[ENFJ] Do ENFJ's Need Someone to Inspire Them?

[Desperado44]

I'm not sure I'm 'asking' that correctly.

However, I notice that I seem to do much better as a person when I have someone to 'care' for....or look after. It keeps me inspired and rising above the fray.

I'm not sure if its an ugly form of co-dependency or what.

I also notice when I don't receive it in return...it starts to wear on me....I've always been the 'leader' in everything I do socially, as well as professionally....the 'go to guy'....

...but to be frank, its worn me out. I feel ...well.....used.

Thoughts??

 

[heart]

I like to have something/someone to care for, it is why I have always had a cat. I think it is typical of Dominant Feelers to want something or someone to lavish their caring on.

Yes and totally reasonable that if one is nuturing an adult human being, it needs to be a two way street or it will become draining.

I think it is like anything out there, a neutral thing, could be healthy or unhealthy in its expression.

 

[proteanmix]

I'm not sure I'm 'asking' that correctly.

However, I notice that I seem to do much better as a person when I have someone to 'care' for....or look after. It keeps me inspired and rising above the fray.

I'm not sure if its an ugly form of co-dependency or what.

I also notice when I don't receive it in return...it starts to wear on me....I've always been the 'leader' in everything I do socially, as well as professionally....the 'go to guy'....

...but to be frank, its worn me out. I feel ...well.....used.

Thoughts??

I'm not really a motherly or caregiver type of person but I notice that I've blossomed the most when I've had a mentor to help me navigate through choppy waters. I've always wanted a "second mother" someone who I could go to and talk to about life that cared for me but wasn't my mother, probably an aunt or someone.

I've accepted the fact that I'm an extrinsically motivated person, which I hear isn't a good thing but I do better when I have to do for others. The reward may be gratitude, a smile, friendship, money, or whatever but it gets me to move. Knowing that I may be disappointing other people is more of a motivator than disappointing myself, probably because I have a tendency to negate my needs as selfishness. So basically, yes, I need something/someone outside of myself to move me, to inspire me.

I also don't want to give the idea this translates into selflessness because it doesn't. The concept of reciprocity is probably my motivation more than anything else. I like to have equitable and even exchanges. It doesn't need to be tit for tat, but over the span of my relationship with another person if I feel like I've been doing most of the giving with unequal receiving I become very resentful. Like with my friends, I've removed myself from the social organizer role because I thought to myself, if I don't do it will anyone else? Does anyone even notice what I'm doing? And sadly, no one has stepped up to the plate. Now, we usually don't even meet together, it's like I meet with one or two people at once and then they ask me how someone else is doing. This is where my resentment flares up because I think to myself, why don't you call them and see for yourself? Why do I have to be the glue that keeps people together?

So yeah, I understand your frustration. I wonder if my expectations/standards for people giving to a relationship are unrealistic. I have no problem with doing but sometimes I wonder if I'm inflating what I'm doing or if I'm really doing more. I guess it's a mixture of both depending on the situation. As a Fe dominant, there are lots of little suggestions around on how to make time for yourself. Saying NO to people is one of the most important suggestions. Not saying no to people is one of my top sources of resentment against people. If I'd made the proper boundary before I wouldn't be angry and feeling trapped in an obligation I never wanted to be in. Don't feel guilty telling people no!

This has got to be one of the silliest examples, but one of my coworkers is constantly asking me for change here and there. I know in my mind that she's borrowed all of a few dollars worth of change from me, but I keep thinking that maybe one day she'll just be like oh here's your money back. I'd feel petty asking her for maybe the $3 worth of change she's borrowed but I'm getting mad when she asks for it. This is when saying no would come in handy.

 

[Desperado44]

Great responses. Thank you

I too feel resentment. Lots of it on occassion.....which makes me examine if I am being 'manipulative' to expect some kindness in return.

I was always throwing myself out there for everyone....I still do.....and rarely get anything back. Its not that I'm selfish.......to be honest,....it just sort of hurts.

 

[heart]

Great responses. Thank you

I too feel resentment. Lots of it on occassion.....which makes me examine if I am being 'manipulative' to expect some kindness in return.

I was always throwing myself out there for everyone....I still do.....and rarely get anything back. Its not that I'm selfish.......to be honest,....it just sort of hurts.

Maybe just need to find someone who not only wants to recieve but to give back in return. It is perfectly normal to want a give and take relationship, just have to find others want to share it with you. It can be hard though to find them.

 

[proteanmix]

Agreed. I don't think it's unreasonable. What do you expect back though?

 

[Lookin4theBestNU]

Do you mean as in someone mentoring me or as needing "people projects" to keep me going?

 

[Desperado44]

Do you mean as in someone mentoring me or as needing "people projects" to keep me going?

I mean more like someone to care for.....to love.

Does that make sense?

It seems like ENFJ's .....or maybe its just me......tend to 'rise to the occasion' when they care for someone.

 

[Lookin4theBestNU]

I don't know where exactly to begin . I will share my thoughts with you and see if we can meet somewhere in the middle!

I feel as though I need someone to inspire. I wouldn't say I need someone to 'care for' per se. I personally spend a great deal of time trying to inspire others to be independent! I feel choked and used if I am caring for others too much. I feel expectations of others if that makes sense. I am always prioritizing those expectations. I not only resent but will flat out refuse those which intrude too far into my space. I didn't used to do that though and setting boundaries is one of the best things I could have ever done for me. It allows me to give *happily* and in essence to an even greater benefit to the recipient as there is little to no resentment. I do not play the martyr!

Rising to the occasion if I get what you mean is somewhat of 'rescuing' behavior. The stray dog syndrome always got me into trouble. The only thing I can say about that is that as time has went on I got better at discerning who really wanted help and who wanted someone just to listen.


Needing someone to love is a big one though perhaps we have different issues here. I think if you are talking about romantic relationships one major thing for me was someone who was not dependent upon me. I can't take that. I will do whatever needs done to make things flow smoothly.


Relationships overall are exceptionally important and ENFJs as a general rule spend a great deal of time thinking about them . I think you are quite normal in that regard. Please redirect if I am getting what you are saying all wrong or missing the point here.

 

[Desperado44]

I don't know where exactly to begin . I will share my thoughts with you and see if we can meet somewhere in the middle!

I feel as though I need someone to inspire. I wouldn't say I need someone to 'care for' per se. I personally spend a great deal of time trying to inspire others to be independent! I feel choked and used if I am caring for others too much. I feel expectations of others if that makes sense. I am always prioritizing those expectations. I not only resent but will flat out refuse those which intrude too far into my space. I didn't used to do that though and setting boundaries is one of the best things I could have ever done for me. It allows me to give *happily* and in essence to an even greater benefit to the recipient as there is little to no resentment. I do not play the martyr!

Rising to the occasion if I get what you mean is somewhat of 'rescuing' behavior. The stray dog syndrome always got me into trouble. The only thing I can say about that is that as time has went on I got better at discerning who really wanted help and who wanted someone just to listen.


Needing someone to love is a big one though perhaps we have different issues here. I think if you are talking about romantic relationships one major thing for me was someone who was not dependent upon me. I can't take that. I will do whatever needs done to make things flow smoothly.


Relationships overall are exceptionally important and ENFJs as a general rule spend a great deal of time thinking about them . I think you are quite normal in that regard. Please redirect if I am getting what you are saying all wrong or missing the point here.

Great stuff Lookin.....THANK YOU

I am trying to find that fine line between choosing messed up women/being a rescuer...........being an ENFJ........or being co-dependent......its not an easy thing to figure out for me.....

 

[Domino]

I'm not sure I'm 'asking' that correctly.

However, I notice that I seem to do much better as a person when I have someone to 'care' for....or look after. It keeps me inspired and rising above the fray.

I'm not sure if its an ugly form of co-dependency or what.

ENFJs can look falsely co-dependent at times. I wouldn't let that bother you.

I also notice when I don't receive it in return...it starts to wear on me....I've always been the 'leader' in everything I do socially, as well as professionally....the 'go to guy'....

...but to be frank, its worn me out. I feel ...well.....used.

One way streets are the pits. I frequently feel like I'm overextending myself, and have had to learn how to ramp that back.

I mean more like someone to care for.....to love.

Does that make sense?

It seems like ENFJ's .....or maybe its just me......tend to 'rise to the occasion' when they care for someone.

Very true. I can spend hours and hours alone and not be unhappy about it, but I do find I'm really actuated when I love somebody. It seems to engage all the better parts of myself and prompts me past sadness or anger or anything that may have been menacing me as an Fe primary.

 

[grendiecat]

I take care of my son, my patients, my friends, my animals--lots of beings and feel like I have a very meaningful life with these responsibilities. BUT, if someone starts to want too much of me, then I'll pull the plug for fear of suffocating from their needs. Right now I can't decide if I really want a relationship because my ex needed so much and then blamed me when I didn't give 150%. Thought this was an interesting description of NFs on David Markley

"And yet such emotional sensitivity (some would say hypersensitivity) can take its toll, and Idealists have been known to become upset when these affective ties begin to bind, as they do when the amount of emotional input from their mates becomes a psychological overload. NFs report that at times, they find their emotional circuits so overloaded with their own concerns that they cannot deal positively with the emotional experiences of others who are especially close to them, particularly when those experiences are negative or unhappy.

In addition, emotional dependence in a mate can really bother an Idealist, even though their own sensitivity sometimes encourages dependency. If their mates begin to seem weak and clinging-to appear to need more and more attention, more and more expressions of the NFs unusual appreciation, more and more signals of deep affection (for example, if two NFs were in the same relationship - both seeking deep affection) Idealists can become resentful of pressures to deliver what they had seemed to promise to their mates; the ideal love, complete understanding, and total acceptance. At this point NFs can turn irritable, insisting unexpectedly that their mates stop hanging on their approval and learn to stand on their own two feet. This shift in attitude is usually abrupt and the loved ones who heretofore believed that they were very special in the eyes of the Idealist now find themselves apparantly rejected. The Idealist does not mean to be unkind; he or she is simply disconnecting from a relationship which can no longer be handled. Of all the temperaments, this scenario is least likely to happen with an NT mate as they are usually more independent and appear to have an atypical aloofness regarding receiving appreciation from their mates, it isn't as important to them as it is other types."

 

[IEE623]

I take care of my son, my patients, my friends, my animals--lots of beings and feel like I have a very meaningful life with these responsibilities. BUT, if someone starts to want too much of me, then I'll pull the plug for fear of suffocating from their needs. Right now I can't decide if I really want a relationship because my ex needed so much and then blamed me when I didn't give 150%. Thought this was an interesting description of NFs on David Markley

"And yet such emotional sensitivity (some would say hypersensitivity) can take its toll, and Idealists have been known to become upset when these affective ties begin to bind, as they do when the amount of emotional input from their mates becomes a psychological overload. NFs report that at times, they find their emotional circuits so overloaded with their own concerns that they cannot deal positively with the emotional experiences of others who are especially close to them, particularly when those experiences are negative or unhappy.

In addition, emotional dependence in a mate can really bother an Idealist, even though their own sensitivity sometimes encourages dependency. If their mates begin to seem weak and clinging-to appear to need more and more attention, more and more expressions of the NFs unusual appreciation, more and more signals of deep affection (for example, if two NFs were in the same relationship - both seeking deep affection) Idealists can become resentful of pressures to deliver what they had seemed to promise to their mates; the ideal love, complete understanding, and total acceptance. At this point NFs can turn irritable, insisting unexpectedly that their mates stop hanging on their approval and learn to stand on their own two feet. This shift in attitude is usually abrupt and the loved ones who heretofore believed that they were very special in the eyes of the Idealist now find themselves apparantly rejected. The Idealist does not mean to be unkind; he or she is simply disconnecting from a relationship which can no longer be handled. Of all the temperaments, this scenario is least likely to happen with an NT mate as they are usually more independent and appear to have an atypical aloofness regarding receiving appreciation from their mates, it isn't as important to them as it is other types."

I think that description would describe most perfectly ENFJ among other Idealists. Using Fe, ENFJ are excelled (more than ENFP) at making others feel unique, feel special in the eyes of the ENFJ (even if that's not the case)

 

[Little Linguist]

I think everyone needs mutual sharing, uplifting, and inspiration.