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[INFP] INFPs: How you fell into affection?

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm curious mostly about female INFPs but males are welcome to comment, or anyone else really.

I think I am asking about a really large subject matter though.
I wanted to know experiences you've had as a INFP falling in love. Or having a crush on someone. Starting a relationship. Going out. Dating. That sort of stuff. The "affection" subject.
How did you act?
Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?
How about how you treated them?
Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.
Were you their friend first?
We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person.
What about walls? I think everyone knows what I mean by walls. Emotional walls. Relationship walls. Distancing yourself from others not on a physical level but a deeper level.
Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?
Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?

That's a lot of questions I realize, but no one has to answer them all. Just hit one, or two, or even none and just comment on your experiences.

Actually I'm mostly interested in INFPs experiences in that area more so than having my questions answered...
Mainly more than anything else, how you acted.
Thanks.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
Ok, I chose some of them to answer...

Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?

Observe mostly, but if I see she's interested, I change attitude, but not to something I would call "aggressive", or "pursue".

Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.

If she's not my friend in the first place, I seem to have tendency to be less myself. If she's a friend, I am more me, because she already knows how I am.

Were you their friend first?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. If yes, there is more trust on my part, but if no, there is stronger physical attraction, so it usually ends up actually in a relationship...

What about walls?

Usually I feel like there is distance, and that makes me think about what is causing it. While doing this I build the distance even more because thinking makes me less spontaneous.

Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?

I open up quite easily, but usually get hurt while doing it. Still I think its so important to open up that I just have to.
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
How did you act?
Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?
How about how you treated them?
Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends?
Were you their friend first?
We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person?
Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?
Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?.

I would quietly observe and wait for them to interact with me.
I would treat them very well. I would be interested, accommodating, playful, curious, engaged, caring.
Friends first. Always.
I would not initiate interaction, but I would always make time for them if they wanted to talk/do something. Even if it's 6 in the morning. Lol. Oh the memories.
Walls come down.
I would like to discuss complex things.
 

placebo

New member
Joined
May 11, 2008
Messages
492
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm curious mostly about female INFPs but males are welcome to comment, or anyone else really.

I think I am asking about a really large subject matter though.
I wanted to know experiences you've had as a INFP falling in love. Or having a crush on someone. Starting a relationship. Going out. Dating. That sort of stuff. The "affection" subject.
How did you act?
Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?
How about how you treated them?
Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.
Were you their friend first?
We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person.
What about walls? I think everyone knows what I mean by walls. Emotional walls. Relationship walls. Distancing yourself from others not on a physical level but a deeper level.
Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?
Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?

That's a lot of questions I realize, but no one has to answer them all. Just hit one, or two, or even none and just comment on your experiences.

Actually I'm mostly interested in INFPs experiences in that area more so than having my questions answered...
Mainly more than anything else, how you acted.
Thanks.

I've crushed on people but I've never ever pursued. Never seen the opportunity to as I've never crushed on someone who was a friend before and I could never be charming or gutsy enough to aggressively pursue someone farther that. I've ended up just going into one relationship, with someone I wasn't really close with in the first place who pursued me, as a really short thing for the heck of it. Maybe just because of who it was but I didn't really know how to treat him, like...differently from anyone else. I mean I treat all my friends kind of differently because they're all different people, but he didn't really get anything special besides more physical affection. I did have my walls up, I always do, and they're hard to break down, and he didn't know how to get me to open up and I didn't really know how to do it myself either. So anyway, I kinda always knew that was going to be short-lived. I've never been in love yet with someone who's in love with me, but I know it's possible. :cool: And I would love to discuss complex things with my friends but most are never really up for it and I end up thinking about things when I'm alone. :yes:
 

Dwigie

New member
Joined
Aug 25, 2008
Messages
658
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm curious mostly about female INFPs but males are welcome to comment, or anyone else really.

I think I am asking about a really large subject matter though.
I wanted to know experiences you've had as a INFP falling in love. Or having a crush on someone. Starting a relationship. Going out. Dating. That sort of stuff. The "affection" subject.
How did you act?
Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?
How about how you treated them?
Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.
Were you their friend first?
We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person.
What about walls? I think everyone knows what I mean by walls. Emotional walls. Relationship walls. Distancing yourself from others not on a physical level but a deeper level.
Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?
Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?

That's a lot of questions I realize, but no one has to answer them all. Just hit one, or two, or even none and just comment on your experiences.

Actually I'm mostly interested in INFPs experiences in that area more so than having my questions answered...
Mainly more than anything else, how you acted.
Thanks.

I never make the first move, I am way too shy and afraid of rejection. I treat them very well, extremely giving and attentive the "shoulder to cry on". I kind of baby people I like(emotionally, I'd never give gifts..) I tend to like to talk about how people are "character", what's going on in the world and how it's affecting for example a minority etc..I like my topics to have a "humane" impact. I'd never talk about stocks or science for example, unless again we trace back to how it affects people. I never really display emotion even if I have a huge crush on someone, although I get very awkward and quiet, even bein aggressive to them (immature..)It's usually out of fear of being hurt, I hate being hurt and I hate hurting others as well. The person I liked never knew...:D
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
Joined
Jun 23, 2008
Messages
6,880
MBTI Type
xNFP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I would quietly observe and wait for them to interact with me.
I would treat them very well. I would be interested, accommodating, playful, curious, engaged, caring.
Friends first. Always.
I would not initiate interaction, but I would always make time for them if they wanted to talk/do something. Even if it's 6 in the morning. Lol. Oh the memories.
Walls come down.
I would like to discuss complex things.

Wow, that's great. I those are the keys to a good relationship. :D As long as you don't let the other person burn you out (sometimes you can be too good, and some people take advantage). Assuming you have a healthy relationship that is based on love and respect - wow! Kudos for you!!! :hug:

Oh yeah, but I see one problem: What if the other person is interested in you but is too shy? What do you do then???
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
Wow, that's great. I those are the keys to a good relationship. :D As long as you don't let the other person burn you out (sometimes you can be too good, and some people take advantage). Assuming you have a healthy relationship that is based on love and respect - wow! Kudos for you!!! :hug:

Oh yeah, but I see one problem: What if the other person is interested in you but is too shy? What do you do then???

I was only answering the questions in the OP. Keys to a good relationship would make a good thread.

I am no stranger to
sometimes you can be too good, and some people take advantage

If someone I am interested in is shy, I don't see a problem with that.. it's very cute. It's not like I'm going anywhere, so they can take their time getting to know me in the way that is most comfortable for them. I'm receptive.
 

arcticangel02

To the top of the world
Joined
Oct 5, 2007
Messages
892
MBTI Type
eNFP
So I'm not quite an INFP (I don't think), but I thought it'd be interesting to try and answer as well.

How did you act? Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?

If I have a crush on someone, I do go out of my way to talk to them and often am more talkative than normally. It's like I want to show off my best side, and I guess I seem to do that by interacting a great deal with that person. I seem to be braver than normal, and stuff like that. At the same time, I do try to be subtle about it.

However, if I'm getting the impression that they like me (usually when I don't like them back, but sometimes even when I do), I withdraw almost entirely and distance myself emotionally. It scares me somehow and I don't really know how to deal with it.

How about how you treated them? Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.

Um, a bit nicer I suppose. It's like I'm on my best behaviour, especially when I'm first trying to impress. I do treat them normally pretty soon after things settle down.

Were you their friend first?

I've not been in that situation, but I suppose it could be possible. Or just really awkward.

We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person.

If I'm interested, I will try and do my best to let you know without stating it outright - it's like I become a good friend all of a sudden. But subtly. I wait for them to come back at me with affection before I let that part of my feelings out.

What about walls? I think everyone knows what I mean by walls. Emotional walls. Relationship walls. Distancing yourself from others not on a physical level but a deeper level.

I do it too easily, distancing myself quite completely under the pretence of friendly affability. I'm starting to learn how to relax that iron-tight grip and let people in. I think. Mostly I just need time to get my head around the idea and move slowly.

Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?

I trust pretty easily, but still there's a little part of me that is always detatched and seperate - I've never had a relationship long enough to let go of that.

Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?

Nothing invigorates me quite like an intense converstion about something like that. :)

Another random point - I seem to overthink things and get tense and unsure when I'm by myself, considering the situation. But once I'm around that person, it all comes together easily and everything's much easier than anticipated. :)


And, just because I have to - "ooooh, Digital likes an INFP!"
 

Roheline

New member
Joined
Aug 27, 2008
Messages
14
MBTI Type
INfP
I wanted to know experiences you've had as a INFP falling in love. Or having a crush on someone. Starting a relationship. Going out. Dating. That sort of stuff. The "affection" subject.
How did you act?
Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?
How about how you treated them?
Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.
Were you their friend first?
We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person.
What about walls? I think everyone knows what I mean by walls. Emotional walls. Relationship walls. Distancing yourself from others not on a physical level but a deeper level.
Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?
Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?

My case was probably not typical, since it was (and still is) my first love. We were not friends first, but as we were working and living in nearly constant proximity, we had a month of just flirting before anything really happened. I was somewhat shy but I definitely did not avoid interaction. I think my natural introversion must have been at least somewhat confusing, as he tells me he thought I disliked him when we first met. I mostly remember being scared silly and blushing whenever he entered the room.

As for walls, I think that has always been something of an issue between us, and might be the reason our relationship progressed so slowly in the beginning. Eventually he started asking me to express my feelings without much warning and I would just freeze up. Part of it was fear of being hurt, fear that if I expressed my innermost, most important convictions he would laugh or worse, simply not understand. I believe that if we had not lived in close proximity for such a long time, we probably would not have gotten to know each other, as different as our personality types are (INFP vs ESTJ).
 

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
My case was probably not typical, since it was (and still is) my first love. We were not friends first, but as we were working and living in nearly constant proximity, we had a month of just flirting before anything really happened. I was somewhat shy but I definitely did not avoid interaction. I think my natural introversion must have been at least somewhat confusing, as he tells me he thought I disliked him when we first met. I mostly remember being scared silly and blushing whenever he entered the room.

As for walls, I think that has always been something of an issue between us, and might be the reason our relationship progressed so slowly in the beginning. Eventually he started asking me to express my feelings without much warning and I would just freeze up. Part of it was fear of being hurt, fear that if I expressed my innermost, most important convictions he would laugh or worse, simply not understand. I believe that if we had not lived in close proximity for such a long time, we probably would not have gotten to know each other, as different as our personality types are (INFP vs ESTJ).

That's a sweet story, thanks for sharing it. I found that part very interesting.
 

Rogue

New member
Joined
Aug 10, 2008
Messages
141
MBTI Type
ENFP
I would quietly observe and wait for them to interact with me.
I would treat them very well. I would be interested, accommodating, playful, curious, engaged, caring.
Friends first. Always.
I would not initiate interaction, but I would always make time for them if they wanted to talk/do something. Even if it's 6 in the morning. Lol. Oh the memories.
Walls come down.
I would like to discuss complex things.

I am probably not going to be any help at all, but this post struck me...
I posted before that I am an ENFP and I made an INFP friend. He was soo nice at first. Then just started getting mean, calling me names, and he treated everyone else in our group better than me. He gave them all his text# except me! (oh we were just online friends) recently I needed some understanding friends....and he just left! He wat in contact with the others through text but not me.

He finally came back after 5 days like nothing happened! I mentioned what upset me. And he went off. saying he knows I dont have the number and he doesnt have to give it to everyone! and for me to get the F*** over it! then he told me to Get Lost...my words were poison.!

I quoted the above person because how can that INFP be soooo awesome sounding and my friend so cold and heartless?

Is that whats happening to you Digital? Im so confused!
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
Some people are just jerks that don't deserve your energy, emotions, and time. Sounds like you've got one of those on your hands, rogue.
 

INA

now! in shell form
Joined
Jun 6, 2008
Messages
3,195
MBTI Type
intp
I quoted the above person because how can that INFP be soooo awesome sounding and my friend so cold and heartless?
INFPs are usually Fi dominant, I believe.
Fi =/= Fe. Being a royal piece of shit to others is not contraindicated.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
INFPs are usually Fi dominant, I believe.
Fi =/= Fe. Being a royal piece of shit to others is not contraindicated.

It definitely is not a contradition. I have no problem being a cold bastard when around people I just don't want to deal with. Fi means my values are my rules, society can kiss my ass; thankfully some of us are nice about it, though.
 

heart

heart on fire
Joined
May 19, 2007
Messages
8,456
I am probably not going to be any help at all, but this post struck me...
I posted before that I am an ENFP and I made an INFP friend. He was soo nice at first. Then just started getting mean, calling me names, and he treated everyone else in our group better than me. He gave them all his text# except me! (oh we were just online friends) recently I needed some understanding friends....and he just left! He wat in contact with the others through text but not me.

He finally came back after 5 days like nothing happened! I mentioned what upset me. And he went off. saying he knows I dont have the number and he doesnt have to give it to everyone! and for me to get the F*** over it! then he told me to Get Lost...my words were poison.!

I quoted the above person because how can that INFP be soooo awesome sounding and my friend so cold and heartless?

Is that whats happening to you Digital? Im so confused!

The personality type thing is just for preferences for cognitive functions. Doesn't preclude any type from being a jerk or jackass, might affect the way it is expressed though. Sorry you met a weirdo.
 

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
Is that whats happening to you Digital? Im so confused!

Is what what happened to me?
You mean did I have something similar happen to me like you had happen between your friend?
Not exactly. Not really.
...If that is what you were asking.
 

Noel

Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
613
MBTI Type
INFP
Male INFP - Female ENTJ

How did you act?
She approached me.

Did you aggressively pursue the person, or did you quietly observe them?
At first, quietly observe. She was just as dismayed that me that we engaged in small talk whilst cramming as much booze down our throats to make up for it. Later that night we went out 80's dancing and she had more drinks at the bar. I was dancing the night away (I was under 21, so I needed to pregame extensively) and suddenly she grabbed me and started making out with me. Several days went by and decided to call her to see her again. We went on a date and we've been interested in each other since.

How about how you treated them?
At first, we treated each other as a 'friends with benefits' relationship for about a year. Once she moved back, we decided to embark on establishing a more serious relationship.

Did you treat them better/worse than your normal friends, or did you generally treat them the same as your normal friends.
Since she's in the circle of friends, I treat her the same way as everyone in that realm: giving, caring, honest, respectful, understanding. She does has the benefit of expressing and demonstrating my love for her. Friends are quite precious to me.

Were you their friend first?
I recognized her existence. We're in Speech and Debate and I do not recall ever saying a word to her.

We're you shy and avoided interaction? Or did you always make time to try to be with that person.
When we were 'friends with benefits', she was taking a full semester of classes so we made time together.

What about walls? I think everyone knows what I mean by walls. Emotional walls. Relationship walls. Distancing yourself from others not on a physical level but a deeper level.
Prior to establishing a relationship, I felt that both of us wanted to go in that direction but couldn't due to the physical distance between us (Utah - D.C). We're starting to become invested in each other and we decided to 'break it off'. We broke it off but maintained a good rapport between us over the phone.

Did you let your walls come down, or did you wait and get to know the person, to be able to trust that they won't hurt you, or something else, before you opened up?
One of the biggest walls we both had was that wall called love. We were hesitant to say 'I love you' to one another because we both believed that people over use that word (especially in the English language) thus, its meaning had no weight. We're both feeling it, I could tell, but we weren't ready. I had a really bad night of poker, dropping almost fifty-sixty dollars an acquaintance's house and had a lot of alcohol in me. After I blew it all, we went home in my car. She was trying to make me feel better using sarcasm, I didn't understand at the time that she was doing that and told her she was making me feel worse. She became very upset because I 'didn't' get her as a person and almost broke up with me right then. We made it home and started talking in the car. She, extremely nervous, said "I love you Noel". I was stunned. I said I love you to her and we went to sleep.

A few months down the road, she began trying to commit a self-sabotage upon our relationship. She started doing this because she has never let anyone in as close as me and she was scared I may hurt her. I understood what she was going through and let her know that I was here for her. It took about two months for her to say to me, "Noel, I'm not afraid anymore".

Do you prefer to think and discuss complex things with friends, or do you generally think deep when your alone?
I like to think and discuss complex things alone. When I feel comfortable about that idea coming out into the external world, I'll vocalize it. I've been working on my ability to clearly and succinctly express an idea, so I'm not tuned out by the lady or my best friend (INTP).
 

Rogue

New member
Joined
Aug 10, 2008
Messages
141
MBTI Type
ENFP
Is what what happened to me?
You mean did I have something similar happen to me like you had happen between your friend?
Not exactly. Not really.
...If that is what you were asking.


oh, woops! uh....sorry!
 
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