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[NF] NF's What makes you loose empathy?

iNtrovert

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As an NF I find it easy to empathize with others but In certain situations I can become unsympathetic or emotionally closed off. Personally I've noticed I do this in the following situations:

1. When I'm not being listened to.
2. when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
3. When the person is not considering the feelings of other people around them.
4. When I feel that person has been given every possible resource to succeed and chose not to take advantage of them.
5. When that person is being ignorant.
6.When I lose respect for someone.
7.When I have been personally wronged.
8.When that person has wronged someone close to me.

In these situations I can become very judgmental,hold grudges, lose empathy and otherwise shutdown to that individual. I'm trying not to do that because people can change but in my defense it takes a lot for me to get to that point. It's normally a combination of all these things that I let build up and then one day it all comes boiling up to the surface the end result is usually an emotional wedge between me and that person. Then every time I try to feel sorry for them it's like there's an emotional road block there. It's like there's this brick wall between me and the people I have relationships with. The more connections I form with them over time the more bricks I remove from my wall. The converse is also true the more they do on my mental/emotional checklist the more bricks I add until I'm emotionally shut off. I guess I'd describe my individual relationships with people as a series of walls or a maze, some with more dead ends than others. This loss of empathy would occur in the sense that the whole maze is a dead end with no entry or exit and I'm completely closed off to them.


I was wondering if other NF's get like this. If so in what situations?
 

SilkRoad

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I relate to almost everything you posted. It's only happened to me in a small number of situations, but it is pretty serious when it does. I completely relate to "every time I try to feel sorry for them there is an emotional roadblock." It does have to be a fairly extreme situation though such as being taken advantage of for a long time or somehow feeling very threatened or betrayed.

I have found that a few times I've broken with someone but with a thought that perhaps somewhere down the line we could reconnect. However, once I've gained more distance from them I tend to harden into a realization that I want little or nothing to do with them. Gradually I realise I don't like or respect them any more...something like that.

Again, this seldom happens to me, but it has happened. (And yeah, I tend to hold grudges - I know that protecting yourself from harmful people can be essential at times, but I do feel the grudges tend to harm me.)
 

iNtrovert

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Again, this seldom happens to me, but it has happened. (And yeah, I tend to hold grudges - I know that protecting yourself from harmful people can be essential at times, but I do feel the grudges tend to harm me.)

I agree. I'd also say that when I hold grudges against someone and it seems to affect me more than that other person and it kills me. In sense for me it adds insult to injury because not only did you offend me but you don't even care. I get like this when I feel the relationship is salvageable but when it's prolonged I do exactly what you described. I start to realize that I have no respect for them anymore. I think this has something to do with the feeling of being taken for granted and a need to form a valuable relationship. When the other person shows you that to them you have no value it's hard to find value in that relationship.
 

SilkRoad

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I think it's more an INFJ or ENFJ thing than just an NF thing, by the way. I mean, not in every case but overall. My experiences with xNFPs IRL suggest that in general they may take offense more easily but are also more inclined to forgive sooner or later. I don't take offense easily, but when it really happens, it's really serious and quite possibly irreversible.

But I'm not sure - that may have been the xNFPs I've known, the ones here would have to comment for themselves, of course!
 

cafe

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It's kind of like doorslamming for me. I don't so much lose empathy as much as I simply refuse to continue watching. If I see it I will almost certainly feel empathy regardless of all the reasons why I should not attempt to assist and it will torment me. So I close the door so I don't have to see it anymore. Me feeling bad at that point isn't helping the other person and it isn't doing me any good either.
 

HongDou

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3. When the person is not considering the feelings of other people around them.
4. When I feel that person has been given every possible resource to succeed and chose not to take advantage of them.
5. When that person is being ignorant.
8.When that person has wronged someone close to me.

I agree with these! Here's my own list (excluding the ones you already listed):

1. When the person has an inflated ego.
2. When the person cannot see another's point of view (kind of goes with ignorance).
3. When the person throws himself/herself a "pity party".
4. When the person just outright rejects what I have to say/what others have to say.
5. When the person forces their opinions and beliefs onto others.
6. When the person refuses to accept changes to a plan/idea.
7. When the person enters a relationship and claims that the two of them are in love two days later...

I lose empathy for these people. :D Not all the time, though. It depends on the degree that they violated my list of pet peeves.

My experiences with xNFPs IRL suggest that in general they may take offense more easily but are also more inclined to forgive sooner or later.

This is accurate for me. O: I get emotionally insulted often but then I shrug it off later most of the time!
 

iNtrovert

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Judging from responses I'd say this might just be an infj thing lol....I feel like door slamming is my 1st step in losing empathy. As time goes on I become emotionally closed off but while in door slamming mode I defiantly will allow myself to care. Almost like if the issue is not resolved in the door slamming phase and gets escalated I loose emotional attachment. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's hard for me to get past it and repair that relationship. It's really interesting to hear it put that way though. That really reignites with me. "Door Slamming" yep I do that lol I guess the main difference Is the degree to which other NF's allow it to affect them. Maybe InfJ's are more unforgiving in the long run.
 
A

Anew Leaf

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*prays to the NF gods that this thread doesn't descend into the depths of the Mariana Trench and reemerge as the mighty Kraken of Doorslamming*

In regards to the list in the OP, I sort of think that these are things anyone would lose their empathy over. Maybe for certain types it is more tied to the lengths to which they will go to keep their empathy.
 

SilkRoad

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*prays to the NF gods that this thread doesn't descend into the depths of the Mariana Trench and reemerge as the mighty Kraken of Doorslamming*

It probably will, but so far it's not too bad. ;) :laugh:
 
G

Glycerine

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basically being an asshole AND trying to screw others over or just being plain stupid (repeatedly making willful choices to put themselves in a tough spot). Other than that, I usually have at least a little empathy for most people (even still, I do have empathy for some assholes... oh dear).
 

1487610420

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I'm not NF, but for me realizing I've been lied to/manipulated, or that someone is trying to, causes complete emotional detachment. :dry: :thumbdown::nono:
 

iNtrovert

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*prays to the NF gods that this thread doesn't descend into the depths of the Mariana Trench and reemerge as the mighty Kraken of Doorslamming*

In regards to the list in the OP, I sort of think that these are things anyone would lose their empathy over. Maybe for certain types it is more tied to the lengths to which they will go to keep their empathy.

yea I could see that. Certain types threshold and tolerance for generally unacceptable behavior could change their view of justifiable empathy or empathy as a whole. It might even come down to the weight of forming interpersonal relationships vs the weight of self importance. I mean self importance in the sense that if a person is more inclined to see the world from deeply rooted personal values what would their threshold or tolerance be for an individual who violates what they hold as personal morals continuously? That ideal pitted against how much they value their relationships with others and how deeply those morals are felt or how attached a person is to them could be the determinant as well.
 
G

garbage

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When the other person won't take a shred of personal responsibility for their situation.

Simply being receptive to information from the outside world is enough.
 

Il Morto Che Parla

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I think it's more an INFJ or ENFJ thing than just an NF thing, by the way. I mean, not in every case but overall. My experiences with xNFPs IRL suggest that in general they may take offense more easily but are also more inclined to forgive sooner or later. I don't take offense easily, but when it really happens, it's really serious and quite possibly irreversible.

Yes I have two confirmed INFJ's in my family (big family), and they stay angry for a while if you upset them.

though I wouldn't say they don't take offence easily, just that their boundaries are predictable, so if you know them, it's "easy not to offend them". But I know I could easily offend them just by disrespecting a particular principle of theirs.

NFP's are more unpredictable, more "feeling of the moment"...more explosive but they don't "doorslam" you.
 

greenfairy

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Yes to nearly all of the above (in the opening post). For me it's more of a sudden thing; I'll get angry with someone and completely not care about their feelings anymore. I'll still empathize, but not sympathize. And I don't feel bad about it because it's what they deserve. I'm a very accommodating person and if someone pushes me that far it's their problem.
 

Wolfie

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1. When I'm not being listened to.
2. when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
3. When the person is not considering the feelings of other people around them.
4. When I feel that person has been given every possible resource to succeed and chose not to take advantage of them.
5. When that person is being ignorant.
6.When I lose respect for someone.
7.When I have been personally wronged.
8.When that person has wronged someone close to me.

Pretty much exactly the same for me. I would add: When someone is unwilling to help themselves.
 

kiddykat

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I've always thought the opposite of empathy is apathy, not caring or understanding from another's view point.

I find as much as I dislike someone, I can't help but to make decisions I feel are fair and equal in the most trying times (i.e., helping out a racist when you know they've mistreated your loved ones, but you still help them out just cus you can understand from their lens what kind of upbringing they've been brought up with).

In a sense, I don't want to stoop to a level of ignorance that makes me just as bad as the person I judge because of the way I'm mistreated. Believe me, I can get pretty pissed off and really dislike someone, but you can't let that person make you become less of yourself, because then you're also allowing them to change who you are.

Compassion fatigue happens. Best to keep in check before it starts to destroy or jade who you truly are inside- which is most likely happy and free when you're listening more to your heart and not clamming up with pent up guilt or remorse. Judging your enemy and behaving on it makes you slowly become those you vehemently dislike?
 

Aquarelle

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When the other person won't take a shred of personal responsibility for their situation.

3. When the person is not considering the feelings of other people around them.
4. When I feel that person has been given every possible resource to succeed and chose not to take advantage of them.
5. When that person is being ignorant.

I agree with these! Here's my own list (excluding the ones you already listed):

2. When the person cannot see another's point of view (kind of goes with ignorance).
4. When the person just outright rejects what I have to say/what others have to say.
5. When the person forces their opinions and beliefs onto others.
6. When the person refuses to accept changes to a plan/idea.

Yup.

I would add, when the person refuses to try to see the big picture.
When the person seems to think everyone around them is out to get them and won't consider any benign motivation on the part of others.
 

kyuuei

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The list is pretty standard.. if you cannot respect something going on in their lives, it is very hard to empathize with them.

My classic example: One of my recent dates had mentioned when we first met that his wife had cheated on him while he was deployed. Fast forward after his divorce and our few dates over the course of a month, and he messages me saying he cannot really date me because we live too far away (3 hours drive). The first thing I thought in my head was, "How can you expect that woman you married and set a standard for to comply with a completely different standard that you cannot even uphold yourself?" I found it impossible to empathize for his sorry ass having to pay for a divorce after that, even though the two situations were remarkably unrelated.. it was emotional, not really logical, and I appreciated him being honest with me instead of wasting my time, but the thought was triggered nonetheless.

:shrug: It really is a self preservation sort of thing. I can't empathize with everyone--so I set some quasi standard on it all. I want to be really caring, and considerate, but the reality is I'm not nearly as empathetic as I feel like I ought to be. There really are very few people that have my unconditional love despite how pathetically fast I can become loyal to people.

The biggest thing, though, that degrades my empathy for a person though is whining. Continuous whining wears on my gears faster than any other condition--and even if the whining is valid, the negative tones and the focus on the negative aspects of things just turns me off of the person so much I don't even want to interact with them.

My classic example of that: My friend, whom I was much closer to when I first met him than I am currently, I was always really hyper to see him. I'd hug him, tell him he's amazing, and I think a part of that was how different he was which peaked my curiosity. He doesn't get a lot of interaction with females, being a stereotypical doormat-geek and all. While he got drunk one time, while we were piled up into a taxi with a lot of other people, he had attempted to grab my boob. I punched him, my typical reaction to that sort of thing, and called it even, but in my head I immediately thought, "Oh shit! I'd no idea he was attracted to me.. I think I was giving him wrong signals instead of brotherly affection. :( " He was really upset about it, and apologized immediately upon coherence, and I accepted. Naturally, though, I adjusted my behavior to accommodate that, an easy fix. But then he started to WHINE ABOUT IT. "Do you even like me? You used to tell me I was amazing.. now you pick on me with the other guys." He started to notice how much like another dude I really acted towards him when I took out the girly sisterly elements, and COMPLAINED about it.
Finally, I told the guy why I adjusted my behavior, and he understood, but I really stopped being empathetic towards his lack of date/girlfriend after that. Why would I want to date someone so damn whiny every time a condition or behavior changed? How annoying.. The two situations, again, have really nothing to do with each other, but the connection was made sooo easily.
 
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