[NF] Why Do NFs Apologize So Much?

[Amargith]

Conflict can be healthy, though!

No doubt, but the manner in which it is done, can make it a lot less painful
I have no problem exchanging points of view as it might enrich my own, but as soon as it becomes negative instead of positive feedback, I will appologize and back away, as I assume that I've somehow violated your borders. If you in turn violate mine, there's no room left for curiosity. Respecting each others space is far more condusive (sp?) than make people back up into a defensive little corner. If you do by accident feel you've violated them and a sorry can rectify that, you can continue your conversation on neutral territory.

 

[Darjur]

I can't seem to understand why do the NF's seem to like NTs so much? I gained a feeling just now, that I'm completely annihilating their self worth all the time I'm talking to them.

Perhaps all of the NF's I know are masochists?

 

[Synarch]

I can't seem to understand why do the NF's seem to like NTs so much? I gained a feeling just now, that I'm completely annihilating their self worth all the time I'm talking to them.

Perhaps all of the NF's I know are masochists?

Well, they may just know you're kidding.

 

[Amargith]

I can't seem to understand why do the NF's seem to like NTs so much? I gained a feeling just now, that I'm completely annihilating their self worth all the time I'm talking to them.

Perhaps all of the NF's I know are masochists?

We love you because you're different. And if we know you well enough then we can 'acclimatize' to your kind of expression, which causes us to react less strongly. Also, we love your dry humor and intelligence

 

[Nonsensical]

Whenever something goes wrong, or someone ends up upset in anyway, or both..we, or I atleast, always feel that it's either my fault, or that we feel deeply sorry for the person, even if it's their fault..so it's our natural tendency to be sorry for a person, even if it is their fault..our feelings act, and we may not use our logical side. In other words, we don't look at it as "oh, it's their fault, so they deserve to be upset or whatever," but we feel sorry for the person, no matter the circumstances. If that at all makes sense..and if It doesn't, I'm sorry

 

[BlueScreen]

I can't seem to understand why do the NF's seem to like NTs so much? I gained a feeling just now, that I'm completely annihilating their self worth all the time I'm talking to them.

Perhaps all of the NF's I know are masochists?

Actually we love arguing. Or at least ENFPs do. Maybe if you kick us in the head for a year we will see it as violating our self worth, but Fi is pretty solid. It doesn't really get shaken by much external. Questioning the very core of us or humanity is a rush which is rarely offered by the outside world. When you see ENFPs into it in arguing remember that we work contextually. What you say about certain things to do with us bears no implication of good or bad person or soul. When we get annoyed it is usually about future damage that statements can cause to others or other's potential.

We normally apologise to clear misunderstandings with others. It is sort of a statement of I understand the mistake. If we are wrong to apologise then feel free to beat it in, rather than mimic us and make a half-hearted "don't worry" as a response.

 

[BlackCat]

I will get angry when someone questions my Fi then quickly apologise. I hate conflict and if I don't apologise then I will feel like they secretly hate me for some reason.

 

[Anja]

I felt so totally different and misunderstood by everyone around me as a young INFP that I developed the habit of nearly apologizing for my very existence.

I suspect much of that was done for social comfort both in feeling accepted and also for consideration of others' feelings. I assumed everyone else felt things as intensely as I did.

When I realized how much personal power I was giving away with this annoying habit I learned to curb the quick, "I'm sorry."

 

[kyuuei]

=( I know I tend to apologize a lot. I get called out on it frequently.. Part of it is remnants of a time I thought I wasn't worth anything, so thus my mere presense was imposing and offensive and rude, in my mind, to everyone around me. Luckily, I've moved on to greater and better things.. The habits of old mix in with the reassurance that if I am polite when I say anything, and people are still rude back, I at least have the security of knowing I was polite.

I have no problem saying what's on my mind, even if everyone disagrees.. but generally the times I'm not apologizing out of my ass and just conversing.. I end up being taken wrong. So to avoid those times, I simply apologize to everyone.

 

[miss fortune]

Somehow I'm recalling that my ENFJ sister more commonly makes people appologize to her than appologizing to others....

 

[cherchair]

Why do NFs apologize so much?

I've only seen this in INFJ's. They're harmony addicts.

Really? I do know that I'm ridiculously conflict-avoidant, but I don't necessarily do a lot of apologizing unless I sense I've hurt someone. Instead, I tend to go along with things and be pretty laidback until someone crosses one of my lines and then, dear God, Katie bar the door! Even then, I sometimes don't confront the other person but will just disappear for however long it takes me to get over the line-crossing (sometimes I never do).

I realize how P-A this all sounds, so clearly it's something I need to work on. Sometimes if I can take the time to write down my thoughts on an issue, I can go back and be--well, not confrontational--but make my position clear without the need to apologize.

 

[Lady_X]

hmmm.......i don't think i do that with people that are close to me but with new people i guess i do just because i don't wanna fight with em..haha...idk sounds silly...thanks

 

[mlittrell]

read the NF temperament profile from Please Understand Me part II, that should answer your question. i personally only apologize only when i see that it is truly warranted.

 

[Amargith]

I know that I can sometimes find someone annoying if I think their idea is stupid or cruel, but even then, that emotion just sort of 'sits off to the side' -- it is not the primary thing driving my conversation with that person, it's just another piece of data to be taken into account, and I still instinctively try to converse based on what is being said, not how I feel about the other person.

So it is possible to not like someone, or to simply be frustrated with them, but still act very decently and openly with them...

Still, I know what it's like to be scared to contribute, fearing rejection. It can seem like a mountain sometimes.

We pick up on you being frustrated and although we like exchanging thoughts..our primary goal is to conserve our relationship with you. That means that the discussion takes a back seat till the disharmony has been dealt with. If we know the person well, it is usually less of a problem, as we know how they feel about us general, even if they disagree with what we're saying at that moment. With a stranger though, you never know if you've left a lasting impression while rubbing them the wrong way.

I dunno about the rest, but picking up on your frustration while you're being polite can go two ways: I recognize that you're trying to accomodate me, which can cause me to either feel grateful or guilty (depending on how much you are accomodating me), or, I start becoming paranoid as to whether or not I'm reading this right and if so, why you are faking things (I realize you don't fake, from your point of view, but that's how I at that moment perceive it)

 

[helen]

Is it just me or does anyone else even apologize to inanimate objects? If I bump into furniture I apologize to it.

Yes! I have done this many times. It happens automatically. As far as I knew I was the only one. :hi:

 

[Anja]

The first couple of sentences of your post, Amargith, sound spot on! I doubt that other types recognize how much we value our connection with them.

It's the world I thrive in - that of connection and harmony. But it has to be the real deal, not a mock up. And I work for that clarity.

The playing field has to be clear of crap first. Perhaps a start is the question itself.

It's like, no, I'm not apologizing because I think I'm worthless. I'm apologizing because you and your values have worth to me. I'm apologizing because I haven't figured out a way to develop understanding yet. I want to make sure I haven't ruffled your feathers and get us off to a good start.

Does that summarize it?

I've run into a lot of people in my life who have misunderstood my intentions because they don't carry that same value.

This winter, in a group exercise a woman said to me, "I think you're just being nice because you don't want anyone to hurt you." Hmm. First I was startled and some taken aback that she'd assume that I wasn't being my genuine self.

Next I wondered why she would feel like I was defending against her trying to hurt me. Why would she ever want to hurt me? I don't approach friendships expecting someone to be hurtful for no reason.

Then I started to feel insecure in my relationship with her given this side of her nature she'd just exposed. That she viewed kindness as an attempt to manipulate her.

Then I started to feel sad for her that that was what she had learned about relationships.

It was a very odd and eye-opening moment.

 

[helen]

On why I apologize too much:

Much of the time, my purpose in talking to someone is to build a connection with them, of whatever kind, not merely to convey and exchange information and ideas. Once the connection is there and is being maintained, the idea exchange and debate stuff becomes fun, but only then.

I have heard NFs are open about their feelings but guarded about their thoughts, and NTs are open about their thoughts but guarded about their feelings.

I don't always know which remarks/observations/comments are likely to "click" with a particular individual or miss. Sometimes I apologize to try and gauge this, as well as to make sure any possible missteps are covered. It is important to me that my friends know I mean well and care about their feelings. But it's all about establishing a comfort level. If you want me to not apologize, be clear that you won't taken offense and really want to know what I really think.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Question

If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?

 

[helen]

Question

If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?

Nah, I'm too quick for that. I just say "I know" sometimes give a reason and sometimes don't, and then try to apologize less around that person.

 

[Anja]

Question

If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?

:yim_rolling_on_the_