The function stack that INFJs have make it very hard for them to see themselves in a removed or objective way, but unless it is very personal or something they care about a lot, are pretty good at observing patterns in an almost scientific sense, and they enjoy studying and understand people. For this reason, they are often thought to be kind of hypocritical at times, especially under stress, even though I don't think it is consciously done. In general, for handling any kind of conflict, they tend to require enough time to feel removed from the situation that they feel they can be more objective. Often by then, it is too late to deal with, or it was a little enough thing that they don't really notice how frustrated they are until they see a long term pattern and are too frustrated to continue on, instead of dealing with things in the moment and putting sufficient importance on their feelings so that they don't become controlled by unconscious feelings that they have ignored or tried to talk themselves out of in an effort to be reasonable and objective. For me, I've found it incredibly helpful to try to express more, even if I'm not sure if it is valid, and also to be more up front about my preferences and needs so that I don't become resentful of over accommodating without any reciprocation. I think also because they find it hard to sort through all of those feelings and figure out what to do about them, they can become overly preoccupied with preventing problems or sucking up inconvenience themselves rather than encountering negative emotional surprises that they weren't prepared for. Sometimes that is to the detriment of developing skills to deal with other people in a more honest and direct way, accommodating to the point of it becoming inconvenient or controlling feeling to others, learning to think on their feet, or even being able to know themselves how they feel. As I've gotten better at knowing what my own needs are and not being unreasonably accommodating, it has allowed me not to weigh what I've done vs what others have in my own head, and also to not have lag time figuring out what I feel or how to act when I see someone next. I would imagine that is also much easier for others if they can count on me expressing if there is a problem, rather than hoping they will observe some kind of unwritten rules of reciprocation. I'm not perfect at it, but honestly, it took a long time to even figure out how to go at making some changes that would benefit me and those around me, even though I'm generally pretty good at reading people and understanding the dynamics between them.
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