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[MBTI General] Love Languages

Fidelia

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So I've heard the book recommended often and I've skimmed through it a few times. Is it weird that I can't narrow it down to a primary love language? I want it ALL, baby! While I can recognize that no one can be perfect, I try hard to express love in all of those ways and would hope for the same in a relationship. Is that unrealistic? Maybe this is why even on paper I just can't see being satisfied longterm with any particular personality type!
 

Z Buck McFate

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I have trouble narrowing it down too, and I think the biggest problem for me is that it depends on the person more than what I expect myself. I could go either way on just about any of the options. If someone is particularly careful with their words and won't express affection lightly, then it'll mean the world to me if they express affection with words; if someone is more cavalier- even genuine, just more cavalier and expresses things on a whim, then I'm just not going to assign as much weight to it. It's similar with gifts: if someone somehow picks up on the right way to express that they really see me for who I am, then a gift can really enthrall me. But other times gifts just feel like a burden and it's more taxing to get them than not. And acts of service: in the right context and from certain people I can appreciate it to no end (if they happen to understand me enough to know what would actually help me)- but I also have issues with how people can take on a "if you loved me, you'd do _____" attitude (I'm quick to resent it) and I'm averse to throwing that attitude at anyone myself, not to mention the times someone will do something for me that isn't particularly helpful and/or which I didn't ask for yet they feel anger or taken for granted when I don't feel obligated to them for it (some people act as if they get to choose which 'act of service' they perform AND which 'act of service' they should expect.....and any deviation means you 'don't love/appreciate them', GRRRRR).

It's all so dependent on context and/or person to me, and how mindfully it's done. I suppose the biggest common denominator is how much the expression demonstrates they really see me and appreciate who I am, rather than which form the expression takes. I really can't give my own hierarchy of preference. And as far as how I express love myself, it's more like I notice what means the most to others and use what's most effective. [edited] I don't thrive on performing one act or another, the part I thrive on is making someone feel loved. Although I do have personal limits as far as how much quality time and attention I can give to someone. Someone who needs a lot of attention or a lot of expressing (in a mostly quantitative sense) just isn't going to jive well with me. People I can really, really get along with are so far and few between that I'm pretty malleable when it happens.
 

Fidelia

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"I just thrive on making them feel loved"

Yeah, that's kind of it for me. And as far as what I hope to get - I guess it's the sense that the other person loves me too and expresses it in some tangible way.

With the ESTJ, as he tried to detach emotionally, he almost purposefully would not express what he liked about me, didn't spend as much time with me, and wasn't publicly affectionate, even though he had done all of those things liberally in the past. In the first couple of years of our relationship, he would leave little surprises in my mailbox at school (favourite kind of chips or an apple), write funny notes, do practical chores for me, was very affectionate, expressed appreciation, and spent time with me. He was great at picking out gifts that were practical, but also indicated that he knew what I needed and would be pleased to get, as well as reflecting him as a gift giver. At that point in time, we both did a good job of expressing all of the different love languages to each other. I don't think it was just a matter of infatuation either.

It was after we decided that we couldn't make a go of things outside of where we were that that kind of thing started to fall apart, even though he wanted to be together, and at times (or rather schitzophrenically) he still expressed love in those ways (which probably is what kept me in the relationship as long as I did. If I had believed that he just wasn't feeling it anymore, I would have broken up. However, by the end, there was way more bad than good and those times were fewer and further between). I'm just wondering if that was a pretty unique situation and is an unrealistic hope or expectation, as many people have only one or two primary ways in which they prefer to give/receive love.
 

cascadeco

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I think they all have their place and I can definitely appreciate all gestures and the thought behind them.

For me, though, I think it's been the absence of certain ones that made it all the clearer how important they in fact were for me, and the absence actually made me question the entire relationship / the relationship wasn't in the end what I found fulfilling, due to the lack. I think Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch are my definite top 3, but through the absence of two of them in a relationship, and how profoundly that made me question things/feel their absence, I now suspect Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch are my top 2 - if I don't receive either fairly regularly, then I lose that romantic sense of the relationship - the romantic love sense.

Quality Time continues to be really meaningful/important to me, but I find that in the absence of Words and Touch, I can have all the quality time in the world but it then feels more like a friendship. And there's nothing wrong with that... it again just makes me feel unloved/unwanted/undesired in a romantic and emotional/deep-connection sense, and I had to fill in all of the gaps and assume I was loved; it was more an intellectual process rather than my knowing/really feeling it.
 

Z Buck McFate

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And as far as what I hope to get - I guess it's the sense that the other person loves me too and expresses it in some tangible way.

***************

I'm just wondering if that was a pretty unique situation and is an unrealistic hope or expectation, as many people have only one or two primary ways in which they prefer to give/receive love.

Because I try out different things, pay attention and then continue to do what actually makes the person happy- I do sorta expect the same, and I’ve wondered myself if this sorta custom built expression is an unreasonable expectation. I can’t really help it though, to some extent. It seems like someone’s preferences really sorta need to coincide with what makes sense to me- because I can believe someone loves me in an almost dry sense when they do things that don’t actually make me happy (but are clearly doing *something* for me, to express something), I can appreciate them in a sterile way- but they don’t actually make me feel like the person sees me and ultimately too much of it just makes me feel alienated (sorta like what cascadeco wrote). I really don’t know how much of that is a choice. But anyway, I wish there was some 6th option, like ‘an amalgamation of all of them, with an ability to actually notice what works’, because that’s what I’d choose as my primary and it is kinda what I expect. Within those 5, I do have thresholds of what I’m capable of- like ‘acts of service’ without any words at all would probably inevitably be alienating to me- but mostly I go with what I notice is most effective. [Incidentally, I love the little surprises- like chips left in a locker kind of stuff.]
 

WoodsWoman

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:D Just like MBTI, some are much more to the middle of the spectrum - balanced, if you will, while others (like me) fall into a category so clearly there's no question.

As it were, I am evenly split between physical touch and quality time. Someone can give me gifts until the cows come home and it's not going to spawn a romantic glow in my heart. If one or the other of the above are present (preferably both) THEN gifts are welcomed with a romantic sentiment.

I had a couple of men come at me bearing gifts - ick! It was the one who offered to sit and talk about serious stuff with me that has taken me home.:blush:
 

SD45T-2

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So I've heard the book recommended often and I've skimmed through it a few times. Is it weird that I can't narrow it down to a primary love language? I want it ALL, baby! While I can recognize that no one can be perfect, I try hard to express love in all of those ways and would hope for the same in a relationship. Is that unrealistic? Maybe this is why even on paper I just can't see being satisfied longterm with any particular personality type!
These came to mind: http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/The-Missing-Tile-Syndrome.html

http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Is-Serious-Problem-Nature/dp/0060987359
 

Totenkindly

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I never liked the book that much.

The best match I found was "quality time" -- but I can feel very close to some people who I don't even spend much time with. It's more the depth of the connection and how we reverberate with each other; but that is not easily quantified like the five Love Languages (which to me are very tangible expressions of interest/love).
 

21%

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The best match I found was "quality time" -- but I can feel very close to some people who I don't even spend much time with. It's more the depth of the connection and how we reverberate with each other; but that is not easily quantified like the five Love Languages (which to me are very tangible expressions of interest/love).
I agree with this! Funny how I was just thinking about love languages earlier and my conclusion was that there were more ways to express love other than these 'languages'. For me, I've come to realize that I need to talk. I don't care what we talk about. We can have a profound discussion about the meaning of life or we can just talk about random current events or we can talk about totally stupid things like what the celebs are doing. I feel loved as long as he is talking to me and sharing his thoughts and listening to mine. (Same thing with family members, to a slightly lesser degree)

I'm not sure what 'quality time' is supposed to mean. Doing things together? I guess it means different things to different people. Going to the movies is doing something together, but it is not necessarily quality time for me. If we get to talk about it afterwards, then it is. If not, then I will feel lonely even if we were sitting beside each other the whole time.
 

Betty Blue

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So I've heard the book recommended often and I've skimmed through it a few times. Is it weird that I can't narrow it down to a primary love language? I want it ALL, baby! While I can recognize that no one can be perfect, I try hard to express love in all of those ways and would hope for the same in a relationship. Is that unrealistic? Maybe this is why even on paper I just can't see being satisfied longterm with any particular personality type!


I do not find it surprising at all, even if/when you do identify a particular style it's no guarantee that you will find someone with the matching style and even if you do it's no certainty that it will work seamlessly.

Have you never met someone who ticks all the right boxes and theres just no click? Or someone who ticks none of them (or very few) and there are sparks flying everywhere?

I honestly think a lot of it is luck, or compromise, or both. Or any number of unmeasurable components.

Maybe delving deep into it helps, i'm not sure, it's all a learning experience though so worthwhile.

If you really understand what you do want, that has to narrow it down a bit. The majority of my 'wants' have always been intangible to me. There are some basics of course.
 

gromit

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Yeah I don't think it's that crazy at all [MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION]. Like with MBTI it is much more useful when there is some kind of discrepancy between people that is causing some sort of issue, so you can use it as a tool for why one person isn't feeling loved, or why there are communication issues, etc. and to fix it.
 

gromit

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Yeah I don't think it's that crazy at all [MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION]. Like with MBTI it is much more useful when there is some kind of discrepancy between people that is causing some sort of issue, so you can use it as a tool for why one person isn't feeling loved, or why there are communication issues, etc. and to fix it.
 

Lark

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So I've heard the book recommended often and I've skimmed through it a few times. Is it weird that I can't narrow it down to a primary love language? I want it ALL, baby! While I can recognize that no one can be perfect, I try hard to express love in all of those ways and would hope for the same in a relationship. Is that unrealistic? Maybe this is why even on paper I just can't see being satisfied longterm with any particular personality type!

Well I do think that personality type, while people usually exhibit a particular type or have a "favourite", is more flexible than I once thought it.

I dont think that you are being unrealistic, I've read that book and I think that Erich Fromm's Art of Loving is better instead or Falling In Love by Ayala Malach Pines.

I've read a lot on this topic, its one of my favourite topics to think about. Love, purpose and peace.
 

highlander

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Yeah I don't think it's that crazy at all [MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION]. Like with MBTI it is much more useful when there is some kind of discrepancy between people that is causing some sort of issue, so you can use it as a tool for why one person isn't feeling loved, or why there are communication issues, etc. and to fix it.

It is useful, however it's a bit easier said than done. My two top ones are physical touch and words of affirmation. They are extremely natural. In one former relationship, I got very good at giving gifts. That was an easy one to master. Quality time is also important to me, so that's not so hard. Acts of service is far more unnatural and not particularly easy for me to get in the habit of doing. Some can only really express one love language well and all the rest are difficult.
[MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] and [MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION], you're lucky that you are "ambidextrous" like that.
 

Z Buck McFate

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fidelia and Z Buck McFate, you're lucky that you are "ambidextrous" like that.

Yes and no. Because it’s a tendency in people to see others’ reactions as meaning what it would mean if we reacted a certain way ourselves- (and I’m not sure if this is what fid was also getting at or not) it sorta sets me up to interpret other people not being ‘ambidextrous’ as meaning they don’t really care.

And it does have its limitations; I can only pick up on what makes the other person happy inasmuch as its something I can relate to. If someone has a need that I don’t even begin to relate to, then it’s not going to occur to me to try it out. [In retrospect, I think variant instinct differences have created the biggest divides for me in this regard (me being oblivious to social instinct needs).]
 

Fidelia

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Hmm - interesting, @ Z Buck. I went to reply and realized that I needed to think it over more. I do think that in a way that ambidextrousness sets me up for expecting more from other people. Maybe sometimes I even do stuff for people because I'd want that for myself and am excited about how nice it will be for them, and then feel disappointed when it seems to go unnoticed. It's not even that I'm trying to say to the person, "Look how nice I am to you and now you owe me some praise for being thoughtful". It's more along the lines of being frustrated that I obviously missed the mark, yet the other person won't give me better information to work with. A lot of my satisfaction in a relationship comes from knowing that I am an active contributor to it and that what I'm doing is what is useful and needed.

I have discovered the hard way that the Fi people in my life probably feel more awkward or obligated by written words of praise (which I value a lot) and would rather me just bake cookies or something personal/homemadeish without saying anything about them directly. (Might have misinterpreted the why part, but that seems to be the gist of the outcome they'd rather).

Maybe other people just don't need that barometer of how things are between us like I do. I like to know what the other person values about me. I find it really hard not to always be thinking of how I can make the other person feel loved and valued in turn. The downside is that if they do not feel the same compulsion, things start getting weird and uneven and I feel like the clingy one or that I am expecting something from them, even though that's really not why I did the thing in the first place.

Redbone and I had an interesting conversation about the F vs T divide. She was saying that she did not understand someone feeling the need to check the temperature of the relationship all the time and needing feedback to indicate all was well. However for someone like me (maybe it's Ni?), it just helps me incredibly to get some kind of feedback that the other person is happy and feels loved (and in turn also loves me). When that is not given, too many possibilities arise in my mind for why that is and then I have difficulty choosing a course of action. I become much more hoverey than I am by nature (which I'm sure is annoying and makes me despise myself), and they become less demonstrative in response.

Because relationships with people are where a lot of my time and energy goes (and usually it's a small circle of people who are in my inner circle), I guess I'd compare it to checking on how your investments are doing. It's not that you believe the money or stock has vanished, but you'd like to know where to invest more or less or how you can best make it grow. For me, those different love languages are a way of doing that, so when others don't seem to do those things, it feels that they are not very invested, when that may not be the case at all. I guess I'm just trying to calibrate what normal is for most people and also what their expectations are as well.
 

cascadeco

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Maybe other people just don't need that barometer of how things are between us like I do. I like to know what the other person values about me. I find it really hard not to always be thinking of how I can make the other person feel loved and valued in turn. The downside is that if they do not feel the same compulsion, things start getting weird and uneven and I feel like the clingy one or that I am expecting something from them, even though that's really not why I did the thing in the first place.

Redbone and I had an interesting conversation about the F vs T divide. She was saying that she did not understand someone feeling the need to check the temperature of the relationship all the time and needing feedback to indicate all was well. However for someone like me (maybe it's Ni?), it just helps me incredibly to get some kind of feedback that the other person is happy and feels loved (and in turn also loves me). When that is not given, too many possibilities arise in my mind for why that is and then I have difficulty choosing a course of action. I become much more hoverey than I am by nature (which I'm sure is annoying and makes me despise myself), and they become less demonstrative in response.

Because relationships with people are where a lot of my time and energy goes (and usually it's a small circle of people who are in my inner circle), I guess I'd compare it to checking on how your investments are doing. It's not that you believe the money or stock has vanished, but you'd like to know where to invest more or less or how you can best make it grow. For me, those different love languages are a way of doing that, so when others don't seem to do those things, it feels that they are not very invested, when that may not be the case at all. I guess I'm just trying to calibrate what normal is for most people and also what their expectations are as well.

For me, any element of 'checking in' has a lot to do with my not wanting the relationship to enter that stasis/comfort stage that relationships so easily can enter if neither person continues to actively attend to the relationship/ makes sure it never gets to the point where one or both become complacent and start taking each other for granted.

I'm not even sure I can articulate what exactly I do or say when I'm trying to reconnect, because it's not like I just say 'Do you still like me'? lol. It's just every now and then, when I sense things are becoming flat, my trying to spark a convo or initiate an activity or anything like that that can offer an opportunity to rekindle, keep things alive and exciting, bond, whatever. (I can thoroughly understand though if the other person actually would prefer the 'flat' zone and sees no need to actively keep things kicking )
 

Totenkindly

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Maybe other people just don't need that barometer of how things are between us like I do. I like to know what the other person values about me. I find it really hard not to always be thinking of how I can make the other person feel loved and valued in turn. The downside is that if they do not feel the same compulsion, things start getting weird and uneven and I feel like the clingy one or that I am expecting something from them, even though that's really not why I did the thing in the first place.

Redbone and I had an interesting conversation about the F vs T divide. She was saying that she did not understand someone feeling the need to check the temperature of the relationship all the time and needing feedback to indicate all was well. However for someone like me (maybe it's Ni?), it just helps me incredibly to get some kind of feedback that the other person is happy and feels loved (and in turn also loves me). When that is not given, too many possibilities arise in my mind for why that is and then I have difficulty choosing a course of action. I become much more hoverey than I am by nature (which I'm sure is annoying and makes me despise myself), and they become less demonstrative in response.

I'm kind of in-between the two of those.

I don't need habitual feedback but I do need periodic feedback especially when situations have been changing. Just because you loved me last month might not mean you still love me, especially if I'm not getting any cues toward that. If I don't get the cues, my attitudes toward the relationship slowly drift into doubt and I no longer know how to interpret any inherent distance.

Note that it's really just in situations where I am getting NO cues at all directly about it, where I need a more definitive statement just to help me interpret what's going on. You can just call them anchor points, if you wish -- ones that I can depend on, even if the relationship itself is changing shape a lot.

This isn't just for LTRs but for friendships as well.
 

Fidelia

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I've realized over time that inaction is not perceived the same by all people. To me, inaction is a form of action or decision. It is rarely neutral and either has to do with other factors going on in one's life that crowd it out, uncertainty of what to do, need for time to think, a conscious choice NOT to do something, it receiving lower priority etc. Only through the addition of more interaction or information would I know which it is and how I want to respond in turn.

However, for some people inaction may mean that they like things the way they are and if that feeling changes, they will notify you. (I'm pretty flexible, but hate emotional surprises, so this is something that I dread, because by then it's usually too late to do any negotiating or fix problems that have arisen, as the other person has already made a decision).

For others, inaction is a neutral thing. It can be a form of giving the other person space (as they themselves would value), it's trust that things will work themselves out somehow, or it is just putting things on hold for awhile etc etc.

Because Ni seems to be a look down the road function, I'm usually in preventative mode, rather than waiting for a problem to happen. Fe also is action oriented and most discussion/interpersonal exchanges often help the Fe user to dictate how they should take action. I'm seeing that the need to always try to actively prevent problems can even CAUSE problems, but I'm not sure how to get around it as it is a deeply ingrained part of me.

One thing I've gotten better at doing is realizing that some conflict isn't always bad and if handled correctly can lead to increased closeness and understanding. I'm also seeing that overaccommodating isn't really helpful to anyone. Certainly, one of the things I have had to work on is having unspoken expectations of other people.

I do not want my expression of the love languages to result in me expecting something of others. At the same time, if that is a natural part of how I orient myself to others, I'm not sure what to do if it is not natural to some other types (either in a close friendship or a relationship). There's a certain amount of difference that is necessary to keep a relationship interesting, balanced and cause both members to grow.

How much room is there for change and how much strain does speaking a non-native love language cause to a person? Is it something that can be sustained over time, or is it more symbolic that they are making an effort but it is never something they will really take pleasure in doing. For me, if the person doesn't enjoy doing it, I will appreciate their effort, but it takes a lot of the joy out of receiving it. Is it better to just try to find someone who is similar in the way they relate, or is it good for both people to have to reach out of their comfort zone a bit?
 

Fidelia

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I'm kind of in-between the two of those.

I don't need habitual feedback but I do need periodic feedback especially when situations have been changing. Just because you loved me last month might not mean you still love me, especially if I'm not getting any cues toward that. If I don't get the cues, my attitudes toward the relationship slowly drift into doubt and I no longer know how to interpret any inherent distance.

Note that it's really just in situations where I am getting NO cues at all directly about it, where I need a more definitive statement just to help me interpret what's going on. You can just call them anchor points, if you wish -- ones that I can depend on, even if the relationship itself is changing shape a lot.

This isn't just for LTRs but for friendships as well.

Exactly! I don't think that it's that I need constant reassurance. However, if something has changed without explanation (or insistance that things are fine, but they don't seem fine) or if there's a lack of something that used to be there, I probably am going to want to understand why. Depending on the why, I will also react very differently.

As cascedeco said, it's easy too to drift into compacency after some time (whether in a romantic relationship or a platonic one) and assume you know the person better than you truly do.
 
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