My fear of getting pushed away is going to make them push me away" thing is one hell of a cycle to break. Breath in and look at it from the other side, this gives you control. If he will fall out of love because of his own internal process, there's probably nothing you can do about it, but you can sure as hell make sure you won't be the one to push him away.

 

[BluRoses]

It could be this, but honestly, it may also be that she just needs a relationship with more forms of outward intimacy, relationship discussion can be something that fulfills the need, not just an 'investigation' into a problem. I couldn't say, because all I have is the O.P, but we all have different needs. If they aren't being met, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with the person having the need.

I think I do need this reassurance right now to feel safe. He is giving me what I am asking for (when I am explicit). I am feeling a lot better now, as opposed to when I first started this thread. Previously I was having a tough week and we were unable to see or talk to each other much. That is usually when I tend to get worried. The ENFJ thing of "wanting to check in" with the other person in a relationship is definitely true of me.
[MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION] I have actually been to a counselor and I found it very helpful. It is true that I am insecure and this is mainly because I am going through a divorce and my ex continues to be very emotionally manipulative (we have 2 kids together, so I see him often). I am working on my insecurity and will continue to. I'm also trying to "give myself a break" mentally more now since the divorce than I used to. I see that not everything is my responsibility and that I need to just let myself off the hook sometimes.

I do think that part of my issues with my INTP sweetie is for sure coming from me because of the divorce, but also has to do with trying to adapt to being with a I and T when I have never been before. Specifically, just that he is not very outwardly emotionally expressive. However, he is 100% honest (when I ask him a direct question) and totally trustworthy. He has never let me down when I am clear with him what I need.

Basically, the INTP/ENFJ relationship is very different from an ENFP/ENFJ relationship (duh!), and I'm trying to not stress so much about the differences.

 

[BluRoses]

What would you like him to say/do and how often would you like him to say it to you?

If you're going through a bad time right now, it may be natural to you to secure what is most important first, which is your relationship with your INTP. You know, home-base kind of thing. I would express this to him but it sounds like he may already know.

I am good about telling him my needs, but I usually agonize over stuff for about a week before I tell him. I am telling him stuff about once a month right now. They are mostly little things like, "Could you please tell me if I'm annoying you (he says I never do. =p)." And "It is important that you TELL me that you love me sometimes. I like to hear it. How about 1x a week minimum?" Were 2 that came up the last few months.

I think it really comes down to that he looks at our relationship as: he loves me and is secure that I love him and doesn't see why he needs to tell me or show me very much because it is a fact that is not changing. For me, I have seen relationships change in almost an instant (and slowly for the worst over years), so I worry because I love him and don't want that to happen. His seeming security is enviable for me! I will say though that I have read some people think INTP's do not "feel" things as much as other types do because they are often detached. I know that at least for my INTP that is a load of crap. He feels things just as intensely as I do, but shows and deals with it so differently than I.

This is interesting. My SO is INTP as well, and our situation tends to play out a bit differently. Obviously neither one of us is that comfortable/expert in dealing with emotions and relationship issues, but I am almost always the one to initiate relationship talks, if only because I have a stronger troubleshooting urge than he does. I see/feel a problem and want it fixed. Not only is he often reluctant to discuss, when we finally do, he will quickly become annoyed and even agitated while I remain calm, collected, and focused on the problem.

I'm not sure any of this is of use to you. If nothing else, more data points. I probably have as much to learn from the responses you get.

Data points are always good! I love to learn about people, relationships, and how people interract. I am lucky that my INTP very rarely gets angry (maybe because he is a 9). We have never had what I would really call a "fight" in 3 years (Sounds crazy to me!). We have had disagreements and I have gotten very annoyed or frustrated with him, but it is still usually a pretty quiet blow up. Anyways, I just say that because I have read that because Fe is their inferior function, many immature INTP's have blowups when they are mad due to not having a good handle on their Fe yet. I would recommend that you try to be as clear, direct, and unemotional as possible with your INTP when discussing any issue. Not always easy, of course, but still...

 

[Coriolis]

Data points are always good! I love to learn about people, relationships, and how people interract. I am lucky that my INTP very rarely gets angry (maybe because he is a 9). We have never had what I would really call a "fight" in 3 years (Sounds crazy to me!). We have had disagreements and I have gotten very annoyed or frustrated with him, but it is still usually a pretty quiet blow up. Anyways, I just say that because I have read that because Fe is their inferior function, many immature INTP's have blowups when they are mad due to not having a good handle on their Fe yet. I would recommend that you try to be as clear, direct, and unemotional as possible with your INTP when discussing any issue. Not always easy, of course, but still...

Actually, for me it is easy and that is what I do, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I'm sure getting upset and emotional would be even worse, though, so that is an experiment I don't feel the need to conduct.

 

[BluRoses]

[MENTION=22098]Jarlaxle[/MENTION]

I do not like marzipan, but I see your point and I appreciate the support. However, I have to say that I think I disagree with you. Asking for clarification and confirmation should not mean that someone will then think, "Do I love them? I guess I don't. Bye!" I am sure that sometimes that could happen, but honestly, if all he had to do was think about loving me (or not) and then he would realize that he didn't, I would want to know that and not be with him. I don't want to be with someone I love who does not love me. I do think that asking a million times a day would be extremely annoying though. I am working on my insecurity.

Actually, for me it is easy and that is what I do, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I'm sure getting upset and emotional would be even worse, though, so that is an experiment I don't feel the need to conduct.

In my opinion, MBTI is not perfect and it is really just a rough framework that individuals fill in. It's interesting to hear about your relationship, because a close friend of mine is an INTJ and of course my BF is an INTP. I would bet money that if the two people in my life were to get into an argument, it would be the INTJ who would get annoyed and possibly raise their voice, while the INTP would remain cool and calm. Such are differences in individuals. However, from what you said before I can relate to your wanting to deal with problems sooner than the INTP. I think this might be partially influenced by your J function. My INTP would probably wait until he was either in physical pain or I asked him a very direct question to bring up problems. Once I bring them up though, he will talk about them. It's hard for everyone to talk about their feelings.

 

[Mane]

[MENTION=23172]BluRoses[/MENTION] - That makes sense. Maybe something more useful to explore then MBTI would be differences in love languages?