[MBTI General] NFs, do you get tired of giving people "the benefit of the doubt"?

[chatoyer]

This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

 

[murkrow]

If you aren't going to give them the benefit of the doubt internally then there's no reason to give it externally.

If these people really care about you then they'd rather you be open and deal with the negative feelings building inside you than present a happy face to them at all times.

You're justified in being angry whenever you feel angry, the best way to diffuse your anger is to remove the source of it, and that means communicating with the person who's angered you.

I wonder why your ideal self differs so much from your natural self.

 

[Little Linguist]

I can relate. I think the problem comes from my not being able to really "handle" my strong emotions, which means I am afraid of "exploding" or "acting badly." I usually suppress them as a result to prevent "negative" situations.

However, we all have to realize that life is not all peaches and cream, no matter how badly we might want it. Sometimes conflict happens. Full stop. No way of changing it.

Once you realize that conflict is a FACT OF LIFE and not a personal problem, you begin to realize that it is okay to express anger.

The big problem is - repressed anger blows up. I have a real problem with that, even now. I suppose maturity brings a willingness to engage conflict head-on and rationally rather than hiding from it. Just a guess, though.

However, in really abusive situations, you cannot change people. You have to react or go under. Remember that.

 

[Leysing]

I used to have this problem.

Then I got mobbed at school.

Then I decided not to let that happen again and to learn to use my Te harnessed by my Fi belief of everyone's own personal value = to learn to defend myself and others.

Since then I have roared and clawed at anyone that has done anything mean or bad or generally despicable to anyone. (Including me.) :steam:

But, after all... I've had to learn to do that.

EDIT// I don't, however, burst at the face of anyone who dares to be irritating, as I'm generally very calm. I do this only to the ones that behave in a really, really stupid way towards others or are deliberately annoying for a long time (for example my friend who was poking me with her pencil the whole mathematics class... and I itch easily. ).

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Giving people the "benefit of the doubt" tends to be the more efficient approach. When you jump to a negative conclusion, it typically inspires a negative response which can spiral into antagonism. Who has the energy to fight all the time? Attempting to make accurate assumptions that err on the side of being a little generously positive can at times disarm the other person resulting in them being put at ease. It can also be a peaceful habit to just overlook negative nonsense that has no bearing on life except where we allow it to be an annoyance. A "benefit of the doubt" world is the easier one to live in.

 

[proteanmix]

I think your present way of dealing with it is the way most people deal with minor annoyances in a reasonable manner. Give a penny, take a penny. But are these "small" things really all that small? It's hard to differentiate between what you have a genuine right to be upset about and what most people would blow off. I can't fly into a rage because someone stepped on my foot in a crowded subway (which I've seen!) but then again I can't let someone repeatedly stomp on my foot either and not say anything.

I'm an EFJ so I tend to ask people that I trust to give an honest assessment of situations if the things that annoy me would have bothered them so I can figure out if what I'm upset about falls in a normal range of what's tolerable. I have a woman at my job who every freaking week asks for change to get something from the vending machine. I've tried to jokingly tell her that I should just give her my change when I come in the morning and other quips to get her to stop asking. I've recently concluded that after months of this I'm just going to have to tell her I'm not giving her anymore change. Some people have told me they wouldn't sweat it. I feel like I might as well buy her a cappuccino from Starbucks every other week because that's what the amount of money I give her totals up to. This is a thing I've decided to draw the line with.

If you notice that there's a pattern when you deal with the same person(s) over and over again and they tend to take advantage of your goodwill I'm about to say some conflicting stuff. It's different when you confront someone on doing something flagrant that you obviously can pin them with. When it's just small stuff that's done daily you run the risk of looking whiny and sensitive. For some thing's, I've honestly just swallowed it and resigned myself to dealing with it. So what ways do you deal when you can't confront the source directly? I just usually yap about it with my friends so I can air my frustrations and I feel better. (I also vent on the forum: see above ). For stuff I know I just can't allow and is becoming intolerable, I've confronted the source of the frustration. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but I mostly do it for my own good. Sometimes it just makes it worse because people don't like to get called on the carpet and they'll continue out of spite. I'd say most of the time it's not that way, but people can return to their old habits after awhile and may need another nudge. If you feel like the possibility of fallout from confrontation is preferable to the slow boil you find yourself in then it's best to talk. All that anger inside you isn't doing you any good. Being easy-going doesn't equate to pushover.

 

[heart]

I try to listen to my Te and to not let people go too far and to also be honest with them when they are pushing too far. People aren't mind readers and some people are clueless about boundaries and limits, so people deserve a chance to know they are crossing the line. I try to work hard on not reaction with oversensitivity when people do these things and not to take it as personally as I have in the past. People are people and it often isn't really about me, it is about their own issues. I have distanced myself from many in-laws in the past eight years because they won't listen and they continued to step on my boundaries and push the limits.

 

[disregard]

I don't trust most people, and am thus indifferent to their choices regarding their relationship with myself, so my benefit of the doubt isn't so much extended out of selflessness, but out of a curiosity for that which may transpire.

Pretty awful, eh?

 

[Wyst]

If I'm involved in the situation, whatever it is, I'll give people a couple chances. Burn me a 2 or 3 times, though, and it will be hard to regain my trust.

On the other hand, sometimes my mom will be looking for a third-person's opinion and ask, "So why do you think so-and-so would do that?", I'll shrug with an ambiguous "Well maybe they just (blah blah blah)...", and try to diffuse the situation, which is also my way of trying to end a conversation I really don't give a shite about.

 

[SillySapienne]

This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

Hmm, whenever a person; acquaintance, or friend, does something that hurts my feelings, I confront them.

I don't attack or lash out at them but rather speak out quite clearly saying something like, "hey, that kinda was weird", or "hey, that kinda hurt", or, "hey, why did you do that" or "hey, hold on, what's going on here, I'm confused".

If and when I don't confront someone about something that bothered, or bothers me, resentments start to take place in my gut, and I *hate* feeling resentful.

But, hmm, what exactly do you mean when you say "giving people the benefit of the doubt"?

I am incredibly forgiving, actually to a flaw, so perhaps that is what you mean.

I remember growing up, I constantly felt like I always took the high-ground and that I always played the role of that of being the "bigger person".

I know it is hard for many of us NFs to ditch our empathy-laden nice guy routines. But sometimes we have to toughen up, grow some balls, speak our minds and assert ourselves and our positions when we are being shat on.

 

[heart]

I don't attack or lash out at them but rather speak out quite clearly saying something like, "hey, that kinda was weird", or "hey, that kinda hurt", or, "hey, why did you do that" or "hey, hold on, what's going on here, I'm confused".

Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. You gotta give people the chance to change and reform, they don't always realize they are stepping on your toes. It is part of true empathy and caring for others to give people the truth but in a way that does not automatically assume they had negative intentions.

 

[Brendan]

Can anyone relate?

Yes. Then I find out that I really was just psyching myself out, and that there was no ill-will. Then I just feel frustrated for having felt frustrated.

 

[SillySapienne]

I try to listen to my Te and to not let people go too far and to also be honest with them when they are pushing too far. People aren't mind readers and some people are clueless about boundaries and limits, so people deserve a chance to know they are crossing the line. I try to work hard on not reaction with oversensitivity when people do these things and not to take it as personally as I have in the past. People are people and it often isn't really about me, it is about their own issues. I have distanced myself from many in-laws in the past eight years because they won't listen and they continued to step on my boundaries and push the limits.

Wonderful post!!!

I hadn't even read it or any of the others when I initially contributed my thoughts.

But yeah, most people's assholery, insensitivity, carelessness, or rudeness can be attributed to *their* personal issues.

We often do ourselves a disservice when we take mild offenses too personally.

When you talk it out with someone, a resolution or understanding will often be made/met.

 

[anii]

NFs, do you get tired of giving people "the benefit of the doubt"?

Only if it's abused.

 

[heart]

Wonderful post!!!

I hadn't even read it or any of the others when I initially contributed my thoughts.

But yeah, most people's assholery, insensitivity, carelessness, or rudeness can be attributed to *their* personal issues.

We often do ourselves a disservice when we take mild offenses too personally.

When you talk it out with someone, a resolution or understanding will often be made/met.

Of course if someone appears to be highly violatile or deeply disturbed, I will try to avoid them. I have a really short tolerance for people who just want to vent/rage on others and go off nuts over nothing. I grew up with that kind of abuse and I won't tolerate it in my adult life any more than I absolutely have to.

 

[chatoyer]

Giving people the "benefit of the doubt" tends to be the more efficient approach. When you jump to a negative conclusion, it typically inspires a negative response which can spiral into antagonism. Who has the energy to fight all the time? Attempting to make accurate assumptions that err on the side of being a little generously positive can at times disarm the other person resulting in them being put at ease. It can also be a peaceful habit to just overlook negative nonsense that has no bearing on life except where we allow it to be an annoyance. A "benefit of the doubt" world is the easier one to live in.

Completely agree. I do think about that a lot, that my reaction will affect how the other person interacts with me, & I apply the golden rule, in which I want people to forgive me my shortcomings & not read into my motives any evil or selfish intent.

However, I really feel like I have trouble judging situations when I'm applying my Ne with these everyday, mundane irritations, I think it's a build-up with a person, like there has been a long-standing pattern of feeling like they continue to slight me in the same way--so it reaches a certain threshold where I'm thinking, "ok, that felt competitive" or "that's the umpteenth time I've gotten blown off with some odd passive-aggressive excuse", something like that. But I feel self-conscious bringing it up, because I don't want to bring up the single incident as that seems really touchy, but I don't want to go into the seminar on the pattern (when that seems to be the issue) because that can seem really heavy & psychoanalytical. And I think I go into psychoanalyzing mode sometimes as a defense mechanism.

So there it is! Help?!

 

[alcea rosea]

I give everybody a chance and sometimes even more than one chance. But when people treat me badly enough or do something against my strongest beliefs, then I will not let myself be treated badly. After a certain line that they cross, I will get along but I will not nothing extra for those people and I certainly do not trust them anymore. I rather avoid the people that have treated me badly but it's not always possible. When it's not possible to avoid, I become very cold to those people.

 

[nomadic]

i just start cracking my knuckles if someone pisses me off. (guys)

especially if they start puffing and huffing too loud... walking around my immediate vicinity like they own the place. LOL!

but yeah, if a guy is shady to me, i mean basically he is saying "Im not scared of you" to me, so its time to scrap!

i actually can't remember a girl who isn't a gf pissing me off... lol

wait one time a female friend of mine kind of got big headed bc she wanted me to beat up some guy who disrespected her. it kind of made me like "wtf is this crap??" but watever i still handled it for her. but since then i was like "stay away" lol

i think one time when i was drunk, some girl was acting shady to my gf, so i went up to her and i was like "where the fkk is your bf?" like i wanted to kick his arse bc she was pissin me off... lol

 

[2XtremeENFP]

But I feel self-conscious bringing it up, because I don't want to bring up the single incident as that seems really touchy, but I don't want to go into the seminar on the pattern (when that seems to be the issue) because that can seem really heavy & psychoanalytical.

That's exactly how I feel. When I try to explain that to other non-NFs they look at me like I'm stupid. I'll have to memorize what you said so I can explain that the next time I'm in a situation like that. Very well said.

I suppose that I'm "benefit of the doubt"-driven because I just don't want things to be awkward between me and the other person of conflict. Calling someone out on something is scary because they could think so many things behind the given problem situation.

 

[Maverick]

This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

Aaaah yes.

Boundaries... At one point can we decide that someone has gone over the line? I relate to proteanmix's post. If some action is done repeatedly, then you really should start asking yourself questions...

Other than that, I'd like to think that giving people the benefit of the doubt is a very positive and healthy behavior. As implied by toonia, you invite a positive response by being positive yourself. Of course, if all else fails after multiple attemps, then you have to change strategy.

Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. You gotta give people the chance to change and reform, they don't always realize they are stepping on your toes. It is part of true empathy and caring for others to give people the truth but in a way that does not automatically assume they had negative intentions.

Excellent point