[MBTI General] NF as the quintessential confidant.

[Cypocalypse]

I have an NF friend. I can't really figure out the actual MBTI type. Probably INFJ or INFP. I can't really tell for certain. Being an INTP myself, she's among the friends that I really respect. Big picture thinker, and well in touch with her emotions. Basically one of the few friends, whom I consider to be competent enough to read me.

Being an INTP myself, I also have that "confidant" role. I think it's an NP thing. But between NTP and NFP, I consider the latter to be the better archetype for the role since it's probably more empathic (can relate to the problem of the person who confides, or at least can visualize it), while the NTP is more analytical one (can assess the situation of the confider).

By virtue of being the feeler type and sheer seniority, I consider her to be the better person in this role. Sure, we do share life experiences just to have something to chat around.

I notice one glaring difference though.

My more analytical outlook creates a mentality that I should look for no one to be an anchor to my personal disposition, other than myself (unless I can find tons of NTP, NFP, or NFJ peeps to brainstorm myself with). Call it individualistic, but experience-wise, intuitive types are often times misunderstood, and I've come into terms with myself there's no outside anchor that can help me aside from myself primarily, hence a sense of self should be strong (not necessarily confrontational though).

I told her myself that she's equally in the same situation. She's the top of the line confidant, and thus she shouldn't expect much for an external anchor. She is, other people's anchor.

I immediataly didin't realize that the Feeling cognitive process will set a major difference. She's prone to exaggerating her negative emotions (which I would sometimes find trivial). While she's good as a recipient of other people's negative sentiments, she's fragile herself--good healer of others, but dealing with her own "wounds" is a different story. She's, essentialy, looking for an outside anchor.

Is this a general NF thing?

 

[Totenkindly]

Define "fragile" a bit.

When you say she "needs" an outside anchor, do you really mean that? Can she continue to function without the outside anchor, or does she break down completely? Does she just strongly desire one but can live without one? Or are you saying you don't really want one and she does? (is that the distinction? What one desires, regardless of what one has access to?) etc.

[What sucks is that I know I'd like an outside anchor in times of prolonged stress... but I am never going to have one. Because I know that nothing external to me can provide that level of security. Even if i tried to buy into one, it wouldn't be satisfying, I'd still have the same doubts.]

 

[Cypocalypse]

It's more like, a problem shows up, and with the way she tells me it, it's like she's making it bigger than what it actually is. Either romanticizing the problem a bit or overly thinks of it. Bottom line is, she's still ok.

Though I notice that she longs for an external anchor more so than I do. I'm more fatalist with regard to entertaining such an idea.

 

[RDF]

I notice one glaring difference though.

My more analytical outlook creates a mentality that I should look for no one to be an anchor to my personal disposition, other than myself (unless I can find tons of NTP, NFP, or NFJ peeps to brainstorm myself with). Call it individualistic, but experience-wise, intuitive types are often times misunderstood, and I've come into terms with myself there's no outside anchor that can help me aside from myself primarily, hence a sense of self should be strong (not necessarily confrontational though).

I told her myself that she's equally in the same situation. She's the top of the line confidant, and thus she shouldn't expect much for an external anchor. She is, other people's anchor.

I immediataly didin't realize that the Feeling cognitive process will set a major difference. She's prone to exaggerating her negative emotions (which I would sometimes find trivial). While she's good as a recipient of other people's negative sentiments, she's fragile herself--good healer of others, but dealing with her own "wounds" is a different story. She's, essentialy, looking for an outside anchor.

Is this a general NF thing?

The issue of a confidante is pretty clear--someone you can talk to candidly and trust not to abuse what you tell them.

The "anchor" thing is less clear. Sounds like your friend needs someone who will be there when she gets a little crazy or needy.

I like people I can "lean on" for support. For example, I have a good relationship with an ISFJ fellow manager at work. We can just chat anytime. But we can also play hardball with each other, fight over a work deadline, maybe even rip each other off in small ways, but still get past any unpleasantness within a couple hours or a couple days and resume chatting comfortably like normal.

The ISFJ does tend to play a role where he puts up with occasional outbursts from me. I let stress get to me at times, we quarrel over a deadline, and I tell him to get the hell off my back and let me finish the job the way I want. He bristles and stares at me coldly as he leaves, but within a day or two it's forgotten and we're chatting normally again. In return, there are a lot of times he just needs to stop by my office and decompress by talking about home improvement projects he's doing at home or about how he researched and bought a new set of tires for his car. And I let him do that. He's in charge of a lot of NFs and NTs, I think it flummoxes him at time, and he needs someone who will just let him unwind and chat about SJ things without wondering what the hell is wrong with him. Since we're both doing some home improvement projects, I can play that role for him. So I guess we both need to let off steam in our own ways, and after 15 years of working together we respect each other enough to not look down on each other's weird ways or take offence at passing things.

I have similar "lean on me" relationships with other people. They usually are very long-term relationships where we've learned to put up with each other's weird ways and bounce back from any mutual petty abuses.

Traditionally, I've found that certain types aren't good for this kind of relationship with me. These relationships typically mean putting up with a certain amount of abuse (tolerance of others' weird ways), and not all types are good at that. For example, INFPs tend to carry a grudge from being slighted or ignored; ENFPs can turn paranoid when they feel their confidence has been abused; INTPs, though ostensibly not taking offense at a slight or an abuse, can turn passive-aggressive in small ways when they feel they've been slighted or pressured.

It's probably a maturity thing. As people get older and get more self-confident, they're better able to put up with some hardball and some petty abuses in their relationships.

For a long time my INFP wife carried a lot of grudges about small things in our marriage where she felt I was slighting her. I kept telling her that we shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around each other, and that she could get her payback by taking some shots at me in return and I wouldn't hold them against her. Eventually she took me at my word and took a few good hard shots at me; I rolled with them and didn't hold them against her once we sorted them out; and now we have a much more relaxed, fun marriage. We take occasional shots at each other and treat each other a bit harshly at times, but we also get past it almost instantly and get back to having fun again.

I think it's like the old Rolling Stones song, "Let it Bleed." The song describes a relationship where the couple uses and abuses each other (But you knifed me in my dirty filthy basement / With that jaded, faded, junky nurse / Oh what pleasant company), but at the same time still manages to be there for each other when it counts ( She said, "My breasts, they will always be open / Baby, you can rest your weary head right on me / And there will always be a space in my parking lot / When you need a little coke and sympathy"). Rolling Stone Magazine said about that song, "Let It Bleed" offers sympathy, in that slutty, decadent way that was the Stones' specialty ("You can bleed on me"). http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/therollingstones/albums/album/158769/review/6067534/let_it_bleed

"Let It Bleed" by the Rolling Stones:

Well, we all need someone we can lean on
And if you want it, you can lean on me
Yeah, we all need someone we can lean on
And if you want it, you can lean on me

She said, "My breasts, they will always be open
Baby, you can rest your weary head right on me
And there will always be a space in my parking lot
When you need a little coke and sympathy"

Yeah, we all need someone we can dream on
And if you want it, baby, well you can dream on me
Yeah, we all need someone we can cream on
And if you want to, well you can cream on me

I was dreaming of a steel guitar engagement
When you drunk my health in scented jasmine tea
But you knifed me in my dirty filthy basement
With that jaded, faded, junky nurse
Oh what pleasant company

We all need someone we can feed on
And if you want it, well you can feed on me
Take my arm, take my leg, oh baby don't you take my head

Yeah, we all need someone we can bleed on
Yeah, and if you want it, baby, well you can bleed on me
Yeah, we all need someone we can bleed on
Yeah, yeah, and if you want it, baby, why don'cha bleed on me
All over

Ahh, bleed it alright, bleed it alright, bleed it alright
You can bleed all over me
Bleed it alright, bleed it alright, you can be my rider
You can cum all over me
Bleed it alright, baby, bleed it alright, bleed it alright
You can cum all over me
Bleed it alright, baby cum all over me

As I've gotten older, I do tend to see relationships that way--there is a lot of ego in relationships, and sometimes some hardball, and occasionally even some borderline abuse (i.e., abuse of confidence, abuse of trust, etc.). But with time, there also comes trust that you both understand the parameters of the relationship; and there comes an understanding that these petty abuses and nickel-and-dime rip-offs actually create a certain freedom: the freedom to let down your hair and really be yourself (emotional, fragile, petty, trivial, boring, silly, ditzy, horny, etc.) around the other person without repercussions or subsequent embarrassment.