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[NF] Hug versus saying I love you, for an NF

Froody Blue Gem

Necromancing Scapelamb
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I myself do need encouragement if someone gets close to me. Especially with the insecurities I'm oh so prone to. I am very awkward with hugs but if someone very special came along and we can time to get to know each other, I would actually need the hugs.

But once again, we would need to build the relationship and the trust before I admitted that, and I wouldn't want to force physical affection. Forced physical affection on me makes me curl up into my shell and hide. I struggle with putting feelings like "I love you" into words so I wouldn't want to force it out of someone else. I would need to hear something and be subtle about it but I wouldn't want to guilt trip them. If I truly loved them, I would want them to feel loved.
 

Zhaylin

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I'm sure my hubby is an ISTJ. I'm an INFP. The start of our relationship was exceptionally rocky, to say the least lol. I always asked him what he was thinking during drives when the silence became unbearable.
One day, he lashed out, I broke down in tears. Things were said, which I no longer remember. I do remember, though, that things changed after that.

He tells me he loves me frequently. Too frequently lol, but it's adorable and our "thing", so I'm not complaining. Whenever we speak on the phone, we say "I love you" or "love you" twice before hanging up. The kids always giggle and roll their eyes.

When we see each other, we give kisses to the cheek or smacks on the lips. We embrace for a short while; I kiss his neck.

I don't like a lot of physicality. I feel suffocated or overwhelmed. There were times, when my kids were young, that I would blow them hugs as one would blow a kiss. There were plenty of actual hugs, but sometimes I just couldn't.

SO, I prefer words, actions (doing things for the other), and behavior (being supportive, communicative).
 

ceecee

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Fairly even distribution of each is the correct answer.
 
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I don’t need to hear it after every interaction. Anyone can say I love you. They’re words. Have you ever seen a couple with all the passion and feelings drained from their relationship say it? It’s reflexive but devoid of emotion- like saying how are you to a stranger as part of an expected routine during a social interaction.

I find actions to be reassuring. Thoughtful gestures. My girlfriend doesn’t say I love you with the cheap drama of a soap opera character at regular intervals. She says it occasionally and it has more meaning to me because I know it’s heartfelt. She does however constantly remind me that she’s thinking of me through little actions. Remembering little details about me and my personality. She does hug me and she does frequently touch me lightly such as on the arm or briefly gripping my hand as we’re moving about doing activities. She’s never going to leap into my arms like some 1940’s starlet gazing at me with fluttering lashes. I don’t need her to.

Everyone has there own style to displaying affection and you learn to read this through time. You can’t expect someone to express their love through the exact methods you use or want them to use. Some people are very subtle in their displays yet that doesn’t diminish their commitment or feelings.
 

Luminous

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Recently my ENFJ female friend has a new boyfriend. She told me she was bothered by the fact that he (my guess an INTJ) doesn't tell her every now and then, that he loves her. I quote "I want him often to say that he loves me unlimited".

So I asked her if he did hug her. He did that. A lot.
Looks to me as the same, or even better than (just) saying I love you.

Is this a common NF thing? Or general insecurity?

It is not an insecurity thing at all. Or, it doesn't have to be. I need to hear "I love you" from a romantic partner to be content, and I need hugs, and I need sex, I need quality time, and I need respect, caring, and consideration. I understand that not everyone is the same and that is where some level of compromise comes in. But compromise doesn't mean one partner's needs get completely ignored as if they are unimportant, stupid, or high maintenance.

Don't ever expect to get a diverse range of expressions from any IxTx type!

You don't know how many threads there have been with complaints about "my ISTP doesn't love me", or "my INTJ doesn't care" and so forth.

My suggestion would be to introduce these people to personality types and explain why certain types (IxTx, enneagram 5) are just not programmed to perform these sorts of social rituals and relationship functions at a sufficient level to please the stupid multitudes.

Do everyone a favor and never go out with someone who has different emotional needs than you, if you consider anyone other than someone just like you to be part of a "stupid multitude."

Different people need different things. Sometimes explaining that, and explaining that different people feel comfortable expressing things in different ways helps that situation, but sometimes those people still need to have their needs met. Explanations don't magically make needs go away. Some people will still need words, some will need quality time, and some will need sex. That's just the way it is.

She is high maintenance in my opinion. He sounds like a low maintenance giver, therein lies the issue.

Wanting to hear I love you from someone who does love you makes you high maintenance? That's completely absurd and insensitive. Ignoring your partner's expressed needs is a great way to wreck a relationship.
 

Earl Grey

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Personally, I really dislike shows of affection, and in certain situations I am more often than not averse to them. One of them is in arguments. A lady I dated was this quiet, sweet thing, but was very sensitive. Every time I raised my voice, she thinks hugging (or affection in general) will make it go away, when it makes me angrier. I made her actually say it, though, and it made me realize why on earth she was (in my eyes) 'randomly' hugging me. Sometimes, when I rejected it, she would end up crying because she thinks I don't love her anymore. I sat her down and had a conversation that in certain emotional states, like anger, I would be much more averse to affection than usual, and I understood that her intent was to create a bridge of peace and show her love because she cares for me. It took a bit of reassurance but she understood! She got used to it. She also made a habit of asking before hugging. Communication, man.

Don't go either hugging around or avoiding NFs just because they are 'affectionate by default' or 'being clingy'- it's just a different language. Think about what works with the person you're with rather than something arbitrary. If you add a 'because you are X type!' (eg: You need hugs, because you are an NF!) to your understanding of a person, you're doing it wrong.
 

Maou

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I never really knew how to show affection... to anyone. My parents were never affectionate, so the best I had to go on was TV and movies. It was an extremely painstaking experience to learn to hug, or even say positive things to people. When I got together with my BF, I was mortified with the sudden demand to show affection. As he is a rather touchy-feely type lover, as well as verbal. Sure I learned to say it, hug etc, but it never really felt authentic to me. It did become mechanical, but he was responsive to it so I guess it doesn't matter.

I myself, prefer to show people through my actions that I care for them. There probably isn't something I would not do if asked by someone I love. I do think dedication and patience are very important in a relationship though.
 

Coriolis

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I never really knew how to show affection... to anyone. My parents were never affectionate, so the best I had to go on was TV and movies. It was an extremely painstaking experience to learn to hug, or even say positive things to people. When I got together with my BF, I was mortified with the sudden demand to show affection. As he is a rather touchy-feely type lover, as well as verbal. Sure I learned to say it, hug etc, but it never really felt authentic to me. It did become mechanical, but he was responsive to it so I guess it doesn't matter.

I myself, prefer to show people through my actions that I care for them. There probably isn't something I would not do if asked by someone I love. I do think dedication and patience are very important in a relationship though.
This. I never did learn to hug or show much physical or explicit verbal affection. I don't tell people I love them, for instance.
 

Yuurei

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I am far more tellerant of it than I use it to be because I have been surrounded by overly affectionate people for so long that I’ve just learned to accept and even appreciate it for what it is. Although I myself an not very open with displays of affection.

My husband tells me he loves me all the time. It’s nice but what really shows but is when he wraps me up in warm blankets and gives me the heating pad and hot tea after a day out in the rain, or brings me water, every fan in the house and puts a cold compress on my head when I overheat from working in the garden.
Oh and the time he cancelled a rare oppertunity to visit freinds to drive me 60 mi to a family gathering I was being guilted over.

My best freind ( INFP) suprises me with hugs and “ I love you’s” on occasion. Just today in the middle of the game she stood and held her arms out toward ne. I was very confused for a minute. I hope I did not hurt her feelings when my response was a perplexed “ Wut?”
 

Hermit of the Forest

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I’m much more likely to hug someone I love than actually say so. I usually won’t say it unless the words are fighting to get out, as most people I’m around aren’t the sort to appreciate it. I can only put myself out so far... it makes me feel too vulnerable. I wish things were different. Some days I feel almost desperate to hear an “I love you”, but if nobody means it, it’s best left unsaid.
 

Amberiat

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My best freind ( INFP) suprises me with hugs and “ I love you’s” on occasion. Just today in the middle of the game she stood and held her arms out toward ne. I was very confused for a minute. I hope I did not hurt her feelings when my response was a perplexed “ Wut?”

In my experience people do or say something more than that, which makes their intention to hug obvious, but I can just imagine if someone was in front on me and just suddenly held their arms out without saying or doing anything else I'd probably just say something along the lines of "What?" or "Are you okay?"
 

Kanra Jest

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I almost never say I love you and I hate it when others say it. Unless it's my loved one. Otherwise it just feels awkward and I ... don't like it. I don't want to throw such a word around. I want to save it for that special one in particular and no one else, if I can.

But occasionally I give in just for harmony.

Hugs I don't do unless someone else initiates or maybe if they're emotional because idk what else to do, then, and it's awkward.

Others emotions are quite awkward and discomforting.

If I am to hug someone I generally just ask "wanna hug?" and hold my arms out. I did that once with a cute girl who wanted to be friends but obviously had a crush on me and she immediately said "yes!" in like a nanosecond. Lol It was cute
 

Kanra Jest

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This is definitely a love languages preference. Everyone receives messages of love in very different ways. Verbal, tokens of appreciation etc..
The 5 Love Languages: Which One Are You? [QUIZ] - Goodnet

I've heard of this. Most of that was talking and listening vs physically doing stuff constantly being a love language, physical activity. Leaves a little to be desired. Almost an N vs S type thing.

I am all about getting and giving gifts, though. But other than that I just like mental connection and quality time, one on one, sharing a lot mentally than physically. But going places counts too. According to this.
 

Oberon

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Recently my ENFJ female friend has a new boyfriend. She told me she was bothered by the fact that he (my guess an INTJ) doesn't tell her every now and then, that he loves her. I quote "I want him often to say that he loves me unlimited".

So I asked her if he did hug her. He did that. A lot.
Looks to me as the same, or even better than (just) saying I love you.

Is this a common NF thing? Or general insecurity?

Doesn't sound like an intj to me. If he were an intj he would know that saying "I love you" gets in her good graces and he would say it. Sounds like an ESTP.
 
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