• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] INFJs, Social Masks, and Juvenile Behavior

Old Cheney

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2014
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INTJ
So my older brother happens to be an INFJ. For the most part we've had a fantastic relationship throughout childhood and into out adult lives, but I've noticed some peculiar behavior - some of which I'm already aware can be typical of INFJs - and I'm curious to see how many other INFJs (or NFs, in general) share these behaviors, and what your motivation behind them might be.

The first his tendency to wear social masks, faking traits that aren't really prominent when he's just being himself. Most often, this takes the form of replacing his I with an E, and his F with a T.

The second is his tendency to resort to petty or juvenile behavior when in an argument, or, occasionally, to assert a form of social dominance (via antagonistic behavior) over others. Often even when proven wrong, he'll attempt to change the subject, and rarely admit actually being in the wrong. Other times, if he's done something that's plainly rude or inconsiderate, he'll refuse to apologize, even if he can't deny that his actions were in the wrong. Similarly to his behavior when losing an argument or debate, he begins to avoid the topic, and will sometimes go so far as to physically leave the room before ever admitting any form of defeat, or regret for past actions.

I've never really grasped his motivation behind these behaviors, so any insight would be appreciated.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I don't relate to any of this, and as a person who has formed deep friendships with INFJs here and on PercC, as a person who also has an older brother who is an INFJ, I think the behavior you describe is not necessarily normative for the type at all. It is at least not particularly related to Ni-function.

He could be a borderline type that is actually more extroverted. There are male Te-doms I've encountered who I suspect are actually Fe-doms who behave this way in debate when they are in their teens and twenties.
 

Old Cheney

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2014
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INTJ
I don't relate to any of this, and as a person who has formed deep friendships with INFJs here and on PercC, as a person who also has an older brother who is an INFJ, I think the behavior you describe is not necessarily normative for the type at all. It is at least not particularly related to Ni-function.

He could be a borderline type that is actually more extroverted. There are male Te-doms I've encountered who I suspect are actually Fe-doms who behave this way in debate when they are in their teens and twenties.
That's interesting. I hadn't assumed it to be so common that it was a standard trait, but I've heard it that it isn't uncommon for INFJs to put up these types of social masks.

It could definitely be possible that he just doesn't fit squarely into the INFJ type, but I do know from observation that he's very introverted, and I'm one of the few people that he'll outright admit to acting outgoing for the sake of smoothing over social interactions.
 
N

ndovjtjcaqidthi

Guest
Lol.

I don't relate to any of this, and as a person who has formed deep friendships with INFJs here and on PercC, as a person who also has an older brother who is an INFJ, I think the behavior you describe is not necessarily normative for the type at all.

Does this say a lot?
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
5,393
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
729
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
The second is his tendency to resort to petty or juvenile behavior when in an argument, or, occasionally, to assert a form of social dominance (via antagonistic behavior) over others. Often even when proven wrong, he'll attempt to change the subject, and rarely admit actually being in the wrong. Other times, if he's done something that's plainly rude or inconsiderate, he'll refuse to apologize, even if he can't deny that his actions were in the wrong. Similarly to his behavior when losing an argument or debate, he begins to avoid the topic, and will sometimes go so far as to physically leave the room before ever admitting any form of defeat, or regret for past actions.

This describes my ENFJ father pretty well. He does apologize sometimes, but the overall feeling of what you said definitely applies. Also, his apologies are often bitter or with a caveat. I could only guess as to his motives, so I feel that would be unfair.

I also have always been close with my dad, but this kind of behavior has caused some rocky times in our relationship. I'm sure I KNOW I do things that he doesn't understand or like too.
 

Old Cheney

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2014
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INTJ
This describes my ENFJ father pretty well. He does apologize sometimes, but the overall feeling of what you said definitely applies. Also, his apologies are often bitter or with a caveat. I could only guess as to his motives, so I feel that would be unfair.

I also have always been close with my dad, but this kind of behavior has caused some rocky times in our relationship. I'm sure I KNOW I do things that he doesn't understand or like too.
Occasionally my brother will apologize for his actions as well, but like your father, it's very often bitter and forced. Almost how you'd imagine a small child who was forced to apologize by his mom or dad would do it.

I should probably mention that my brother is generally a very kind and generous person. While he might put on his social mask pretty often, rarely is he involved in any sort of conflict that would escalate to the more petty behavior I've mentioned. It's definitely not every day stuff - I was just curious about it because it's so noticeably out of his character in comparison to every other aspect of personality. It's like conflict makes him become a whole different person, even if it's fairly small, insignificant conflict.
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
5,393
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
729
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Occasionally my brother will apologize for his actions as well, but like your father, it's very often bitter and forced. Almost how you'd imagine a small child who was forced to apologize by his mom or dad would do it.

I should probably mention that my brother is generally a very kind and generous person. While he might put on his social mask pretty often, rarely is he involved in any sort of conflict that would escalate to the more petty behavior I've mentioned. It's definitely not every day stuff - I was just curious about it because it's so noticeably out of his character in comparison to every other aspect of personality. It's like conflict makes him become a whole different person, even if it's fairly small, insignificant conflict.

Yep, totally! Same with my dad. He's generally very chill, and has always been a really loving, emotionally available father, which I know isn't super-common in the dad world. We also share our NF-ness, so we've always had a special bond. But yeah, you're completely right when you say it seems out of character. I mean, now it's a pretty integrated part of my perception of him as a whole person, but it's a definite switch-flip. In my experience, the triggers are when 1) he feels disrespected or undermined or when 2) someone is about to do something he doesn't want them to do.
 

Eilonwy

Vulnerability
Joined
Oct 12, 2009
Messages
7,051
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
The first his tendency to wear social masks, faking traits that aren't really prominent when he's just being himself. Most often, this takes the form of replacing his I with an E, and his F with a T.
Do you know for sure he's faking? Faking is always a possibility, but it could be natural behavior, too. I can seem pretty extraverted in certain social situations. Sometimes it can be forced because it's expected, but more often I enjoy the people I'm around and become very animated and talkative. The more comfortable I feel, the more animated I can be. Especially in small groups. I tend to be quieter/shyer in one-on-one situations. I also, without really thinking about it, tend to mimic the people I'm around. I take on their mannerisms and speech patterns. Even when I'm aware of doing this, I find it difficult to stop sometimes. As for motivation, I see it as part of my natural way of getting to know people better by trying to share their experience.

I'll get back to you on the second half of your questions when I have more time.
 

Old Cheney

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2014
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INTJ
Do you know for sure he's faking? Faking is always a possibility, but it could be natural behavior, too. I can seem pretty extraverted in certain social situations. Sometimes it can be forced because it's expected, but more often I enjoy the people I'm around and become very animated and talkative. The more comfortable I feel, the more animated I can be. Especially in small groups. I tend to be quieter/shyer in one-on-one situations. I also, without really thinking about it, tend to mimic the people I'm around. I take on their mannerisms and speech patterns. Even when I'm aware of doing this, I find it difficult to stop sometimes. As for motivation, I see it as part of my natural way of getting to know people better by trying to share their experience.

I'll get back to you on the second half of your questions when I have more time.

I'm certain he fakes it, because he's admitted to me that he fakes it. Granted, there are times when he's more outgoing and friendly and he's being himself, as well. This usually depends on the company present: if it's someone he considers a close friend, he's genuinely more enthusiastic. We've always been pretty close, and also share a good amount of friends, so it isn't difficult to tell when he's putting on a front and when he isn't.
 

statuesquechica

New member
Joined
Jul 8, 2009
Messages
428
MBTI Type
INFj
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I am INFJ and what you describe from your brother is completely foreign to me. I have no problem apologizing or clearing the air because it brings a sense of release for me. I am so hypersensitive to the other person's feelings that if I feel I have said something rude or hurtful I will feel compelled to apologize because I am focused on their needs/feelings, sometimes over my own. If I have made a mistake I will want the other person to know as quickly as possible, sometimes too quickly, as people process words and feelings at different rates.

I have experienced moments of unease, bordering on panic, if I can't reconnect to the person and make amends. My last relationship was with an ENTP and he would often not acknowledge my apology (he didn't have to accept it, just hear it), which was painful to endure, until I understood he needed more time to process his feelings.
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
5,393
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
729
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
differences could be enneagram-related. especially with reactionary behaviors.
 
Top