[ENFP] Badly hurt and its my fault

[unic]

Hello everyone,

I currently going through a very hard time and I feel stuck and desperate, talking about it makes me feel better and this is why I'm posting today. Thank you in advance to the people who will take the time to read

I'm an ENFP and I've been living with this ISTP guy for two years now. We met as roommates and became best friends. We were very very close, I don't think I've ever been this close with anyone in my life but nothing romantic has ever happened, I just love him deeply as a friend.
Last year he got a new girlfriend who kind of intruded in our life. We were always together and he told me everything and when she arrived I lost a lot of this. Since its normal, I tried as hard as I could to accept it because well, she's the girlfriend and I'm only the best friend.
In december I found out she was making fun of me for being so attached to him and that he didn't do anything about it. I made a scene to him about it been betrayal and was very sad. They denied everything and things eventually got better. Since like four weeks now, he's been spending all his time with her and another friend and leaving me out completely. Going from "I tell you what I do all day so you know and we find time to see each other at home and have fun" to "I'm home but don't care about seing you, I don't need you anymore I have my girlfriend" hurt me really bad and I'm a very direct person, I told him all this.
I told him that we were growing apart and that since we were living together I was facing it everyday and couldn't avoid feeling hurt and he said he was just fed up of people.
Two days later, nothing had changed and I felt like he was really avoiding me because I'd seen him like two times in the week and it didn't seem to matter to him. We had a very long talk about me being to attached and about the fact that this year was the last of us being roommates. He told me clearly that yes he was avoiding me and fed up of me because I was "making too much drama". His examples were the thing that happened in December and the times I talked to him about us growing appart. I agread that it was my fault and said I was sorry and we ended the conversation really well.

We haven't seen each other since then, it's been three days. We text again but it seems forced like we kind of update each other on what we're doing but none of us asks to see the other. I've been rejected by him too much in the past weeks + the confirmation that he is bored of me to do that, and apparently it doesn't bother him because he doesn't ask either. We're both avoiding each other now.

I felt better after the conversation because things were clear in my head : it's all my fault, I deserved what is happening to me, I'm too emotional, too attached and make too much drama so I had it going for me. I've talked to other friends and they were horrified to see he put all the blame on me and that I'm accepting it.
I'm lost, I'm now convinced I'm the problem. I miss him but know he's fed up of me so I don't want to go back to him because he doesn't care. He still says I'm one of the people he cares the most about and that I'm his best friend and I don't understand how he can say things like this and treat me like I'm insignificant. I'm so hurt, I've been completely honest to him, I told him my feelings and I'm just left here alone, feeling like crap and like I deserved to be abandonned.
All I ever told him is to please not abandon me because I was hurt that we were growing away and now things are worse than ever. Is it really my fault ? Should I just cry and suck it up and it's going to be ok ? I hate myself for having brought this on to me, I wish I wasn't like I am and that I hadn't bored him. I feel completely heartbroken, I don't understand how he can tell me all my flaws and just leave me there because I'm apparently a horrible person and too hard to live with

 

[Qlip]

I'm sorry to hear this unic, it's painful when people drift apart. But, unfortunately this is a pretty normal situation, things drift in and out, things end and begin. I actually had a similar thing happen to me where I was rooming with an ISTP as part as a transition to a city. My name wasn't on the lease, and the arrangement was informal. We got very close and did nearly everything together. Then she essentially kicked my ass to the curb with very little reasoning behind it.

I was too shocked and had way to much shit to deal with to be angry, but after that we didn't speak for months, and I didn't expect to speak with her ever again. As the months have gone by we have very separate lives, but we're friends again and make sure to keep in touch. When I look back, it was a shitty move on her part, but I understand her faults and also of my own faults that were a factor in my eviction. There's no bad blood anymore, and I now know what to expect from our friendship in various situations, having already been tested.

I look very fondly on the times we had together as a chapter in my book. The story goes on.

I suggest you give your roomie room, use your time to make new connections. You may be close again, or this may just be what he's like when he is in a relationship. Either way, you have yourself, be good company. And you have possibility.

 

[unic]

Thank you for your answer. I'm sorry you've been through this too

I guess it will get better with time, I just have to get my mind of it and accept the situation...

 

[kyuuei]

I currently going through a very hard time and I feel stuck and desperate.

I want to preface anything I say with: I do not try to sound mean, or dickish, so I'm sorry if advance if I ever come off that way. Not my intentions. I definitely have gone through this, on more than one occasion.. it is the nature of the beast having male best friends.

Last year he got a new girlfriend who kind of intruded in our life. We were always together and he told me everything and when she arrived I lost a lot of this. Since its normal, I tried as hard as I could to accept it because well, she's the girlfriend and I'm only the best friend.

One of the things many, many, many men do (though I won't say all ever..) is they tend to put all of their eggs in one basket. They have .. convenience friendships. They can be deep, intense, passionate friendships.. but once a new basket is put infront of them, they just start sticking eggs in it instead. Men have a hard time having that duality.. that best friend AND girlfriend relationship. Usually the girlfriend becomes all of those things.

On top of that.. truly, while you were there for him, and a friend, it is difficult to make a new relationship grow and mature when you're still acting.. well.. single. While some things shouldn't be totally tossed out the window, a lot changes in the face of a relationship.

He told me clearly that yes he was avoiding me and fed up of me because I was "making too much drama". His examples were the thing that happened in December and the times I talked to him about us growing appart. I agread that it was my fault and said I was sorry and we ended the conversation really well.

It sounds like you either had feelings for this guy you were covering up.. or you never really sat down and just had a very serious, real talk about what would change between the two of you .. he sort of left you floundering there, and it does suck to have that relationship taken away so suddenly without any head space. But.. I suspect if you were starting drama, that you sort of liked him and never said anything for any number of reasons.

I felt better after the conversation because things were clear in my head : it's all my fault, I deserved what is happening to me, I'm too emotional, too attached and make too much drama so I had it going for me. I've talked to other friends and they were horrified to see he put all the blame on me and that I'm accepting it.

As I am horrified you just accepted this is all your fault. It takes two to tango. Drama free, then suddenly you're full of drama? Sounds like a girlfriend talking through him at you that feel threatened by you.

I'd remind my friend that I was there for him when this girl wasn't.. and that I wasn't 'so much drama' back when he just talked to me straight up.

I'd ask him where he wants these new lines in the sand drawn. What's appropriate for the two of you now? Has he talked to his girlfriend about having a woman for a best friend? Is he avoiding and not caring because HE doesn't care, or because the girlfriend doesn't care for you? How willing is he to have a girlfriend dictate who he does and does not talk to? How willing are you to put up with this attitude of I-only-talk-to-you-when-I-need-you-and-forget-about-when-you-need-me?

There's a lot of serious talking that needs to be done, without being emotionally charged.. I'd really meditate on what YOU can handle.. what realistically you expect of a best friend.. a friend in general... and from yourself. Where you stand, how you feel, when hurt emotions aren't clouding your mind.

Space and distance are the name of the game early on. My male friends and I interact differently when I'm in a relationship vs when I'm single in general. And the other way around of course. It is natural for that to ebb and flow. And I'd expect a certain amount of 'I'm not confessing everything to you anymore' either because well, that's sort of the girlfriend's role. It's natural for a guy to have a chick friend to replace a 'girlfriend' with when single, and the other way around, but you lack a replacement dude in this equation... so naturally you're losing out more than he is. I bet he'd be a little hurt by sudden distance if the tables were turned.

But it is NOT okay for someone you're dating to make fun of a best friend. It is NOT okay to say ' Yes this is your fault and I'm avoiding you because drama' without even TALKING to someone about the drama they're causing to try and fix it. Those are sort of immature cowardly ways to dealing with things. Instead of avoidance, communication needs to be MORE open during those times. Even if you did cause a bunch of drama, your track record alone should be calling for more respect and questions than this avoidance talk. Seriously sounds like the girlfriend isn't diggin' ya, and this dude's being a bit of a spineless coward in dealing with that issue.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Hello everyone,

I currently going through a very hard time and I feel stuck and desperate, talking about it makes me feel better and this is why I'm posting today. Thank you in advance to the people who will take the time to read

I'm an ENFP and I've been living with this ISTP guy for two years now. We met as roommates and became best friends. We were very very close, I don't think I've ever been this close with anyone in my life but nothing romantic has ever happened, I just love him deeply as a friend.
Last year he got a new girlfriend who kind of intruded in our life. We were always together and he told me everything and when she arrived I lost a lot of this. Since its normal, I tried as hard as I could to accept it because well, she's the girlfriend and I'm only the best friend.
In december I found out she was making fun of me for being so attached to him and that he didn't do anything about it. I made a scene to him about it been betrayal and was very sad. They denied everything and things eventually got better. Since like four weeks now, he's been spending all his time with her and another friend and leaving me out completely. Going from "I tell you what I do all day so you know and we find time to see each other at home and have fun" to "I'm home but don't care about seing you, I don't need you anymore I have my girlfriend" hurt me really bad and I'm a very direct person, I told him all this.
I told him that we were growing apart and that since we were living together I was facing it everyday and couldn't avoid feeling hurt and he said he was just fed up of people.
Two days later, nothing had changed and I felt like he was really avoiding me because I'd seen him like two times in the week and it didn't seem to matter to him. We had a very long talk about me being to attached and about the fact that this year was the last of us being roommates. He told me clearly that yes he was avoiding me and fed up of me because I was "making too much drama". His examples were the thing that happened in December and the times I talked to him about us growing appart. I agread that it was my fault and said I was sorry and we ended the conversation really well.

We haven't seen each other since then, it's been three days. We text again but it seems forced like we kind of update each other on what we're doing but none of us asks to see the other. I've been rejected by him too much in the past weeks + the confirmation that he is bored of me to do that, and apparently it doesn't bother him because he doesn't ask either. We're both avoiding each other now.

I felt better after the conversation because things were clear in my head : it's all my fault, I deserved what is happening to me, I'm too emotional, too attached and make too much drama so I had it going for me. I've talked to other friends and they were horrified to see he put all the blame on me and that I'm accepting it.
I'm lost, I'm now convinced I'm the problem. I miss him but know he's fed up of me so I don't want to go back to him because he doesn't care. He still says I'm one of the people he cares the most about and that I'm his best friend and I don't understand how he can say things like this and treat me like I'm insignificant. I'm so hurt, I've been completely honest to him, I told him my feelings and I'm just left here alone, feeling like crap and like I deserved to be abandonned.
All I ever told him is to please not abandon me because I was hurt that we were growing away and now things are worse than ever. Is it really my fault ? Should I just cry and suck it up and it's going to be ok ? I hate myself for having brought this on to me, I wish I wasn't like I am and that I hadn't bored him. I feel completely heartbroken, I don't understand how he can tell me all my flaws and just leave me there because I'm apparently a horrible person and too hard to live with

Ok. Well first of all, it's not your fault. Like, I don't get why you would say that. It's not an issue of fault or blame.

I do think you and he had intimacy. Like, an emotional affair. I also think you have deeper feelings than you may realize. Which is perhaps why the current girlfriend had you on her radar and was being snarky and rude.

He is in a no win situation and was probably being pulled in two directions. Finally, siding with his girlfriend (which was the correct decision, imo). It's a shame he couldn't have kept your friendship but the way your post reads, I think things got way too heavy and intense for that to happen.

Don't be so down on yourself, though. Really no need for that. Just think you may want to disperse some of that 'need for intimacy' into a couple different people or outlets so all that pressure isn't felt and you won't get so disappointed if something fades away.

You might want to introspect about your fear of abandonment? It's coming across super heavy and you are really beating yourself up. That's not normal and it isn't helpful for you. Take care of yourself.

 

[unic]

Thank your for your answers. I'm having trouble quoting both posts, don't know why but I'll try to answer everything

He's never been single since I've know him but he was with a long distance girlfriend before so I didn't feel her intruding on our friendship. I actually quite liked her and vice versa. I do have feelings for him but I've never had any romantic or physical attraction to him so it's like I really love him as a friend or even a brother, but I know I'm not in love with him. We were very very close before all this, and I know it was a bit abnormal but we've really lost all of it now and thats what hurts. He took everything at once, I feel like I'm rebuilding my life and trying to get past the hurt, I'm closer to other friends because I can't confide to him anymore and I'm letting this guy that is clearly interested in me closer but its still very hard to deal with the fact that he's still here, only not with me anymore.

His girlfriend does not like me, it's a fact. A lot of my friends dislike her as well and I've tried to make things better with her by apologizing for the things I could have done wrong (there have been troubles but as a group, not particularly me) but she just reacted poorly and made things worse. He still speaks to me though, I think he's trying not to take part there so I guess I've got that going....

I know it must not only my fault but he seems so convinced of it that I can't help but agree and feel sorry for myself because I brought it on to me. This situation really sucks because part of me is so hurt that I want to move on and part of me just wants or friendship back.

You're right, I've always been there for him, I've been an awesome friend, I hate him for not realizing this and shutting me off like that, I'm just kind of waiting for this girl to get out of his life again and him to realize he's lost me when I tried to do everything I could to be there for him.

Ok. Well first of all, it's not your fault. Like, I don't get why you would say that. It's not an issue of fault or blame.

I do think you and he had intimacy. Like, an emotional affair. I also think you have deeper feelings than you may realize. Which is perhaps why the current girlfriend had you on her radar and was being snarky and rude.

He is in a no win situation and was probably being pulled in two directions. Finally, siding with his girlfriend (which was the correct decision, imo). It's a shame he couldn't have kept your friendship but the way your post reads, I think things got way too heavy and intense for that to happen.

Don't be so down on yourself, though. Really no need for that. Just think you may want to disperse some of that 'need for intimacy' into a couple different people or outlets so all that pressure isn't felt and you won't get so disappointed if something fades away.

You might want to introspect about your fear of abandonment? It's coming across super heavy and you are really beating yourself up. That's not normal and it isn't helpful for you. Take care of yourself.

I've answered a lot of this above since your opinions are similar. I know it's normal for him to choose his girlfriend but I never asked him to choose. He could be giving everyone some time to be with him if he really wanted it, I really feel as if I've been an awful person to live with, I've been choking him with all my affection and he just wants out.

I'm trying really hard to reach out and get closer to other people. It's working and it helps to have other people to talk to but I guess it will take time until I can say that I'm not hurt by the fact he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore and share things with me, and actually mean it.

I don't know why I'm scared of losing people so bad, but it's the first time I've let someone in so much and since it wasn't romantic or anything, just the best friendship ever, I was convinced it could never ends because friendships are for ever right? I guess not This boy that likes me is slowly approaching and I'm letting him but I allready know I'm not going to let myself get attached to someone again so soon, not after what I'm living right now because it's the worst feeling ever. He knew me and he still says he adores me but if thats true he's the worst at showing it.

The people I've talked about this to say he's selfish. Sometimes I'm angry at him for what he's doing to me. I don't think he even realizes it. Most of the time I'm just sad because it doesn't imply to blame someone but myself.

I sound so depressing, I guess I just really need to vent, I can't wait till something happens and I just don't feel like this anymore.

Thank you sincerely for having taken the time to read and respond.

 

[xenaprincess]

hugs! Sounds like you've gotten very good advice already.

I've been on both sides, the role of the girlfriend and having my best male friend get married. As the girlfriend, I was needlessly insecure around my then bf's female friend. With my best male friend, he found his match, got married and disappeared from my life, after years of very close platonic friendship.

I think being able to 'talk about how a new relationship might impact your friendship' is very idealistic. It requires a mature and open personality on his part. When did this new relationship start, and how old is he? 'Last year' is not so long ago. If this guy were in his mid-30s and if you were not sharing the same living space, it would be a different story. Since you are living there, it is particularly awkward. If you were living apart, he could then see you and/or call you on his own time.

Please stop considering yourself an awful person to live with. I agree that you should get out and meet new people. Give them space, and give yourself space to mend!

 

[KitchenFly]

ISTP' can be funny people in the way they think experience and see the would and how they like to orientate there drive through it.

They seem to like to feel alive and connected as they orientate there way through the day so to say, in there care free days. And making the best of what is at hand is well good and smart thinking seems to me to be there logic.

Having said that not all ISTP's are so orientated they can come in six varieties but the ISTP. Friend you are describing seems to be much into the freedom of his S-P energy to support his I - T drive.

It sounds like unic that you were in love with him in a plutonic fashion, witch is wearied because I would have thought as a ENFP you would have through thrown him out of the house within a few weeks if he didn't rise to his end of the deal of being a close friend,. But that kinda play must not have been part of the attraction within your friend ship relationship.

Their is am interesting thing I have witnessed and that is that sometime and well it happens often as we mature and travel through our young years, we are attracted to forming friend ships with people who have as a dominate function one of our less dominant functions and we spend time inter ate time with the other who may have the same thing an interest in learning about the energy they recognised in you that they needed to learn about or more understand or develop.

Your a ENFP and he an ISTP much to develop. Visa versa so to say.

And if you where a 4w3 and he a 3w4 there would be more or as much to learn from the other side of the seesaw..

So there it is my thoughts, my recommendations ... Learn to lift your model finger proudly into the air and tel him and his skanky woe to move on and move out, he could be using you to run the house and make it all homily for him and his I-T laziness and S - P easy traveling style and what ever girl friend and her skank-ow life style ways.

Get out there and find your self a real ,, wink wink roommate.. That knows the rules and how to please a good looking young happening ENFP funky lady.

Good luck with your resolution, one door closes and another door opens.

Cheers

 

[Fidelia]

You didn't do anything wrong. I think you've already gotten some good advice here.

Unfortunately, male-female friendships usually have a temporary shelf life, at least at a very close level. Either one or the other develops an interest that goes beyond friendship, or else one person gets together with someone else. Men tend to be somewhat single-minded and as mentioned before, tend to put all of their emotional efforts into one primary person instead of spreading it around a little more. In addition, being emotional close to another person is not conducive to the significant other feeling secure in the relationship, particularly at the beginning of the romance, when other people have more history with the person in question than the bf or gf does.

It is normal for the significant other to feel a little threatened, particularly if there is emotional intimacy between the two friends. How an SO handles that varies, depending on character, their own level of security and so on. The route she chose wasn't that kind.

As someone who is single and 38, I have had many male friends, and have simple accepted that the friendship is something to enjoy for that particular space of time, but all friendships (even same sex ones) continue to change as both people's life circumstances change. That doesn't mean that the friendship didn't matter, but rather that it can't continue on in exactly the same way indefinitely. I have friends with young children that I still love dearly, but rarely see, or cannot talk to regularly because their primary responsibilities involve their work, their husband and children, their extended family and their community. It is not the same as when we were first teaching and spent Saturdays sampling food at Costco or hanging out together, and that's okay. Some of my male friends have wanted to continue a regular phone/email correspondence after they were married, and I have chosen to distance myself because in the opposite circumstances, I would not feel comfortable with my husband (or father) often contacting someone he used to like or date even if I trusted him and was not a jealous person. At the very least, the relationship can only get so close anyway (any connection is always either deepening or becoming more distant - you can't just freeze it at a convenient amount of intimacy), and his emotional efforts are needed first elsewhere. I've kept in touch from time to time, but not in the way that we would if we were both single.

For that reason, it is important to have a balance of different types of friendships in your life with a variety of ages/gender etc represented, so that you are not left high and dry when a particular relationship has to change to accommodate new circumstances, and also so there are friends who occupy different roles and fulfill different kinds of needs in your life (and vice-versa).

In your friend's case, he is not particularly comfortable at communicating that he values you, but that the relationship is going to be different. However, I think he is making the right call in making that change. Sometimes there simply isn't enough time or emotional energy to be that close to more than one person, without it being a relationship that is family or work-related. That's not a comment on your value, nor on his bad priorities.

What makes you feel that it is your fault is that he didn't communicate up front with you and suggested indirectly that you were foolish for feeling as close as you did (which you weren't wrong to do - he had given you every reason to believe that you were an important part of his life and you sincerely cared about him). Sometimes when people are most insecure or unsure, they can seem very rejecting of the people around them, when it is really their own problem in communicating openly and effectively. Instead of being up front, he went the route of avoidance, or silence when his gf was making fun of you valuing the relationship so much. I think that indicates inexperience/immaturity in communication more than reflecting that you have no value to him.

Things will get better! Hang in there! It may take awhile for things to shake out satisfactorily, and you may have to adjust some of your expectations about what friendship entails, but you'll be okay!

 

[xenaprincess]

^^Wonderfully thoughtful post! ^^