[INFP] INFP Mother & Daughter's Dating Nightmare

[alakazam]

[MENTION=5871]Southern Kross[/MENTION]: That has to be the most fascinatingly descriptive bit on this subject I've ever read. Where did you find that? I'd like to read more on the other functions (and Fi as a dominant/auxiliary) so I can understand it all better!

I'm going to have to read those to Sarah later and see what she thinks. Thank you very much for that - it's really enlightening!

 

[kyuuei]

I'm not sure the best way to broach the subject.. Definitely not before a wedding, but maybe an engagement and a commitment to marry her daughter may persuade the mother to see you in a different light. Probably not, though.

In either case, Sarah needs to decide what kind of relationship she wants to have with her mother. If it were me, I'd drop the bombshell and have it done with and let the pieces land where they may. But having a good relationship with your in-laws makes marriage a LOT smoother.

I'd strongly recommend some marriage counseling for the two of you. I know that seems like BS that rich people do... or whatever... but it really does help work out kinks like this--techniques and boundaries that are clearly in place long before the wedding make the first year so much smoother.

 

[prplchknz]

I honestly don't know how to reply to such irrationality... Besides perhaps stating that I don't know how and move on...

(Note: this was in response to [MENTION=360]prplchknz[/MENTION] - not [MENTION=5871]Southern Kross[/MENTION] who posted right after her)

maybe if you admitted you were wrong you'd be happier. Also it's not irrational what I'm saying, you just can't admit you made a mistake. sad sad sad

 

[Southern Kross]

Southern Kross: That has to be the most fascinatingly descriptive bit on this subject I've ever read. Where did you find that? I'd like to read more on the other functions (and Fi as a dominant/auxiliary) so I can understand it all better!

I'm going to have to read those to Sarah later and see what she thinks. Thank you very much for that - it's really enlightening!

Here's the link:

http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/content.php/134-Lenore-Thomson-MBTI-Functions

 

[alakazam]

[MENTION=4939]kyuuei[/MENTION]

Actually, we have talked about that - we will be doing marriage counseling. My parents are an NT/SJ mix and her parents were... something. Knowing this has let us pay attention to a lot of things that we would otherwise be unaware of. We've also had to, in the past, work through a lot. We both know we're in better shape than most, but we are planning to do pre-marriage-counseling anyway to make sure we bring up the things we're still unaware of.

As far as in-laws go... My whole family loves [Sarah]. On her side, she has her mother. On the one hand, it's easy to say that, at the worst, it's just her mother... but, then again, it's her mother... So that makes things difficult.

Thank you for your advice!

 

[alakazam]

[MENTION=5871]Southern Kross[/MENTION]

Oh my... That's long! Look like I need to allocate a block of time to read this later tonight! Thank you very much!

 

[kyuuei]

Sounds like ya'll are on the right track. Luck with it all!

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I think you said that your girlfriend Sarah does not want to marry until discussing it with her mother? If that is the case, then it will be important to include that step, so that Sarah never feels as though he choices were in any way bypassed in the process. You also need to establish what the dynamic is going to be like between Sarah and Jane in regards to your relationship. If Jane is going to completely control Sarah in the long run, then you need to be aware of that and choose how to respond to it. It does sound like you will need to plan to live a safe geographic distance from Jane. Realize though, that in marriage there may come a day when you are responsible for Jane when she is old and in need of living assistance.

It is important to have clear communication with Sarah about this. There are some pragmatic things that Sarah can do to alleviate guilt when Jane responds negatively. I'll have to think more and come back later with this. Oh, and I should mention that all of Jane's fears about how others are going to treat Sarah are clear projections about how *she* treats Sarah. That would be worth pointing out to Sarah.

 

[alakazam]

Thank you very much!

In the beginning, we both said 'not until our parents know'. Since then, however, she has backed off because she doesn't want to talk to her mother. But she doesn't not want to talk to her mother. She's afraid of her mother's reaction... and I don't blame her, but she's going to have to know.

I'll have to think more and come back later with this.

I will definitely be looking forward to this!

 

[The Great One]

Agreed. That's completely foreign behaviour to me too.

She doesn't sound like a P at all for starters. I can't see a P having that much desire to affect and impress herself on others, nor are we anywhere near that assertive in general. As for Fi, that's the tertiary or inferior kind, not the dom/aux usage:



Sounds like an unhealthy TJ e1 (as [MENTION=15607]The Great One[/MENTION] said).

Thank you very much...Southern Kross.

 

[magnetic soul]

Honestly....(It's me Magnetic Soul BTW!! ......If you ever decide to listen to the audio book "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" by Daniel Amen, MD, as I did recently, you will probably agree with me that Jane most likely has a biological/neurological issue. It sounds like she has some cognitive inflexibility among other things. She would really benefit from a SPECT study!!! A SPECT study (by Dr. Amen) is kinda sorta like an MRI except it can actually see activity levels of different parts of the brain and its fluctuations in activity over a 10-15 min period of time. It can tell whether say the singulate girus is overactive (aka the cause of OCD, addiction, gambling, cognitive inflexibility, among other things) or the basil ganglia, or lymbic system, or temporal lobes, etc, etc. Dr. Amen performs the SPECT study both during non-concetration and during concentration (Interesting: Those who have ADD; their brain activity actually goes down during period of concentration. In other words they concentrate better when they're not trying to concentrate lol). Anyway.....I wish Jane (and myself) (AND everyone) could get a SPECT study, cuz then they could actually be prescribed proper combination of meds to cure their biological (aka cant help it) nature!!!! The audiobook is 12 hours long, but you could always skip to themore relevant parts i guess.

 

[alakazam]

(Interesting: Those who have ADD; their brain activity actually goes down during period of concentration. In other words they concentrate better when they're not trying to concentrate lol)

Um, not exactly... Concentration/focusing is literally just that: you block outside influences. For people with quiet minds, focusing can increase it with that task. For people with loud minds, to focus, you have to stop all the extraneous stuff and cut down to only that particular task. Now, this is not to say that they're just as good at focusing as everybody else... Just that your statement isn't quite right

Honestly....(It's me Magnetic Soul BTW!! ......If you ever decide to listen to the audio book "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" by Daniel Amen, MD, as I did recently, you will probably agree with me that Jane most likely has a biological/neurological issue. It sounds like she has some cognitive inflexibility among other things. She would really benefit from a SPECT study!!! A SPECT study (by Dr. Amen) is kinda sorta like an MRI except it can actually see activity levels of different parts of the brain and its fluctuations in activity over a 10-15 min period of time. It can tell whether say the singulate girus is overactive (aka the cause of OCD, addiction, gambling, cognitive inflexibility, among other things) or the basil ganglia, or lymbic system, or temporal lobes, etc, etc. Dr. Amen performs the SPECT study both during non-concetration and during concentration (Interesting: Those who have ADD; their brain activity actually goes down during period of concentration. In other words they concentrate better when they're not trying to concentrate lol). Anyway.....I wish Jane (and myself) (AND everyone) could get a SPECT study, cuz then they could actually be prescribed proper combination of meds to cure their biological (aka cant help it) nature!!!! The audiobook is 12 hours long, but you could always skip to themore relevant parts i guess.

... And to the rest of it... Ummm....

 

[magnetic soul]

oh so INFPs have to be crap at math? and can't enjoy it. I enjoy algebra.

Prplchknz... you're overeacting a little. He didnt say INFp's have to be crap at math or cant enjoy it. I myself am either ENFP or ENFJ and I sometimes enjoyed math in school. He was just saying it's less common for INFPs (or any Idealists) for that matter to be into math. It doesn't mean they cant be into math or even excel at it, but it just means it's not as common to see Idealists in the field of math. It's more common for "NT"s and "SJ"s to go into math, IMO. ...By "seem strange" I'm pretty sure he just meant it seems "unusual" which Im sure most people who understand the MBTI can probably agree. ...And like I said, of course there are "NF"s out there who are good mathematicians or math teachers; it's just less common though!

P.S. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't think it will benefit you to assume the worst in someone. If he says he wasn't trying to say that "Idealists are crap at math" then why not just believe him instead of assuming some ill-intent. Most people have good intentions.

 

[magnetic soul]

not at all. I'm just saying that you shouldn't stereotype. types don't come from what one has a passion for but rather how they process that passion. this probably doesn't make sense. but it should, so we're going with it makes sense.

I can kinda understand what you're saying here though, prplchknz, and I kinda agree with you. Still, I dont think he was meaning to stereotype. Maybe it is easier for me to judge this since I know him in real life. ....Relying on text alone just sucks for communication sometimes.

 

[magnetic soul]

This is off topic, but I'm going to reply once more.

I'm not saying that NFs can't have a passion in mathematics. I'm saying that, in my experience, in general, the way you pick your passions often leads you to something other than mathematics in the exact same way that what I look for in my passions leads me away from things like singing and painting. That is NOT to say that I can't, for some reason, do it, enjoy it, be good at it, and teach it - just that it's far less likely you'll find somebody like me doing that than it is to find somebody like me working on computers/electronics.

If you want to avoid stereotyping, then MBTI is not for you. That's what this tool does. We, however, realize that it is a broad categorization and that people are different but, for some strange reason, tend to be fairly accurately described holistically in MBTI. What I was doing was the exact same thing.

Well said!

 

[magnetic soul]

Um, not exactly... Concentration/focusing is literally just that: you block outside influences. For people with quiet minds, focusing can increase it with that task. For people with loud minds, to focus, you have to stop all the extraneous stuff and cut down to only that particular task. Now, this is not to say that they're just as good at focusing as everybody else... Just that your statement isn't quite right




... And to the rest of it... Ummm....

I disagree with you on the concentration/focusing thing. Maybe I'm not explaining right, but I am going based off the science that was explained in the audio book by Dr. Amen himself. When the ADD person had to concentrate or focus on a given task, their brain activity decreased! Literally the harder they 'tried' to concentrate, the more easily distracted they were and less able to focus on the task. If this is incorrect, then Dr. Amen is incorrect. But I'm just going off of what Daniel Amen, MD said in his audio book based off his own research at the Amen Clinic.