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[ENFJ] Initiating conversation

rosemilk

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Jan 28, 2014
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Typical story it would seem: I'm an INFP with strong feelings for an ENFJ. Problem: the ENFJ rarely initiates conversation. Once I do, the ENFJ will talk, talk, talk. But the ENFJ will never begin.

I'm taking this as a sign of lack of interest. Thoughts, kind folk?
 

ceecee

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Typical story it would seem: I'm an INFP with strong feelings for an ENFJ. Problem: the ENFJ rarely initiates conversation. Once I do, the ENFJ will talk, talk, talk. But the ENFJ will never begin.

I'm taking this as a sign of lack of interest. Thoughts, kind folk?


Hmm...I don't agree that it's lack of interest for sure. My ENFJ was difficult to get going in the beginning as far as conversation goes. This may have been because he wanted to get to know me better so he was more sure about conversations he started/things he said. I think he was overly concerned with offending me but that happens so rarely, it's a non issue.

If he wasn't engaging at all, I would be concerned. Since he is you may want to (gently) encourage them to start more conversations/don't be afraid to speak their mind...etc.
 

rosemilk

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We have been friends for a while and this ENFJ has said they feel comfortable with me so perhaps then it is not such a good sign :(
 

ceecee

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We have been friends for a while and this ENFJ has said they feel comfortable with me so perhaps then it is not such a good sign :(

Have you ever told them about your concern?
 

ceecee

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I'm afraid of being too needy.

Wouldn't the ENFJ in question need to make that determination, not you? In my experience, that would likely be the last thing they thought if you sincerely brought up the topic.
 

LonestarCowgirl

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Thank you both. This is good advice.

Oh! One other very important thing I thought of is ENFJs deal in social currency! If an ENFJ goes silent, it could be your cue to reciprocate. For example, if they liked your picture on Facebook, then like theirs. They seem to appreciate equal give and take.
 

rosemilk

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Oh wow I had no idea. I like *all* their things, though :wubbie:
 

á´…eparted

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I don't enjoy starting conversations unless there is an explicit external reason to do so. Why? I just don't like pulling things out of thin air. It feels hollow and forced, and I worry the other will notice that I'm trying to fill the dead space.

I need a reason to talk, and it's difficult to create it on my own.
 

Showbread

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Interesting. I live with an ENFJ and she is not shy at all about starting conversations. In fact, the INFPs and INTP I know find her directness off-putting. Although, the better I get to know her the more I think she could be an ENTJ.
 

á´…eparted

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Interesting. I live with an ENFJ and she is not shy at all about starting conversations. In fact, the INFPs and INTP I know find her directness off-putting. Although, the better I get to know her the more I think she could be an ENTJ.

One of my good friends is an ENFJ 7w6, and she'll initiate a conversation with anyone. Sometimes people need to tell her to stop.

I'm wondering if there is any correlation at all at play here.
 

Showbread

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One of my good friends is an ENFJ 7w6, and she'll initiate a conversation with anyone. Sometimes people need to tell her to stop.

I'm wondering if there is any correlation at all at play here.

Maybe. I'm not sure what my roommate's enneatype is. She tests 2, but I think I would be more likely to guess 1w2. It's kind of strange because she describes herself as extremely compassionate and merciful, but she is one of the least empathetic people I know. She's terrible at mirroring emotions, and she doesn't know how to listen or validate feelings without trying to fix everything. She kind of turns people into projects and if you don't utilize the resources she gives you and "get better" at the rate she thinks you should she just kind of gives up on you. She's almost a nurse and yesterday she described caring for people who aren't willing to help themselves as a "waste of resources" and followed with "we should just let them die."
 

á´…eparted

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Maybe. I'm not sure what my roommate's enneatype is. She tests 2, but I think I would be more likely to guess 1w2. It's kind of strange because she describes herself as extremely compassionate and merciful, but she is one of the least empathetic people I know. She's terrible at mirroring emotions, and she doesn't know how to listen or validate feelings without trying to fix everything. She kind of turns people into projects and if you don't utilize the resources she gives you and "get better" at the rate she thinks you should she just kind of gives up on you. She's almost a nurse and yesterday she described caring for people who aren't willing to help themselves as a "waste of resources" and followed with "we should just let them die."

Well, that does sound a lot like me. When was younger I used to fancy myself as extremely compassionate and merciful as well... HA! Yea ok. I'm not evil and heartless, but when it comes to compassion and mercy I am average or low in that department. A lot of it indeed comes from being 1w2. This realm is the big difference between my ENFJ 7w6 friend. She loves everyone, and wants to include everyone pretty much indiscriminately. I am not like that all. If I offer people advice or help and they don't progress I will indeed drop them because it's a waste of my energy, I got only so much to go around, and I don't see the point of it. When it comes to listening and validating emotions in others, that is a very cerebral and intentional process. One I trained myself to automatically do, but I still must do it with intent. I reconigize the importance of it. But, I would never say "we should just let them die." That's uh... borderline sociopathic?
 

Showbread

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Well, that does sound a lot like me. When was younger I used to fancy myself as extremely compassionate and merciful as well... HA! Yea ok. I'm not evil and heartless, but when it comes to compassion and mercy I am average or low in that department. A lot of it indeed comes from being 1w2. This realm is the big difference between my ENFJ 7w6 friend. She loves everyone, and wants to include everyone pretty much indiscriminately. I am not like that all. If I offer people advice or help and they don't progress I will indeed drop them because it's a waste of my energy, I got only so much to go around, and I don't see the point of it. When it comes to listening and validating emotions in others, that is a very cerebral and intentional process. One I trained myself to automatically do, but I still must do it with intent. I reconigize the importance of it. But, I would never say "we should just let them die." That's uh... borderline sociopathic?

Yeah, it's been a pretty intentional process for me too. My first instinct is to fix! But I've gotten a lot better at loving people where they are and realizing they might not want to change and it's not for me to decide. Depending on their level of functioning/how effectively I can set emotional boundaries I generally try to stick with it.

Hopefully she was kidding... Especially since she is a nurse. I really really really wanted to snarkily quip, "I thought you were against physician assisted suicide?" or "But, what if God decides to heal them later?" :dry: She gets super rigidly Bible-thumper about those things. But, for the sake of conflict avoidance I resisted. Maybe I am growing up after all...
 
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I don't know about ENFJ. What I can say is that, as an extrovert, I don't start conversations if I protect myself for a reason or another.

With strangers, I start conversation because I often notice people are afraid and I feel playful and joyful, and open minded...etc

With people who argue a lot but can be interesting (like some ENTJ:D) I prefer to let them talk, keep my energy and thoughts to myself, and then go straight to the point.

With people I know that all depends of the situation, how I feel with them on the moment...


How do other extroverts react ?

Are ENFJ very observant ?
 

rosemilk

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Oh I hope they don't feel the need to protect themselves. I like listening to them and talking to them so much, and I find them so interesting.
 

BluRoses

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Oh I hope they don't feel the need to protect themselves. I like listening to them and talking to them so much, and I find them so interesting.

Everyone is their own person. I think it's interesting how even within a type (like ENFJ) people can choose to act very differently. I often start conversations with those I am friends with and love, but it is also true that I am aware I need to emotionally protect myself at times also, especially in a new relationship. I have had a couple people who are close friends now, say that I seemed "reserved," when they were first getting to know me and now they think it's funny because I am so bubbly. I think this shows that until ENFJs know you well, they often test the waters, to see if they can trust you enough to show their inner core.

I encourage you to tell the ENFJ as directly as you can that you care about them, or at least that you like it when they initiate conversations. I am sure that they will respond well to you telling them how you feel. If you don't want to say too much, maybe just say, "I really enjoy our conversations, but I have trouble starting them sometimes. What do you want to talk about?" Also a "I enjoy hanging out with you." Would not fall on deaf ears, I'm sure! Good luck! :heart:
 
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