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[MBTI General] NFs, do you get tired of giving people "the benefit of the doubt"?

phoenix13

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Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
1,293
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ENFP
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7w8
This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?


Absolutely. Maybe you already do this, but when you're pissed, take a day to figure out why. Somewhere in that time, ask someone you trust whether or not they think you're over-reacting (use those words... otherwise, they'll just say what they think you want to hear). Just knowing that I have that tendency, along with a guilty virdict from a buddy helps tremendously to diffuse whatever anger I'm feeling.

Now, if you are justified (or if you don't buy your friend's reasoning), it's essential to your mental health to confront the offender. The most effective way to do this is to be vulnerable. You're probably pissed because you're hurt or you feel used or blah blah blah. Say that (and not "I 'aint no K-mart, so quit asking me for paperclips, bitch!"). Worst case scenario: you feel embarassed for making a big deal out of it. Not a tragedy, but you could always come back and say: "I was sensitive because my grandma just broke her hip," or "...multiple hemorrhoids." They'll understand.

Hopefully you found something useful in that ramble-fest. Keep being laid-back and awesome. That way, if you do loose your cool, you'll be forgiven.
 

Jae Rae

Free-Rangin' Librarian
Joined
Nov 19, 2007
Messages
979
MBTI Type
INFJ
Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. You gotta give people the chance to change and reform, they don't always realize they are stepping on your toes. It is part of true empathy and caring for others to give people the truth but in a way that does not automatically assume they had negative intentions.

A couple of months ago I came home to find my neighbor's niece parked in my driveway. She saw me and immediately jumped into her car and drove off.

A week later the friend of a different neighbor parked her car in front of my driveway to drop something off and left the motor running; we had a little staredown after which she moved her car down the street.

I typed up a little message asking the neighbors to tell their friends, relatives, visitors and workmen not to park in our driveway and slipped it in the mailboxes of the two in question.

Today we woke up to the sound of a large cement truck parked in front of our driveway and house. My husband went out and talked to the driver who said it would take about 20 minutes to unload. After 1/2 hour he went out again to ask when the guy would be leaving; he said as soon as he got his check. He drove off soon after that, and the neighbor came over with an inexpensive bottle of wine, apologizing for blocking our driveway.

I felt the neighbor should have come over first to ask if his workman could park in front of our driveway instead of letting the workman "negotiate" with us. My husband feels no harm was done, but I think this guy is inconsiderate at worst, casual at best, who does what he wants and lets the chips fall where they may. What if we'd been out when the cement guy arrived? He only asked our permission when we confronted him.

What's the deal with people like this?
 

Cality

New member
Joined
Mar 2, 2008
Messages
208
MBTI Type
ENFP
This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

I am tired of being the nice girl and that my patients take advantage of this and be less repectful at times (cancelling appointments in the very last minute for example). I am tired of being always empathetic to my patients. I tend to be more and more "T" in that respect and admire my ENTP co-worker : I hear them, i help them, i dod whatever what I can but i also more quickly forget it after works. Also I tedn to be more and more straigthforward. I make them pay immediatly any first appointment instead of saying : "OOOO you forgot the life's card (french social security card) and the note of your doc? OK bring it next time" Just because I tend to rely more and more on my intuition to feel who I can trust or not.

Not sure my post helps... Just wanted to share though...
 

phoenix13

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Joined
Mar 31, 2008
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1,293
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ENFP
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7w8
I am tired of being the nice girl and that my patients take advantage of this and be less repectful at times (cancelling appointments in the very last minute for example). I am tired of being always empathetic to my patients. I tend to be more and more "T" in that respect and admire my ENTP co-worker : I hear them, i help them, i dod whatever what I can but i also more quickly forget it after works. Also I tedn to be more and more straigthforward. I make them pay immediatly any first appointment instead of saying : "OOOO you forgot the life's card (french social security card) and the note of your doc? OK bring it next time" Just because I tend to rely more and more on my intuition to feel who I can trust or not.

Not sure my post helps... Just wanted to share though...

ENFP DOCTOR!!!!! WOOOOOT!!! :happy0065:


...oh yeah, and tell your patients to shove off, or give 'em a kick square in the bootay. It's the hippocratic way.
 

Cality

New member
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Mar 2, 2008
Messages
208
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ENFP
ENFP DOCTOR!!!!! WOOOOOT!!! :happy0065:


...oh yeah, and tell your patients to shove off, or give 'em a kick square in the bootay. It's the hippocratic way.

Not doc... Just speech path and future neuropsychologist (i work on it)
 

Mermaid

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Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
12
MBTI Type
xxfj
Giving people the "benefit of the doubt" tends to be the more efficient approach. When you jump to a negative conclusion, it typically inspires a negative response which can spiral into antagonism. Who has the energy to fight all the time? Attempting to make accurate assumptions that err on the side of being a little generously positive can at times disarm the other person resulting in them being put at ease. It can also be a peaceful habit to just overlook negative nonsense that has no bearing on life except where we allow it to be an annoyance. A "benefit of the doubt" world is the easier one to live in.

Beautifully said.
 

Rachelinpa

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Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
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ENFP
Yes. I can relate. I find beauty in second chances and believing in the best of others. Unfortunately, this usually means taking the weaker end of the deal. I've concluded that my extension of grace cannot be contingent upon the reaction or response of the other person. If it something I choose to do, then it is on me and I cannot resent them if they take it for granted. Like CaptainChick, I too "hate feeling resentful."

I usually do not hesitate sharing my irritations with another person (as they come up) because I tend to be open and do not want to damage any future communication. If I do not address it and let it fester (love that word), then it escalates, and yes, I get angry. I don't feel it is justified because I did not give the other person an opportunity to respond and because of my avoidance of conflict, I am the one who suffers.

That said, I think it is mostly about being true to yourself and setting good boundaries. Knowing when it is appropriate to share and knowing when it is really actually not a big deal and you need to rise above their human flaws and detach.
 

Charmed Justice

Nickle Iron Silicone
Joined
Jul 22, 2009
Messages
2,805
MBTI Type
INFJ
Sometimes I get tired of giving the benefit of the doubt, but I realize that it is in my nature to do so, and I've accepted it. I rarely expect anything in return when I've done something for someone, save continued respect. So long as I get that, I'm ok with inequality in relationships.
 

Coeur

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Jul 13, 2009
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237
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INFP
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4w5
This is how it usually goes for me:
Something does something that irritates me. I downplay it to myself, say it wasn't a big deal, and shove it down until I forget about it. Then, every time they do something, I fume about both that issue and the previous irritation. This continues until I have a huge pile and I snap at the person out of nowhere.

This occurs for several reasons:
1. I don't think I have the "right" to be angry at something super small. I don't want to confront someone about something that is an irrelevant one time thing. I fear that if I bring something up, I'll cause an unneccessary argument.
2. I don't want to be seen as 'controlling.' I don't want to put an end to every behavior that rubs me the wrong way. I want people to be themselves around me.

I see that there's little logic in this, but I still struggle with it.
 

fill

"Everything in its place"
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Jun 28, 2009
Messages
507
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entp
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753
I really don't give people the benefit of the doubt. I'll search all possibilities, no matter how negative they are, which tends to be good and bad. But I do have an unlimited patience; I would say it's limited, but I've found otherwise as there are very few people I've simply stopped talking to because of wrong they've done to me.
 

Halla74

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Jan 20, 2009
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Instinctual Variant
sx/so
This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

All I can say after being married to an INFJ for 15 years is: SLOW DOWN. Don't read too deeply into simple events. Allow the here and now to be the simple passing of time, and re-assess periodically. Life will make more sense, I swear! :doh:

:hug:
 

metaphours

cast shadows
Joined
Jun 16, 2009
Messages
1,194
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4w5
I find that my willingness to forgive easily is a flaw that makes me more vulnerable and a gift all at the same time.
 

Halla74

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sx/so
I find that my willingness to forgive easily is a flaw that makes me more vulnerable and a gift all at the same time.

Very nicely said! +1! :D
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

I can relate in a major way!

In fact, I am working on this in my own life right now - healthy boundaries.

Often times I notice that being good natured and willing to seek out the best in others can, ultimately at some point, comes at a cost TO OURSELVES - especially if the person in question demonstrates a PATTERN of ill behavior. Then you get stuck in the "they hurt you/you forgive them/they hurt you/you forgive them" spin cycle.

I notice that my friends rely on me as the "peacemaker" and "soother of ruffled feathers"... because I can be diplomatic, easy going, understanding, and validating of another's perspective. A uniter, not a divider. I will always give the person the benefit of the doubt.

I am very good with OTHER people's feelings and bringing them into harmony. However, I often times stuff my OWN feelings just to keep the peace.

My THOUGHTS I will share and be assertive. "Why did you lie to me?" (seeking to intellectualize the subject and hence emotionally distance from it to protect own feelings)

My FEELINGS (Fi) I will stuff. "You lied to me and I FELT hurt and betrayed." (gasp! I could never say that out loud!)

When my therapist finally said one day... why didn't you say something about how you FELT? (as opposed to what I THOUGHT) My reply was "I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing."

*silence* in the room as I heard what I had said.

Basically I had just stated an unrealized hidden personal belief - in so many words, that my own feelings meant nothing, and were not of value. Yikes!

My therapist said I am *allowed* to have my feelings, and that they are valid and OF VALUE.

I had not been VALUING my OWN FEELINGS - only the feelings of everyone else. This inevitably causes RESENTMENT at some point. So, I am learning to say to myself, "my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's." Or even better, "My feelings are valid." Period. Even if what I feel might rock the boat.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
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6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
This is how it usually goes for me:
Something does something that irritates me. I downplay it to myself, say it wasn't a big deal, and shove it down until I forget about it. Then, every time they do something, I fume about both that issue and the previous irritation. This continues until I have a huge pile and I snap at the person out of nowhere.

This occurs for several reasons:
1. I don't think I have the "right" to be angry at something super small. I don't want to confront someone about something that is an irrelevant one time thing. I fear that if I bring something up, I'll cause an unneccessary argument.
2. I don't want to be seen as 'controlling.' I don't want to put an end to every behavior that rubs me the wrong way. I want people to be themselves around me.

I see that there's little logic in this, but I still struggle with it.

Yup...I relate to this...fuming, bottling it up, and then one day going bang. Hasn't happened many times in my life, but it can be rather dramatic when it does. It's sort of a relieving the pressure thing, when it would have been better to let a little of it out to the person earlier - much healthier and more pleasant for both of us. But see above - I keep thinking "it's not a big deal, just overlook it" until it does become a big deal.

I can go right from giving someone the benefit of the doubt all the time - too much - to concluding that they're completely horrible, thoughtless, selfish, etc - the other extreme. Again, it hasn't happened many times but it has happened.

Of course, once I have had a blowup like this, it does relieve the pressure for a bit and then I feel more horrible as I realise that I have made everyone feel worse, including myself. Last time this happened, a bit over a year ago, the person reacted unpleasantly but I now realise they would have had to be a saint not to. They’re an ESxP so I think it was water off a duck’s back after that – although I apologised for my overreaction, I then stepped back and concluded the friendship was over due to the situation and the hurt I’d experienced. Somewhat to my surprise, the other person ended up making more of the overtures to re-establish the friendship. Sometimes people do surprise me.
 

Wild horses

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Oct 25, 2008
Messages
1,916
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ENFP
I do kinda know what you mean because as much as I can tolerate anger in others I find it inexcusable in myself! However, I am usually fine giving people the benefit of the doubt and the moment I am unable to I try and cut them out (But this has only really happened on very few extreme occasions) because I hate holding something against someone and keeping it to myself, to me I verge on the passive aggressive if you know what I mean and I don't think it's fair on the other person because they can never put it right if you don't give them the chance to confront what they have done... But yea I don't know this seems to be a phenomenon; lots of ENFPs I talk to do not tolerate negative emotions within themselves. They seem to think that they have a responsibility to make others happy and so any negativity from anger to sadness and grief is just not allowed. Don't really know how to get over such a problem! :(
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
MBTI Type
infp
I've tried fighting against my natural tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, not once, not twice, not ten times, many more lol but it's a futile battle.

I am sick and tired of being this open to giving people chances, especially when it all leads to what I knew already, that this person was going to let me down, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

People don't want you to stick them in a box, or judge them on a past mistake, yet even when I offer them that benefit of the doubt, there is a tiny part of me that is merely giving them the rope they will use to hang themselves later on, and they always do in the end.

Very few people have ever managed to be worth that benefit of the doubt.
 

Jae Rae

Free-Rangin' Librarian
Joined
Nov 19, 2007
Messages
979
MBTI Type
INFJ
Many of us are raised to value other people's feelings above our own. We have to unlearn that, set healthy boundaries and not be so damn NICE and understanding all the time.

I agree with BerberElla - giving others another chance often just leads to being taken advantage of yet again. But start acting differently and others will start treating you differently.

I had a realization with a friend over the weekend - she gave a toga party, but when I showed up, I was the only one in a toga! I was mad and let her know it. But the biggest part was that I knew she would continue to let me down in various ways as long as I let her. There's no way I'd ever go to a party of hers in a costume again because I see she can't be trusted.

Somehow being embarrassed at her party brought this home better than years of waiting 45 minutes for her to show up and other acts of thoughtlessness. I already make very cautious plans with her and it's going to be a long time before I feel up to it again.
 

JuneBugGemini

New member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENFP
My eyes lit up when I read the title of this. This is something I've felt for the longest time.

I get that I'm just a naturally forgiving person, because y'know, people are human and all that, so of course no one's gonna get everything right. But of course along with that comes the being too trusting and naivete at times, and not speaking up until it's almost/is too late...I'm getting better at it, but only being 16, it's still really difficult. :/

Could I perhaps have some advice on how to move past this psychological stint?
 
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