[INFJ] Other miserable INFJ's here?

[Nico_D]

Once again I feel so existentially alone. I practically don't have any friends in the deepest meaning of the word, especially after I got rid of my dear ESFP friends after h behaved badly towards me. Blamed me of things which I hadn't done, suspected me being some kind of evil masterminder and generally not trusting me when he should have. I told him the facts after which he apologized but it was kind of late for that, my trust had shattered. And this wasn't the first time I had a problem with him but before I'd managed to let those pass, guess there was an invisible line there somewhere. Maybe when he called me a dictator.

"Oh, I just go with what I am feeling and say what I think" he said while apologizing.

Yeah. Like there were any thinking involved.

Add to is my annoying need to be with the people when they don't have the need to be with me, except when they need a listener or comforter. Then they pour their souls and problems on to me, rarely even thank me and leave. For once it would be nice if someone asked me how I'm doing and stayed long enough for me to answer. But let's face, it usually goes like this:

"I'm having really bad problems of belonging."
"Oh, that's horrible. Have I ever told of the period when I had the exact some feeling? I was... (skip to the end) ...but then I learned to not care about it and maybe that's something you should do too. Sorry, I have to go."

I'm just so tired of being the weirdo. I perfectly understand that other people can't be blamed for not understanding what I am going through. It is just so unfair.

Sorry for my rant.

 

[á´…eparted]

Don't limit yourself to just looking for other INFJ's. There are all different kinds of people that may or may not relate to what you are experiencing. You're limiting yourself unfairly to seek out only one type.

 

[Nico_D]

You are probably - most likely - right. I'm just so out of it. Just waiting for someone to say something magical which turns everything on it's head and makes me feel again that I can handle this. Currently, I can't.

 

[á´…eparted]

You are probably - most likely - right. I'm just so out of it. Just waiting for someone to say something magical which turns everything on it's head and makes me feel again that I can handle this. Currently, I can't.

I don't think I can offer something in the way of words to help you here. If I tried I'd likely make it a lot worse. In light of that, I will offer this:

 

[Nico_D]

Thanks for considering me. Beautiful vid.

 

[Polaris]

I think your problem has a very simple solution: look for new friends, friends who will accept you as you are, and don't stop looking until you find them. You'll be too busy to feel miserable, and once you're done, you won't have any reason to feel miserable. And you can hardly fail when you speak two languages on a planet with more than 6 billion people on it living in the age of the internet. If you fail, it's because you've decided to give up.

Also, I would be very surprised if you've had to deal with more loneliness and misery than I have dealt with and continue to deal with on a regular basis. I'm still kicking, so I'm sure you can keep kicking, too. Just ask yourself what you can do to give yourself a shot at improving your condition, and I can guarantee that you'll come up with numerous answers. Focus your energy on that, and don't waste time moping around.

 

[Nico_D]

Wise words, Polaris. I'm also aware that there is very likely far lonelier INFJ's - and others - on the planet than I am. I have a family. It's just this existential loneliness which is killing me.

Searching for new friends is part of the solution, virtual or real, you are absolutely right about that. But as my problem is not to be accepted as who or what I am, it is also the other way around: I want to stop seeing how every potential friend is somehow unsuitable, to see their quirks and faults or intellectual or emotional incompetencies (sorry if I sound like a horrible snob, I don't mean that). I would like to get to know them slowly just as their get to know me but it feels like I'm always few paces ahead. I feel I see too much - and when I'm in a certain mindset (like this), everything I see gets twisted in my mind to be even more alarming than they actually are.

Just so tired of getting disappointed that I fear I'm shutting people completely out. Truth be told, been here before and I've been without (outside of family) real-life social contacts for two weeks now and can't see that changing soon.

But so far I feel good here. Thank you for that. (See, "so far", that's what I'm anticipating.)

 

[Poetica]

Hi! I'm an INTJ, but I can most definitely relate to what you're going through. I don't have any friends at the moment either, (because my two "best" friends moved away) but I can tell you that there are always opportunities to make friends. Like attracts like. They'll find you. I wouldn't worry too much about it

 

[PeaceBaby]

But as my problem is not to be accepted as who or what I am, it is also the other way around: I want to stop seeing how every potential friend is somehow unsuitable, to see their quirks and faults or intellectual or emotional incompetencies (sorry if I sound like a horrible snob, I don't mean that). I would like to get to know them slowly just as their get to know me but it feels like I'm always few paces ahead. I feel I see too much - and when I'm in a certain mindset (like this), everything I see gets twisted in my mind to be even more alarming than they actually are.

Well, when you are able to accept people as human, flawed, you'll be able to accept yourself as human, flawed, and the separations you presently sense will shrink and minimize because they're not real. You know, I've been watching this pattern for a long while and have noted that virtually everyone feels alone and misunderstood in some way. Stop looking for other people to fill that void. Get to know yourself better and you won't feel so alone.

In the meantime, here's a .

 

[great_bay]

They thought you were an evil mastermind? Did they not trust your Ni? lol

 

[Nico_D]

Hug received. Thanks all.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Hug received. Thanks all.

You're not alone, alone is an illusion.

 

[Studmuffin23]

Is there any other kind?

 

[Cosm]

Why be Miserable? March under the Rainbow as dark clouds roll ahead, until you find your Pot of Gold!

 

[Nico_D]

Why be Miserable? March under the Rainbow as dark clouds roll ahead, until you find your Pot of Gold!

But how can I see the rainbow if there's dark clouds?

 

[Cosm]

But how can I see the rainbow if there's dark clouds?

Why, dark clouds pass, of course! In the glorious dance of sun and downpour we find rainbows.

 

[SD45T-2]

I think we have miserable people of all types here.

 

[Rofalexanderland]

Okay, so, there's this thing I do when I feel depression or anxiety creeping up on me. Particularly in social arenas, I've found my imagination (that darn abstract Ni), can be my best friend or worst enemy. So I thought maybe I'd just walk you through what I do, what works for me, hopefully it works for you too.

Some times the best way to get yourself out of the existential crisis & the OCD like loop of the worst case scenario is to just use that powerful introverted intuition to live out that worst case scenario in your mind. Just take a moment & imagine all of your fears related to facing life long loneliness & isolation & rejection just feel how incredibly painful it will be.

Just take a deep breath & go there for a few seconds.

Now, INFJs experience the things that they can imagine as intensely as they experience the real physical world. This is our curse & our gift.

Now if you did that emotional visualization, then you just lived through your fears, you just faced them. Now let's engage your rationale mind here, not just the intuitive one, if you don't overcome this fear then it will be the reality. If you don't reach out & make an effort, you won't make friends. If you reject those who reach out to you, preemptively because you fear them possibly hurting you, you will be alone.

But the good news is that you have time, and you have a brain that is hard wired to come up with possibilities & creative solutions.

When that opportunity to go to that event or to reach out to that potential new friend arises but with it arises the fear, don't shut down & retreat. Face it, use your minds eye to live out the worst case scenario that is holding you back, live through it, then go out to find that while reality is frequently not as lovely as you some times imagine it, it's also not as dismal or terrifying either.

And know that already, you've made a connection with people who care enough to listen & respond & your voice has been heard.

 

[Nico_D]

Valid points. Actually I go naturally there facing (or living) the worst case scenarios but the problem is I can't get past it. Or at least it takes a hell of a lot of time and effort.

Meeting new people and considering if we'd be suited as friends usually ends too fast to the feeling that no, this will not eventually work. He's got that habit, I've got this and few years down the line it will end in a disaster - or at least of me getting bored of one-sided relationships or feeling neglected or whatever.

But yes, you are correct on many accounts. Especially that you'll have to a leap of faith every now and then and while the reality might not be exactly what I want, it's something. Beats being alone.

Thanks!

 

[Nico_D]

They thought you were an evil mastermind? Did they not trust your Ni? lol

Sorry, too some time answering. I wasn't familiar with the functions so I had to do some reading.

You managed to show me a part of my foolishness. I seem to fall in the trap of thinking people see me as clearly as I see them. Maybe they don't.

But still, I'd say if they know me at all, they should at least know if I'm a good or a bad person and should be able to answer the question does their theory of my evilness suite what they know of me.

Sorry, that's some poorly written English there. It sucks but don't know how... Oh well.