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[MBTI General] Anyone here the lone NF in their family?

chris1207

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
467
MBTI Type
XNXX
Enneagram
3w2
I just found out that I am! My dad's an ISTJ, mom's an ESFJ, and my sister's an ESTJ. I can't say that I've ever really gotten along with them.

They all seem to believe that authority and deferring to it is some rationale. It's kind of stupid when all of your arguments end with, "I own this house and if you don't like it you can move out!" The more you reason the louder they yell that same line. It's like talking to a wall.

I used to get really upset over this but now I just shut up and don't give a crap. The fact that they're SJ's just helps me to not give a crap even more. If they don't get me now they never will.

Other stuff that annoys me is my moms ability to come up with a seamingly endless number of things that have to be done and when we haven't done all of them or haven't done them in just the right way she expects us to, she turns the biggest whiner. Grow a backbone woman!

I could go on and on about the various ways that we're different but I won't. Needless to say, it's tough. As an NF I really need someone who will believe in me and stand by me as I venture into adulthood and find a career for myself and my family's been more of a hindrance than a help. They just don't get that I'm never going to come around to value the sames things as them and that by telling me my values are stupid they're just delaying my departure.

Ughh... combine that with my addiction to MBTI and MP3 player forums and at the end of the day I can't help to feel as though each day has been any different from the last. Any NF's here have any killer careers that they really enjoy?
 

Leysing

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
309
MBTI Type
FiSi
I live with three SJs, too. *sigh* It's awful. I can relate very much to your story.

My SJs have learned that they aren't able to change me, and kudos for them because of that. They, however, have these annoying SJ beliefs like "You should always keep your surroundings neat and tidy" and "You should carry your dishes immediately to the dishwasher" and "You should not wear flower design clothes in the winter".

About the future career... My ISTJ father cares about nothing else than money and status. When I declared that I wasn't going to enroll at university anymore and would study to work with horses (a very laughed-at career with a low income), he almost had a heart attack. He has been trying to press me into university to study linguistics. (Fortunately my ESFJ mother is supportive and delighted (!?!) because I have a goal and a dream. Extra kudos for her.)

The same ESFJ mother, though, has major problems with logical behavior. She has a fiery temperament, and she can blow up very unexpectedly. She never thinks about what will result from her actions. She is quite shallow, too. She tries hard to think deeply, and I appreciate that very much, but it just doesn't... work. She can't see the relationships between reasons and consequences and she draws weird conclusions. She is also mildly paranoid and is always guessing what someone meant by saying "hello" a certain way. She is a hardcore martyr, too, and an expert in using guilt manipulation. :doh:

I'm always accused of being stubborn, lazy and negligent. If I present a new idea, it's immediately crushed and called ridiculous, because it's threatening their system of values they have been fostering since their childhood.

The best thing is that my mother expects me to dress "like a woman should", which means colorful clothes, lace, pearls, silk, flowers, pink and purple and everything shiny and glittering... I beg for mercy.

EDIT//The third SJ is my ISFJ sister, the only one I get well along with. I suppose that is because I'm the Big Sister, so she has no annoying SJ authority on me :D
 
Last edited:

MrRandom

New member
Joined
Jul 19, 2008
Messages
151
MBTI Type
INFJ
Wow. I can relate to both of you very strongly.

ISTJ father, ESFJ mother, ESFJ sister. And then there is me, the INFJ son. Trust me, it hasn't been very easy. I moved out to live on my own as soon as it was reasonably possible. Life has been easier since.

While I was still living at my parents, I had weekly fights and arguments with my mother. We were the strongest personalities in the house and we constantly clashed. She's such a martyr that it almost makes me puke! Also, I kind of was my parents' "favorite", so it made our relationship even more difficult... They really liked me, but at the same time made my life miserable. They are absolutely and amazingly good parents, but this is a matter of clashing personalities. It's just wasn't going to work. Ever. Now that I live on my own, I only deal with them occasionally, and it has really improved our relationship.

Needless to say, I was the (likable) weirdo of the family. I've always walked a path of my own, and I've had clear goals in life. I didn't ever even consider following my father's footsteps (money business). I wanted to become an artist. My parents had surprisingly little trouble with that, they supported me well. That is because I worked hard towards it, so they understood it's not just hopeless dreaming. My advice: excel at what you do, and others will see it your way.

I could go on and on and on, but I'm gonna keep this short for now. I have mostly gotten over this... I still sometimes wish I could have more warm relationships with my family, but it's next to impossible. It's so shallow. We just don't understand each other.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I feel bad for you, I at least have my father and my great aunt, though I seem to be the only healthy and sane one...
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I relate, though I do have INFJ-mom, so it was not so simple "kid vs family" situation when I was growing up. It was actually really good living with them before they got divorced. After that things got real messy and I ended up living with my dad (ISTJ) and brothers (ISFJ & ESFP) and well, it was not exactly nice, dad was always going on how mom is such a bad person, but it wasn't the worst. After some time dad got us a step-mom, who happens to be ESFJ and she had kids too (ISTP & ISTJ)

The thing with the SJ-dominated family was that they mostly care about appearances. If I have wrong kind of clothes or hair or anything, it means that I spoil their facade. Also you need to work hard and not allow any pleasures to yourself. I was thinking about colleges and such and discussed with dad and he supported only the type of schools that would get me a well paid job. It was very hard living with them.

I remember one day especially well, and I think this defines my relationship with my step-mom. She was going to work early in the morning and she opened the fridge and saw that there was no milk. She remembered me drinking the milk last night, so she comes to wake me up and shouts for five minutes about her not getting milk for her coffee. I wasn't sure I'm hearing right, it was surreal.

It has been so many years since this that I can see clearly how my mother, while not being actually there, has saved me and my ESFP-brother from being totally lost at the time. I don't see how I could have managed without her. My father provided the basic needs, that is food and clothes and so on, but my mother provided the rest. She was the one who was actually interested in what I was doing or how I see the world and she never was trying to force me into the "normal" person that I didn't want to be. And I could argue with her without the feeling that she will get rid of me.
 

rhinosaur

Just a statistic
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
1,464
MBTI Type
INTP
It's kind of stupid when all of your arguments end with, "I own this house and if you don't like it you can move out!"
Maybe you should move out. I get the impression it would be better for you.

I used to get really upset over this but now I just shut up and don't give a crap. The fact that they're SJ's just helps me to not give a crap even more. If they don't get me now they never will.

Correction: You Pretend that you don't give a crap. I can't imagine that if it bothered you before, it would suddenly stop bothering you now. If you just keep ignoring it, you're setting yourself up to have some kind of issue (perhaps with authority figures) in the future.
 

scantilyclad

almost nekkid
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,106
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
yes, i am the black sheep of the family. but now that i'm older i don't have as much trouble relating to my family. I'm glad my teenage angst is nearly gone.
 

heart

heart on fire
Joined
May 19, 2007
Messages
8,456
No NF in immediate family. Two NT. But I am married to NF now. He was also the only NF in his immediate family.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
my immediate family is Ns I think my mom's an NF and my dad an NT except my brother who is actually in the middle between N and S. My aunt is an ESFJ and I love her, but sometimes she drives me nuts.

I remember one time I had spent the day all day with people and I was exhausted and needed to be alone. My aunt said I had too much caffiene and I was crashing. I'm like no that's not why cuz I've drank that much in the past and was not this tired. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept of I need time alone, and I can't please everyone 24/7. If I do I'll go insane.
 

luminous beam

♪♫♪♫♪♫
Joined
Feb 12, 2008
Messages
744
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
yes, i am the black sheep of the family. but now that i'm older i don't have as much trouble relating to my family. I'm glad my teenage angst is nearly gone.


my mom is ExTJ and my sister is ISTJ...it's annoying as fuck, needless to say and i am definitely the black sheep of the family. i've had to use my shadow personality a lot in order to survive the pressures and overly critical mother. if you follow the enneagram i am a 2, but living at home was so stressful that i can act an 8 on command. had to maintain my self intact.
 

anii

homo-loving sonovagun
Joined
Jul 9, 2007
Messages
901
MBTI Type
infp
Enneagram
9
Anyone here the lone NF in their family?

Yes, and I won't lie: It can seriously suck.

And, it may not ever get better over time.

My advice? Find your own tribe. Make your own family from like-minded kindred spirits.

I'm not saying to divorce yourself from your biological family; just to decide how much together time with them you can handle, establish some boundaries, and stick to your guns.

PS - as an ENFJ, you might enjoy the following careers:

Possible Career Paths for the ENFJ:

* Facilitator
* Consultant
* Psychologist
* Social Worker / Counselor
* Teacher
* Clergy
* Sales Representative
* Human Resources
* Manager
* Events Coordinator
* Sales Representative
* Politicians / Diplomats
* Writers
(from: Careers for ENFJ Personality Types)

In a nutshell, think Oprah.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Yes, I'm the only NF.

My mom is an ISTJ, and my dad is an IxTJ (for the life of me I can't decide which one he is). My brother is an INTP. I've never gotten into any fights with my parents, really, although little flareups have happened with my Dad a few times. For quite a while it bothered me that I didn't have any 'connection' with them, but I guess I've come to terms with that and we get along just fine. My brother and I have always understood each other pretty well, though, even though I can't say we have actual conversations that often -- he's WAY more introverted than I.

I guess..I grew up in an environment where emotion wasn't expressed, really at all, and neither were opinions. Actual conversations didn't happen much either - mostly just chitchat, and 'How was your day?' stuff. I think this may have caused some issues with my esteem and sense of self, as I didn't really feel that I was in an emotionally 'nurturing' environment growing up, which would probably have done me a lot more good. But, it is what is is, and it's not like it was anyone's fault, really. I just feel that I had to do a helluva lot of 'catch-up' work on my own in my 20's, especially related to interpersonal skills and emotional stuff.

I often think though that this must be the case with everyone, no matter what your type -- that there's going to inevitably be some element of how you were raised that was lacking from what would be ideal for you. I don't see how it could be otherwise.
 

karenk

New member
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
160
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
My entire family is made up of ES types. I've always been the odd one. :violin:
 

surgery

New member
Joined
Sep 28, 2007
Messages
257
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
Four
my immediate family is pretty diverse:

father; ESFJ 2w3 sp/so
mother; ISFP 9w8 sp/sx
brother; ENFP 7w6 sx/so

looks like we're actually rather balanced, since my feeling v. thinking preference is about 55% to 45%, which puts me fairly close to being a Rationalist. ironically, i usually only have trouble with my older brother; he acts more like an unhealthy ESTP. anyway, is living with an ESFJ really that intolerable? i suppose i am just lucky that my father never put great pressure on me to conform to existing social standards. in fact, i see how hard he works to please us, so I want to be a "better" son for him. Perhaps if he were an ESTJ, this would be a completely different story.
 

tenINsFJ

Permabanned
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
479
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w9
Wow. I can relate to both of you very strongly.

ISTJ father, ESFJ mother, ESFJ sister. And then there is me, the INFJ son. Trust me, it hasn't been very easy. I moved out to live on my own as soon as it was reasonably possible. Life has been easier since.

Wow man, Dad=ISTJ, Mom=ESFJ, Sister=ESTJ, Me=INFJ.

How weird dude. That's cool though. I definitely have a different thought process compared to everyone else. My dad and sister are very irrational, ill-tempered, and impatient. My mom is very naggy and persistent. And there I am, just sitting around and watching my dad and sister bicker about everything and then my mom chimes in with some extra nagging. Worse case scenario for me is being in a car with all three of them in a traffic jam. <--- no joke.
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
i'm the only F in my family. ISTJ mom (6w5), INTP dad (5w6), ENTP brother (3w4?).

i've learned to repress my Fe so much that i find myself to be more of a thinker than my mom, though.

it's too bad being so sensitive, but i think of being a male NF as a problem in society, not just in my immediate family. plus i'm a 9.
 

helen

New member
Joined
Nov 20, 2007
Messages
241
MBTI Type
INFJ
Yeah, I'm a lone NF as well.

ISTJ Dad, ISFJ Mom, and INTJ brother.
I did have some conflicts with my folks growing up, but it's all okay now and we love eachother and all that. Learning about MBTI helped some, as I was at least able to understand everyone's motives a little better (mine included).

Some free advice- use knowledge about types as a way to improve communication, not as an excuse for the lack of it.

Good luck to you.
 

Eng.daisy

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2008
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INFJ
my mom is an ESFJ
my Dad is an ISTJ
Sister = INTJ
2nd sister = ESFP
brother = ESFP
me = INFJ
=) it is not that easy but i love them they are my family
 

tenINsFJ

Permabanned
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
479
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w9
has anyone noticed the pattern that a ESFJ and ISTJ parent are making INFJ children?
 
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