[MBTI General] INFJ + INTJ = _____

[lane777]

i think it just depends on how the rest of your life is balancing out. what needs are being satisfied, what you need developmentally, where your ideals are at any given moment.

ie i used to think it would be impossible for me to date any girl who wasn't an artist. now i realize there are other ways to inspire myself, instill creativity into every aspect of my life including my relationship, and meet and connect with other people with whom i can foster a creative partnership with outside of s.o. territory.

i think this is similar. some people want intrigue, they want it to dominate their attention, to consume them with mystery, unknown, exploration, adventure. it's fun for what it is. others want to be recognized, appreciated, and loved in a myriad of ways. fitting them together is where things get speechlessly confusing.

I understand the fascination or attraction to mystery. I'm an INFJ after all. But I suppose I've come to accept that mystery, along with physical beauty for example, are temporary, so I don't allow them to be my focal point. Qualities though, like humour, gentleness, kindness, loyalty etc. are all long lasting (or at least capable of being so). I suppose, I pity (for lack of a better word) those who value such a temporal thing, because that particular need cannot always be met. I don't mean to come off as degrading or condescending... I really can't think of a better word

Ah - I see... I think from my point of view too I need a relationship to stimulate (I'm currently with an ISTP who is constantly changing) and if I were "too similar" I would think "where's the puzzle? Where's the fun?"

How long have you been with this ISTP? I can't imagine he will "change" for long, if you know what I mean. Eventually you'll pick up on a pattern. Or no?

Or maybe I've just having a tough time understanding because I have never met anyone who has surprised me, or has been difficult to figure out. I notice patterns in everyone. After a short time, everyone is pretty much predictable, in my experience.

*sigh* I don't think I'm properly understanding any of you three.

 

[the state i am in]

meh, you just have a different perspective. nothing to feel bad about at all. i think we each have different needs, perhaps i have a little more vainglory in me. wanted to be more appreciated and recognized for it when i was younger. i'm an enneagram 5w4. for much of my life ive felt a sense of disconnect from others, outsidedness, etc. as a result, i feel like i want to capture the greatest prize, proclaimed to be the greatest hero, etc. its the individualist thing of an enneagram 4 with the sense of coldness and alienation of an unhealthy enneagram 5.

i've always wanted to attach to inspiration, to connect with it, in a way that transcends my own small social sphere of influence. manifest destiny, expansiveness, etc. i'm an sx type, my stacking would be sx/sp. without the wide-ranging social circle, ive tended to put most of my eggs in one basket. family has been secondary to me to any connection that could possibly recognize and understand me in ways that were strangling me. you want the intensity of the most concise and powerful film. the lead actress in your film. everything is heightened and explosive like art, etc. it's the difference between being balanced and wildly swinging one way out of control, demanding life produce a soundtrack to make itself more meaningful at all times, blah blah blah.

 

[Wyst]

The "figuring out" process takes about a week or two.

That's a horrible way to gauge how worth your while a relationship is. Human mystique is not limitless so will you just be skipping around and never settle down?

 

[Wyst]

I enjoy the mystery too. But eventually, it always ends. Yes, some sooner than others. But what if your soul mate is the easiest to figure out? Are you going to toss him/her aside? The whole point of being with someone is loving them, not the mystery.

Exactly.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

at university, when i was 19, i met my future husband, an INTJ. i didn't know he would become a serious relationship, THE ONE serious relationship of my life, i was just having fun. the first night we partied together we messed around (not sex, but close ) cuz i just found him so hot i couldn't resist his sexual charisma. i had been waiting for the right person for years, and always knew intuitively right off the bat that guys i dated once, or knew already, weren't The One. so when i met this intj, i was attracted to his quiet confidence, and i could tell he was smart and funny, two major, but unconscious requirements of mine.

we sort-of became party friends. we didn't date, but since we lived in the same apartments, we would get together mostly on weekends and play drinking games, etc. and usually end up messing around. so we had a great physical relationship going right out of the gate, but still i refused to have sex with him as i didn't want to go that far unless i was sure i was in love.

it took many months of seeing him in this way until i realized i was falling for him. every little thing i learned about him made me fall a little more. i remember one night talking about literature and being impressed that he knew and liked the same books i liked, etc. finally, i wanted to really start dating him, but found it hard to break him out of the party realm with me into the 'real relationship' realm. he was occasionally dating girls in his various classes, but i was 'apartment/party girl,' and he knew he had a good connection with me, but was afraid of making it real.....afraid of the seriousness he could feel below the surface with me, afraid of falling. intjs, like infjs, take a long time to allow another intimate in.

finally, through harmless trickery involving jealousy , we started 'dating' in earnest. a couple months later i was ready to make it real physically. and once we made love, that was it for him. he fell completely. i had already fallen.

he is fucking hot and passionate in bed. in fact, i read on here, in some posts that intj and infj are two of the 'best' in the sack (haha). i don't know about that, but i do know, compared to my friends and others i know, that we have sex frequently and he is extremely physical, and good. i have known him so long that it is hard for me to see him objectively, but since i've been studying mbti, i've told him that his type is supposed to be hard to get to know and private and hold back part of themselves (which i don't see from my perspective), and he says that he let me in because he loves me so much, and i am his everything, still, after 21 years together.

i agree with "the state i am in" that i have the itch for excitement now, for challenge, for something different. but. i cannot imagine ever, ever, ever, having this high-quality relationship with any other person. i think, at least where i was at in my 20's and 30's, intf + infj was just what the doctor ordered.

 

[intuitiveadrenalinejunkie]

didnt work for me; but dont really think that was due to personality type (rather age difference, and physical distance (we ended up living in different countries)). while it was on, we had a great time — lot of "nerding," quite an intellectual connection (interest in int. stuff; especially writing, journalism). i found one great difficulty, philosophically, to be that the INTJ (which i believe is common) views man as fundamentally BAD/EVIL, whilst I (NFJ) believe the opposite (which i also believe is common). been a long time now, so i might have forgotten a lot. i remember i was drawn to her quiet depth; and pushed away by her sometimes harsh, cynical view of things, and endless use of sarcasm (as defence mechanism also). extremely loyal type, though, which i think is important for INFJs in general. never felt such loyalty, such natural commitment in a relationship; which was a beautiful thing...

anyway, old post here, might be of interest, on INFJ - INTJ sex life: http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...pics/3674-female-intj-sexuality-pep-talk.html

this post was a mess; so was my head at the time.

 

[sulfit]

The misunderstandings between INTJs and INFJs I find come from the judging functions:
INTJ uses TeFi - extraverted logic to judge the world, introverted feeling to judge inner self and personal decisions
INFJ uses FeTi - extraverted feeling to judge the world, introverted logic to judge inner self and personal decisions

With an INTJ I usually feel a very good connection over our intuitive function being dominant and our sensory function being inferior. We both like spending a lot of time analyzing things which makes for interesting conversations. We are both curious, introverted personalities that don't pay attention to a lot of sensor-oriented fluff in this world as this fluff is meaningless to us both. We both like looking deeper, way below the surface, and both seek meaning and purpose in things. My perception of INTJs is that they are serious, dependable, mature, and deep. And for a well-developed INTJ personality I usually have a lot of respect.

However the FeTi/TeFi differences can be really upsetting. INTJs inherently give me an air of being self-centered and selfish. If they feel something is wrong or they harbor negative feelings towards a person, that's it, it's a no-go from there. I am apt to swallow my personal feelings to do certain things and relate to people I don't necessarily like. To me INTJ's unwillingness to swallow own feelings but instead insiste on smearing the outside world with them seems very selfish. Especially that Fi is INTJ's tertiary not very developed function. I am actually fascinated by Fi in INFPs and ISFPs as it is their primary function so sometime I am amazed at its breadth and scope of feelings in these people. But in INTJ it is tertiary and can come out in a form that is repulsive and grotesque to me. This may depend on personality too, as this only applies to a small group of INTJs I have known in my life. I am not sure what they think of my Fe but I am guessing they think it is inauthentic.

Then of course there is the Ti/Te divide. INTJs are sensitive to people interacting with their world in illogical manner. For example an INTJ got thoroughly pissed at me when I forgot to pay a bill on time. For me it is nothing to really blow up about and it offended my Fe, but perspective of his Te it is probably a significant offense. They like people interacting with the world in a practical, pragmatic manner, and this is something INFJs do not really do. INTJ's problem with my introverted logic is that he or she doesn't see it as logic at all. Introverted logic is simply invalid to the INTJ. While they insist of personalized expression of feelings, that there can be anything else but group logic just escapes them. I have been accused by INTJs for example of being irrational and using my feelings to make my decisions, while instead, in my head my Ti has built this beautiful model that it tells me is some action is in fact logical just not by outside standards. So I am basing my decisions on logic, it is just not logic that corresponds to the latest consensus of what is logical. Other problem I have with Te is that I find expressions of Ti to be stimulating and creative. Te for me is predictable and thus I find it boring.

So an INTJ is definitely a better pick as partner for INFJ than an ISTJ or ESTJ for example, but given that I have a lot of choice, I would try to have a long-term serious relationship with my own FeTi kind.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

If you married, it'd be wonder if either of you ever left the house.

 

[mochajava]

If you married, it'd be wonder if either of you ever left the house.

Does this apply to all introvert-introvert pairings, EW?

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Does this apply to all introvert-introvert pairings, EW?

I was sort of teasing. Sort of.

I've dated both INTJs and INFJs seriously. I love both these types. And, in general, I've found you guys to be AWESOME kind of people!

But as for the OP which ponders INTJ/INFJ pairings, I'd be concerned about the long term sustainability of such relationships.

I've come to believe that what works best in SO relationships is a delicate combination of similarity and differences. It's not that two I's couldn't make it work. It's just that it might not be optimal. But then again, no relationship is always optimal. So I guess the best we can hope for is choosing what kinds of "lack of optimal-ness" we deal with.

There is a really, really good article about this issue on socionics.us.

• Complementary and Resonatory Traits in Compatible Relationships

Let me just quote a couple of lines here:
.

..the basic concept is simple: for relationships to be compatible at a close psychological distance, some traits need to be shared by both partners ("resonatory" traits), while other traits need to complement each other ("complementary" traits)... For the greatest compatibility, partners need to naturally strive to take responsibility for decision-making in different areas of life. Leadership should smoothly and painlessly change hands from one partner to the other depending on which aspect of their activities is at the forefront. - from "Complementary and Resonatory Traits in Compatible Relationships"

If my anecdotal experience means anything to the readers of this thread, I'll share that the E/I combination works best for me. Dating another E means all sorts of weird, redundant energies. I imagine that while there would be many pluses for a fully-introverted couple, there would be negatives, too.

Like I said, the best we can hope for is choosing which relationship problems we want to deal with. So it's not about if two introverts would work well together. It's about if such a relationship would work well for the both of you.

(Oh, and I would pay good money to see an INTJ and INFJ in a fight. You both can be so darn stubborn. I'm not sure who would come out of the ring alive. )

 

[mochajava]

EW: (Oh, and I would pay good money to see an INTJ and INFJ in a fight. You both can be so darn stubborn. I'm not sure who would come out of the ring alive. )

Cute comment - but aren't INFJs relatively conflict averse? I feel like I really pick my battles and prioritize them... and don't think of INFJs as stubborn, unless it's some huge social issue like civil rights.

I'm married to an INTJ - do you have any questions for me?

And yes - we do get out of the house, host dinners, parties, organize events (usually me doing the contacting people, him helping with logistics). But we might not always be going out to parties, bars, and restaurants -- maybe our outings are more likely to be picnics, museums, cafes, and hikes.

Being an extrovert, it might be hard to have seen two introverts together interacting as they normally would. The other way is easier -- the extrovert pairs I hang out with don't seem to mind my quiet presence; I think they are probably fairly similar when I'm not around.