• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[MBTI General] NFs, do you get tired of giving people "the benefit of the doubt"?

Jae Rae

Free-Rangin' Librarian
Joined
Nov 19, 2007
Messages
979
MBTI Type
INFJ
Two books:

Getting to Yes.

Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.
 

lillyofthevalley

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
157
MBTI Type
INFJ
Many of us are raised to value other people's feelings above our own. We have to unlearn that, set healthy boundaries and not be so damn NICE and understanding all the time.

I agree with BerberElla - giving others another chance often just leads to being taken advantage of yet again. But start acting differently and others will start treating you differently.

I had a realization with a friend over the weekend - she gave a toga party, but when I showed up, I was the only one in a toga! I was mad and let her know it. But the biggest part was that I knew she would continue to let me down in various ways as long as I let her. There's no way I'd ever go to a party of hers in a costume again because I see she can't be trusted.

Somehow being embarrassed at her party brought this home better than years of waiting 45 minutes for her to show up and other acts of thoughtlessness. I already make very cautious plans with her and it's going to be a long time before I feel up to it again.

Embarrassment in public is harder for me than just about anything else. Unfortunately, it's usually me that does it to myself, but if I had a friend who embarrassed me and I thought it was done maliciously, she would never hear from me again. I also give people the benefit of the doubt but not over and over again, I drop them.

I was the INFJ kid who sat as far away from the teacher as possible. I had a best friend in high school who had a bit of an ugly streak (turns out she was slapped around by her dad alot). One time I was wearing a skirt that had a big zipper right up the front. I was passing out papers and when I came to my friend's desk she reached up and pulled the zipper down. I barely caught my skirt from falling off (thank God I had a slip on) and several of the kids, including her, were laughing their asses off. I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry which would have been even more embarrassing. I ran to the back and zipped my skirt back up and when I turned around my friend said "Oh my God, look how red her face is!", I walked over to my friend and pulled her out of her desk by the hair which made a lot of noise because the desk fell over too. At that point my intention was to drag her out into the hall where I could beat the crap out of her but the teacher grabbed me from behind and pulled me off. I was suspended for 3 days.

The tough thing is, I've never had more than one or two really good friends at a time so I'm more likely to put up with their untimliness, changes to plans, etc., but eventually I get sick of it then I quit responding.
 

KutthroatKawaii

New member
Joined
Apr 1, 2018
Messages
13
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
This is an issue of poor boundaries. You can see people for how they are, appreciate their best aspects, wish them all the best, and still recognize when they're being assholes. If you really care about them, and they really care about you, then you've got to communicate your upsets and needs to these people and give them the chance to respond accordingly.
 

PumpkinMayCare

𝓛ιкєтнє𝓓єνi lмαу
Joined
Mar 2, 2017
Messages
1,078
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
714
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
I've made the experience that giving the benefit of the doubt is only appropriate in certain cases. There are certain cases where I can see maybe there's something else behind it - something that doesn't have anything to do with ill intent. Sometimes I still feel angry or sad about what they did but will give myself some time to get over it and then go and try to find out what the truth is.
Aside from that, through various experiences I have learned what certain "bad" behaviours mean and when the personality to the "bad" behaviour fits, then I'll either get my Te-hammer out (happens naturally nowadays) and kind of mark my territory, so they know where their place is. Or option two is, if it's someone I can avoid effortlessly, I'll simply do that.

I have worked on my boundaries the last years and I am by no means the boundary-police, but I know where the limits are and what I'm willing to put up with and which things won't go with me and I don't make any exceptions on that. Period.
 

Agent Washington

Softserve Ice Cream
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
2,053
Yes, since it often turns out that people don't deserve it at all. I guess it's like you just have to acknowledge that you're taking a chance when you do that, but on an emotional level, it feels unfair.

That said, with experience comes better snap judgment, at least with some types. And always look at evidence.
 

~Alissia~

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2018
Messages
13
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I totally relate...and I am also pretty over it :bye:!! I think I cut bait a little quicker now then I did before though
 

neko 4

New member
Joined
Apr 13, 2017
Messages
437
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp
Maybe I'm harsh for a NF but I don't trust people and rarely feel more sympathy for them than for myself.
 

LucieCat

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2017
Messages
665
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
It depends on the situation. If no one is harmed by whatever happened and it's the first time or deviates from the person's normal habits, I will give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. While you can't blindly trust everyone, I at least try to approach everyone I meet as if they are a kind, considerate, and respectful person.

Still sometimes I get really bad vibes from people. And then I brushed them aside, which resulted in putting myself in physical danger. A few weeks back I was possibly almost attacked by a man who was giving me weird vibes, which I just shrugged off and continued to pass on the sidewalk. He made threatening gestures and noises at me, so I ran across the street to the other half of the sidewalk and then in the opposite direction.

Sometimes it's just better to act on your gut instinct, which I should have done from the get go there. When I was about 14, a friend and I walked to get ice cream. A man was sitting outside a car outside of the shop. And he asked us if we wanted a free potato. It seems laughable in hindsight, but we were freaked out by this guy and ran away. To which I wonder, who tries to lure young girls in with vegetables? But, it's often better safe than sorry.
 

Arcayne

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 2, 2018
Messages
13
MBTI Type
Infp
Yes. I won't give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. In my experience people are always out looking for themselves and will always put their desires first. Its in my own best interest not to trust others that way anymore, I'm just looking out for myself. I would rather have someone surprise me with good news then let me down.
 

notmyapples

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2017
Messages
398
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I've struggled a lot with setting boundaries and enforcing them without feeling like I'm being cruel. Developing Te a bit has helped me, but I still struggle with feelings of guilt after situations where I need to shut others down, even if I don't regret my actions or strongly believe I am in the right. It's common for NFPs to give the benefit of the doubt because Ne imagines different possibilities or, in your case, explanations for people's behavior while Fi seeks to understand others in an empathetic way. The only real solution to working around this is to develop a backbone and set standards for the behavior you will allow from people in your life. If someone makes a mistake once then fine, but multiple times starts to form a pattern that is now a problem, no matter what excuses you come up with for them. If you choose not to eliminate these small problems before long, your frustration builds and you will eventually blow up. Feeling like a jerk once and awhile because you had to stand your ground is infinitely better than how you feel after losing your head at someone you know doesn't deserve the brunt of your anger.
 

Lark

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

Can anyone relate?

Plan to give this thread a careful reading, it could even be opinion forming. :)
 
Top