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  1. #41
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Two books:

    Getting to Yes.

    Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.
    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jae Rae View Post
    Many of us are raised to value other people's feelings above our own. We have to unlearn that, set healthy boundaries and not be so damn NICE and understanding all the time.

    I agree with BerberElla - giving others another chance often just leads to being taken advantage of yet again. But start acting differently and others will start treating you differently.

    I had a realization with a friend over the weekend - she gave a toga party, but when I showed up, I was the only one in a toga! I was mad and let her know it. But the biggest part was that I knew she would continue to let me down in various ways as long as I let her. There's no way I'd ever go to a party of hers in a costume again because I see she can't be trusted.

    Somehow being embarrassed at her party brought this home better than years of waiting 45 minutes for her to show up and other acts of thoughtlessness. I already make very cautious plans with her and it's going to be a long time before I feel up to it again.
    Embarrassment in public is harder for me than just about anything else. Unfortunately, it's usually me that does it to myself, but if I had a friend who embarrassed me and I thought it was done maliciously, she would never hear from me again. I also give people the benefit of the doubt but not over and over again, I drop them.

    I was the INFJ kid who sat as far away from the teacher as possible. I had a best friend in high school who had a bit of an ugly streak (turns out she was slapped around by her dad alot). One time I was wearing a skirt that had a big zipper right up the front. I was passing out papers and when I came to my friend's desk she reached up and pulled the zipper down. I barely caught my skirt from falling off (thank God I had a slip on) and several of the kids, including her, were laughing their asses off. I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry which would have been even more embarrassing. I ran to the back and zipped my skirt back up and when I turned around my friend said "Oh my God, look how red her face is!", I walked over to my friend and pulled her out of her desk by the hair which made a lot of noise because the desk fell over too. At that point my intention was to drag her out into the hall where I could beat the crap out of her but the teacher grabbed me from behind and pulled me off. I was suspended for 3 days.

    The tough thing is, I've never had more than one or two really good friends at a time so I'm more likely to put up with their untimliness, changes to plans, etc., but eventually I get sick of it then I quit responding.

  3. #43
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    This is an issue of poor boundaries. You can see people for how they are, appreciate their best aspects, wish them all the best, and still recognize when they're being assholes. If you really care about them, and they really care about you, then you've got to communicate your upsets and needs to these people and give them the chance to respond accordingly.

  4. #44
    IBleedPumpkinJuice thepumpkinpot's Avatar
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    I've made the experience that giving the benefit of the doubt is only appropriate in certain cases. There are certain cases where I can see maybe there's something else behind it - something that doesn't have anything to do with ill intent. Sometimes I still feel angry or sad about what they did but will give myself some time to get over it and then go and try to find out what the truth is.
    Aside from that, through various experiences I have learned what certain "bad" behaviours mean and when the personality to the "bad" behaviour fits, then I'll either get my Te-hammer out (happens naturally nowadays) and kind of mark my territory, so they know where their place is. Or option two is, if it's someone I can avoid effortlessly, I'll simply do that.

    I have worked on my boundaries the last years and I am by no means the boundary-police, but I know where the limits are and what I'm willing to put up with and which things won't go with me and I don't make any exceptions on that. Period.
    .

    On afternoons I walk the graves
    The rusted cars, the mine shaft caves
    I'm away for weeks
    Arrive at night
    It's just me among the weeds
    Among the ghosts, among the leaves.



    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Please ignore certain spelling and grammatical errors, English is not my mother tongue.
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  5. #45
    hamburger fairy Ogata's Avatar
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    Yes, since it often turns out that people don't deserve it at all. I guess it's like you just have to acknowledge that you're taking a chance when you do that, but on an emotional level, it feels unfair.

    That said, with experience comes better snap judgment, at least with some types. And always look at evidence.
    There's no love in fear.
    - Tool

    Do we want to remind you of something? Yes: the world is good and we belong here.
    - Richard Siken

  6. #46
    Junior Member ~Alissia~'s Avatar
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    I totally relate...and I am also pretty over it !! I think I cut bait a little quicker now then I did before though
    ~~
    ENFP, 7w8sx/so, 749 Tritype, IEE

  7. #47
    Senior Member neko 4's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm harsh for a NF but I don't trust people and rarely feel more sympathy for them than for myself.

  8. #48
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    It depends on the situation. If no one is harmed by whatever happened and it's the first time or deviates from the person's normal habits, I will give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. While you can't blindly trust everyone, I at least try to approach everyone I meet as if they are a kind, considerate, and respectful person.

    Still sometimes I get really bad vibes from people. And then I brushed them aside, which resulted in putting myself in physical danger. A few weeks back I was possibly almost attacked by a man who was giving me weird vibes, which I just shrugged off and continued to pass on the sidewalk. He made threatening gestures and noises at me, so I ran across the street to the other half of the sidewalk and then in the opposite direction.

    Sometimes it's just better to act on your gut instinct, which I should have done from the get go there. When I was about 14, a friend and I walked to get ice cream. A man was sitting outside a car outside of the shop. And he asked us if we wanted a free potato. It seems laughable in hindsight, but we were freaked out by this guy and ran away. To which I wonder, who tries to lure young girls in with vegetables? But, it's often better safe than sorry.
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  9. #49
    Junior Member Arcayne's Avatar
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    Yes. I won't give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. In my experience people are always out looking for themselves and will always put their desires first. Its in my own best interest not to trust others that way anymore, I'm just looking out for myself. I would rather have someone surprise me with good news then let me down.

  10. #50
    Senior Member notmyapples's Avatar
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    I've struggled a lot with setting boundaries and enforcing them without feeling like I'm being cruel. Developing Te a bit has helped me, but I still struggle with feelings of guilt after situations where I need to shut others down, even if I don't regret my actions or strongly believe I am in the right. It's common for NFPs to give the benefit of the doubt because Ne imagines different possibilities or, in your case, explanations for people's behavior while Fi seeks to understand others in an empathetic way. The only real solution to working around this is to develop a backbone and set standards for the behavior you will allow from people in your life. If someone makes a mistake once then fine, but multiple times starts to form a pattern that is now a problem, no matter what excuses you come up with for them. If you choose not to eliminate these small problems before long, your frustration builds and you will eventually blow up. Feeling like a jerk once and awhile because you had to stand your ground is infinitely better than how you feel after losing your head at someone you know doesn't deserve the brunt of your anger.
    "No human being is ever beyond redemption. The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists. How to support that possibility in others & in ourselves is the ultimate question.”
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