[ENFP] ENFPs and perception of "well-likedness"

[Anja]

My ENFP daughter brings a glow into the room with her when she arrives. Lots of charisma.

She doesn't appear aware of it. And shrugs when I've mentioned it to her.

There was a time when she was younger that she used her charm to manipulate others and she was very good at it. I think that she has released that habit with time - using others to her advantage. But she is very capable of influencing life events to benefit herself and those around her. I think that is a great deal of her appeal.

There was a time when others' attraction to her became a nuisance to her and she became avoidant, disappearing from peoples' lives for several months at a time. I think it was just overwhelming to her and she hadn't learned how to handle it well.

She prefers the company of several soul-mate type friends but everywhere she goes it seems like people know her and holler out to her.

I've actually opened my checkbook, with pictures of my kids in it in places and had the cashier glance over and say, "Hey! I know her!" And I think, "I imagine so."

I started noticing this about her when she was a toddler shopping with me.

 

[Hexis]

I think im one of the few ENFPs that has more "depth" than "breadth" when it comes to casual relationships. I use to not be, and I was usually well liked (as in more than the average person), most of this stemed souly from first impressions and chance encounters. But I grew to realise that yes these people like me but when I would try to push things farther or grow a more in depth relation with them I end up getting hurt in the long run. Cause the impression I left was "hey thats the cool guy who is always at the partys" or some such, and people just like being around people like that by happenstance but wouldnt really go out of there way to hang out with.

So in the past year or so ive subconsciously grown to be more of a dick or ass at all social gathererings. I guess as a kind of defense mechanism to weed out all the pricks who wouldnt want me as a friend in the first place.

Sorry if none of that made sense im really tired right now lol and I think I might have started rambling, oh well.

 

[phoenix13]

My ENFP daughter brings a glow into the room with her when she arrives. Lots of charisma.

She doesn't appear aware of it. And shrugs when I've mentioned it to her.

There was a time when she was younger that she used her charm to manipulate others and she was very good at it. I think that she has released that habit with time - using others to her advantage. But she is very capable of influencing life events to benefit herself and those around her. I think that is a great deal of her appeal.

There was a time when others' attraction to her became a nuisance to her and she became avoidant, disappearing from peoples' lives for several months at a time. I think it was just overwhelming to her and she hadn't learned how to handle it well.

She prefers the company of several soul-mate type friends but everywhere she goes it seems like people know her and holler out to her.

I've actually opened my checkbook, with pictures of my kids in it in places and had the cashier glance over and say, "Hey! I know her!" And I think, "I imagine so."

I started noticing this about her when she was a toddler shopping with me.

Holy. Crap. I'm not haughty or a narcissist, but that rings true to me entirely... particularly the avoidance part. While I don't feel like people are knocking over chairs to touch the corner of my robe, I do feel that people always want something from me... The infamous ENFP spark brightens peoples' lives, and that's what they're after. Unfortunately, that's all they're after, and that makes me feel like a whore. I'm not a friggin' heroin fix that you can just shoot up whenever you're felling bored or down! Wow, I'm getting vulgar. I think it's time to sleep.

 

[BlownAway]

I think im one of the few ENFPs that has more "depth" than "breadth" when it comes to casual relationships. I use to not be, and I was usually well liked (as in more than the average person), most of this stemed souly from first impressions and chance encounters. But I grew to realise that yes these people like me but when I would try to push things farther or grow a more in depth relation with them I end up getting hurt in the long run. Cause the impression I left was "hey thats the cool guy who is always at the partys" or some such, and people just like being around people like that by happenstance but wouldnt really go out of there way to hang out with.

So in the past year or so ive subconsciously grown to be more of a dick or ass at all social gathererings. I guess as a kind of defense mechanism to weed out all the pricks who wouldnt want me as a friend in the first place.

Sorry if none of that made sense im really tired right now lol and I think I might have started rambling, oh well.

It did make sense..understand what you mean..and I've had similar experiences. I do think ENFP:s get misunderstood quite a lot..we appear "bubbly" and energetic, socializing..making people laugh. Bot most don't see the deeper side, the profoundness. I had a wide range of acquaintances when younger, and now I only have very few close friends. They're all strong iNtuitives. I ended up realizing that most people liked me in a casual way, but they didn't actually see the real me. Have the same trouble with men haha , they're always so in to me at first..but after a while they don't understand me and think I'm weird... That does not go for male ENFP:s though .

 

[Mighty Mouse]

Right now I work in a dept that is 99% introverted. I stick out big time. (Most of them are in the ISTJ type.)

I don't know if I can say I am popular in the sense that I am well liked as much as in this case I am an oddity for them.

Interestingly enough, they don't go out of their way to talk to me since they are introverts and tend to keep to others they know better (I'm fairly new to this dept) but whenever there is any project or event that needs a leader chosen, I am asked automatically. Even at times where it doesn't make sense because I haven't been there long enough to know how things are supposed to be done. I am still "chosen" usually before I even get to put in a word in edgewise...

 

[Anja]

Several here have touched on the issue of authenticity. And I think that is an important thing for ENFPs. It can be confusing to wield so much influence over others. Being a focus for attention can carry a burden with it.

I know that my daughter sometimes feels that people want to draw that energy from her for themselves. She calls it "emotional vampirism." Heh. And I know that she has sometimes felt uncomfortable with others' neediness for her attentions.

Her heart is a good one and it tugged on her to try to "fix" people and in the way that they wanted her to do it.

That did cause confusion for her growing up. But she was also very aware of that at an early age. More so than most young people in general I think.

I was impressed and surprised when, one day at about eighteen years of age, she told me of what a struggle it was for her to be her true self with all the adoration (my word) attention and the pressure that she sometimes felt to fill others' needs.

She strives for authenticity. It is a strong need to be her "real self." I'm making a guess that that would be a common goal for most ENFPs.

As most people, she has a dark side. And it is enormous and very frightening both to her and to those who have encountered it. I haven't seen it for years now but it always cracks me up when people praise her to my face and I think, "You should've seen what I've seen!"

I know that with the personal power that she carries she's needed to do a greal deal of work on getting to know herself and how to tread lightly with her ability to influence.

And another thing she's had to learn to do is to say "no" to people without having to explode or run away.

This is one of the good life tasks for an ENFP, I think.

 

[Clownmaster]

When I'm in stores, there's at least a 30% chance someone will scream my name out and come over to talk to me. And there's only a 80% chance that I'll know their name.

I have rings of friends, like the rings on a tree stump. The outer ring (and largest) is the acquaintences, and each step inward you go, the more depth than breadth you find in the relationships.

 

[kyuuei]

My ENFP daughter brings a glow into the room with her when she arrives. Lots of charisma.

She doesn't appear aware of it. And shrugs when I've mentioned it to her.

There was a time when she was younger that she used her charm to manipulate others and she was very good at it. I think that she has released that habit with time - using others to her advantage. But she is very capable of influencing life events to benefit herself and those around her. I think that is a great deal of her appeal.

There was a time when others' attraction to her became a nuisance to her and she became avoidant, disappearing from peoples' lives for several months at a time. I think it was just overwhelming to her and she hadn't learned how to handle it well.

She prefers the company of several soul-mate type friends but everywhere she goes it seems like people know her and holler out to her.

I've actually opened my checkbook, with pictures of my kids in it in places and had the cashier glance over and say, "Hey! I know her!" And I think, "I imagine so."

I started noticing this about her when she was a toddler shopping with me.

Several here have touched on the issue of authenticity. And I think that is an important thing for ENFPs. It can be confusing to wield so much influence over others. Being a focus for attention can carry a burden with it.

I know that my daughter sometimes feels that people want to draw that energy from her for themselves. She calls it "emotional vampirism." Heh. And I know that she has sometimes felt uncomfortable with others' neediness for her attentions.

Her heart is a good one and it tugged on her to try to "fix" people and in the way that they wanted her to do it.

That did cause confusion for her growing up. But she was also very aware of that at an early age. More so than most young people in general I think.

I was impressed and surprised when, one day at about eighteen years of age, she told me of what a struggle it was for her to be her true self with all the adoration (my word) attention and the pressure that she sometimes felt to fill others' needs.

She strives for authenticity. It is a strong need to be her "real self." I'm making a guess that that would be a common goal for most ENFPs.

As most people, she has a dark side. And it is enormous and very frightening both to her and to those who have encountered it. I haven't seen it for years now but it always cracks me up when people praise her to my face and I think, "You should've seen what I've seen!"

I know that with the personal power that she carries she's needed to do a greal deal of work on getting to know herself and how to tread lightly with her ability to influence.

And another thing she's had to learn to do is to say "no" to people without having to explode or run away.

This is one of the good life tasks for an ENFP, I think.

I think this explains entirely, for most ENFPs, not only why others tend to generally get along with us more stranger-to-stranger, but what we as ENFPs see and feel during these interactions.

This was very well written and accurate observations you've made. I found myself nodding in agreement with each sentence, the next being just as true as the last.

When I'm in stores, there's at least a 30% chance someone will scream my name out and come over to talk to me. And there's only a 80% chance that I'll know their name.

I have rings of friends, like the rings on a tree stump. The outer ring (and largest) is the acquaintences, and each step inward you go, the more depth than breadth you find in the relationships.

Nice similie for our social circles we create. Granted, I'm sure most people have that too, but it is especially true in our cases.

Hex, I HAVE noticed that about you.. from the time I first met you, when you were very socially outgoing at parties, talking to everyone and expressing your ENFP aura throughout the party, to the way you hang out at them now there is a dramatic difference. I just wish things could be a bit different.

 

[Lizzy1813]

OMG!!! Anja, that's so true to some problems I'm dealing with now! Esp. the "emotional vamparism"! It's hard to tell people in essence to leave me alone without feeling guilty about it...but I feel so suppressed and untrue to myself when I don't have my isolation time.

Another thing about the well-likedness is that I (as a college student) seem to get along with my teachers and employers/bosses really well...but then there's the weird feeling of "I'm not trying to be a 'teacher's pet', am I?" or "I don't bow to my boss's whims too easily, do I?". And then when other students/workers complain about how mean and strict the teacher/boss is, I don't know what to say. Half the time, I try to say something non-committal like "Uh huh" "Oh?" "Mmm" that make me feel like I'm stupid-izing myself.

Is this just me?

 

[mlittrell]

im typically instantly aware if im well liked or looked at as weird lol...the latter more then i would enjoy but hey, its cool

 

[Anja]

OMG!!! Anja, that's so true to some problems I'm dealing with now! Esp. the "emotional vamparism"! It's hard to tell people in essence to leave me alone without feeling guilty about it...but I feel so suppressed and untrue to myself when I don't have my isolation time.

Another thing about the well-likedness is that I (as a college student) seem to get along with my teachers and employers/bosses really well...but then there's the weird feeling of "I'm not trying to be a 'teacher's pet', am I?" or "I don't bow to my boss's whims too easily, do I?". And then when other students/workers complain about how mean and strict the teacher/boss is, I don't know what to say. Half the time, I try to say something non-committal like "Uh huh" "Oh?" "Mmm" that make me feel like I'm stupid-izing myself.

Is this just me?

I sometimes see my daughter, Lizzy, holding her tongue also and I can see by the look on her face that she'd like to make a comment about somebody. But a person has to be a fairly evil sort for her to ever bad-mouth them.

I think that's just one more of those attractive traits of healthy ENFPs.

I'd say you are being more true to your values system than to other's opinions of you and good for you!

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I think many ENFPs are aware of their popularity and make a conscious effort to be more popular. Some are unaware of their popularity, I think, but the majority that I know are aware and they love and need the attention. I like ENFPs. They are cute

 

[TrueHeart]

Sometimes I think that enfp's will try so hard to be liked, that they become disliked. There's one enfp girl I know that tries so hard to be nice, that it's sickening.

They might not try hard to be popular, but I think they try hard to be generally liked. But hey, i'm not an enfp.

How do you know any of that? I mean, how do you know they're trying? Might what you see as "trying" be just their way of "being"? Have you asked them if they're trying or if that's just the way they are?

 

[Lizzy1813]

I sometimes see my daughter, Lizzy, holding her tongue also and I can see by the look on her face that she'd like to make a comment about somebody. But a person has to be a fairly evil sort for her to ever bad-mouth them.

I think that's just one more of those attractive traits of healthy ENFPs.

I'd say you are being more true to your values system than to other's opinions of you and good for you!

Thanks! This helps a lot!

 

[SillyGoose]

Several here have touched on the issue of authenticity. And I think that is an important thing for ENFPs. It can be confusing to wield so much influence over others. Being a focus for attention can carry a burden with it.

I know that my daughter sometimes feels that people want to draw that energy from her for themselves. She calls it "emotional vampirism." Heh. And I know that she has sometimes felt uncomfortable with others' neediness for her attentions.

Her heart is a good one and it tugged on her to try to "fix" people and in the way that they wanted her to do it.

That did cause confusion for her growing up. But she was also very aware of that at an early age. More so than most young people in general I think.

I was impressed and surprised when, one day at about eighteen years of age, she told me of what a struggle it was for her to be her true self with all the adoration (my word) attention and the pressure that she sometimes felt to fill others' needs.

She strives for authenticity. It is a strong need to be her "real self." I'm making a guess that that would be a common goal for most ENFPs.

As most people, she has a dark side. And it is enormous and very frightening both to her and to those who have encountered it. I haven't seen it for years now but it always cracks me up when people praise her to my face and I think, "You should've seen what I've seen!"

I know that with the personal power that she carries she's needed to do a greal deal of work on getting to know herself and how to tread lightly with her ability to influence.

And another thing she's had to learn to do is to say "no" to people without having to explode or run away.

This is one of the good life tasks for an ENFP, I think.

I related to this alot and your previous post as well.

I've been calling the emotional vampirism, my emotional bank for quite a few years now. Learning to recognize my balance with people, how much they have deposited, how much they have withdrawn and so on and so forth have helped me tremendously. I used to get really overwhelmed and have to shut down for awhile since I was overdrawn quite a bit, and then a good friend (ENFJ) taught me about the bank

 

[ajblaise]

How do you know any of that? I mean, how do you know they're trying? Might what you see as "trying" be just their way of "being"? Have you asked them if they're trying or if that's just the way they are?

Being...Trying.... Maybe their way of "being" is "trying" to act nice and gregarious. Both those things take effort, even if they have a natural drive to do them.

 

[pockets]

Holy. Crap. I'm not haughty or a narcissist, but that rings true to me entirely... particularly the avoidance part. While I don't feel like people are knocking over chairs to touch the corner of my robe, I do feel that people always want something from me... The infamous ENFP spark brightens peoples' lives, and that's what they're after. Unfortunately, that's all they're after, and that makes me feel like a whore. I'm not a friggin' heroin fix that you can just shoot up whenever you're felling bored or down! Wow, I'm getting vulgar. I think it's time to sleep.

That's kind of what I've been feeling recently too, though for a while, the rush of being needed and wanted felt very good. Perhaps this is mutual vampirism, then (for me).
I don't know. I'm still learning to differentiate between connection and superficial popularity. Actually, I realise I've been seeking approval quite a bit recently, because of stress, and it's not turning me into smt I like.

 

[SillySapienne]

My ENFP daughter brings a glow into the room with her when she arrives. Lots of charisma.

She doesn't appear aware of it. And shrugs when I've mentioned it to her.

There was a time when she was younger that she used her charm to manipulate others and she was very good at it. I think that she has released that habit with time - using others to her advantage. But she is very capable of influencing life events to benefit herself and those around her. I think that is a great deal of her appeal.

There was a time when others' attraction to her became a nuisance to her and she became avoidant, disappearing from peoples' lives for several months at a time. I think it was just overwhelming to her and she hadn't learned how to handle it well.

She prefers the company of several soul-mate type friends but everywhere she goes it seems like people know her and holler out to her.

I've actually opened my checkbook, with pictures of my kids in it in places and had the cashier glance over and say, "Hey! I know her!" And I think, "I imagine so."

I started noticing this about her when she was a toddler shopping with me.

Several here have touched on the issue of authenticity. And I think that is an important thing for ENFPs. It can be confusing to wield so much influence over others. Being a focus for attention can carry a burden with it.

I know that my daughter sometimes feels that people want to draw that energy from her for themselves. She calls it "emotional vampirism." Heh. And I know that she has sometimes felt uncomfortable with others' neediness for her attentions.

Her heart is a good one and it tugged on her to try to "fix" people and in the way that they wanted her to do it.

That did cause confusion for her growing up. But she was also very aware of that at an early age. More so than most young people in general I think.

I was impressed and surprised when, one day at about eighteen years of age, she told me of what a struggle it was for her to be her true self with all the adoration (my word) attention and the pressure that she sometimes felt to fill others' needs.

She strives for authenticity. It is a strong need to be her "real self." I'm making a guess that that would be a common goal for most ENFPs.

As most people, she has a dark side. And it is enormous and very frightening both to her and to those who have encountered it. I haven't seen it for years now but it always cracks me up when people praise her to my face and I think, "You should've seen what I've seen!"

I know that with the personal power that she carries she's needed to do a greal deal of work on getting to know herself and how to tread lightly with her ability to influence.

And another thing she's had to learn to do is to say "no" to people without having to explode or run away.

This is one of the good life tasks for an ENFP, I think.

Perhaps the most insightful post I have ever read on what it is truly like to be an ENFP.

Honestly, WOW!!!

Thank you so much for sharing!!!



And I too call that draining of energy by "friends" emotional vampirism!!

Wow, just wow.

Thanks!!!

 

[mlittrell]

i have no idea if im well liked or not lol

im probably hated here

 

[Angry Ayrab]

i have no idea if im well liked or not lol

im probably hated here

Na bro.

you is definitely chill dog.

Actually, it is a delight to have you here. Thank youf for your usually insightful posts, keep it up.