[Si] Coward with no money, and low self esteem...seeking attractive and intelligent woman.

[EnflamedHeartofSand]

I'm a coward, with low self esteem, misogynistic ideas, and a bucket-load of resentment and shame. I have basically lost hope of ever keeping a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I still cannot escape the desire for one. I remember an old girl friend telling me how easy it is to approach a woman and enter into a relationship with one....trying to set me aright, to help me overcome my fear of approaching women. It never worked, I walk through the world, observing women as if they are behind a solid block of glass from which it is possible for me to look at them, but impossible to approach.

I try to accept the fear, and try to tell myself to focus my life on other things. Impossible, all I can think about is how I will die alone, because I'll never be able to overcome this fear of intimacy and commitment.

I guess I haven't met the right one, but even if I did, I guarantee I'd be too fearful to approach her.

 

[31january]

Misogynistic ideas?

 

[Fidelia]

Work on the other areas of your life first and your relationship to yourself. Then your chance of having a successful relationship will go up exponentially. Have you figured out why you feel resentment, shame and misogynistic feelings? What steps have you taken to deal with those feelings?

Build some platonic relationships with a variety of people/generations and develop skills so that you have legitimate sources of feeling useful and confident. Develop your communication skills with people outside of the context of a romantic relationship. Getting into a relationship will not assuage your feelings of loneliness. Intimacy is developed by learning to trust and to be appropriately vulnerable. If you have not done that with other people in your life, I think you will find it even more difficult to do it with a woman. At the same time, I truly don't think you are doomed to having to give up what you long for. It's just that there's no shortcut to a successful relationship and many people would like to jump right in, without having done the pre-requisite work that would allow the relationship to develop and flourish.

Think about what you have to offer a woman right now and then build on that. You really only have the right to expect to get together with someone who has a similar amount to offer. Right now, do you really want to be with a penniless woman who dislikes herself, is lonely, not close to anyone and dislikes men? In your title line, you indicate that you want an intelligent and attractive woman. In all honesty, I think an intelligent and attractive woman would also have to have some serious hangups to want to date someone who is in your current position. She would be selling herself short.

I don't mean that as a jab to you, as I believe that no one is doomed to a particular fate should they be determined that they want to better their lot. Take the time to be the kind of man that the kind of woman you want deserves to have. You've taken a good first step by acknowledging the problem you face. Now it's a matter of figuring out how you got there and what you can start doing differently that will allow you to have the kind of life you wish for.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

It's good you can admit all those things.

Perhaps soon you can take a baby step and overcome the fear that keeps you in chains and buried alive.

 

[Ene]

Fidelia has given you some really good advice. I really thought about this and I can't think of anything that hits the nail on the head more than she already has.

 

[EnflamedHeartofSand]

Thank you for the sobering thoughts. It takes hard work, and there is no quick fix. I needed to release these thoughts, and am thankful to you who replied.

 

[Redbone]

Thank you for the sobering thoughts. It takes hard work, and there is no quick fix. I needed to release these thoughts, and am thankful to you who replied.

The bold is what makes it so painful because one has to endure the present while doing the work. It can be easy to give up when there is no quick pay off. That's why the baby steps can help because they are small things that can be done without too much risk.

You can do it.

 

[Thalassa]

I don't know if there is something about our modern culture that makes men cowards, but many are either like you, too afraid to approach women in the first place (the beautiful mysterious lady behind glass or whatever) OR they are very confident about having cheap or casual sex with with women, but terrified of having an intimate relationship with one.

So trust me when I say though you APPEAR very different, you're no more of a coward than a 25 or 30 year old man-whore who still fucks around and can't bring himself to have a real relationship, like a 19 year old frat boy.

 

[entropie]

[...] Impossible, all I can think about is how I will die alone, [...]

This's your main problem, the moment I stopped worrieing about whether I am too die alone all day long, the woman came and knocked on my door. The inner peace of mind is a thing that gets better for you with age, especially in puberty and late puberty your hormones are a big enemy to that feeling. So I can comfort you by telling you, you wont stay that restless forever.

Main thing you can do now is keep to yourself an 'inner naive child' about romance and dont become dull or fatalistic. Dont let yourself pressure by society or by what others tell you that you ought to have by your age already. Just keep an optimistic hope for real love and when you grow older it will come to you (by that time most other people have grown dull and it wont ever come to them).

 

[Lark]

I'm none of those things, I'm the opposite of some of those things, I'm also single with no prospects of a relationship. Just fun and good times, which is alright I guess.

I'll race you to a steady relationship

 

[Il Morto Che Parla]

I'm a coward, with low self esteem, misogynistic ideas, and a bucket-load of resentment and shame. I have basically lost hope of ever keeping a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I still cannot escape the desire for one. I remember an old girl friend telling me how easy it is to approach a woman and enter into a relationship with one....trying to set me aright, to help me overcome my fear of approaching women. It never worked, I walk through the world, observing women as if they are behind a solid block of glass from which it is possible for me to look at them, but impossible to approach.

I try to accept the fear, and try to tell myself to focus my life on other things. Impossible, all I can think about is how I will die alone, because I'll never be able to overcome this fear of intimacy and commitment.

I guess I haven't met the right one, but even if I did, I guarantee I'd be too fearful to approach her.

You say you have misogynsitic ideas, but paradoxically, you think like a woman...i.e you place central importance on finding security with a partner. Person-oriented rather than goal oriented.

I would say that you should stop worrying about dying alone, because we all die alone. Instead, concentrate on living.

I think most women honestly could not take a man who is thinking about long-term security from the first time he approaches them...leave that for a woman to worry about.

Otherwise, maybe you could find a very goal-oriented, dominant woman, so you could reproduce traditional relationship dynamics, but in an inverted way.

Just be aware, they are rare and may often not be the ones you are initially sexually attracted to.

Your paradox is you want a conventionally attractive woman but you don't have a conventional male attitude which they would be attracted to.

So as I see it, the above are your two opions, GOOD LUCK!

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

I'm a coward, with low self esteem, misogynistic ideas, and a bucket-load of resentment and shame. I have basically lost hope of ever keeping a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I still cannot escape the desire for one. I remember an old girl friend telling me how easy it is to approach a woman and enter into a relationship with one....trying to set me aright, to help me overcome my fear of approaching women. It never worked, I walk through the world, observing women as if they are behind a solid block of glass from which it is possible for me to look at them, but impossible to approach.

I try to accept the fear, and try to tell myself to focus my life on other things. Impossible, all I can think about is how I will die alone, because I'll never be able to overcome this fear of intimacy and commitment.

I guess I haven't met the right one, but even if I did, I guarantee I'd be too fearful to approach her.

Seek out a hottie with low self-esteem (Note: Not hard to find) and target her insecurities.
It usually keeps them around for a while.

She probably won't be as "intelligent" as you require, [insult removed].

 

[EnflamedHeartofSand]

Il Morto, I agree with you, thanks.

Duck, thanks for giving the 'quick fix' option. Part of me wanted to hear this, although I don't think I could target her insecurities, my self esteem is probably lower than hers.

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

Build yours by wrecking hers.

 

[Lark]

Build yours by wrecking hers.

I'm saddened by the extent to which people actually do this.

 

[Thalassa]

I'm saddened by the extent to which people actually do this.

Yep. This is NOT the way to have a healthy relationship. Dating: you're doing it wrong.

 

[Poindexter Arachnid]

I'm saddened by the extent to which people actually do this.

I am too! Nevertheless, it works.

 

[Lark]

I am too! Nevertheless, it works.

I dont think it does if you've a conscience.

 

[Thalassa]

I dont think it does if you've a conscience.

It doesn't work in the long-term. It may work in the short term to engage in some kind of power struggle, but you're screwing not only that other person but yourself over in the long-term.

You don't admire and respect a person as much when they don't have self-esteem. In a real loving relationship you'd both have self-esteem, not try to make the other person have none.

Eventually you may even grow to hate the person after you've abused them down under your control, like "next!"

Really pathetic, truly.

 

[Lark]

It doesn't work in the long-term. It may work in the short term to engage in some kind of power struggle, but you're screwing not only that other person but yourself over in the long-term.

You don't admire and respect a person as much when they don't have self-esteem. In a real loving relationship you'd both have self-esteem, not try to make the other person have none.

Eventually you may even grow to hate the person after you've abused them down under your control, like "next!"

Really pathetic, truly.

sado-masochistic control issues standing in for love.