[INFJ] How to win back an INFJ guy

[kotachi]

Once an INFJ guy has broken up with you, is it possible to win him back? How do you do it?


Is it possible, once they've told you they no longer feel attracted except physically/don't feel they are in a psychological place to be in a serious relationship because they are going abroad for a year next year? We are both living at our parent's houses. He is employed and I am looking for work. He told me to move on and that he only cares as friends, and I handled the breakup really badly. However he was so indecisive during our protracted 2 month separation I feel like maybe I could win him back...

It was my first real relationship and unfortunately I made a lot of mistakes. I lashed out at him during stressful times and hurt him. I acted very clingy and controlling. I was very insecure and felt like he was too good for me which I think led to my terrible behavior. (I have a lot of issues with emotional intimacy due to my upbringing). I was codependent and lost myself while dating him..my self-esteem tanked. I became someone I wasn't..

Part of it though was that he stressed me out with his constant talk of not being able to commit more than "day by day" due to his job situation, as well as him talking about/crying about his ex who broke his heart. It made me feel not good enough and that if I tried harder/were a better girlfriend he would act more invested in the relationship.

We are still friends though, and he's been supporting me through a very bad period in my life. I want nothing more than to win him back... now that I've had some time I am kicking myself over how i acted and the mistakes i made. I am slowly getting better and when we hang out it feels like there might still be some attraction there in him...but I am noticing that I am the one doing all the initiating.

He has a lot of female friends though, and to be honest every time I talk to him, it feels good for a bit but then the next day I feel the aftermath. But how can I get him back if I'm not his friend? I've decided to stop messaging him for now.

I'm trying to date a new infj but I feel this compulsion to hang on. I've never met someone like him in my life and I was completely in love for the first time. He is literally the perfect person for me and I can't handle the idea of having lost him due to my behavior...

 

[cafe]

There is still attraction there. He told you that. He's physically attracted to you. That is not the same as wanting to have a relationship with someone. You can't really control who you're attracted to. It's mostly not a choice. His attraction to you is happening more or less without his consent. If he gives into it, he will probably be betraying his values and using you. That might cause him to associate you with feelings of self-loathing and shame. I would not encourage that.

I do not think attempting to get him back is a wise choice at this time. He is consenting to be friends with you right now probably because of concern for your life and/or mental health. It's likely that as soon as he feels he safely can, he will distance himself from you.

Work on getting yourself better. Making some kind of life for yourself. You are not going to be any good in a relationship until you are capable of functioning on your own. Once you can do that, it's possible he may consider dating you again. I do not believe it's likely, but it's possible.

The longer you have in a situation where he *has* to be there for you, the less of a chance you have of getting back with him. He likely resents it and feels as though he is being emotionally blackmailed. I don't know about him, but I don't get over that stuff very well. I get to the point where I'd rather chew my own arm off than deal with it anymore. That's not a good way to engender positive feelings.

Jumping into a new relationship when you are still recovering from the old one and still have strong feelings for your ex is not a great idea, either. Think how you felt when your ex was still upset about his ex. It wasn't kind of him to make you feel that way and it wouldn't be kind for you to make a new partner feel that way, IMO.

 

[kotachi]

as much as that sucked to read, cafe, i really needed to hear it.

when we'd gotten dinner, he asked if we could get dinner again in the future (but he's the type that frequently will say stuff and then not follow up). and then when i'd asked him to hang out this weekend he made up some lame excuse. however then two days later he messaged me a friendly "how's your friday going" last night, and I messaged him a friendly "hello" today with a cool fact i'd read in nat geo.

but really in my gut i know you're probably right. coming to terms with it is just so fucking difficult and i keep drifting into fantasy land where i forget the reality of what has gone down. we also share a bunch of close mutual friends which probably has something to do with it. ugh.

i feel so ashamed and realize that i am clinically depressed (two appointments next week: one for meds, one for therapy) and fall firmly in the category of "crazy ex" now.

should i completely stop contacting him and delete his number?

 

[cafe]

If you can resist contacting him without deleting his number, that might be a good thing to do. If you can't resist contacting him if you have his number handy, delete it. He has your number and you could probably send him a message though mutual friends if something important came up.

Try not to feel ashamed. We all do stuff we're not proud of and lots of people suffer from clinical depression. Get better. Work on creating a life you like. Then you will attract someone you can have an equal relationship with and it will be a much better experience.

 

[kotachi]

yeah..well, i mean there would be no real reason to call him from here on out. i have been talking to other friends this week when I have panic attacks, I don't have any of his things, etc. every time i've texted him he's been really nice but the idea of it all being fake because he's afraid i'll do something harmful, him running once he thinks im safe and resenting me is too much to bear. >< so better to remove any temptation because thinking of it hurts

going to just try to forget he exists >.<

hoping that talking to a therapist will help me get over the self-loathing I feel and let go of this in a healthier way

 

[xenaprincess]

oh....hugs, dear.

The issues you mention that affected your relationship (codependency, insecurity, etc.) are not little mistakes that one can get through. That is, you can't just 'do over' a relationship or start another one without some work on yourself and in these areas. There will be setbacks. There will be triumphs. But it cannot happen overnight.

Maybe the occurrences themselves were 'mistakes' but these mistakes point to how you feel deeply about yourself and your self worth, your sense of boundaries, etc. I'm so sorry you feel shame, but I agree with Cafe...try not to fall into it, because beating yourself up for simply being human will make you wind up in the same place, where you feel undeserving (and needy, etc.).

I wouldn't call him either. If it helps at all, I went thru a period of this too a while ago. You can get through this to the other side...but, take it one day at a time. Baby steps.

Going to the gym helps. Try to get out of the house and not wallow!

 

[xenaprincess]

btw I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like 'hey, you have real issues'. Everyone has issues.

Also...I felt like a lot of guys were 'the guy for me'. I think the codependency intensifies that feeling. Try to see that?

And you might think that you have to take a break from relationships for a long, long time, but that's not the case. Actually you work thru the codependency and relationship issues by having relationships.

hugs, hugs, hugs!!!!

 

[Standuble]

Why would you even want to get back together with him?

 

[A_priori]

Once an INFJ guy has broken up with you, is it possible to win him back? How do you do it?


Is it possible, once they've told you they no longer feel attracted except physically/don't feel they are in a psychological place to be in a serious relationship because they are going abroad for a year next year? We are both living at our parent's houses. He is employed and I am looking for work. He told me to move on and that he only cares as friends, and I handled the breakup really badly. However he was so indecisive during our protracted 2 month separation I feel like maybe I could win him back...

It was my first real relationship and unfortunately I made a lot of mistakes. I lashed out at him during stressful times and hurt him. I acted very clingy and controlling. I was very insecure and felt like he was too good for me which I think led to my terrible behavior. (I have a lot of issues with emotional intimacy due to my upbringing). I was codependent and lost myself while dating him..my self-esteem tanked. I became someone I wasn't..

Part of it though was that he stressed me out with his constant talk of not being able to commit more than "day by day" due to his job situation, as well as him talking about/crying about his ex who broke his heart. It made me feel not good enough and that if I tried harder/were a better girlfriend he would act more invested in the relationship.

We are still friends though, and he's been supporting me through a very bad period in my life. I want nothing more than to win him back... now that I've had some time I am kicking myself over how i acted and the mistakes i made. I am slowly getting better and when we hang out it feels like there might still be some attraction there in him...but I am noticing that I am the one doing all the initiating.

He has a lot of female friends though, and to be honest every time I talk to him, it feels good for a bit but then the next day I feel the aftermath. But how can I get him back if I'm not his friend? I've decided to stop messaging him for now.

I'm trying to date a new infj but I feel this compulsion to hang on. I've never met someone like him in my life and I was completely in love for the first time. He is literally the perfect person for me and I can't handle the idea of having lost him due to my behavior...

Move on trust me. Good luck

 

[kotachi]

Thanks for the advice all. I have since started antidepressants and have recovered from my terrible time with clinical depression. Unfortunately though, even after telling him that i was doing better and not contacting him for a while he texts me from time to time. He even asked me to see a movie with and lent me some books?

It is hurting my heart because when I break up with someone i just cut them off. I am never friends after the fact. I wouldnt keep them around if i didn't still think there might be a future. Yet he keeps hanging out with me and talking to me.. what is going on? He even gave me a rather flirtacious hug where he picked me up and spun me around. I keep wondering if i can show him ive changed what i assume were the reasons for the breakup if it might make a difference? But he clearly told me to move on?

Now that things have calmed down would it be a bad idea to ask him to reconsider? Or should I just stop hoping and stop responding when he contacts.

I can tell he is feeling depressed and we are both isolated here in job limbo.

 

[Lexicon]

Thanks for the advice all. I have since started antidepressants and have recovered from my terrible time with clinical depression. Unfortunately though, even after telling him that i was doing better and not contacting him for a while he texts me from time to time. He even asked me to see a movie with and lent me some books?

It is hurting my heart because when I break up with someone i just cut them off. I am never friends after the fact. I wouldnt keep them around if i didn't still think there might be a future. Yet he keeps hanging out with me and talking to me.. what is going on? He even gave me a rather flirtacious hug where he picked me up and spun me around. I keep wondering if i can show him ive changed what i assume were the reasons for the breakup if it might make a difference? But he clearly told me to move on?

Now that things have calmed down would it be a bad idea to ask him to reconsider? Or should I just stop hoping and stop responding when he contacts.

I can tell he is feeling depressed and we are both isolated here in job limbo.

You should never have to ask another person to love you.

 

[kotachi]

So its hopeless?

 

[kotachi]

The idea of being friends if theres no hope of reconciliation is not something i want to deal with. If he is really done and wants me to move on, why the hell does he keep contacting me? I either want him in my life as somebody im dating or not all, the middle is mental torture. But if he is starting to warm up again i dont want to freak him and push him away by asking upfront and pressuring him as i had done before.

 

[kotachi]

But if theres no hope i am going to have to stop responding

 

[Lexicon]

So its hopeless?

If he wants to be friends, & you still wish for more, and those feelings aren't dealt with- there's no reason to put yourself through more pain just for one person to keep ties to something that's not even there, in a manner of speaking. Either way it'd be one-sided. He'd want your friendship & you'd not be in the emotional place to give it, and you'd want his love, when he's not going to reciprocate that. An imbalance like that is sustainable only for so long. Perhaps sometime down the road, a friendship might be viable. But trying to hold a torch for/cling to hope that someone will simply decide they want you again.. seems like a terrible way to live, moment to moment. Don't put yourself through that, if you can help it. It's far more damaging in the longterm. And you may miss out on good things in life, along the way. We're only here for so long.

But if theres no hope i am going to have to stop responding

Taking a break from contact is not unreasonable, given your situation, but of course that's going to be painful
Just try to keep in mind, taking care of YOU should be paramount.

 

[_eric_]

Agreed on all accounts Lexicon.

I think you should be up front about this and tell him not to contact you or anything, period, and if he tries, you gotta refuse and keep to your boundaries. Leaving any questions of 'what if' in your mind will only keep the hurt lingering inside you, and you don't deserve that at all. You need closure so you can really move on.

 

[A_priori]

First off you don't need to change anything about yourself. Who you are is special and unique. I am getting the sense that he may want you to be there for him when it is convienent for him but doesn't share the same intimate intrests. You might want to re evaluate what your needs are right now and seriously consider weather or not you guys can have a platonic relationship. You have to remember that finding the right person is tough if not almost impossible. Don't be discouraged and have some compassion for yourself. I'm guessing that you are either in your late teens or maybe early twenties and if this is the case know that you have lots of time to find Mr right. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find happiness elsewhere because I have been in a similar situation when I was younger and not that I look back I can see that it was completely toxic.

Your friend

 

[kotachi]

I take back what I said earlier.. had a massive panic attack this morning beating myself up again for the demise of the relationship and then over my fear of being alone, fear that the chronic anxiety ive experienced over the years has prematurely aged me, fear...i talked to him yesterday and it seems that every time i talk to him transforms into a panic attack.

 

[kotachi]

It is scary to give up my only friend here and face the post graduate world feeling very alone and lost. But this is running me into the ground. The amount of guilt and grief i feel is so extreme and i already have so much stress. Trying to pretend like everything is okay around him, even. It has to stop and thank you all so much for the advice.

 

[kotachi]

every friday he texts me if he hasn't heard from me, with something like "yay, it's friday!" i ignored him this time. it took a lot of self control on my part and i am proud of myself. i am going to continue to ignore him until he stops texting and i stop thinking about him and focus as much as i can on getting myself out of this situation.

id be upfront and tell him but really any contact with him so negatively affects my mental state i can't handle it. because i beat myself up over how badly i treated him, how immaturely i acted, ruining my chance with "the one", and all the mistakes i've made...not just with him but in college/my luife in general...it just leads to a can of worms i can't afford to revisit again now that i am on the mend.

it's sort of like.. he is just fine, likely has no feelings for me whatsoever other than probably vague boredom-induced friendship. whereas any communication with him threatens to throw me back into a depressive beating-self-up cycle for days. so for my own good i am just going completely silent unless he seems seriously concerned.


trying to wipe my brain clean

so i will just not respond unless he asks directly, and i will just reassure him that i am doing well and hope he is too. i also unblocked him from facebook so that he will be able to see my posts on mutual friends' statuses and know i am okay and havent fallen into a bad place again.

thinking about death and wasted years lately. feels like life is ticking away and that ive ruined my chances for a happy life, a good career i like and to find the one, an actual family, now that i am 23. but i have an internship that starts tomorrow, and it has a small potential to turn into fulltime work, which would allow me to move out of my parents' house and the extreme isolation other than with my previously very abusive family who make me feel like shit about myself and constant racing inescapable thoughts that ive fucked up my life in every single way which has been my existence since september.

please hope for me because every day i feel nervous about the future and regret about my past. i am hoping for myself! and removing this regretful part of my past will help a lot... so many mistakes made but trying to treat this as a rebirth

the extreme regret i felt over my life thus far is what drove me to the point of almost ending it so i am trying to let go of those regrets and treat my life now as a rebirth. and focusing now as hard as I possibly can on moving out of the house, with a reasonable job, out of this place, and into LIFE. that is the ONLY thing I am focusing on right now, because I can't waste any more of my life in regret and ennui than I have for the past 6 months.

so many goals not accomplished over the past 5 years due to depression, my own faults and effects of abuse clouding my way... time to regain my life and hopefully finally be happy and feel like i have a life worth living and talking about