[ENFJ] I feel the NEED to help others

[georgie777]

I'm an ENFP and a lot of the time I get particularly attached to new people that I meet, I've read that it's quite common the ENFP's become Intrigued by new friends but does anyone else get this feeling that they love this friend so much and not only want to help them all the time but actually feel like you NEED to? I'm also quite often attracted to making friends with emotionally damaged or unavailable people so that I can help them, is this part of my personality or am I likely to have deeper issues? Does anyone else experience anything similar? any other related thoughts and feelings are welcome

 

[Betty Blue]

Sounds like you could be enneagram 2

 

[georgie777]

thanks! I just did a test and it seems that you're right, I've never really looked into enneagram but this has been really helpful

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

It's wonderful to have people in the world who are motivated to help. You asked if you have deeper issues, and one way to explore that is to ask yourself if there is something inside you that needs help, or if there is someone significant to you that needs help, but you cannot help them. Those are the two main avenues that can cause people to need to fix others because it is a type of transference of the issues in the person they love whom they cannot help, or a projection of their own need for help. A person with that issue is still beautiful and kind to be trying to help anyone, but for their own sake it is important to either let go of what they cannot control, or take the time to regain a personal sense of balance.

When I was younger I would help people not be lonely as a way of coping with my own loneliness and in the end it did help me, even though I was using a deeper issue as motivation. It is important to be honest with oneself about what is going on, though.

 

[skylights]

What Helen said, e2.

I often have a deep feeling of wanting to see others happy and "whole", friend or not. It generally makes me unsettled to see other people unhappy, so it's pleasing to me to help them. But I don't really get the same feeling about friends or a feeling of need.

 

[PeaceBaby]

It's wonderful to have people in the world who are motivated to help. You asked if you have deeper issues, and one way to explore that is to ask yourself if there is something inside you that needs help, or if there is someone significant to you that needs help, but you cannot help them. Those are the two main avenues that can cause people to need to fix others because it is a type of transference of the issues in the person they love whom they cannot help, or a projection of their own need for help. A person with that issue is still beautiful and kind to be trying to help anyone, but for their own sake it is important to either let go of what they cannot control, or take the time to regain a personal sense of balance.

When I was younger I would help people not be lonely as a way of coping with my own loneliness and in the end it did help me, even though I was using a deeper issue as motivation. It is important to be honest with oneself about what is going on, though.

An excellent post.

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[MENTION=16909]georgie777[/MENTION] - as an e2, you might measure the worth of your relationship transactions by what you get back. Do you "keep score", is that kind of second-nature to you? That's a spot you could examine in your need to help too ...

 

[georgie777]

It's wonderful to have people in the world who are motivated to help. You asked if you have deeper issues, and one way to explore that is to ask yourself if there is something inside you that needs help, or if there is someone significant to you that needs help, but you cannot help them. Those are the two main avenues that can cause people to need to fix others because it is a type of transference of the issues in the person they love whom they cannot help, or a projection of their own need for help. A person with that issue is still beautiful and kind to be trying to help anyone, but for their own sake it is important to either let go of what they cannot control, or take the time to regain a personal sense of balance.

When I was younger I would help people not be lonely as a way of coping with my own loneliness and in the end it did help me, even though I was using a deeper issue as motivation. It is important to be honest with oneself about what is going on, though.

This is really helpful, I've never really thought about it like this. I made a new friend a few months ago and now she's one of my closest, I found out that she has depression and is suicidal and although we talk it through and I help in small ways, it really bothers and hurts me that I cannot take away her pain and self loathing. I had issues of needing to help people before she came along but perhaps this has worsened my need as I really struggle with her. Its often just one or two people that i really need to help with everyone else I can survive without helping.

 

[georgie777]

I never really keep score but I do enjoy getting something back, It is very particular I only feel like I need to help some people, I just develop this kind of attachment to them, its not so much just a general need to help, but an absolutely heart aching need to help that one person. The person I am currently attached to is suicidal she's getting professional help but and has all this pain in her life. It hurts so much that I can't help or even relate, sometimes it even physically makes me feel sick. Its definitely getting worse and I know I should step back and lessen my involvement but I cant, I need to help her. Any ideas on what i should do?

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I never really keep score but I do enjoy getting something back, It is very particular I only feel like I need to help some people, I just develop this kind of attachment to them, its not so much just a general need to help, but an absolutely heart aching need to help that one person. The person I am currently attached to is suicidal she's getting professional help but and has all this pain in her life. It hurts so much that I can't help or even relate, sometimes it even physically makes me feel sick. Its definitely getting worse and I know I should step back and lessen my involvement but I cant, I need to help her. Any ideas on what i should do?

I really feel for you, georgie777. I had a family member in college with this struggle, and I spent hours listening without being able to help, and the constant anxiety it produces from the fear they will go through with suicide is heart-wrenching. Much anxiety is the result of feeling responsible for what we cannot control, and this sort of issue produces tons of anxiety. You definitely need advice from professionals, and you may even want to look into going to a professional counselor yourself to deal with your own struggle. The counselor can also set you up with resources for your friend, so you can have a more structured plan of what to do. When I tried to help I was ignorant of professional helpers, and so was just winging it. I have found that if I can know that I have done everything reasonable within my own power, that it is the limit of what I can control, and then I work on letting go of what I cannot control. Also know that you are a good person even if you fail to help.

It is a lifelong, painful lesson to let go of what we cannot control and to see people we care about suffer. My family member married someone who is very dysfunctional and emotionally harmful to him, and so the pain continues. Creating the boundary of where we can no longer help also has to do with respect for that person's choices. It is never easy, and I hope you can find ways to achieve peace throughout your struggles.

 

[Elfboy]

Sounds like you could be enneagram 2

^this