[MBTI General] How socially skilled you really are?

[Skyward]

By 'socially skilled' do you mean the ability to foresee and avoid social blunders, and also being able to read a situation to figure out what is appropriate? If so, then I am not all that great. If I am excited about a subject, I have a tendency to cut people off. If I smoke socially it is easier due to the pause between exhales. As an introvert I also have a tendency to fall off the map, even if I am active during social encounters. Thankfully I get stir-crazy, but I rarely feel a strong desire to just be with someone, especially outside of my circle of friends.

I also struggle with knowing what might be awkward for others, since I can be comfortable talking about anything.

One issue is that it is very hard to tell what the most appropriate path is, and usually the safest route is the one of politeness, which is not how I hide myself. I hide myself behind banter, which does not work in all situations.

My strength? The ability to live and let live. I identify as an enneagram 9 after all (which seems to be common among male INFJs on this forum)

 

[the state i am in]

i'm a bit awkward but mostly likable. pretty damn eccentric. mood management varies quite a bit (but seriously, if you look at other people, you realize that everyone's mood is kind of all over the place and shows in various ways).

given that, i do okay. i'm great at one-on-one interactions with a relatively stable context (like a sit-down coffee date). it takes me a while to build a sense of rapport (especially when the mutual interest isn't just written all over the situation from the beginning). no one would mistake me for an extrovert, but most people who get good face time with me would think of me as an at times very lively, whimsical, intriguing person who is unlike anyone else they know and is very genuine (if quite ambiguous in communication). it's a strange role to play, but i'm getting better at it.

i guess one other thing to note---i'm only good when i focus my criteria on that used for assessing authentic relationships. because i feel good about my ability to relate to people individually. when it comes to just stepping in to a social game with random participants and making something happen (/trying to win), i have below average ability to do so with an appreciable degree of self-efficacy. my distaste makes me uncomfortable (in actuality a cyclical process), which generally means i am cloyingly tethered to my identity and the self-consciousness that results.

the only social game i've really practiced playing very often (as a game) is the excessively e5, academia-oriented one. each turn begins with the phrase, "well, actually..." i have a lot of relationships and ongoing games with writers. i think i'm getting better at learning the difference between the two.

 

[GranChi]

I'm an INFP and I think I'm kind of socially awkward. I mean, I'm a high school senior and I'm not that popular. I guess I'd like to have more friends, but knowing how to act in social situations doesn't come naturally to me. Does that have to do with my type? I mean, I assume Introverts are generally less socially skilled than Extraverts are. But I've noticed that Thinkers are sometimes described as being uninterested in social interaction. I, on the other hand, want to have relationships with some other people but have trouble knowing how to initiate or build them. Is that common for Introverted Feelers?

 

[Entropic]

My social awkwardness level is over 9000. And I leave it at that.

 

[Coriolis]

To sum it up, my social strengths include:
Listening to what others have to say and not interrupting
Being considerate of others' points of view
To some extent, Fe has taught me to put on a good 'front'. Act interested and caring even though I really don't.

My social weaknesses include:
Don't always grasp subtle body language cues
Not so good at small talk or quickly coming up with something to say on my feet.
Mind tends to wander when people talk about subjects not of interest to me.

To follow this model:

Strengths:
Common courtesy, being polite, and generally considering the effects of my actions on others
Not judging people by appearances, or even by first impressions
Keeping commitments and confidences while not holding grudges

Weaknesses:
Oblivious of many/most nonverbal cues
No confidence in my ability to read emotional states correctly, leading to
Overreliance on rational approaches to social encounters
Just plain not caring what other people think; I know alot of the usual scripts, but often can't be bothered to apply them.

 

[sleuthiness]

It's hard to say because I live and breathe on cues and hints from others to create characters and storylines that build up validation for the fun of it rather than genuine interest, in this case, self-analysis goes "boing". But who turns down fun?

How much did you save on that meal? Yeah, yeah, no-- I meant shower curtains. What? In reference to "the voices", we're talking about layers upon layers of expression that our brain's been exposed to and bathed in our entire life, shedding.

I like thoughts to appear compact-like and neat, but inside they're bound up, incomplete phrases of 2 to 9 words that unpredictably slither out to finish each other or bang something they heard or anticipate. In that sense, we create our own timing but collectively defer that responsibility out of habit. Some are just born into this I guess.

 

[sleuthiness]

From an actor's standpoint, you learn to control and modify your visual presentation, i.e. colors, shapes, area to pivot with your verbal repertoire because otherwise it's like flooring a monster truck with the brakes on, and how to tap into the unfathomable power of the smile.

Every e5 would stand to benefit from sales in that, specifically, it demands you master the art of the first impression and how, ultimately, the self is derived from nothing more than a conglomeration of impressions that cannot be defeated until someone juts their rifle in your mouth. Once you understand that everyone comes from one living, breathing entity without realizing it, Jack be nimble; Jack be quick-- you'll begin to flow with response and inquiry with some deftness, though it begins and ends with belief in the product.

 

[Coriolis]

Every e5 would stand to benefit from sales in that, specifically, it demands you master the art of the first impression and how, ultimately, the self is derived from nothing more than a conglomeration of impressions that cannot be defeated until someone juts their rifle in your mouth. Once you understand that everyone comes from one living, breathing entity without realizing it, Jack be nimble; Jack be quick-- you'll begin to flow with response and inquiry with some deftness, though it begins and ends with belief in the product.

Interesting that you mention this. I learned long ago to distrust my first impressions of people, after so often having them proven wrong after subsequent interactions. I now know to question that first impression, whether positive or negative, and to look deeper to learn what the person really is about. I have also tried to stay as far away from sales as I can get.

 

[Nicki]

I manage to offend people a lot and I can be awkward but I'm fairly socially skilled. I know how to get along with others when I absolutely have to.

 

[EJCC]

I have a bit of extrovert awkwardness -- more specifically, sometimes I forget where I'm going with a sentence, in the middle of the sentence, and sometimes I ramble without realizing that people are disinterested. (A trait that I probably got from my INTP father. ) Usually I recover from that well, by making a self-deprecating joke, so it works out fine.

I used to be pretty bad at reacting to people when they were emotional -- something I talked about on the forum, a lot, in my first few years here -- but now, I'm much better about it. It obviously hasn't come naturally to me, but I've internalized a set of options for me to choose from, in reacting to emotional people, and I know well enough from experience which options to choose in which situation.

I'm not good in situations where people try to be subtly bitchy at me, or where college/work cliques start to be like high school ones. Usually I just ignore all of the bitchiness and come across as cold and unfriendly (and possibly arrogant).

Generally, though, I think I'm fairly socially skilled, as long as I'm feeling confident. Most of my awkward moments come when I'm not confident, e.g. when I'm in a new social situation and don't know the "right" way to act. The bitchiness example fits into this; I'm not confident in my reactions to those sorts of people, because I don't understand them, and therefore I act a bit awkward.


Edit: Some of the ways in which I'm socially skilled -- following [MENTION=10653]Such Irony[/MENTION] 's model -- are:
- Appearing friendly, courteous, positive, respectful, and confident, by default
- The ability to adapt my vocabulary and sense of humor to fit my social environment
- Showing a desire to care for others' needs even after not knowing them for all that long, means I'm a pretty good hostess
- Good memory for things people have referenced to me, and willingness to follow up with them on those topics later on -- which could lead to anything from getting a friend the gift they'd really been wanting for Christmas, to remembering to send someone the article they'd been referencing in an earlier conversation, to... etc, you get the gist.

 

[tibby]

I'm not good with groups, I tend to do to better in smaller ones and 1-1. INFPs I know are likeable because of their laid-back demeanour and ENFPs tend to be very engaging and charming. Not many ENFJs do I know. I think this depends on the instinctual varieties stacking as well, like so is my last so I'm only now starting to pick up on the importance of that one.

 

[Velvet_Rose]

I'm not skilled in groups but I'm horrible in one-on-one! (With a stranger, I should point out.) It just weirds me out and makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm especially bad at going up to someone and asking anything---particularly "Would you like to buy this?" "Would you like to donate to....?" I feel like I'm imposing or like I'm personally reaching into their pocket and stealing all their money. O.O (what if they need that money for something else? what if their kid's in the hospital and they can't afford it? what if THEY actually need MY money more than I need their's? Paranoia spirals on in the way the "I hate it when people pour my cereal" meme goes.)

 

[AaminaFlower]

I'm not good with groups, I tend to do to better in smaller ones and 1-1. INFPs I know are likeable because of their laid-back demeanour and ENFPs tend to be very engaging and charming. Not many ENFJs do I know. I think this depends on the instinctual varieties stacking as well, like so is my last so I'm only now starting to pick up on the importance of that one.

Do you still believe in magical thinking and bronze age mythology? Heven't we evolved? Okay so I am not skilled in groups either. So what? I like to take control of things and do it my way. Or the highway. Who doesn't?

 

[Honor]

I'm an ENFJ, most likely. The INFPs I know tend not to speak up very much in group settings at all. They observe, they analyze...when they believe the group is acting with improper values, they feel profoundly upset and refuse to participate. I think they often idealize people who are socially adept and can act with the warmth and goodness that they feel inside. INFJs can go pretty under the radar too. They may deeply, stubbornly disagree but wait until called upon to voice their opinions. ENFPs...I find that they have more acquaintances than I do, but they can often get spooked in openly emotional situations and don't know whether X or Y would make the situation better. For example, I find that an ENFP friend of mine who doesn't know what to say to comfort people even though I think she wishes she knew how. And ENFJs, I find that there are confident ones who come off as being very skilled socially and in control of social situations. And more shy ones who play more of an "observer" role because they're unsure of themselves and how others will perceive them.

 

[prplchknz]

people say i'm better at it than i perceive myself to be, but at the same time, i get told that i shouldn't say certain things aloud.

 

[subwayrider]

Many of my ESFP friends are socially unskilled because they are extremely hyper-focused in the moment. Most of the thoughts they express are along the lines of 'I'm hungry' or 'My foot hurts'. They tend to not filter out the small details of life that (this may sound harsh) no one but them cares about.
ESTP's seem semi-socially skilled; I would say they are entertaining and people are drawn to them, but sometimes aren't aware of certain boundaries. That can also continue to entertain and draw people to them though haha
NF's can gauge a situation and generate a better reaction than sensors. They may not react at all or as quickly because NFs all seem a bit shy, save ENFJs.

Statistically, according to Thomson, ESPs enjoy the most effortless and far-reaching social connection of all the types. I think it really comes down to (the people in) your environment. Most Americans are supposed to be Sensors, so it's no surprise that those who lead with Extraverted Sensation will find it easiest to relate to people. Outgoingness and the ability to live in the moment are also the cultural ideal to a great extent, with which ESPs will easily meld.

But, say you're in a room full of only NFs, what then? Well, thence, relating to people requires being on their wavelength -- the ENFs will likely be the most socially able, and the INFs would have a much easier time relating to others than they normally do because...everyone in the entourage understands the world and self in a very similar way.

It's all tied in with who's in the majority and what characteristics are lauded in your environment.

 

[garbage]

I've also discovered that I can enjoy hosting groups, but when I'm done with them I think, "Okay, that was fun, now go fuck off; leave immediately please."

I haven't yet come up with a tactful way to 'push them out the door' without some trite, transparent concluding remark e.g. "Well, it was nice to see you!! I hope to see you again soon!!" This is one area where I am not socially skilled, but mostly because I'm at that point too tired to be tactful.

 

[prplchknz]

I've also discovered that I can enjoy hosting groups, but when I'm done with them I think, "Okay, that was fun, now go fuck off; leave immediately please."

I haven't yet come up with a tactful way to 'push them out the door' without some trite, transparent concluding remark e.g. "Well, it was nice to see you!! I hope to see you again soon!!" This is one area where I am not socially skilled, but mostly because I'm at that point too tired to be tactful.

how about "I like you, but I need to do so [insert something you need to do] it will be hella boring, you should just go I'll give you a call later this week" ?

 

[briochick]

I wouldn't say I'm completely socially inept, but I'm not adept. No one would ever call me smooth, and I can get nervous and start talking about myself which makes me look selfish, or I can start asking people questions, which some people take as interrogation. But, I'm okay. Personally I can enjoy fairly large groups for a few hours, and then I want to be by myself for at least 20 hours. I'm best one-on-one, then I'm in my element.

 

[Amargith]

The social graces I do have atm didn't come naturally to me, for sure. But being focused on people does help develop the necessary ones, I find.

What did come naturally to me from an early age was the ability to empathise, though nobody gave me the mother*** manual for the thing so it took me forever to wield that properly.