[INFP] Your valued input on my INFP requested!

[girlinthePNW]

Firstly, let me tell you all thanks for the information. This board has helped me understand my guy so much better.

I met a guy online in early September. We've gone out nine times since, and he's wonderful and smart, funny, and we get along so so well (INFJ). He met my sister and my BIL, and is so thoughtful when we are together. He shows he cares through actions and now that I get that, I better understand. The physical part is growing as well and even a more verbalizing. The growth is there!

We both travel a bit for our jobs and sometimes that can put some time between dates. The last few dates I felt like I was initiating and making plans. When we were together he was attentive, fun, and growing in affection, so I knew he wants to be with me. He told me he hates planning where we go to dinner and I praised him sharing that, and appreciate the more I can know.

I last saw him a week ago when he met my sis and BIL at my house to watch football. I realize this was a big gesture on his side and thanked him. I let him know when I was traveling for the holiday, and that I had to leave for work travel a few days after being back- in the hope that he'd make a plan a week out. No dice. So I ask him the next day to call me and briefly (and lightly) tell him I need him to take the reins back on planning and when he's gone for a few days (3-4 days can easily go by with no contact), I worry if he's alive/or crawling under his desk (we work for the same company, but we employee 6K people), or if he doesn't see me, no big deal. He says, good to know, he can do that, and that he didn't mean his action to be interpreted by me as a lack of caring, and at times he's barely surviving at work. I kept it simple, to the point, and funny.

So I text him on Wed (pre Thanksgiving) with a joke..keeping it light, we go back and forth a bit on Thanksgiving. Then nothing initiated by him. I had something for him, so I dropped it at his office, and then get a text saying "thanks for the stuff etc... how was the rest of vacation?" We've gone back and forth for a few days, apparently he was sick during my short duration back in town so I get that he's starting to digest/value my request... but I want a plan in place. I miss him! I'm back tomorrow in town and last heard from him Friday. That's fine but I'd like to see him before the weekend. I had a few days to see him between Thanksgiving and Travel but he was sick- which I found out not by his initiation. He has stepped up texting since our "chat" and I am trying to share my feelings and needs more and he responds postively but he's not the best with words via text.

I really like this guy, and truly feel like we have a strong chance to have a solid future but I'm not understanding the lack of planning. I love spending time together and respect and value his personality. I get he shows he cares by actions but when I can't see him for two weeks, it's hard to "feel" the actions, and I worry my initation may mean he doesn't care but his actions say much more that he very much does. I am back in town and would love a plan from him, how would you proceed? I know he's wonderful and cares and I repsect his way of showing it but I want to get excited to see him soon!

Any tips, advice, or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Girl in the PNW

 

[Lady_X]

I don't understand the problem. Why this need to have him make the plan? Just tell him you want to see him before the weekend.

 

[xenaprincess]

How about instead of an open-ended plan, provide him three choices, all which you wouldn't mind doing. Then he chooses one.

Maybe coming up with a plan is too overwhelming to him now. Having him choose one thing might be better, like....seeing a movie, cooking together or having drinks out. Then maybe you 'plan' it together, ie banter back and forth discuss on the phone about it together.

If someone is 'barely surviving at work', I doubt he can put time aside to plan an outing, no? Seriously, when I'm barely surviving at work, I need my SO to understand my point of view, that is, I'm at wit's end, I'm exhausted, I need time for myself. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

 

[Lady_X]

It sorta sounds like you wanna understand why he's not a planner but then want him to be a planner anyway.

 

[girlinthePNW]

I think for me, if I make the plans, I wonder why he didn't/why doesn't he care enough to try etc...

Yes he is swamped with work but seems to have been for a few weeks. He works much longer and harder than I, and I respect that. Plus I only got told that after I mentioned my taking the lead. I'm happy to compromise and he's worth growing my patience level but I'd like a sign that I'd give to somebody I care ( planning something cool, little gift, card, compliment etc)

 

[girlinthePNW]

It sorta sounds like you wanna understand why he's not a planner but then want him to be a planner anyway.

I think that's a very fair point. When we first dated he "had" to plan, but I took over/initiatied soon after. I can work to be more understanding of that but I want/need just one big sign in my love language. It'd me a lot to me.

 

[sorenx7]

I find myself totally agreeing with all of Lady X's comments. I might also add that being a planner is usually not something I think about when I think of INFP's.

 

[tkae.]

Lol INFP making plans.

That's your first mistake. For example, I have a shit ton of schoolwork I need done by Wednesday. So I set up a plan this weekend: write down everything I have to do, and do it. So I wrote it down, stared at it for five minutes, and put it aside to deal with it when I could decide which to start with.

Tuesday morning and I'm only now taking a bite out of it.

Our style of planning is more like a Dadaist performance art. Here's some visual aids of what it would look like if we ever planned a jail break:

If you expect an INFP to be a competent planner, you're gonna have a bad time. That's your xNFJ tendency being imposed onto him, and if it's an issue you think will be a sticking point in your relationship, you need to understand that it's very likely not going to change. It's ingrained in the way we see the world.

As far as a sign goes... you said he's the one who's initiating the texting more, right? That's your sign. Not in the xSTx sense of "I'm here, aren't?" but in the sense that INFPs are hypersensitive when it comes to the pace a relationship advances at. The primary advice I give to people about relationships with INFPs is to let US set the pace. Even the smallest of nudges you give the relationship are potential disasters. We clam up fast, and getting us to open up is painful for everyone involved. You have to let us open up as we're comfortable, moving at our own speed. My ideal relationship would take five years to develop into something serious.

So if he's moving things along, that's a great sign. If he's texting you at all, that's a great sign. Most INFPs go into radio silence when something is bothering us, and you just need to be really conscious not to let him overextend what he's comfortable with and set himself up for things being awkward, which I've done before. I made an in-the-moment decision to move things along, then regretted it immediately and things burned out not long after.

As long as you're willing to be patient while he adjusts to everything, and as long as he's communicating with you in reasonable (or even semi-reasonable, since we're the derpiest space cadets in all of Derpyland) amounts of time, then don't worry

 

[Lady_X]

I think that's a very fair point. When we first dated he "had" to plan, but I took over/initiatied soon after. I can work to be more understanding of that but I want/need just one big sign in my love language. It'd me a lot to me.

Just stop and think for a moment... Don't judge his actions by what they would mean if you were doing them... But what it means that he is...

He is initiating communication... He hasn't blown you off yet

He'll always disappoint you if you keep expecting him to be something he's not.

You plan... But just not too much... Allow him personal down time too

And your sign will be that he almost always says yes.

 

[girlinthePNW]

Lol INFP making plans.

That's your first mistake. For example, I have a shit ton of schoolwork I need done by Wednesday. So I set up a plan this weekend: write down everything I have to do, and do it. So I wrote it down, stared at it for five minutes, and put it aside to deal with it when I could decide which to start with.

Tuesday morning and I'm only now taking a bite out of it.

Our style of planning is more like a Dadaist performance art. Here's some visual aids of what it would look like if we ever planned a jail break:

View attachment 8559
View attachment 8560
View attachment 8561

If you expect an INFP to be a competent planner, you're gonna have a bad time. That's your xNFJ tendency being imposed onto him, and if it's an issue you think will be a sticking point in your relationship, you need to understand that it's very likely not going to change. It's ingrained in the way we see the world.

As far as a sign goes... you said he's the one who's initiating the texting more, right? That's your sign. Not in the xSTx sense of "I'm here, aren't?" but in the sense that INFPs are hypersensitive when it comes to the pace a relationship advances at. The primary advice I give to people about relationships with INFPs is to let US set the pace. Even the smallest of nudges you give the relationship are potential disasters. We clam up fast, and getting us to open up is painful for everyone involved. You have to let us open up as we're comfortable, moving at our own speed. My ideal relationship would take five years to develop into something serious.

So if he's moving things along, that's a great sign. If he's texting you at all, that's a great sign. Most INFPs go into radio silence when something is bothering us, and you just need to be really conscious not to let him overextend what he's comfortable with and set himself up for things being awkward, which I've done before. I made an in-the-moment decision to move things along, then regretted it immediately and things burned out not long after.

As long as you're willing to be patient while he adjusts to everything, and as long as he's communicating with you in reasonable (or even semi-reasonable, since we're the derpiest space cadets in all of Derpyland) amounts of time, then don't worry

Thank you for your thoughts. It makes sense... I would appreciate more clarity in "nudging". I want more physical affection (not in public), do I reach out and try to cuddle? Do I tell him I appreciate that he's been texting more? Are the occasional term of endearment ok? I'm trying to share more of my thoughts about me to grow my vulnerability as I think he really appreciates that ( texted requesting a hug yesterday, he wanted to know what was wrong, I told him, he wrote back he's so sorry, hope all is ok, work is kicking everyone's ass). After I chatted with him about lacking planning, he didn't reach out, so I sent him a joke and then we were back on the up and up. If he can't make date, he always makes a suggestion for another day/time.

Yes he has texted more, this week we went back and forth almost everyday- initiated by me leaving him a small gift.

I am patient as long as there is progress.

 

[girlinthePNW]

An update:

We had a great long chat yesterday, and we are going slow it down for a few weeks and re-evaluate. He felt like I had expectations that he couldnt' meet yet and we need to get to know each other better. We will continue to see each other and get to know each other better to see where to go. It's a unique situation for me, but I open to it because this may be the point to set us up for long term success. It was very honest, and I was very caring and appreciative of him being him ( he was like " I move very very slow"), and his uniqueness. I think in a few days, he'll even realize more how rare of a person I am (in the best way!), to support us trying this.