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[INFP] INFP - Introverts - Center of attention

AidanStokes

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Jan 15, 2012
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9
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INFP
Hey, I don't post much on this forum but I have question.

Can an INFP become comfortable being centre of attention?

My trouble is I am often assumed to be extroverted by new people and anyone who doesn't know me very well XD. I don't even think I look extroverted. I have big eyes and generally look innocent and young (I'm 20 but look about 17 which isn't that much younger I know)
I'm so often put on the spot to make a decision or give input often when in groups and I am very uncomfortable in these situations.

I'm just extremely uncomfortable being centre of attention and would love to learn how to beat this fear.

This happens even when it makes no sense. For example: I sometimes go out clubbing with friends who live in a different town to me. I don't go to this town often and don't know the area very well, but, the group will still ask me where we should go or what we should do. My response is usually to point out how I have no idea about the area and can't possibly know how to answer.
They'll also look to me to decide whether the group is getting drinks (not for me to pay but whether or not we even go to the bar to get drinks).

Another example is, in group situations in college, people will ALWAYS look to me to guide the group at first, until I make it clear that I don't want that responsibility, and even then they will ask my opinion on things constantly.


I'm not actually bad at making decisions when I have to but I don't want to be the leader and have the attention all on me at once.
I would love to not be so fearful of those situations if it's something I can overcome but I need to know how to beat it.



Do any other introverts find this happens to them like 80% of them or more?
Have any introverts become comfortable being centre of attention? if yes then how?
 

Pseudo

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Jul 2, 2012
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so/sx
Is it that they want you to lead or that they want to see if you'll go along? INFPs have a reputation for being a little moody. I have friend who we always run stuff by but it's so so he'll lead us it's more so we can gauge how difficult he is going to be about certain things.
 

AidanStokes

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Jan 15, 2012
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INFP
It could be to see if I'll go along, but it wouldn't be due to moodiness or anything because I'm never/rarely moody in front of my friends or towards them.
I'm so easy going and will genuinely go anywhere they want to go even if I'd prefer to go somewhere else. I generally don't care strongly enough to make it something that I'll argue my point for.

I'm always smiley and friendly even to strangers although I'm usually self conscious when talking to strangers.

In fact, now I think about it, the reason I'm so uncomfortable being centre of attention is because I'm self conscious.

Is it possible/easy to overcome self consciousness in anyone's experience??
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
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Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
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yupp
I love attention, and INFP I'm a puddle puppy when it comes to attention. although too much make me uncomfortable.
 

Chickadee

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Oct 13, 2012
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INFP
I also enjoy being the center of attention for a limited period of time. I can handle extended periods, but it kind of drains me. I think you have to let go of those negative feelings and trying to guess what people are thinking of you. Instead, imagine one of the people in the crowd is in your place and think of what you would think of their decisions - you would probably be very open/forgiving of any silly mistakes. Then realize, no one is criticizing you to the extent that you are criticizing yourself. :) Just lead, make a mistake, and laugh about it later :) That's how I do it anyway, and I usually make the people I am around much more comfortable if I come out of my shell a bit and "wing it". The idea of making others comfortable trumps my own insecurities.
 

xenaprincess

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sp/sx
I don't mind being the center of attention among friends for short periods. I can be a little goofball with them and with complete strangers. I can mingle really well too, when in the right mood. I'm feel rather detached when it happens.

I'm a leader in my building but I can't stand meeting with people to do it. I'm more a behind-the-scenes leader, more neurotically following up via email or creating running lists than leading a meeting. haha.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
I am comfortable being the center of attention in small groups of people that I know well. And then, it's usually only when I am thrust into a leadership role such as hostess of an event.

I sort of prefer being the catalyst for activities that other people can do, and then I can slip to the side to watch. When I am in charge of things, I feel responsible for the well-being of everyone involved. This puts a lot of pressure on me because I want to ascertain that everyone is having a good time, that they are comfortable, and that their needs are being met. I can handle such things in smaller groups, but once the group explodes to over 10, I get overwhelmed.
 

lenoirvrai

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Oct 8, 2012
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INFP
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4w5
I am the most introverted person I know (91% introversion), yet I do not mind being the center of attention, depending on the situation. When I am with friends, I am the one in the center of the room, sharing a story in vivid detail and wild gestures. I love to tell stories and I love to make people laugh. At work, I am extremely outgoing and have been noted to be the friendliest employee at many of my jobs in the past. I am a true people person.

I am a natural leader, as well. I enjoy taking charge and being the one to make things happen. It comes easily to me. I believe the reason I enjoy this so much is because one of my deepest desires is to serve/help people, and if I can take charge and make something happen for them, then I will.

People confuse being outgoing and a leader with extraversion. Introverts can be outgoing, sociable, resourceful leaders. I just need a lot of time to myself to recharge afterwards... a lot of time. As well, I know some extraverts who are very withdrawn and shy, but they need to be around people to energize them. They just lack the self-confidence to be themselves and come out of their shell.
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
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4,602
I am an introvert, but I actually like being the center of attention (unless it is for something embarrassing). Although for the most part I hate being the decision-maker of the group. I think that being uncomfortable with being the center of attention is more so an issue with confidence than anything else.

I am a natural leader, as well. I enjoy taking charge and being the one to make things happen. It comes easily to me. I believe the reason I enjoy this so much is because one of my deepest desires is to serve/help people, and if I can take charge and make something happen for them, then I will.
This is a very interesting thing for an INFP to say. It sounds more like Fe + something else.

People confuse being outgoing and a leader with extraversion. Introverts can be outgoing, sociable, resourceful leaders. I just need a lot of time to myself to recharge afterwards... a lot of time. As well, I know some extraverts who are very withdrawn and shy, but they need to be around people to energize them. They just lack the self-confidence to be themselves and come out of their shell.
I think the biggest difference between introversion and extraversion is energy output. Extraverts have a very high energy output and introverts have a very low energy output. Of course, this could be wrong...hence why I used the words "I think."
 

lenoirvrai

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This is a very interesting thing for an INFP to say. It sounds more like Fe + something else.

I think the reason I am so comfortable in leadership positions is because I grew up an only child and had to help take care of my mother since I was five years old. As I got older, she became more ill, and more responsibility fell on my shoulders, nevermind going to school and joining the civic theatre and orchestra and whatnot. I had to be a leader. Actually, Fi is my strongest function.

Also, I'm a Disney geek, too! :) My girlfriend and I first met due to our love of Disney, actually. Haha. We were going to go to Disney next week (I'm giving her a commitment ring for her birthday, had a dinner with Lady Tramaine reserved and was going to give her the ring during the fireworks after dinner), but she has to work... despite asking for it off a year ago. Oh well, Olive Garden and a nice hotel will suffice. Anyway... DISNEY ROCKS! 8D
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
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Messages
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I think the reason I am so comfortable in leadership positions is because I grew up an only child and had to help take care of my mother since I was five years old. As I got older, she became more ill, and more responsibility fell on my shoulders, nevermind going to school and joining the civic theatre and orchestra and whatnot. I had to be a leader. Actually, Fi is my strongest function.
Oh sorry! I wasn't being clear. I meant that your "desire to serve/help people" sounds more Fe than Fi.

Also, I'm a Disney geek, too! :) My girlfriend and I first met due to our love of Disney, actually. Haha. We were going to go to Disney next week (I'm giving her a commitment ring for her birthday, had a dinner with Lady Tramaine reserved and was going to give her the ring during the fireworks after dinner), but she has to work... despite asking for it off a year ago. Oh well, Olive Garden and a nice hotel will suffice. Anyway... DISNEY ROCKS! 8D
Ehh well there's always another time. Disney does rock, though. :cool:
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
Joined
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Messages
4,602
I think the reason I am so comfortable in leadership positions is because I grew up an only child and had to help take care of my mother since I was five years old. As I got older, she became more ill, and more responsibility fell on my shoulders, nevermind going to school and joining the civic theatre and orchestra and whatnot. I had to be a leader. Actually, Fi is my strongest function.
Oh sorry! I wasn't being clear. I meant that your "desire to serve/help people" sounds more Fe than Fi.

Also, I'm a Disney geek, too! :) My girlfriend and I first met due to our love of Disney, actually. Haha. We were going to go to Disney next week (I'm giving her a commitment ring for her birthday, had a dinner with Lady Tramaine reserved and was going to give her the ring during the fireworks after dinner), but she has to work... despite asking for it off a year ago. Oh well, Olive Garden and a nice hotel will suffice. Anyway... DISNEY ROCKS! 8D
Ehh well there's always another time. Disney does rock, though. :cool:
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
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Jun 5, 2009
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xNFP
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3w4
People become shy around certain people or in certain situations. They can also become quite gregarious around certain people and certain situations. Basically yes. Don't let the MBTI black and white your mind about behaviors.
 

lenoirvrai

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Oh sorry! I wasn't being clear. I meant that your "desire to serve/help people" sounds more Fe than Fi.

Also, one of the traits of INFPs is that we do love to serve/help people. We make great counselors and caretakers because of it.
 

OrangeAppled

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When I was younger I was "made leader" a lot and I didn't know why either. I was/am also asked my input a lot, similar to what the OP described.

It is NOT because I am difficult. In everyday situations, I care little about most decisions, so I'm pretty easy-going & happy to do whatever. I don't complain about the little things.

So I realized it came down to this:

- I'm very quiet, but other people readily volunteer their opinions/preferences. People will ask me for input as a way to know how I feel since I won't volunteer it when everyone else does. I think they're just looking out for the quiet person, so that you feel included & not steamrolled.

- I can be a bit of a know-it-all, and so people think maybe I do know-it-all :D. Part of that is the reason detailed below; I find it easy to speculate & form conjectures that turn out to be right/good.

- I have a lot of ideas, and sometimes I do speak up & offer them, just to throw options out there & get the ball rolling. When a group doesn't know what to do & you're the first person to speak up with an idea, then all of a sudden you're looked at as the leader. When I was a kid in school I always wondered how I became the (often unofficial) leader on projects; it's because I always had the ideas.

-I'm restless to get things going, so sometimes I get impatient & do take the lead. What I most often do is force someone else to make a decisions, instead of deciding for everyone though.

I've stopped doing a lot of this, or not so much, because I don't like leading. I've gotten better at leading people to an idea, so that they still lead but things get going.

As for being the center of attention, I used to find it very embarrassing, yet I would also hate feeling invisible all the time. A part of me wanted to be singled out & another part of me wanted to blend into the walls. I'm more comfortable with the attention now, although I can still feel a tad embarrassed. I can't say it's a position I like to be in often either, and yes, context makes all the difference. I've also realized I actually wanted/want to be singled out by individuals, to be the focus for another person, not the center of a group.
 

Southern Kross

Away with the fairies
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so/sp
I wouldn't say people ask for my input a great deal - usually it's only people that are rather close to me, because they value my opinion more. Others tend to overlook me or simply take control themselves. So I wouldn't say I naturally tend to end up the leader.

- I can be a bit of a know-it-all, and so people think maybe I do know-it-all :D. Part of that is the reason detailed below; I find it easy to speculate & form conjectures that turn out to be right/good.

- I have a lot of ideas, and sometimes I do speak up & offer them, just to throw options out there & get the ball rolling. When a group doesn't know what to do & you're the first person to speak up with an idea, then all of a sudden you're looked at as the leader. When I was a kid in school I always wondered how I became the (often unofficial) leader on projects; it's because I always had the ideas.

-I'm restless to get things going, so sometimes I get impatient & do take the lead. What I most often do is force someone else to make a decisions, instead of deciding for everyone though.
These. I very much identify. :yes:

I would personally add:

- People are suggesting stupid/unrealistic/counter-productive ideas, until I can't frickin' take it any more and I start to turn into an e1. :D Sometimes being the only vaguely responsible one with workable ideas can be enough to make you the leader.

I'm mostly more than willing to be an 'indian'. I don't need to be the boss and to make all the decisions to be happy; actually I find it pretty stressful to have to do that. And like you said OA, I mostly don't care about small details enough to intervene and will gladly go with the flow. I do need to know that there is someone competent in control, because it drives me crazy if I'm instructed to do something I think is nonsensical.

The main thing that changes me into leader mode is my know-it-all-ness. Sometimes people can have faith in my decision making just because I seem to know more, or know 'what's best' ("seem" being the operative word. I think I know... :whistling: ), and the appearance of certainty often inspires confidence in others. However, I need to shut the hell up and stop pulling that crap at times. I've realised lately that in certain situations I can become slightly overbearing (eg. pub quizzes :whistling: ). I'm working on it...

BTW now that I think of it, I remember as a kid being the one who thought up grand activities when I was playing with my sister and 5 cousins, because I had good ideas. I used to make up crazy games or elaborate stories/situations to act out that could go on for hours, and whenever we were together they always came to me begging me to organise something. The camellia flower war, in particular, was a work of genius, if I do say so myself. We all still talk about it... :D

As for being the center of attention, I used to find it very embarrassing, yet I would also hate feeling invisible all the time. A part of me wanted to be singled out & another part of me wanted to blend into the walls. I'm more comfortable with the attention now, although I can still feel a tad embarrassed. I can't say it's a position I like to be in often either, and yes, context makes all the difference. I've also realized I actually wanted/want to be singled out by individuals, to be the focus for another person, not the center of a group.
:yes:

I agree with this distinction. I really dislike situations where I'm being looked at too much, but I still want to be included and recognised. I find attention from an individual (or 2) to be more pleasant.

I remember times when I spoke in front of a group of around 5 or more, such as in an Uni lecture or tutorial; immediately after I finished speaking, I would realise that I was slightly shaky, my mouth was bone dry and my heart was almost beating out of my chest. I would then need 15 minutes to calm down and would sit there regretting half of what I said. So yeah, I'm not good at being the centre of attention.
 

JivinJeffJones

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Apr 25, 2007
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I've been in situations where I've been the unofficial leader of groups through no choice of my own. Mostly I think I was seen as the moral compass in situations where rules were clear but whether or not they were worth following was not. Sometimes I think I was the centre of attention for the novelty factor: I rarely made an appearance so when I did it was suddenly a special occasion. Sometimes I was probably just more relaxed in new/unexpected situations, and that made it seem like I knew something they didn't.

I'm not sure my resolution of the discomfort involved is entirely healthy, but for what it's worth here's where I landed. I decided that social situations and indeed most friendships are transitory, and as such not worth changing who you are over. Most of your life will be spent living in your own head. So it's not worth the hours of wondering why you put on such a facade in a situation which was not (ultimately) that important to you anyway. You have to live with yourself first and foremost. It sounds like a horrible INFP cliche, but be true to yourself. Most of the people you'd like to impress now you won't even remember in 10 years, let alone care about. And chances are good that they'll respect you for your lack of affectation. So if they want your opinion give it to them. If they want you to lead them and you don't want to then tell them. If not leading is not an option than lead your way. If you disappoint them a bit, so what? Life's too short to pretend to be something you aren't, and you will have to answer to yourself about it eventually. In solitude, with nobody else to protect you. Every INFP does.

That's social situations. Work situations involve different stakes but probably the same outcome. Eventually.

Don't know if that helps.
 
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