• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFP] ENFP Girlfriend Stringing Me Along - Should I Keep Trying?

deanmartin12345

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2013
Messages
4
MBTI Type
ESTP
I have been dating this ENFP girl for about 6 months. I am an ESTP. She's pretty typical ENFP - easily distracted, has a hard time following through on things she's into because there are too many possiblities, her head is very much in the clouds and not necessarily paying attention to things like rules, details, etc. She is extremely smart though, charming & charismatic, funny, and super social. Like at a bar she'll run around and talk to everyone. She gets easily distracted by sparkly things.

We got together about 6 months ago in September and then in November she asked me to be her boyfriend. We are both 24. She tends to be idealistic in relationships - like on Valentine's Day when I got her a gift, she told me how much she loved it and how I'm totally the best. She'd often say things like that. She's a very sensitive person as well but is pretty openly sexually liberated (the relationship moved pretty fast in that sense when we first met). We told each other I love you about a week before Valentine's Day. Since then we would say it to each other unprompted. We always did fun stuff together and had a great time. Before I left town for 10 days, nothing seemed wrong.

However, when I was out of town out of the blue she sent me an email telling me that she wanted to end it because she's just not feeling the emotions she needs to feel in a relationship. I was surprised because the week before when I was still gone, she had called me out of the blue and told me "I love you, I miss you, and I'll see you when you are back". But then I got that email one week later. She told me that I'm an awesome, fun person to be around (she has never been bored with me) but that she doesn't feel the deep connection she wants to. Like that we aren't creating a world together, we don't have the kind of love that can transcend her problems, and she doesn't feel the same way about me when I am with her as when I am not.

She also mentioned that she doesn't feel like we spend enough time together (which I told her I am more than happy to do), that she feels like her simple dreams of being a teacher are not compatible with my dreams of doing amazing things and that she isn't sure if the reasons I like her are good enough - she keeps saying I could like anyone for those reasons. She also says that she feels self conscious around me. I told her that I'd love to spend more time with her but breaking up seems to be the wrong way to do that and that she can tell me anything so she shouldn't feel self conscious around me. She has also told me that she's not even sure if she should be in a relationship right now because her life is a little up in the air in August and so she's not sure if it's the best thing for her right now. Also, she has really disliked her job ever since I've met her. Finally she's taking steps towards getting a new one and leave soon. I feel like part of her feels that she may need time to work on herself and get through this before being in a relationship.

I've met with her twice since she sent that email and every time at the end of the conversation we kiss and she says she's going to think about continuing it. I also randomly bumped into her a few days ago and we had a great 30 minute conversation and touched but it doens't really feel resolved. Do any other ENFP's have any idea what is going on/what she is feeling? Or why she could change so quickly? Or if it is worth it to try to keep it alive? She seems a bit confused to me. Thank you.
 

ChocolateMoose123

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2008
Messages
5,278
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
My best friend is an ENFP and I've seen her do this with almost everyone she dates. Your girl may be different and I'm sure ENFPs on here can give you a first hand perspective instead of my observational one.

My friend comes on very strong but is very insecure and looks constantly(!) for reassurance from the person she is dating. It's almost as if she doesn't necessarily like them, but likes the way they make her feel. If the admiration isn't there she moves on quickly. Out of sight - new possibilities to look at.

Sounds like you like the girl and are doing and saying everything right but a confused ENFP is a dangerous one.
 

Winds of Thor

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
1,842
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
3w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Relationships can bring tears to eyes at times, but anything has its price.
Why does it seem an awful lot of people do not understand that the initial thrill gives a relationship good prospects? That real love happens after the emotions seem 'gone'. That if both will stick together through the hard times and good times, real depth is created, even if it's "Fake it 'til you make it" when it feels bland, and that later love will have grown or gestated, richly rewarding those who are courageous coming back in a much richer, deeper wave of emotion. That is truly rewarding. I think in part because both had a part in it.
Tell her that would be a thing you might do. Brother, what do you have to lose.

 

Poindexter Arachnid

Permabanned
Joined
Jan 16, 2011
Messages
1,232
MBTI Type
ISTP
99.9% chance she is cheating on you. If she were really into you, she wouldn't be pulling this shit.

And she'll keep doing this over and over and over until you break.
But by then, you'll be emotionally invested.

You already know what you need to do--it is right there in the subject line.
Now go and do it.

Word of advice: Don't let her down gently. She doesn't deserve it.
 

Rasofy

royal member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
5,881
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
ESTP + ENFP sounds like a pretty awful combo, so the complaint about the connection not being deep enough should be legit. And she might have been cheating.
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Nah, you guys, MDP was closer when she said it's insecurity. I don't think she has necessarily cheated, but she obviously had a couple bouts of insecurity in terms of the strength of the relationship. Time away is hard because there's little positive emotional reassurance and lots of reminders of other options. I wouldn't blame you if you found this unacceptable, but, as an ENFP myself, I don't find it particularly surprising. We live in a world of possibilities and without enough Feeling grounding a relationship, it can become a struggle to want to stay committed when you have constant reminders that there might be something healthier for both of you out there. As far as I can tell in this situation, there's still room for a relationship with her if you want to keep pursuing it, but if you do, it probably won't be the end of her insecurity. So it's worth it if this kind of thing isn't a big deal to you, and you're game for trying to make the changes that she feels like she really needs.
 

Poindexter Arachnid

Permabanned
Joined
Jan 16, 2011
Messages
1,232
MBTI Type
ISTP
Nah, you guys, MDP was closer when she said it's insecurity. I don't think she has necessarily cheated, but she obviously had a couple bouts of insecurity in terms of the strength of the relationship. Time away is hard because there's little positive emotional reassurance and lots of reminders of other options. I wouldn't blame you if you found this unacceptable, but, as an ENFP myself, I don't find it particularly surprising. We live in a world of possibilities and without enough Feeling grounding a relationship, it can become a struggle to want to stay committed when you have constant reminders that there might be something healthier for both of you out there.

Good Christ...are you people really this pathetic?

As far as I can tell in this situation, there's still room for a relationship with her if you want to keep pursuing it, but if you do, it probably won't be the end of her insecurity. So it's worth it if this kind of thing isn't a big deal to you, and you're game for trying to make the changes that she feels like she really needs.

Fuck her needs. The girl is a co-dependent attention whore.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
You're being a really great boyfriend and if she doesn't feel a good connection with you or think you like her for the right reasons after you're offering all this to her, nothing you can say will change her mind.

It means she isn't in love with you, or even possibly that she's too immature to feel real committed love.

and she doesn't feel the same way about me when I am with her as when I am not.

Get rid of her.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
99.9% chance she is cheating on you. If she were really into you, she wouldn't be pulling this shit.

And she'll keep doing this over and over and over until you break.
But by then, you'll be emotionally invested.

You already know what you need to do--it is right there in the subject line.
Now go and do it.

Word of advice: Don't let her down gently. She doesn't deserve it.

I honestly kind of agree with you for once.

but that she doesn't feel the deep connection she wants to. Like that we aren't creating a world together, we don't have the kind of love that can transcend her problems, and she doesn't feel the same way about me when I am with her as when I am not.

This is like a huge neon sign that says "USING YOU USING YOU USING YOU USING YOU"
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Nah, you guys, MDP was closer when she said it's insecurity. I don't think she has necessarily cheated, but she obviously had a couple bouts of insecurity in terms of the strength of the relationship. Time away is hard because there's little positive emotional reassurance and lots of reminders of other options. I wouldn't blame you if you found this unacceptable, but, as an ENFP myself, I don't find it particularly surprising. We live in a world of possibilities and without enough Feeling grounding a relationship, it can become a struggle to want to stay committed when you have constant reminders that there might be something healthier for both of you out there. As far as I can tell in this situation, there's still room for a relationship with her if you want to keep pursuing it, but if you do, it probably won't be the end of her insecurity. So it's worth it if this kind of thing isn't a big deal to you, and you're game for trying to make the changes that she feels like she really needs.

I'm going to try to say this as kindly as possible, I understand you're trying to be positive, but SHE DOESNT FEEL THE SAME WAY WITH HIM AS SHE DOES WITHOUT HIM.

She doesn't love him.

That's not insecurity. She just likes the feeling of longing for someone, or having a boyfriend around.

If she was insecure she would feel GREAT when he was around, like jump on him and smother him, not feel less toward him.

She's at least being a good enough person to admit it to him, don't feed his delusion of keeping her, it will just hurt him.
 
R

Riva

Guest
Affairs should be based on love, trust and many other important words.

Doubt is not one of them.

Move on.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I don't know why people are being so harsh on this ENFP - she was honest! She's trying to end it!
I can guess why she's being sucked back in by him - over-empathizing. She's allowing his feelings to trump hers because in the moment she is strongly identifying with his feelings & views.

He's not the ones who needs to end it; he's the one who needs to accept it's over.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I don't know why people are being so harsh on this ENFP - she was honest! She's trying to end it!
I can guess why she's being sucked back in by him - over-empathizing. She's allowing his feelings to trump hers because in the moment she is strongly identifying with his feelings & views.

He's not the ones who needs to end it; he's the one who needs to accept it's over.

Because she's still kissing him.

She's doing the thing where she's keeping him hanging on...just in case something better doesn't come along or she feels afraid. Or dumped by her new boyfriend.

I wouldn't be so harsh if she wasn't doing that.

I'm not even saying I'm better than her, or that she's evil. I'm just trying to call attention to what it is, and to point to the words which made her real feelings perfectly clear.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
:thinking:

I say the combination of the honeymoon phase coming to an end, that being tested by those 10 days away (oh noes, I should miss him more!), and an ENFP who is still working out how love really works aka, its not always going to be a bed of roses and high intensity. Aka fairytale dreams shattered.

I cant tell if she truly loves you. If she says she is missing that deep connection, that might be a problem. However, if she is confusing that deep connection for the intensity that is missing from the first moment, then she is kidding herself.

The problem is that when we stumble onto something that does not feel right, we *know* there is a reason, but it can take ages and a lot of research to figure out what that is. And there is no guarantee as to the results. Nor what the collateral damage will be. And...it isnt something we can ignore, usually. Often, it requires an entire perspective shift to fix it, and that can be daunting, scary and a long ass project.

Honestly, Id do what she is doing atm, if the guy was ok with it. I know it seems cruel, but she is recalibrating her feelings/values and if she is smart, her expectations based on what she is observing now. Hopefully she ll discover that feelings are in the moment and fleeting and what she values endures. The only way to do that is to remove yourself from the feeling influences of others, especially those that care deeply for you, and take readings, then move closer again and take more readings of how you 'feel', and draw conclusions based on that. She is trying to find out what is consistent about her, what is influenced by you and whether that is what she needs.

OP, if you dont wanna put up with this, I can totally understand. It is a confusing process for the ENFP and an excruciating one for a person who is in fact in love with her. And there is no telling which way she ll swing or how long it will be. Unfortunately, you met her at a time (and potentially triggered this due to the more serious nature of your relationship, which raises more questions than the easy fun-loving fling type relationship) where she still needs to answer those questions for herself. There is no guarantee she'll handle this properly, without hurting you in the process, nor that she will get it right from the first get-go. She has been honest with you about what is going on though, and I think the reasons she is still kissing you and hanging out with you is to somehow confirm her wishful thinking. She sounded really happy before, so I doubt she is doing this for the heck of it, and I bet she would love to go back to that happy period, but does not want to lie to you or herself, while still attempting to regain that 'feeling'.

If you cannot emotionally distance yourself and start feeling as a yo-yo (which tbh, I can totally understand), I'd say let her go. Coz otherwise you'll have your heart ripped to pieces by this process, I fear. If you truly think that she is for you, check back in a few months and see what happens.

If you think you can take it...let her do her research. And let the chips fall where they may. I mean, if she is really worth the risk to you, your unwavering resolve to stick it out with her should act as stabilising influence and might just help her through this faster. However...have her confirm the results repeatedly, before recommitting your heart in full!

Re: cheating

I..myself would not be able to do that. But you would have to check her background and value stance on cheating. If she does not have a firm belief agianst cheating, she might be gathering extra data with others to figure out what is going on, I suppose.
 

Rasofy

royal member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
5,881
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Good Christ...are you people really this pathetic?
Calm-Down-Bro.jpg
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I'm going to try to say this as kindly as possible, I understand you're trying to be positive, but SHE DOESNT FEEL THE SAME WAY WITH HIM AS SHE DOES WITHOUT HIM.

She doesn't love him.

That's not insecurity. She just likes the feeling of longing for someone, or having a boyfriend around.

If she was insecure she would feel GREAT when he was around, like jump on him and smother him, not feel less toward him.

She's at least being a good enough person to admit it to him, don't feed his delusion of keeping her, it will just hurt him.

I don't know if that's true. You're lucky if your feelings are always so clear-cut; mine are not. When I doubt something, a huge internal feeling-change occurs and like Amargith said, it can take a while to sort things out. I have been at the place in a relationship several times before of trying to weigh the good feelings against the bad ones, and that's a really hard decision to make. It doesn't mean I don't feel loyalty or affection or even love for the other person. I wish real-world relationships could be as simple as just love, but they're so much more complicated than that.

Some people might not want to deal with their partner facing this kind of insecurity, and I understand that, but I don't know why you're trying to paint it so black and white when clearly she's still struggling to understand her own feelings in the matter.

The problem is that when we stumble onto something that does not feel right, we *know* there is a reason, but it can take ages and a lot of research to figure out what that is. And there is no guarantee as to the results. Nor what the collateral damage will be. And...it isnt something we can ignore, usually. Often, it requires an entire perspective shift to fix it, and that can be daunting, scary and a long ass project.

Honestly, Id do what she is doing atm, if the guy was ok with it. I know it seems cruel, but she is recalibrating her feelings/values and if she is smart, her expectations based on what she is observing now. Hopefully she ll discover that feelings are in the moment and fleeting and what she values endures. The only way to do that is to remove yourself from the feeling influences of others, especially those that care deeply for you, and take readings, then move closer again and take more readings of how you 'feel', and draw conclusions based on that. She is trying to find out what is consistent about her, what is influenced by you and whether that is what she needs.

Yes exactly. It's like Fi calibration, I figure.
 

ChocolateMoose123

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2008
Messages
5,278
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Based on what I see with my ENFP friend, this calibration never ends well for the other party.
 

Poindexter Arachnid

Permabanned
Joined
Jan 16, 2011
Messages
1,232
MBTI Type
ISTP
I don't know why people are being so harsh on this ENFP

'Cause she is a filthy whore.

I can guess why she's being sucked back in by him - over-empathizing. She's allowing his feelings to trump hers because in the moment she is strongly identifying with his feelings & views.

Bullshit. She doesn't want to be the one who gets dumped.

He's not the ones who needs to end it; he's the one who needs to accept it's over.

200 bucks says she'll pursue him once he walks.
You people disgust me.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Have you ever heard of the "The Five Love Languages"?

Maybe 'words of affirmation' is what she needs to feel loved.

Just tell her she's great and that you support what she's doing career wise and have no problem with it.
Tell her many times. It could be as simple as some reassuring words uttered.

I'm amazed at how many people get ANGRY when their partner asks for words of affirmation. Like they've been asked to murder someone. I think it's very telling.
 
Top