[ENFP] The Unlikeable ENFP: A Freak of Nature

[Stansmith]

At the beginning of freshman year, I was extremely optimistic after a tough 4 years of highschool and felt like the sky was the limit. I had friends I could hang out with practically whenever (friends I made during a summer workshop), I looked good, got numbers, I was relatively content with life. I was at my absolute peak in every facet of life. The male ENFP was finally appreciated by his peers.

Then disappointment started to set in and lets just say my expectations weren't being met and I gradually started feeling like I was in highschool again. As people started to slowly distance themselves trom me, I figured my true colors had been shown and started to believe that I just had a shit, unloveable personality and was meant to be alone after all. I was hated in middle school, in highschool, and now in College, there can't be any other explanation besides the fact that I'm an inherently sh-tty person. I'm immature, inappropriate, borderline-narcissistic, loud, selfish, overwhelming, effeminate, pretentious, alienating, cowardly, self-deprecating. I'm practically a 12 year old and have literally no positive virtues, as if god just took the worst Fi and Ne traits and just dumped them on me. Even an ESTP acquantince told me I had a shit personality frankly, as if it was common knowledge. Everyday at lunch I'd have to watch a male ENFJ (who i initially enjoyed being around) charm all of my former friends and all of my crushes with his humble Fe everyman sensibilities, and be reminded why I'm a shit person.

Fast forward to the summer and I've pretty much been deprived of any social interaction for the past 2 months (only have one person who's actually curious as to what I'm doing). I don't care about or want to do anything. I used to groom consistently, work out, and diet, but that's irrelevant when noone loves or wants you anyway. I leave the house but I never interact with anyone, I just go to my destination and back. I could contact "friends" but pretty much noone likes or cares for me and I'd rather not look like a brown noser. Even the thought of socializing feels unfulfilling and I don't even know if I'm capable of enjoying anyone's presence anymore, I'm experiencing pure anhedonia. The only positive mood I feel anymore is pure (hypo)mania, and with all these extreme ups and downs, I don't even know what it's like to be a normal person anymore. I hung out with someone a week ago while feeling very elated and energetic (hypomanic), and after a great day went home to suicidal thoughts. The last time I was a happy person was when I was 12 or 11, and even then I was an annoying ADHD twat. The people I used to vent to got fed up with me and cut contact, even my closest friend whos put up with me for the past 4 years. I feel like a mental vegetable at this point.

So yeah, I'm here, how do I get out?

 

[Stansmith]

As for that other thread where it's being speculated that I'm an xSTP, all im gonna say is that I wasn't conveying my personality the right way.

 

[skylights]

You sound very focused on lots of external variables that are really not under your control - or, at least, you realize that something inside is not working and the outside is falling away because of it. You can try to recenter your inner Fi values. What matters most to you? What is most important for you to do with your life? Try to prioritize your life around your Fi values and everything else should begin falling into place. This is, of course, assuming you are ENFP, but the format should be basically correct for anyone, regardless. Choose what is most important in your life and rework your life around that.

As people started to slowly distance themselves trom me, I figured my true colors had been shown and started to believe that I just had a shit, unloveable personality and was meant to be alone after all. I was hated in middle school, in highschool, and now in College, there can't be any other explanation besides the fact that I'm an inherently sh-tty person.

A lot of times friendships don't last simply because there's no sustaining glue for them anymore, not necessarily because of anything awful about you. I found that my friend group really changed through college... mostly my freshman/sophomore friends were orientation acquaintances, lived in the dorms near me, in my classes, etc., but as time went on people started to gravitate more and more towards others who shared lifestyles or interests.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

You know, as they say, it's not important that you fall, the important thing is that you get up again (cut to Chawbawamba song)

I know what you're saying because I was also a genius up to uni or beyond and then there were moments were it got way difficult and i wasn't expecting. Another example, I was a happy chicken all was cool, then i was dumped by the person i loved the most in my life....those are low-points. And I wasn't used to being low.....like you are now. But I learnt, and you should too, that you can't always be perfect and be happy, life is a roller-coaster and the only thing you can control is how to react at the punches it gives ya.
Why don't you start paying less attention to what other people think of you and focus more on what you want to do (Fi), what makes you happy (Fi), your goals for the future (Fi) etc. Stop bringing you down and try to achieve little steps at a time.
Of course, if your problem is also neurological (depression or something like that) then you can always see a professional, if it helps you get better.

 

[Stansmith]

You sound very focused on lots of external variables that are really not under your control - or, at least, you realize that something inside is not working and the outside is falling away because of it. You can try to recenter your inner Fi values. What matters most to you? What is most important for you to do with your life? Try to prioritize your life around your Fi values and everything else should begin falling into place. This is, of course, assuming you are ENFP, but the format should be basically correct for anyone, regardless. Choose what is most important in your life and rework your life around that.



A lot of times friendships don't last simply because there's no sustaining glue for them anymore, not necessarily because of anything awful about you. I found that my friend group really changed through college... mostly my freshman/sophomore friends were orientation acquaintances, lived in the dorms near me, in my classes, etc., but as time went on people started to gravitate more and more towards others who shared lifestyles or interests.

I can't really think of anything tangible that I want or desire. I guess I want to be proud of myself and experience as much of what the world has to offer outside of this gloomy city.

 

[Avocado]

I have expirienced a similar situation, I'm just younger…

 

[skylights]

I can't really think of anything tangible that I want or desire. I guess I want to be proud of myself and experience as much of what the world has to offer outside of this gloomy city.

I understand the desire to explore. What would you need to do to make you proud of yourself? Like... how do you envision yourself when you think about yourself being/becoming successful?

 

[21%]

An Fe angle: you said you had a bad personality -- what does that mean? What is it that you do that offends people? Most of the time they are tangible things, and you can explore them to see why these behaviors are causing grief to other people and what you can do to change. I'm not talking about changing your core and becoming someone you aren't, but sometimes we can be oblivious of how we come across to other people. It is always good to be polite and respectful, as well as considerate to other people's needs. Do what you want other people to do to you. If you like how people are nice and ask you how you are doing, do the same to them. And it should come from within, not just because you want to be liked. I believe everyone is beautiful on the inside, but sometimes that can be clouded over by fear and insecurity, and it makes you do mean, selfish things. You can really work on yourself: the easiest thing being to change outwards behaviors that repel people, while in the mean time work on your inner self and get in touch with who you really are and what your true worth is.

 

[Stansmith]

I understand the desire to explore. What would you need to do to make you proud of yourself? Like... how do you envision yourself when you think about yourself being/becoming successful?

I wanna play by my own rules in life, be someone who stands out and go after what I want instead of being hesitant. But I think that starts with becoming more accepting of myself intrinsically.

 

[Stansmith]

An Fe angle: you said you had a bad personality -- what does that mean? What is it that you do that offends people? Most of the time they are tangible things, and you can explore them to see why these behaviors are causing grief to other people and what you can do to change. I'm not talking about changing your core and becoming someone you aren't, but sometimes we can be oblivious of how we come across to other people. It is always good to be polite and respectful, as well as considerate to other people's needs. Do what you want other people to do to you. If you like how people are nice and ask you how you are doing, do the same to them. And it should come from within, not just because you want to be liked. I believe everyone is beautiful on the inside, but sometimes that can be clouded over by fear and insecurity, and it makes you do mean, selfish things. You can really work on yourself: the easiest thing being to change outwards behaviors that repel people, while in the mean time work on your inner self and get in touch with who you really are and what your true worth is.

I mean, my INFJ and ISFP friends told me that I'm overwhelming or too hyper. And honestly, it's either my sense of humor or being around people I lack chemistry with. I hung around too many jock types admittedly.

 

[21%]

I mean, my INFJ and ISFP friends told me that I'm overwhelming or too hyper. And honestly, it's either my sense of humor or being around people I lack chemistry with. I hung around too many jock types admittedly.

"Overwhelming" to me usually means too high-energy. I like high-energy, especially if it's positive energy, but I have to say high-energy in the "let's make obnoxious jokes all the time" way is too much for me. Most of the time, if the energy is coupled with a decent amount of humility it's actually quite endearing.

I'd say try to listen more and talk less, and see how that goes.

 

[Chiharu]

It's funny that the ENFP stereotype is this warm, bubbly, super-popular person.

I'm kind of glad to hear that you have similar issues, though I wish you didn't.

Most people don't like me, can't deal with me for extended periods of time.

I see myself as passionate and genuine, but most people read that as arrogant and cold (to me, being genuine sometimes involves more muted emotional displays (like I'm not going to squeal and hug you if I don't actually like you that much)).

I also don't have a very expressive face, so people misinterpret my feelings a lot (Thoughtful, not sad. Moderately happy, not indifferent).

 

[Azure Flame]

[MENTION=18664]Stansmith[/MENTION]

an ESTP would never tell you you had a shit personality unless they intended to inflict pain. Your friend sounds ESTJ, as this seems to be their flavor of "upfrontness".

As for you:

"I think, therefore I am."

So stop it. Also, it sounds like you live in suburbia. I'd probably wanna shoot myself if I still lived there. Life is too short for you to sit around and waste time with agoraphobia and self pity.

Hesistant? Quit being a puss and do it. You're young. If you fail, you will stand up smarter and stronger than before. Wisdom doesn't come from the absence of mistakes. Get out there and make mistakes. Fear of the unknown is the only kind of fear that exists. When you venture out there and see what the world is all about, you'll realize there's not much left to fear.

The ENFP 6's I've met were only shitty people because they were unhappy and anxious. Their own minds were their downfall. Their lack of mindfulness was their biggest obstacle. They focused on living life and achieving success the way society wanted them to... get a regular job or start a business and make money, drive an SUV, etc. Life isn't that narrow.

ENFP's are not stereotypically renown for their intellect or practicality. Any image of such is merely pretense. It is their weakness to be anything other than an emotionally charged directionless fireball. Get used to your lot in life, go out there, trip and fall. If you live in America, there's a good chance you won't starve to death. The hippies will take you onboard and feed you weed and twizzlers until you're well enough to meet an ISTJ who'll feed you wheat grass juice and value your passionate nature and absurd stories of how you lived with the mayans because you couldn't find your way home from a trip to guadalupe.

When I was in the navy, life was stable, I had a $5000/month paycheck, and my life was fucking miserable. I told my 4 star admiral grandfather to go fuck himself and dropped contact with my commander father because they wanted me to live life the way they intended. Stuck on the water in a cage. I packed my shit up and moved out to colorado where I live with some ENFJ breakdancers who initially felt sorry for me, and now we're starting a gym of our own in the hopes of utter wealth or eating dirt to stave off hunger. It doesn't matter what you do in your life, the only thing you will regret is not ever trying.

ENFP's need instability to be most confident in themselves, much like ESTP's. By removing any unstable circumstances from your life you are ultimately killing yourself. Get outside and make life happen or die with a million regrets that you did nothing.