[ENFJ] INFJ trying hard to date a stutus-conscious ENFJ

[Cupandsorceror]

Hi everyone I'm an INFJ and I'm kind of dating an ENFJ I'll explain now. I'm a 19 year old bisexual male (sorry if that makes you uncomfortable) and this guy that I've been seeing I'm very sure is an ENFJ. Being an INFJ with intuition I've been able to work out that he's at least bisexual also, and so I've made huge efforts to try and pursue a relationship with him. We're both 'closeted' i guess, him more so.

I told him through Facebook that I've had an ex boyfriend just to let him know that I was gay, and he was perfectly fine with it. He didn't tell me through any method that he's interested in men in any way and still hasn't 3 months after. I've heard this is a common thing among ENFJs about not wanting to expose yourself? I've been extremely honest with him and I'm still in shock that he won't tell me, cos I'm absolutely convinced he's attracted to me. So its been weird, its like we're dating but he hasn't told me. You'll have to trust me that he's somewhat interested in me. The problem is it has felt like a constant battle because although I feel he very strongly would want a relationship with me, I think he's constantly fighting how other people perceive him and i feel every time we communicate he's either really forthcoming or he's holding back as if someone's secretly listening. He changes when he's around different people, for example when he's around his badminton club he's rather more feminine and 'real' is guess than when he's around his basketball friends where he very much butches up and constantly says which girls are fit etc. yeah its hard for me to watch.

I told him how my relationship with my ex was rather secret and that hardly anyone knows to try and make him more comfortable with the idea and I've also talked about how you just need to do things regardless of what other people think and I think it's worked to some extent. Is there anything else I can do? I genuinely have this feeling that he really would want a relationship but feels he can't because it'd affect his social standing which I've heard is essential to ENFJs so much so that they neglect their own needs somewhat. Is there anything I can do or is this a lost cause?

 

[xenaprincess]

what I've learned is that people grow when they need or can or have to. You can't force them. It's like having an egg and a chick inside. It'll come out when it's ready.

I've known guys who don't come out for years and years, even though those around them feel they are closeted. Eventually they do come out. Or guys that come out in their 30s and never seemed closeted. Or guys whom everyone feels is closeted but never come out. (Maybe he will someday, but we'll see.).

I live in NYC, where it's pretty liberal, with tons of different types of ppl walking around. You would think that b/c of this environment, people would not be closeted, esp. by the time they're in their 30s, but not true. The human psyche is complicated.

I know it's hard to change your feelings toward someone, but try to detach, if you can? Another thing I've learned thru relationships is not to hinge yourself on someone else's potential. That is, not to see someone for what they could be, but for what they are right now. Because they may never change to become that person.

Hinging yourself on someone's potential is subverting yourself for an ideal you see in someone else. That person may never change. You and the present moment should be the first priority. Easy to say, I know.

 

[skylights]

What if you were to get him alone with you on familiar, safe, private territory, and strike up a gentle, intimate, "what if" conversation - and then just ask him, in the midst of those what ifs, if he would ever consider being in an exclusive relationship with you?

If the answer is no, it was a lost cause to begin with, and you know you can move on without missing out.

I think it is true that their social standing is generally a concern to ENFJs because they understand how network quality can impact opportunity - at the same time, if anyone could ease a socially contentious relationship, it would be a Fe dom. The ENFJs I know well uphold their partner socially, and help guide less-than-socially-gifted companions. Like xena has said, I think the ultimate answer will have much to do with whether he is ready to become that person, and whether he feels enough chemistry with you to be willing to deal with the potential social bump.